Part 1-2

  Ifyby-tackledinthemiddleofthenightjustasyouwereabouttohurlyourselfoffthetopofatower-block,youprobablywouldhinkingaboutbreakfasttelevisioers.

  (Thiswouldeasashocktobreakfasttelevisioers,ofcourse,mostofwhomfirmlybelievethatpeoplethinkaboutnothingelsebutbreakfast,lunddinner.)IwasmatureenoughtoriseaboveJessstauhoughIfeltlikebreakingherarms.

  Ifweletgo,areyougoingtobehave?Yes.

  SoMaureenstoodup,andwithwearyiabilityJessscrambledfortheladder,andIhadthercrashingdownagain.

  Nowwhat?saidMaureen,asifIwereaveteranoftlesssimilarsituations,andwouldthereforeknowtheropes.

  Idontbloodyknow.

  Whyitdidntoccurtoanyofusthatawell-knownsuicidespotwouldbelikePiccadillyCirNewYearsEve.Ihavenoidea,butatthatpointintheproceedingsIhadacceptedtherealityofoursituation:wewereintheprocessasolemnandprivatemomentintoafarcewithacastofthousands.

  Andatthatprecisemomentofacceptahreebecamefour.Thereolitecough,aurnedroundtolook,wesawatall,good-looking,long-hairedman,maybetenyearsyouhanme,holdingacrashhelmetunderonearmahosebiginsulatedbagsiher.

  Anyofyouguysorderapizza?hesaid.

  MAUREENIdanAmeribefore,Idontthink.Iwasntatallsurehewasoher,untiltheotherssaidsomething.YoudontexpectAmeristobedeliveringpizzas,doyou?Well,Idont,butperhapsImjustoutoftouch.Idontorderpizzasveryoften,buteverytimeIhave,theyvebeendeliveredbysomeonewhodoesntspeakEnglish.Amerisdontdeliverthings,dothey?Orserveyouinshops,ortakeyourmohebus.IsupposetheymustdoinAmerica,buttheydonthere.IndiansaIndians,lotsofAustraliansinthehospitalwheretheyseeMatty,butnoAmeris.Soweprobablythoughthewasabitmadatfirst.Thatwastheonlyexplanationforhim.Helookedabitmad,withthathair.AhoughtthatwedorderedpizzaswhilewewerestandingontheroofofToppersHouse.

  Howwouldwehaveorderedpizzas?Jessaskedhim.Wewerestillsittingonher,sohervoicesoundedfunny.

  Onacell,hesaid.

  Whatsacell?Jessasked.

  OK,amobile,whatever.

  Fairplaytohim,wecouldhavedo.

  AreyouAmeri?Jessaskedhim.

  Yeah.

  Whatareyoudoingdeliveringpizzas?Whatareyouguysdoingsittingonherhead?Theyresittingonmyheadbecausethisisntafreetry,Jesssaid.

  Youtdowhatyouwantto.

  Whatdidyouwannado?Shedidntsayanything.

  Shewasgoingtojump,Martinsaid.

  Sowereyou!Heignoredher.

  Youwereallgonnajump?thepizzamanaskedus.

  Wedidntsayanything.

  Thef—?hesaid.

  Thef—?saidJess.Thef—what?ItsanAmeriabbreviation,saidMartin."Thef—?"means"Whatthef—?"InAmerica,theyresobusythattheydonthavetimetosaythe"what".

  Wouldyouwatchyuage,please?Isaidtothem.Wewerentallbroughtupinapigsty.

  Thepizzamanjustsatdownontheroofandshookhishead.Ithoughthewasfeelingsorryforus,butlaterhetoldusitwasntthatatall.

  OK,hesaidafterawhile.Lethergo.

  Wedidntmove.

  Hey,you.Youf—listeningtome?AmIgonnahavetoeoverandmakeyoulisteoodupandwalkedtowardsus.

  IthinkshesOK,now,Maureen,Martinsaid,asifhewasdegtostandupofhisownaccord,andnotbecausetheAmerimanmightpunchhim.Hestoodup,andIstoodup,aoodupandbrushedherselfdownandsworealot.ThearedatMartin.

  Yourethatbloke,shesaid.ThebreakfastTVbloke.Theonewhosleptwiththefifteen-year-old.MartinSharp.F—!MartinSharpwassittingonmyhead.Youoldpervert.

  Well,ofcourseIdidnthaveaclueaboutanyfifteen-year-old.Idontlookatthatsortofneer,unlessIminthehairdressers,orsomeoohebus.

  Youkiddingme?saidthepizzaman.Theguywhowenttoprison?Ireadabouthim.

  Martinmadeagroaningnoise.DoeseveryoneinAmeriow,too?hesaid.

  Sure,thepizzamansaid.IreadaboutitintheNewYorkTimes.

  Oh,God,saidMartin,butyoucouldtellheleased.

  Iwasjustkidding,saidthepizzaman.YouusedtopresentabreakfastTVshowinEngland.heUShaseverheardofyou.Getreal.

  Giveussomepizza,then,saidJess.Whatflavourshaveyougot?Idontknow,saidthepizzaman.

  Letmehavealook,then,saidJess.

  No,Imean…Theyrenotmypizzas,youknow?Oh,dontbesuchapussy,saidJess.(Really.Thatswhatshesaid.Idontknowwhy.)Sheleanedrabbedhisbagandtookoutthepizzaboxes.Thensheopeheboxesandstartedpokingthepizzas.

  Thisonespepperoni.Idontknowwhatthatisthough.Vegetables.

  Vegetarian,saidthepizzaman.Whatever,saidJess.Whowantswhat?Iaskedfetarian.Thepepperonisoundedlikesomethingthatwouldntagreewithme.

  JJItoldacouplepeopleaboutthatnight,andtheweirdthingisthattheygetthesuicidepart,buttheydohepizzapart.Mostpeoplegetsuicide,Iguess;mostpeople,evenifitshiddendeepdowninsidesomewhere,rememberatimeintheirliveswhehoughtaboutwhethertheyreallywaotheday.Wantingtodieseemslikeitmightbeapartofbeingalive.Soanyway,ItellpeoplethestoryofthatNewYearsEve,andhemarelike,Whaaaaat?Yonnakillyourself?Itsmore,youknow,Oh,OK,yourbandwasfuckedup,youwereattheendofthelihyourmusic,whichwasallyouwaodoyourwholelife,PLUSyoubrokeupwithyirl,whowastheonlyreasonyouwereinthisfutryinthefirstplace…Sure,Iseewhyyouwereupthere.Buttheheverysed,theywanttoknowwhataguylikemewasdoingdeliveringfugpizzas.

  OK,youdontknowme,soyoullhavetotakemywordforitthatImnotstupid.IreadthefuckoutofeverybookIgetmyhandson.IlikeFaulknerandDisandVoandBrendanBehanandDylanThomas.Earlierthatweek-ChristmasDay,tobeprecise-IdfinishedRevolutionaryRoadbyRichardYates,whichisatotallyawesomenovel.Iwasactuallygoingtojumpy-notonlybecauseitwouldhavebeenkindacool,andwouldveaddedalittlemystiquetomydeath,butbecauseitmighthavebeenagoodwayofgettingmorepeopletoreadit.

  Butthewaythingsworkedout,Ididnthaveanypreparationtime,aathome.Ihavetosay,though,thatIwouldntreendfinishingitonChristmasDay,inlikeacold-waterbedsit,inacitywhereyoudontreallyknowanybody.Itprobablydidnthelpmygeneralsenseofwell-being,ifyouknowwhatImean,becausetheendingisarealdowner.

  Anyway,thepointis,peoplejumptotheclusionthatanyonedrivingaroundNorthLondononashittylittlemopedonNewYearsEvefortheminimumwageisclearlyaloser,andalmostcertainlyoagioneshortofthefullQuattro.Well,OK,wearelosersbydefinition,becausedeliveringpizzasisajobforlosers.Butwerenotalldumbassholes.Infact,evenwiththeFaulknerandDis,Irobablythedumbestoutofalltheguysatwork,oratleasttheworsteducated.WegotAfridoctors,Albanianlawyers,Iraqichemists…Iwastheonlyonewhodidnthaveacollegedegree.(Idontuandhowthereisntmorepizza-relatedviolenoursociety.Justimagine:yourelikethetopwhateverinZimbabwe,brainsurgeonorwhatever,andthenyouhavetoetoEnglandbecausethefascistregimewantstonailyourasstoatree,andyouendupbeingpatrohreeinthembysomestoeeherfuckerwiththemunchies…Imean,shouldntyoubelegallyentitledtobreakhisfugjaw?)Anyway.Theresmorethaobealoser.Theressuremorethanonewayoflosing.

  SoIcouldsaythatIwasdeliveringpizzasbecauseEnglandsucks,and,morespecifically,EnglishgirlssudIcouldntwitbecauseImnotanEnglishguy.OranItalianguy,oraSpanishguy,orevenlikeafugFinnishguyorwhatever.SoIwasdoingtheonlyworkIcouldfind;IvahuanianproprietorofCasaLuigionHollowayRoad,didntcarethatIwasfromChicago,notHelsinki.Andanotherwayofexplainingitistosaythatshithappens,andtheresnospaall,toodarkandairlessandfughopeless,forpeopletocrawlinto.

  Thetroublewithmygeionisthatweallthinkwerefuggeniuses.Makingsomethingisntgoodenoughforus,aherissellingsomething,orteagsomething,orevenjustdoingsomething;wehavetobesomething.Itsourinalienableright,ascitizensofthetwenty-firsttury.IfChristinaAguileraorBritneyorsomeAmeriIdoljerkbesomething,thenwhytI?Wheresmine,huh?OK,somybaoliveshowsyoucouldeverseeinabar,andwemadetwoalbums,whichalotofcritidnotmanyrealpeopleliked.Buthavingtalentisneverenoughtomakeushappy,isit?Imean,itshouldbe,becauseatalentisagift,andyoushouldthankGodforit,butIdidnt.ItjustpissedmeoffbecauseIwasntbeingpaidforit,anditdidmeonthecoverofRollingStone.

  OscarWildeoncesaidthatonesreallifeisoftenthelifeolead.Well,fugrighton,Oscar.MyreallifewasfullofheadliningshowsatWembleyandMadisonSquareGardenandplatinumrecords,andGrammies,andthatwasntthelifeIwasleading,whichismaybewhyitfeltlikeIcouldthrowitaway.ThelifeIwasleadingdidmebe,Idontknow…bewhoIthoughtIwas.Itdidmestandupproperly.ItfeltlikeIdbeenwalkingdownatuhatwasgettingnarrowerandnarrower,anddarkeranddarker,andhadstartedtoshipwater,andIwasallhunchedup,andtherewasawallofrofrontofmeandtheonlytoolsIhadweremyfingernails.Andmaybeeveryohatway,butthatsnoreasontostickwithit.Anyway,thatNewYearsEve,Idgottensickofit,finally.Myfingernailswereallwornaway,aipsofmyfingerswereshreddedup.Icouldntdiganymore.WiththebandgoheonlyroomIhadleftforself-expressionwasinchegoutofmyunreallife:IwasgoingtoflyoffthatfugrooflikeSuperman.Except,ofcourse,itdidntworkoutlikethat.

  Somedeadpeople,peoplewhoweretoosensitivetolive:SylviaPlath,VanGogh,VirginiaWoolf,JaPollock,PrimoLevi,KurtCobain,ofcourse.Somealivepeople:GeeW.Bush,ArnoldSchwarzenegger,OsamaBinLaden.Putacrossothepeopleyoumightwanttohaveadrinkwith,andthehertheyreonthedeadsideorthealiveside.

  And,yeah,youcouldpointoutthatIhavestackedthedeck,thatthereareacoupleofpeoplemissingfrommyalivelistwhomightfuckupmyargument,afewpoetsandmusisandsoon.AndyoucouldalsopointoutthatStalinandHitlerwerentsogreat,andtheyrenolohus.

  Butindulgemeanyway:youknowwhatImtalkingabout.Sensitivepeoplefindithardertostickaround.

  SoitwasrealshogtodiscoverthatMaureen,JessandMartinSharpwereabouttotaketheViVanGoghrouteoutofthisworld.(Ahankyou,IknowVididntjumpoffthetopofaNorthLondonapartmentbuilding.)Amiddle-agedwomanwholookedlikesomeonesinglady,ashriekingadolestlunatidatalk-showhostwithaneface…Itdidntaddup.Suicidewasntiedforpeoplelikethis.

  ItwasiedforpeoplelikeVirginiaWoolfandNickDrake.Andme.

  Suicideposedtobecool.

  NewYearsEvewasanightforseallosers.Itwasmyownstupidfault.Ofcoursetheredbealow-rentcrowdupthere.Ishouldhavepickedaclassierdate-likeMarchth,whenVirginiaWoolftookherwalkintotheriver,orNickDrakeNovemberth.Ifanybodyhadbeenontheroofoherofthosenights,thecesaretheywouldhavebeenlike-mindedsouls,ratherthanhopelessfuck-upswhohadsomehowpersuadedthemselvesthattheendofadaryearisinanywaysignifit.ItwasjustthatwhenIgottheordertodeliverthepizzastothesquatinToppersHouse,theopportunityseemedtoogoodtoturndown.

  Myplanwastowahetop,takealookaroundtogetmybearings,gobackdowntodeliverthepizzasandthenDoIt.

  AndsuddenlythereIwaswiththreepotentialsuicidesmungthepizzasIposedtodeliverandstaringatme.TheyarentlyexpegsomekindofGettysburgaddressaboutwhytheirdamagedandpointlessliveswereworthliving.Itwasironic,really,seeingasIdidntgiveafuckwhethertheyjumpedornot.IdidntknowthemfromAdam,andhemlookedliketheyweregoingtoaddmuchtothesumtotalofhumanachievement.

  So,Isaid.Great.Pizza.Asmall,goodthingonanightlikethis.

  RaymondCarver,asyouprobablyknow,butitwaswastedontheseguys.

  Nowwhat?saidJess.

  Weeatourpizza.

  Then?Justgiveithalfanhour,OK?Thenwellseewherewereat.Idontknowwherethatcamefrom.Whyhalfanhour?Andwhatposedtohappenthen?

  Everyoneneedsalittletimeout.Lookstomelikethingsweregettingundignifieduphere.Thirtyminutes?Isthatagreed?Onebyoheyshruggedandthennodded,abacktochewingourpizzasinsilehiswasthefirsttimeIhadtriedoneofIvans.Itwasinedible,maybeevenpoisonous.

  Imnotfugsittinghereforhalfanhourlookingatyourfugmiserablefaces,saidJess.

  Thatswhatyouvejustthisminuteagreedtodo,Martinremindedher.

  Sowhat?Whatsthepointofagreeingtodosomethingadoingit?Nopoint.Jessarentlyuntroubledbythecession.

  sistencyisthelastrefugeoftheunimaginative,Isaid.Wildeagain.

  Icould.

  Jessglaredatme.

  Hesbeingoyou,saidMartin.

  Theresnopointinanything,though,isthere?Jesssaid.Thatswhywereuphere.

  See,nowthisrettyiingphilosophicalargument.Jesswassayingthataslongaswewereontherooftop,wewereallanarchists.Noagreementswerebinding,norulesapplied.Wecouldrapeandmurdereachotherandnoonewouldpayanyattention.

  Toliveoutsidethelawyoumustbeho,Isaid.

  Whatthefughelldoesthatmean?saidJess.

  Youknow,Iveneverreallyknownwhatthefuckitmeans,totellyouthetruth.BobDylansaidit,notme,andIdalwaysthoughtitsoundedgood.ButthiswasthefirstsituationIdeverbeeninwhereIwasabletoputtheideatothetest,andIcouldseethatitdidntwork.Wewerelivingoutsidethelaw,andwecouldliethroughourteethanytimewewanted,andIwasntsurewhyweshouldnt.

  Nothing,Isaid.

  Shutup,then,Yankeeboy.

  AndIdid.Thereroximatelytweminutesofourtimeoutremaining.

  <strong>JESS</strong>

  Alongtimeago,whenIwaseightornine,IsawthisprogrammeontellyaboutthehistoryoftheBeatles.JeheBeatles,soshewastheonewhomademewatchit,butIdidntmind.(IprobablytoldherIdidmind,though.Iprobablymadeafussandpissedheroff.)Anyway,whenRingojoined,yousortoffeltthislittleshiver,becausethatwasit,then,thatwasthefourofthem,andtheywerereadytogooffahemostfamousgroupinhistory.Well,thatshowIfeltwhenJJturnedupontheroofwithhispizzas.Iknowyoullthink,Oh,shesjustsayingthatbecauseitsoundsgood,butImnot.Iknew,holy.Ithelpedthathelookedlikearockstar,withhishairandhisleatherjacketandallthat,butmyfeelingwasntanythingtodowithmusic;IjustmeanthatIcouldtellweneededJJ,andsowhenheappeareditfeltright.HewasntRingo,though.HewasmorelikePaul.MaureenwasRingo,exceptshewasntveryfunny.IwasGee,exceptIwasntshy,orspiritual.MartinwasJohn,excepthewasnttalentedorcool.Thinkingaboutit,maybeweweremorelikeanroupwithfourpeopleinit.

  Anyway,itjustfeltlikesomethingmighthappen,somethingiing,andsoIcouldntuanderejustsittingthereeatingpizzaslices.SoIwaslike,Maybeweshouldtalk,andMartingoes,What,shareourpain?Andthenhemadeaface,likeIdsaidsomethingstupid,soIcalledhimawanker,andthenMaureentuttedandaskedmewhetherIsaidthingslikethatathome(whichIdo),soIcalledherabaglady,andMartincalledmeastupid,meanlittlegirl,soIspatathim,whichIshouldnthavedoneandwhichalsobythewayIdontdoanywherenearasmuowadays,andsohemadeoutlikehewasgoingtothrottleme,andsoJJjumpediweenus,whichwasjustaswellforMartin,becauseIdontthinkhewouldhavehitme,whereasImostdefinitelywouldhavehitandbittenandscratchedhim.Andafterthatlittlefluffleofactivitywesattherepuffingandblowingandhatingeachotherforabit.

  Andthenereallcalmingdown,JJsaidsomethinglike,Imnotsurewhatharmwouldbedonebysharingourexperiences,excepthesaiditmoreAmerieventhanthat.AndMartinwaslike,Well,whosiedinyourexperiences?Yourexperiencesaredeliveringpizzas.

  AndJJgoes,Well,yourexperiehen,notmiitwastoolate,andIcouldtellfromwhathedsaidaboutsharingourexperiehathehereforthesamereasonswewere.SoIwent,Youcameupheretojump,didntyou?Andhedidntsayanything,andMartinandMaureenlookedathim.AndMartinjustgoes,Wereyougoingtojumpwiththepizzas?Becausesomeoneorderedthose.EventhoughMartinwasjoking,itwaslikeJJsprofessionalpridehadbeeed,becausehetoldusthathewasonlyhereonarecdhewasgoingdownstairstodeliverbeforeingbackupagain.AndIsaid,Well,weveeatenthemnow.AndMartingoes,Gosh,youdidntseemlikethejumpingtype,andJJsaid,IfyouguysarethejumpingtypethenItsayImsorry.Therewas,asyoutell,alotof,like,badnessintheair.

  SoItriedagain.Oh,gooalk,Isaid.Noneedforpain-sharing.

  Just,youknow,ournamesandwhywereuphere.Becauseitmightbeiing.Wemightlearhing.Wemightseeawayout,kindofthing.AndIhavetoadmitIhadasortofplan.MyplanwasthattheydhelpmefindChas,andChasandIwouldgetbacktogether,andIdfeelbetter.

  Buttheymademewait,becausetheywantedMaureentogofirst.

  <strong>MAUREEN</strong>

  IthinktheypickedmebecauseIhadntreallysaidanything,andIhadntrubbedahewrongwayyet.Andalso,maybe,becauseIwasmoremysteriousthahers.Martineveryooknowaboutfromtheneers.AndJess,Godloveher…Wedonlyknownherforhalfanhour,butyoucouldtellthatthiswasagirlroblems.MyownfeelingaboutJJ,withoutknowinganythingabouthim,wasthathemighthavebeenagayperson,becausehehadlonghairandspokeAmeri.AlotofAmerisaregaypeople,arentthey?Iknowtheydidntigayness,becausetheysaythatwastheGreeks.Buttheyhelpedbringitbatofashion.BeinggaywasabitliketheOlympics:itdisappearedinaimes,aheybroughtitbathetwehtury.Anyway,Ididntknowanythingaboutgays,soIjustpresumedtheywereallunhappyandwaokillthemselves.Butme…Youcouldntreallytellanythingaboutmefromlookingatme,soIthinktheywerecurious.

  Ididntmindtalking,becauseIknewIdidosayverymuch.

  hesepeoplewouldhavewantedmylife.IdoubtedwhethertheyduandhowIdputupwithitforaslongasIhad.Itsalwaysthetoiletbitthatupsetspeople.WheneverIvehadtomoanbefore-whenIneedanotherprescriptionformyanti-depressants,forexample-Ialwaysmentiooiletbit,theingupthatneedsdoingmostdays.Itsfunny,becauseitsthebitIvegotusedto.Itgetusedtotheideathatmylifeisfinished,poioohard,pletelywithouthopeorcolour;butthemoppingupdoesntreallyworrymeanymore.Thatsalwayswhatgetsthedoctorreagforhispen,though.

  Oh,yeah,JesssaidwhenIdfihatsano-brainer.Dontgeyourmind.Youdretit.

  Somepeoplecope,saidMartin.

  Who?saidJess.

  Wehadawomanontheshowwhosehusbandhadbeeninaafortwenty-fiveyears.

  Andthatwasherreward,wasit?GoingonabreakfastTVshow?No.Imjustsaying.

  Whatareyoujustsaying?Imjustsayingitbedone.

  Yourenotsayingwhy,though,areyou?Maybeshelovedhim.

  Theyspokequickly,MartinandJessandJJ.Likepeopleinasoapopera,bangbangbang.Likepeoplewhoknowwhattosay.Icouldneverhavespokenthatquickly,notthen,anyway;itmademerealizethatIdhardlyspokenatallfortwenty-oddyears.AndthepersonIspoketomostcouldntspeakback.

  Whatwastheretolove?Jesswassaying.Hewasavegetable.Notevenanawakevegetable.Avegetableinaa.

  Hewouldntbeavegetableifhewasntinaa,wouldhe?saidMartin.

  Ilovemyson,Isaid.IdidntwahinkIdidnt.

  Yes,saidMartin.Ofcourseyoudo.Wedidoimplyotherwise.

  Doyouwantustokillhimforyou?saidJess.Illgodowonightifyouwant.BeforeIkillmyself.Idontmind.Noskinoffmynose.

  Anditsnotlikehesgotmuchtolivefor,isit?Ifhecouldspeak,hedprobablythankmeforit,poorsod.

  Myeyesfilledwithtears,andJJnoticed.

  Whatareyou,af—idiot?hesaidtoJess.Lookwhatyouvedone.

  So-rry,saidJess.Justanidea.

  ButthatwasntwhyIwasg.IwasgbecauseallIwaheworld,theonlythingthatwouldmakemewanttolive,wasforMattytodie.Andknoasgjustmademecrymore.

  MARTINEveryonebloodykneweverythingaboutme,soIdidhepointofthislark,andItoldthemthat.

  Oh,an,saidJJ,inhisirritatingAmeriway.Itdoesnttakelong,Ifind,tobeirritatedbyYanks.Iknowtheyreourfriendsahing,andtheyrespectsuccessoverthere,uheungratefulnativesofthisbloodychippydump,butallthatcool-daddiostuffgetsonmywick.Imean,youshouldhaveseenhim.Youdhavethoughthewasontherooftopromotehislatestmovie.YoucertainlywouldntthinkhedbeenputteringaroundArchwaydeliveringpizzas.

  Wejustwanttohearyoursideofit,saidJess.

  Thereisnta"myside".IwasabloodyidiotandImpayingtheprice.

  Soyoudontwanttodefendyourself?Becauseyoureamongfriendshere,saidJJ.

  Shejustspatatme,Ipoi.Whatkindofafriendisthat?Oh,dontbesuchababy,saidJess.Myfriendsarealittingatme.Iakeitpersonally.

  Maybeyoushould.Perhapsthatshowyourfriendsitobetaken.

  Jesssnorted.IfItookitpersonally,Iwouldnthaveanyfrie.

  Weletthatonehangintheair.

  Sowhatdoyouwanttoknow,thatyoudontknowalready?Therearetwosidestoeverystory,saidJess.Weonlyknowthebadside.

  Ididntknowshewasfifteen,Isaid.Shetoldmeshewaseighteen.

  Shelookedeighteen.Thatwasit.Thatwasthegoodsideofthestory.

  Soifshedbeen,like,sixmonthsolderyouwouldntbeuphere?IdontsupposeIwould,no.BecauseIwouldnthavebrokenthelaw.

  Wouldnthavegooprison.Wouldnthavelostmyjob,mywifewouldnthavefoundout…Soyouresayingitwasjustbadluck.

  Idsaytherewasacertaindegreeofculpabilityinvolved.Thiswas,Ineedhardlytellyou,aatdryuatement;IdidntknowthenthatJessisatherhappiestwallowinginthemarshlandofthebleedingobvious.

  Justbecauseyouveswallowedafugdiary,itdoesntmeanyouvedohingwrong,saidJess.

  Thatswhat"culpability"…Becausesomemarriedmenwouldnthaveshaggedhernomatterhowoldshewas.Andyouvegotkidsandall,haventyou?Ihaveindeed.

  Sobadlucksgotnothingtodowithit.

  Oh,forfuckssake.WhydyouthinkIvebeendanglingmyfeetovertheledge,youmoron?Iscrewedup.Imntomakeexcusesformyself.IfeelsowretchedIwanttodie.

  Ishouldhopeso.

  Thanks.Andthanksforintrodugthisexercise,too.Veryhelpful.

  Very…curative.

  Anotherpolysyllabicword,anotherdirtylook.

  Imiedihing,saidJJ.

  Goon.

  WhyisiteasiertolikeleapintothevoidthantofaceuptowhatyouvedohisisfaguptowhatIvedone.

  Peoplearealwaysfugyounggirlsandleavingtheirwivesandkids.

  Theydontalljumpoffofbuildings,man.

  No.ButlikeJesssays,maybetheyshould.

  Really?Youthinkanyonewhomakesamistakeofthiskindshoulddie?Woah.Thatssomeheavyshit,saidJJ.

  DidIreallythinkthat?MaybeIdid.OrmaybeIhaddone.Assomeofyoumightknow,Idwrittenthingsinneerswhichsaidexactlythat,moreorless.Thiswasbeforemyfallfromgraaturally.Idcalledfortherestorationofthedeathpenalty,forexample.Idcalledfnationsandchemicalcastrationsandprisoendpublichumiliationsandpenancesofeverykind.AndmaybeIhadmeantitwhenIdsaidthatmenwhocouldheirthingsirousersshouldbe…Actually,ItrememberwhatIthoughttheappropriatepunishmentwasnowforphilanderersandserialadulterers.Ishallhavetolookuptheniion.ButthepointisthatIractisingreached.Ihadntbeeokeepmythinginmytrousers,sonowIhadtojump.Iwasaslavetomyownlogic.Thatwasthepriceyouhadtopayifyouwereatabloidnistwhocrossedthelineyouddrawn.

  Noteverymistake,no.Butmaybethisone.

  Jesus,saidJJ.Yourerealtoughonyourself.

  Itsnotjustthat,anyway.Itsthepublig.Thehumiliation.TheenjoymentofthehumiliatioVshowoncablethatswatchedbythreepeople.Everything.Ive…Iverunoutofroom.Itseeanywayforwardorback.

  Therewasathoughtfulsilence,forabouttenseds.

  Right,saidJess.Myturn.

  <strong>JESS</strong>

  Ilaunchedin.Ijustwent,MynamesJessaeenyearsoldand,see,ImherebecauseIhadsomefamilyproblemsthatIdoogointo.AndthenIsplitupwiththisguy.Chas.Andheowesmeanexplanation.Becausehedidntsayanythiwent.ButifhegavemeanexplanationIdfeelbetter,Ithink,becausehebrokemyheart.

  ExceptItfindhim.Iwasatthepartydownstairslookingforhim,andhewasntthere.SoIcameuphere.

  AndMartingoes,allsarcastic,YoingtokillyourselfbecauseChasdidntturnupataparty?Jesus.

  Well,Ineversaidthat,andItoldhim.Sothenhewaslike,OK,youreupherebecauseyoureolanation,then.Isthatit?

  Hewastryingtomakemesoundstupid,andthatwasntfair,becausewecouldalldothattoeachother.Like,forexample,say,Oh,boohoohoo,theywomebeonbreakfasttelevisionanymore.Oh,boohoohoo,mysoableandIdonttalktoanyoneandIhavetouphis…Well,OK,youcouldntmakeMaureensoundstupid.Butitseemedtomethattakingthepisswasnton.Youcouldhavetakenthepissoutofallfourofus;youtakethepissoutofanyonewhosunhappy,ifyourecruelenough.

  SoIgo,ThatwasntwhatIsaideither.Isaidanexplanationmightstopme.Ididntsayitasuphereinthefirstplace,didI?See,wecouldhandcuffyoutothoserailings,andthatwouldst松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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