Part 1-3

  ebackhere,Isaid.

  Idontgiveafuck,youknow,shesaid.Ijump,orwelookforChas.Samething,tome.

  Andthatsthewholething,rightthere,becausewebelievedher.Maybeotherpeopleonhtswouldnthavebutthethreeofus,thatnight,wehadnodoubts.Itwasntthatwethoughtshewasreallysuicidal,either;itwasjustthatitfeltlikeshemightdowhatevershewaodo,atanygive,andifshewaojumpoffabuildingtoseewhatitfeltlike,theryit.Andonceyoudworkedthatout,thenitwasjustaquestionofhowmuchyoucared.

  Butyoudontneedourhelp,Isaid.WedontknowhowtostartlookingforChas.Youretheonlyonewhofindhim.

  Yeah,butIgetweirdonmyown.fused.ThatssortofhowIendeduphere.

  Whatdoyouthink?saidMartintotherestofus.

  Imnotgoinganywhere,saidMaureen.Imnotleavingtheroof,andIwontgemymind.

  Fine.Wewouldntaskyouto.

  Becausetheyllelookingforme.

  Whowill?Thepeopleintherespitehome.

  Sowhat?saidJess.Whataretheygoingtodoiftheytfindyou?TheyllputMattysomewhereterrible.

  ThisistheMattywhosavegetable?Doeshegiveashitwherehegoes?MaureenlookedatMartinhelplessly.

  Isitthemoney?saidMartin.Isthatwhyyouhavetobedeadbythem?Jesssnorted,butIcouldseewhyhehadaskedthequestion.

  Ionlypaidforonenight,saidMaureen.

  Haveyougotthemoneyformorethanonenight?Yes,ofcourse.Thesuggestionthatshemightnotseemedtomakeheralittlepissed.Pissedoff.Whatever.

  Sophohemupahemhellbestayingtwo.

  Maureenlookedathimhelplesslyagain.Why?Because,saidJess.Anyway,theresfuckalltodouphere,isthere?Martinlaughed,kindof.

  Well,isthere?saidJess.

  NothingIthinkof,saidMartin.Apartfromtheobvious.

  Oh,that,saidJess.Fetit.Themomentsgone.Itell.Sowevegottofindsomethiodo.

  Soevenifyht,andthemomenthaspassed,Isaid,whydowehavetodoanythingtogether?WhydontwegohomeandwatchTV?CosIgetweirdonmyown.Itoldyou.

  Whyshouldwecare?Wedidntknowyouhalfanho.Idontgivemuchofafuckabouthowweirdyougetonyourown.

  Soyoudontfeellikeabondkindofthingbecauseofwhatwevebeenthrough.

  Nope.

  Youwill.Iseeusstillbeingfriendswhenwereallold.Therewasasilehiswasclearlynotavisionsharedbyall.

  MAUREENIdidntlikeitthattheyweremakingmesoundtight.Itwasntanythingtodowithmoney.IneededonenightsoIpaidforonenight.Andthensomeoneelsewouldhavetopay,butIwouldntbearoundtoknow.

  Theydidntuand,Icouldtell.Imean,theycoulduandthatIwasunhappy.Buttheycouldntuandthelogicofit.Thewaytheylookedatitwasthis:ifIdied,Mattywouldbeputinahomesomewhere.

  SowhydidntIjustputhiminahomeandnotdie?Whatwouldthedifferethatjustgoestoshowthattheydidntuandme,orMatty,orFatherAnthony,orahechurooneIknowthinksthatway.

  Thesepeople,though,MartinandJJaheyredifferentfromanyoneIknow.Theyremorelikethepeopleontelevision,thepeopleiEndersaherprogrammeswherepeopleknowwhattosaystraightaway.Imnotsayingtheyrebad.Imsayingtheyredifferent.Theywouldntworrysomuattyifhewastheirson.Theydonthavethesamesenseofduty.Theydonthavethechurch.Theydjustsay,Whatsthedifferendleaveitatthat,andmaybetheyreright,buttheyrenotme,andIdidntknowhowtotellthemthat.

  TheyreIwishIwasthem.Maybenotthem,exactly,becausetheyrenotsohappyeither.ButIwishIwasohosepeople,thepeoplewhoknowwhattosay,thepeoplewhotseethedifference.

  Becauseitseemstomethatyouhavemoreceofbeingabletolivealifeyoustandifyourelikethat.

  SoIdidntknowwhattosaywhenMartinaskedmeifIreallywaodie.Theobviousanswerwas,Yes,yes,ofcourseIdo,youfool,thatswhyIveclimbedallthesestairs,thatswhyIvebeentellingaboy-dearGod,aman-whothearmeallaboutaNewYearsEvepartythatIdmadeup.Buttheresanotheraoo,isntthere?Aheransweris,No,ofcourseIdont,youfool.Pleasestopme.Pleasehelpme.Pleasemakemeintothekindofpersonwhowantstolive,thekindofpersonwhohasabitmissing,maybe.Thekindofpersonwhowouldbeabletosay,Iamentitledtosomethingmorethanthis.Notmuchmore;justsomethingthatwouldhavebeenenough,insteadofnotquiteenough.BecausethatswhyIthere-therewasntquiteenoughtostopme.

  Well?saidMartin.Areyoupreparedtowaituntiltomorrownight?WhatwillItellthepeopleinthehome?Haveyougotthephonestoolatetocallthem.

  Therellbesomebodyonduty.Givemethenumber.Hepulledohosetinylittlemobiletelephoofhispocketandturon.Itstartedringing,andhepressedabuttonandputthephoohisear.Hewaslisteningtoamessage,Isuppose.

  Someonelovesyou,saidJess,butheignoredher.

  Ihadtheaddressandphonenumberwrittendownonmylittlenote.Ifisheditoutofmypocket,butIcouldinthedark.

  Giveithere,saidMartin.

  Well,Iwasembarrassed.Itwasmylittlenote,myletter,andIdidntwantanyonereadingitwhileIwaswatgthem,butIdidntknowhowtosaythat,andbeforeIk,Martinhadreachedoverandsnatcheditfromme.

  Oh,Christ,hesaidwhenhesawit.Icouldfeelmyselfblushing.Isthisyoursuiote?Cool.Readitout,saidJess.Minearecrap,butIbethersisworse.

  Yoursarecrap?saidJJ.Meaning,therearelike,what,hundredsofthem?Imalwayswritingthem,saidJess.Sheseemedquitecheerfulaboutit.

  Thetwoboyslookedather,buttheydidntsayanything.Youcouldseewhattheywerethinking,though.

  What?saidJess.

  Iimagimostofushavejustwrittentheone,saidMartin.

  Ikeepgingmymind,Jesssaid.Nothingwrongwiththat.Itsabigdecision.

  Ohebiggest,Martinsaid.Certainlyien.Hewasohosepeoplewhosometimesseemedtobejokingwhenhewasnt,ornotjokingwhenhewas.

  Anyway.NoIwontbereadingthiso.Hewassquintingatittoreadthenumber,aappedthe.Andafewsedslateritwasalldone.Heapologizedfingsolate,aoldthemsomethinghadeupandMattywouldbestayingforanotherday,andthatwasit.Thewayhesaidit,itwaslikehekheywerentgoingtobeaskinganymorequestions.IfIdphonedIwouldhaveeupwiththisgreatlongexplanationforwhyIhoningatfourinthem,somethingIdhavehadtohavethoughtupmonthsago,aheywouldhaveseenthroughmeandIdhavefessedandendedupgoingtogetMattyoutafewhoursearlierratherthanadaylater.

  So,saidJJ.MaureensOK.Thatjustleavesyou,Martin.Youwannajoinin?Well,whereisthisChas?Martinsaid.

  Idunno,saidJess.Somepartysomewhere.Isthatwhatitdependson?

  Whereheis?Yes.Idratherf—ingkillmyselfthantryaacabtogosomewhereinSouthLondonatfourinthem,saidMartin.

  HedoesntknowanyoneinSouthLondon,Jesssaid.

  Good,saidMartin.Andwhenhesaidthat,youcouldtellthat,insteadofkillingourselves,wewereallgoingtoedownfromtheroofandlookforJesssboyfriend,orwhateverhewas.Itwasntmuchofaplan,really.Butitwastheonlyplanwehad,soallwecoulddowastryandmakeitwork.

  GivemeyourmobileandIllmakesomecalls,saidJess.

  Saveherthephone,atotheothersideoftheroofwherenoonecouldhearher,aedtobetoldwhereweweregoing.

  <strong>MARTIN</strong>

  Iknowwhatyourethinking,allyouclever-cleverpeoplewhoreadtheGuardianandshopionesandwouldnomorethinkofwatgbreakfasttelevisionthanyouwouldofbuyingyourchildrencigarettes.

  Yourethinking,Oh,thisguywasntserious.HewaabloidphotographertocapturehisquoteunquotecryforhelpsothathecouldsignaMySuicideHellexclusivefortheSun.SHARPTAKESTHESLEAZYWAYOUT.AndIderstandwhyyoumightbethinkingthat,myfriends.Iclimbastairwell,haveacoupleofnipsofScotahip-flaskwhiledanglingmyfeetovertheedge,andthenwhensomedippygirlasksmetohelpfindherex-boyfriendatsomeparty,Ishrugandwanderoffwithher.Andhowsuicidalisthat?

  Firstofall,IllhaveyouknowthatIscoredveryhighlyonAaronT.

  BecksSuicideIScale.Illbetyoudidntevenknowtherewassuchascale,didyou?Well,thereis,andIreIgotsomethingliketwenty-oofthirtypoints,whichIrettypleasedwith,asyouimagine.

  Yes,suicidehadbeenplatedformorethanthreehourspriortotheattempt.Yes,IwascertaihevenifIreceivedmedicalattention:itsfifteenstoreyshigh,ToppersHouse,andtheyrethatanythienwilldoitforyouprettywelleverytime.Yes,therewasactivepreparationfortheattempt:ladder,wire-cuttersandsoon.Heshoots,hescores.

  TheonlyquestionswhereImightnothavereceivedmaximumpointsarethefirsttwo,whichdealwithwhatAaronT.Beckcallsisolationandtiming.Noonenearbyinvisualorvocaltactgetsyoutopmarks,asdoesInterventionhighlyunlikely.YoumightarguethataswechosethemostpopularsuicidespotinNorthLondonohemostpopularsuiightsoftheyear,interventionwasalmostiable;Iwouldterbysayingthatwewerejustbeingdim.Dimrotesquelyself-absorbed,takeyourpick.

  A,ofcourse,ifithadntbeenfortheteemingthrongupthere,Iwouldntbearoundtoday,somaybeoldBeckisbangonthemoney.Wemaynothavebeentingonaorescueus,butoartedbumpingintoeachother,therewascertainlyacollectivedesire-adesireborhananythingoutofembarrassment-toshelvethewholeidea,atleastforthenight.Notoneofusdesdedthosestairshavingetotheclusionthatlifewasabeautifulandpreciousthing;ifanything,wewereslightlymoremiserableonthewaydownthanonthe,becausetheonlysolutionwehadfoundforourvariouspreditswasnotavailabletous,atleastforthemoment.Andtherehadbeenasortofweirdnervousexcitementupontheroof;foracoupleofhourswehadbeenlivinginasortofindepeate,wherestreet-levellawsnolongerapplied.

  Eventhoughourproblemshaddrivenusupthere,itwasasiftheyhadsomehow,likeDaleks,beenuoclimbthestairs.Andogobackdownandfacethemagain.Butitdidntfeellikewehadanychoice.Eventhoughwehadnothinginonbeyondthatohing,theohingwasenoughtomakeusfeelthattherewasntanythingelse-notmoney,orclass,oreducatie,orculturalis-thatwasworthadamn;wedformedanation,suddenly,inthatcoupleofhours,andforthetimebeiedonlytobewithournewpatriots.IhadhardlyexgedawordwithMaureen,andIdidntevenknowhersursheuoodmoreaboutmethanmywifehaddohelastfiveyearsofourmarriage.MaureehatIwasunhappy,becauseofwhereshedmetme,andthatmeantshekhemostimportantthingaboutme;dyalrofessedherselfbaffledbyeverythingIdidorsaid.

  ItwouldhavebeeifIdfallenihMaureen,wouldntit?Ieveheneerheadline:SHARPTURNED!AheredbesomestoryabouthowOldSleazebaghadseentheerrorofhiswaysanddecidedtosettledownwithnielyolderwoman,ratherthanchasearoundafterschoolgirlsandC-listactresseswithbreastenlargements.

  Yeah,right.Dreamon.

  JJWhileJesscalledeveryoneshekofindoutwherethisguyChaswasat,Iwasleaningonthewall,lookingthroughthewireatthecity,andtryingtofigureoutwhatIdlistentoatthatexaent,ifIoodoraDis.ThefirstthingthatcametomindwasJonathanRisAbominableSnowmanintheMarket,maybebecauseitwassweetandsilly,andremindedmeofatimeinlifewhenIcouldaffordtobethatway.AartedhummingtheCuresIweenDays,whichmadealittlemoresewasnttodayanditwasnttomorrow,anditwasntlastyearanditwasyear,andanywaythewholeroofthingwasaniweenkindofalimbo,seeingaswehadmadeupourmindswhereourimmortalsoulswereheaded.

  JessspenttenmialkingtosourcesclosetoChasandcamebackwithabestguessthatheartyinShoreditch.Wewalkeddownfifteenflightsofstairs,throughthethudofdubainkofpiss,andthenemergedbatothestreet,wherewestoodshiveringinthecoldwhilewaitingforablackcabtoshow.Nobodysaidmuch,besidesJess,whotalkedenoughforallofus.Shetolduswhosepartyitwas,andwhowouldprobablybethere.

  ItwillbeallTessaandthatlot.

  Ah,saidMartin.Thatlot.

  AndAlfieandTabithaandthepossewhogodownOonSaturdays.AndAcid-HeadPeteaofthewholegraphicdesigncrew.

  Martingroaned;Maureenlookedseasick.

  AyoungAfriguydrivingashittyoldFordpulledupalongsideus.

  Hewounddownthepassengerwindowandleanedover.

  Whereyouwannago?Shoreditch.

  Thirtypounds.

  Fuckoff,saidJess.

  Shutup,saidMartin,andgotinthefro.Mytreat,hesaid.

  Therestofusgotintheback.

  HappyNewYear,saidthedriver.

  Noneofussaidanything.

  Party?saidthedriver.

  DoyouknowAcid-HeadPeteatall?Martinaskedhim.Well,werehopingtorunintohim.Shouldbejolly.

  "Jolly",Jesssnorted.Whyareyousuchatosser?IfyoingtojokearoundwithJess,andusewordsironically,thenyoudhavetogiveherplentyofadvancewarning.

  Itwasmaybefour-thirtyinthembynow,butthereweretonsofpeoplearound,incarsandcabsandonfoot.Everyoobeinagroup.Sometimespeoplewavedtous;Jessalwayswavedback.

  Howaboutyou?Jesssaidtothedriver.Yallnight?Orareyougonnagoandhaveafewsomewhere?Worktoutelanuit,saidthedriver.Allthenight.

  Badluck,saidJess.

  Thedriverlaughedmirthlessly.

  Yes.Badluck.

  Doesyourmissusmind?Sorry?Yourmissus.Lafemme.Doesshecare?Aboutyallnight?No,shedontcare.Notnow.Notintheplacewhereisshe.

  Ahaionalantennacouldhavefeltthemoodiurnrealdark.Ahanylifeexperiencecouldhavefiguredoutthatthiswasamanwithastory,andthatthisstory,whateveritwas,wasuogetusintothepartymood.Ahanysensewouldhavestoppedrightthere.

  Oh,saidJess.Badwoman,eh?Iwinced,andImsuretheothersdid,too.Bigmouthstrikesagain.

  Notbad.Dead.Hesaidthisflat,likehewasjustcorregheronapointoffact-asifinhislineofwork,badanddeadweretwoaddressesthatpeoplegotfused.

  Oh.

  Yes.Badmenkillher.Killher,killhermother,killherfather.

  Oh.

  Yes.Inmytry.

  Right.

  AndrighttherewastheplaceJesschosetostop:exactlyatthepointwherehersilencewouldshowherup.Sowedroveon,thinkingourthoughts.AndIwouldbetamillionbucksthatourthoughtsalltained,somewhereiangleandswirl,aversionofthesamequestions:Whyhadntweseenhimupthere?Orhadhebeenupandedown,likeus?

  Wouldhesneer,ifwetoldhimourtroubles?Howeheturtobesofug…dogged?

  Wheowhereweweregoing,Martingavehimaverylargetip,andheleasedandgrateful,andcalledushisfriends.Wewouldhavelikedtobehisfriends,butheprobablywouldnthavecaredforusmuchifhegottoknowus.

  Maureendidntwanttoeinwithus,butweledherthroughthedoorandupthestairsintoaroomthatwastheclosestthingIveseentoaNewYorkloftsinceIvebeewouldhavecostafortuneinNYC,whichmeansitwouldhavecostafortuneplusahirtypertinLondon.Itwasstillpacked,evenatfourinthem,anditwasfullofmyleastfavoritepeople:fugartstudents.Imean,Jesshadalreadywarnedus,butitstillcameasashock.Allthosewoollyhats,andmoustacheswithpartsofthemmissing,allthosetoosandplasticshoes…Imean,Imaliberalguy,andIdidntwantBushtobombIraq,andIlikeatokeasmuchastheguy,butthesepeoplestillfillmyheartwithfearandloathing,mostlybecauseIknowtheywouldnthavelikedmyband.Whenweplayedacollegetown,andwewalkedoutinfrontofacrowdlikethis,Ikneeregoingtohaveahardtime.Theydontlikerealmusic,thesepeople.TheydontliketheRamoheTemptationsortheMats;theylikeDJBleepyandhisstupidfugbleeps.Orelsetheyallpretendthattheyrefuggangstas,andlistentohip-hopabouthosandguns.

  SoIwasinabadmoodfromtheget-go.IwasworriedthatIwasgoingtogetintoafight,andIdevendecidedwhatthatfightwouldbeabout:IdbedefendiherMartinorMaureenfromthesneersofsomemotherfuckerwithagoatee,orsomewomanwithamoustache.ButitneverhappeheweirdthingwasthatMartininhissuitandhisfaketan,andMaureeninherraincoatandsensibleshoes,theysomehowblendedrightin.Theylookedshtthattheylooked,youknow,outthere.

  MartinandhisTVhaircouldhavebeeninKraftwerk,andMaureencouldhavebeenlikearealweirdversionofMoTuckerfromtheVelvetUnderground.Me,Iwaswearingapairoffadedblats,aleatherjacketandanoldGita-shirt,alikeafugfreak.

  TherewasonlyoneihatmademethinkImighthavetobreaksomeonesnose.Martinwasstandingtheredrinkingwiraightoutofabottle,awoguysstartedstaringathim.

  MartinSharp!Youknow,offofbreakfasttelly!Iwinced.Ihaveneverreallyhungoutwithacelebrity,andithadntoccurredtomethatwalkingintoapartywithMartinsfaceislikewalkingintoapartynaked:evenartsstudeotakenotice.Butthiswasmoreplicatedthanstraightforwardreition.

  Oh,yeah!Goodcall!hisbuddysaid.

  Oi,Sharpy!Martinsmiledatthempleasantly.

  Peoplemustsaythattoyouallthetime,ohemsaid.

  What?Youknow.Oi,Sharpyandallthat.

  Well,yes,saidMartin.Theydo.

  Badluck,though.OfallthepeopleonTV,youenduplookinglikethatt.

  Martihemacheerful,what--you-dandturnedbae.

  YouOK?Thatslife,hesaid,andlookedatme.Hedsomehowmaogiveanoldcliewdepth.

  Maureen,meanwhile,lairified.Shejumpedeverytimeanyonelaughed,orswore,orbrokesomething;shestaredattheparty-goersasifshewerelookingatDianeArbusphotosprojectedfiftyfeetwideonanImaxs.

  Youwantadrink?WheresJess?LookingforChas.

  Andthenwego?Sure.

  Good.Imnotenjoyingmyselfhere.

  Meher.

  Wheredoyouthinkwellgo?Idontknow.

  Butwellallgotogether,doyouthink?Iguess.Thatsthedeal,right?Untilwefindthisguy.

  Ihopewedontfindhim,saidMaureen.Notforawhile.Idlikeasherry,please,ifyoufindone.

  Youknowwhat?Imnotsuretheresgoingtobetoomuchsherryaround.Theseguysdontlooklikesherry-driome.

  Whitewine?Wouldtheyhavethat?Ifoundacouplepapercups,andabottlewithsomethiinit.

  Cheers.

  Cheers.

  Everyhesame,huh?Howdoyoumean?Youknohitewine,abadpartyfullofjerks.AndthisyearIdpromisedmyselfthingswouldbedifferent.

  Wherewereyouthistimelastyear?Iartyathome.WithLizzie,myex.

  wasOK,yeah.You?Iwasathome.WithMatty.

  Right.Anddidyouthink,ayearago...

  Yes,shesaidquickly.Oh,yes.

  Right.AndIdidntreallyknowhowtofollowup,sowesippedourdrinksandwatchedthejerks.

  <strong>MAUREEN</strong>

  Ittbehygienic,livinginaplacewithoutrooms.Evenpeoplewholiveisusuallyhaveaccesstoaproperbathroom,withdoorsandwallsandawindow.Thisplace,theplacewherethepartywasbeingheld,didnteve.Itwaslikearailwaystationtoilet,excepttherewasntevenaseparategents.Therewasjustalittlewallseparatihandtoiletfromtherestofit,soeventhoughIogo,Icouldnt;anyonemighthavewalkedaroundthewallandseenwhatIwasdoing.AndIdoospellouthowuhyitallwas.Motherusedtosaythatabadsmellisjustagermgas;well,whoeverowhisflatmusthavehadgermseverywhere.Notthatanyonecouldusethetoiletanyway.Wheofindit,someonewaskneelingonthefloorandsniffingthelid.Ihavenoideawhyanyonewouldwanttosmellthelidofatoilet(whilesomeoneelsewatched!agine!).ButIsupposepeoplearepervertedinallsortsofdifferentways.ItwassortofwhatIexpectedwhenIwalkedintothatpartyahenoiseandsawwhatkindofpeopletheywere;ifsomeonehadaskedmewhatIthoughtpeoplelikethatwoulddoinatoilet,Imighthavesaidthattheydsniffthelid.

  WhenIcameback,Jesswasstandingthereintears,aofthepartyhadclearedalittlespacearoundus.SomeboyhadtoldherthatChashadbeenandgone,andhedgohsomebodyhemetattheparty,somegirl.Jesswantedusalltogoroundtothisgirlshouse,andJJwastryingtopersuadeherthatitwasntagoodidea.

  ItsOK,Jesssaid.Ikheresprobablybeeofmisuanding.SheprobablyjustdidntknowaboutmeandChas.

  Whatifshedidknow?saidJJ.

  Well,saidJess.InthatcaseIcouldgo,couldI?Whatdoesthatmean?Iwouldntkillher.Imnotthatmad.ButIwouldhavetohurther.

  Maybecutheralittle.

  WhenFrankbrokeoffagementIdidntthinkIdevergetoverit.

  IfeltalmostassorryforhimasIdidformyself,becauseIdidntmakeiteasyforhim.WewereintheAmblerArms,exceptitsnotcalledthatanymore,overintheerbythefruitmae,andthelandlordcameovertoourtableandaskedFranktotakemehome,becausenobodywaoputanymohemaewhileIwastherehowlingandbawlingmyeyesout,andtheyusedtomakeafairbitofmoneyfromthefruitmaeonights.

  Inearlydidawaywithmyselftheainlysideredit.ButIthoughtIcouldrideitout,Ithoughtthingsmightgetbetter.ImagiroubleIcouldhavesavedifIhaddone!Iwouldhavekilledthebothofus,meandMatty,butofcourseIdidntknowthatthen.

  IdidnttakeanynoticeofthesillythingsJesssaidaboutcuttingpeople.

  IcameupwithalotofutternonsensewhenFrankandIbrokeup;ItoldpeoplethatFrankhadbeenforoveaway,thathewassithehead,thathewasadrunkame.wastrue.Frankwasasweetmanwhosecrimewasthathedidntlovemequiteenough,andbecausethiswasntmuchofacrimeIhadtomakeupsomebiggerones.

  Wereyouengaged?IaskedJess,andthenwishedIhadnt.

  Engaged?Jesssaid.Engaged?Whatisthis?Prideandf—ingPrejudice?"Oooh,MrArseyDarcy.MayIplightmytruth?""Ohyes,MissSnootyKnobhead,IdbecharmedImsure."Shesaidthislastpartinasillyvoice,butyoucouldprobablyhaveguessedthat.

  Peopledostillgetengaged,Martinsaid.Itsnotastupidquestion.

  Whichpeoplegetengaged?Idid,Isaid.ButIsaidittooquietly,becauseIwasscaredofher,andsoshemademesayitagain.

  Youdid?Really?OK,butwhatlivingpeoplegetengaged?ImnotiedinpeopleoutoftheArk.Imnotiedinpeoplewith,withlikeshoesandraincoatsandwhatever.Iwaoaskwhatshethoughtweshouldwearinsteadofshoes,butIwaslearningmylesson.

  Anyway,whothef—didyougeteo?Ididntwantanyofthis.Itdidntseemfairthatthisispenedwhenyoutriedtohelp.

  Didyoushaghim?Illbetyoudid.Howdidhelikeit?Doggystyle?Sohedidnthavetolookatyou?AndthenMartingrabbedheranddraggedherintothestreet.

  JESSWhenMartinpulledmeoutside,Ididthatthingwhereyoudecidetobeeadifferentperson.ItssomethingIcoulddowheneverIfeltlikeit.

  Doesnteverybody,whentheyfeelthemselvesgettingoutoftrol?Youknow:yousaytoyourself,OK,Imabookyperson,sothenyougoasomebooksfromthelibraryandcarrythemaroundforawhile.Or,OK,Imadruggyperson,andsmokealotofweed.Whatever.Anditmakesyoufeeldifferent.Ifyouborrowsomeoneelsesclothesortheirisortheirwords,whattheysay,thenitgiveyouabitofarestfromyourself,Ifind.

  Itwastimetofeeldifferent.IdontknowwhyIsaidthatstufftoMaureen;IdontknowwhyIsayhalfthethingsIsay.IknewIdoversteppedthemark,butIcouldntstopmyself.Igetangry,astartsitslikebeingsick.IpukeandpukeoversomeoneandItstopuntilImempty.ImgladMartinpulledmeoutside.Iopping.Ioppingalot.SoItoldmyselfthatfromthatpointonIwasgoingtobemoreapersonoutoftheoldendayskindofthing.Isworenottoswear,haha,ortospit;Isworenottoaskharmlessoldladieswhoareclearlymoreorlessvirgihertheyshaggeddoggystyle.

  Martispareatme,toldmeIwasabitdanidiot,andaskedmewhatMaureenhadeverdoome.AndIjustsaid,Yes,sir,and,No,sir,and,Verysorry,sir,andIlookedatthepavement,notathim,justtoshowhimIreallywassorry.AndthenIcurtsied,whichIthoughtwasaoudhesaid,Whatthefucksthis,now?Whatstheyessirnosirbusiness?SoItoldhimthatIwasgoingtostopbeingme,andthatnoonewouldeverseetheoldmeagain,andhedidntknowwhattosaytothat.Ididntwaogetsie.Peopledogetsie,Ivenoticed.

  Chasgotsie,forexample.AndIreallyhatnottohappenanymore,otherwiseIllbeleftwithnobody.WithChas,Ithihingwasjusttoomuch;Icameonttooquickly,ascared.LikethatthingieModern?Thatwasdefinitelyamistake.Becausethevibeinthere…OK,someofthestuffisallweirdandintenseandsoon,butjustbecausethestuffisallweirdandintehatshouldnthavemeantthatIwentallweirdandintehatwasinappropriatebehaviour,asJenwouldhavesaid.IshouldhavewaiteduntilwedgotoutsideandfinishedlookingatthepicturesandinstallationsbeforeIwentoffohisie,too.

  Also,thebusinessintheema,whichlookingbaighthavebeenthefinalstraw.Thatwasinappropriatebehaviour,too.Ormaybethebehaviourwasntinappropriate,becausewehadtohavethatversatioime,buttheplace(theHollowayOdeon)wasntright,andnorwasthetime(halfwaythroughthefilm)orthevolume(loud).OhepointsChasmadethatnightwasthatIwasntreallymatureenoughtobeamother,andIseenowthatbyyellingmyheadoffabouthavingababyhalfwaythroughMoulinRougeIsortofproveditforhim.

  Soanyway.Martimentalatmeforawhile,andtheseemedtoshrink,asifhewasaballoonandhedbeenpunctured.Whatswrong,kindsir?Isaid,buthejustshookhishead,andIcoulduandenoughfromthat.WhatIuoodwasthatitwasthemi松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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