Part 1-4

  HeresthethingaboutMaureen:shehadalutsthanIhad.

  Shedstuckaroundtofindoutwhatitwouldfeellike,olivethelifeshehadplannedforherself.Ididntknowwhatthoseplanswere,butshehadthem,sameaseverybody,atycamealong,shedwaitedaroundfortweoseewhatshedbeofferedasareplat,andshewasofferednothingatall.Therewasalotoffeelinginthatslap,andIcouldimagiingsomeoyhardwhenIwasherage,too.ThatwasohereasonsIdidntinteobeherage.

  <strong>MAUREEN</strong>

  FrankisMattysfather.Itsfunnytothinkthatmightnotbeimmediatelyobvioustosomeone,becauseitssoobvioustome.Ionlyeverhadintercoursewithoneman,andIonlyhadintercoursewiththatonemanondtheoimeiirelifeIhadintercourseproducedMatty.

  Whataretheces,eh?Oneinamillioenmillion?Idontknow.Butofcourseeveenmilliohattherearealotofwomenlikemeintheworld.Thatsnotwhatyouthinkof,whenyouthinkofoenmillion.Youdontthink,Thatsalotofpeople.

  WhatIveetorealize,overtheyears,isthatwerelessprotectedfrombadluckthanyoucouldpossiblyimagine.Becausethoughitdoesntseemfair,havingintercourseonlytheondendingupwithachildwhotwalkortalkorevenreizeme…Well,fairnessdoesntreallyhavemuchtodowithit,doesit?Youonlyhavetohaveintercoursetheooproduceachild,anychild.Therearenolawsthatsay,YoulyhaveachildlikeMattyifyouremarried,orifyouhavelotsofotherchildren,orifyousleepwithlotsofdiffereherearenolawslikethat,eventhoughyouandImightthinkthereshouldbe.AndonceyouhaveachildlikeMatty,youthelpbutfeel,Thatsit!Thatsallmybadluck,awholelifetimesworth,inonebuImnotsureluckworkslikethat.Mattywouldntstopmefromgetticer,orfrombeingmugged.Youdthinkheshould,buthet.Inaway,ImgladIneverhadanotherchild,anormalone.IdhaveneededmuaranteesfromGodthanHecouldhaveprovided.

  Andanyway,ImCatholic,soIdontbelieveinluckasmuchasIbelieveinpunishment.Weregoodatbelievinginpunishmehebestintheworld.IsinnedagainsttheChurdthepriceyoupayforthatisMatty.Itmightseemlikeahighpricetopay,butthen,thesesinsaresupposedtomeahing,arentthey?SoinonewayitshardlysurprisingthatthisiswhatIgot.ForalongtimeIwasevengrateful,becauseitfelttomeasthoughIweregoingtobeabletoredeemmyselfhereoh,andtheredbenoreingtobemadeafterwards.ButnowImnotsosure.Ifthepriceyouhavetopayforasinissohighthatyouendupwantingtokillyourselfandittinganevenworsesin,thenSomeonesdonehissumswrong.Someonesovercharging.

  Ihadanyonebefore,notinthewholeofmylife,althoughIdoftenwao.Butthatnightwasdifferent.Iwasinlimbo,somewherebetweenlivinganddying,anditfeltasifitdidntmatterwhatIdiduntilIwentbacktothetopofToppersHouseagain.AndthatwasthefirsttimeIrealizedthatIwasonasortofholidayfrommyself.Itmademewanttoslaphimagain,justbecauseIcould,butIdidnt.Theoncewasenough:Chasfellover-morefromtheshock,Ithink,thanfromtheforce,becauseImnots-andtheonallfourschisheadwithhishands.

  Imsorry,Chassaid.

  Forwhat?JJaskedhim.

  Imnotsure,hesaid.Whatever.

  Ihadaboyfriendlikeyouooldhim.

  Imsorry,hesaidagain.

  Ithurts.Itsahorriblethingtodo,tohaveintercoursewithsomeohendisappear.

  Iseethatnow.

  you?Ithinkso.

  Youtseeanythingfromdownthere,saidJJ.Whydontyougetup?Idontreallywanttobeslappedagain.

  Isitfairtosaythatyourenotthebravestmanintheworld?JJaskedhim.

  Therearelotsofdifferentwaysofshowingce,saidChas.IfwhatyouresayingisthatIdomuchstorebyphysicalbravery…thehatsfair.Itsoverrated,Ithink.

  Well,youknow,Chas,Ithinkthatskindabraveofyou,toshowyouresoafraidofasmallladylikeMaureen.Irespectyourhoy,man.Youwontslaphimagain,willyou,Maureen?IpromisedIwouldnt,andChasgottohisfeet.Itwasastrangefeeling,watgamandosomethingbecauseofme.

  Notmuchofalife,hidingunderhpeoplesgrills,isit?saidJJ.

  No.ButIdontreallyseethealternatives.

  HowsabouttalkingtoJess?Oh,no.Idratherliveouthereallthetime.Seriously.Imalreadythinkingofrelog,youknow,What,tosomeoneelsesbackyard?Maybesomewherewithabitofgrass?No,Chassaid.ToMaer.

  Listen,JJsaid.Iknowshesscary.Thatswhyyoushouldtalktohernow.Withusaround.We,youknow.Mediate.Wouldntyouratherdothatthaies?Butwhatistheretosay?Maybewecouldworksomethingout.Together.Somethingthatmightgetheroffyourback.

  Likewhat?Iknowforafactshedmarryyouifyouaskedher.

  Ah,no,youseethatsjust…Iwasjustkiddingaround,Chas.Lightenup,man.

  Thesearent,like,lightening-uptimes.Thesearedarktimes.

  Darktimesindeed.WhatwithJess,andgoingtoMaer,andlivingunderagrillawinTowersahing.

  Yeah.

  JJshookhishead.

  OK.Sowhatyoutellherthatsgoingtogetyououtofthisf—mess?AndJJgavehimsomethingstosay,asifhewereanactorandwewereinasoap.

  <strong>MARTIN</strong>

  ImnotaversetohavingagoatDIYeverynowandagain.Idecoratedthegirlsbedroomsmyself,withstencilsahing.(AherewereTVcamerasthere,andtheprodupanypaidforeverylastdropofDay-Glopaint,butthatdoesntmakeitanylessofanachievement.)Anyway,ifyoureafellowenthusiastthenyoullknowthatsometimesyoueacrossholesthataretoobigforfiller,especiallyihroom.Ahathappens,thesloppywaytodoitistobungtheholesupwithanythingyoufind-brokenmatches,bitsofsponge,whateveristohahatwasChassfunthatnight:hewasabitofspopluggedagap.ThewholeJessandChasthingwasludicrous,ofcourse,awasteoftimeandenergy,abanallittlesideshow;butitabsorbedus,gotusdownofftheroofandevenasIwaslisteningtohispreposterousspeechIcouldseeitsvalue.Icouldalsoseethatweweregoingtoneedalotmorebitsofspongeovertheingweeksandmonths.

  Maybethatswhatweallneed,whetherweresuicidalornot.Maybelifeisjusttoobigagaptobepluggedbyfiller,soweneedanythingwegetourhandson-sandersandplaners,fifteen-year-olds,whatever-tofillitup.

  Hi,Jess,saidChaswhenhewasshovedoutofthepartyandontothestreet.Hewastryingtosoundcheeryandfriendlyandcasual,asifhedbeenhopingtobumpisomepointduringtheevening,buthisgenerallackofvolitionundidhim;cheerinessishardtoveywhenyouaretooscaredtomakeeyetact.Heremindedmeofapettygangstercaughtthievingfromthelocalgodfatherinamovie,outofhisdepthanddesperatelytryingtosuckupiosavehisskin.

  Whywouldntyoutalktome?Yeah.Right.Iknewyoudwanttoknowthat.AndIvebeenthinkingaboutit.Ivebeenthinkingaboutitveryhard,actually,because,youknow,its…Imnothappyaboutit.Itsweak.Itsaweaknessinme.

  Dontoverdoit,man,saidJJ.Thereseemednoattemptonanyonesparttopretendthatthiswasgoingtobearanyresemblaoarealversation.

  Nht.So.FirstofallIshouldsaysorry,anditwonthappenagain.

  Andsedofall:Ifindyouveryattractive,andstimulatingpany,and…ThistimeJJjustcoughedostentatiously.

  …And,well.Itssyou.Hewinced.Sorry.Sorry.Itsnotyou,itsme.

  Atthatpoint,justashewastryingtorememberhislines,hecaughtmyeye.

  Hey.Youlooklikethatwankeroffthetelly.MartinThing.

  Itishim,saidJess.

  Howthefuckdoyouknowhim?Itsalongstory,Isaid.

  WewerebothjustupontheroofofToppersHouse.Wewasgoingtothrowourselvesoff,Jesssaid,thusmakingthelongstorysiderablyshorter,and,tobefair,leavingoutveryfewofthesalientpoints.

  Chasswallowedthisinformationalmostvisibly,likesnakesswalloweggs:youcouldseetheslowmarchtothebrain.Chas,Imsure,hadmanyattractiveaspectstohispersonality,butquiessofintelligencewasnotohem.Becauseofthatgirlyoushagged?Andyourwifeandkidsthrowingyououtahing?heaskedfinally.

  WhydontyouaskJesswhyshewasgoingtojump?Isntthatmorerelevant?Shutup,saidJess.Thatsprivate.

  Oh,andmystuffisnt?No,shesaid.Notanymore.Everyoneknowsaboutit.

  ennyChamberslike?Inreallife?Isthatwhatwecameoutheretotalkabout,Chas?JJsaidquietly.

  Nht.Sorry.Itsjustabitdistrag,havingsomeohetellystandingthere.

  Doyouwaoleave?No,saidJessquickly.Iwantyouhere.

  Iwouldnthavethoughtyoudbehistype,saidChas.Tooold.Plus,hesat.Hechuckled,andthenlookedaroundforsomeoosharethechucklewith,butnoneofus-hem,Ishouldsay,becauseevenChasdidntexpectmetolaughatmyownageorthood-waseveelyamused.

  ht.Itslikethat,isit?Andsuddenly,yes,itwasexactlylikethat:weweremoreseriousthanhim,ineveryway.

  AndevenJesssawit.

  Yourethetosser,shesaid.hisisanythingtodowithyou.

  Fuckoffoutofmysight.Andthenshekickedhim-anold-fashioraight-leggedtoeintothemeatiestpartofthearse,asifthetwoofthemwerecartooncharacters.

  AndthatwastheendofChas.

  JESSWhenyouresad-like,reallysad,ToppersHousesad-youonlywanttobewithotherpeoplewhoaresad.Ididntknowthisuntilthatnight,butIsuddenlyrealizeditjustbylookingatChassface.

  Therewasnothinginit.Itwasjustthefaceofatwenty-two-year-oldboywhodneverdohing,apartfromdroppedafewEs,orthoughtanything,apartfromwheretogettheEfrom,orfeltanything,apartfromoffhisface.Itwastheeyesthatgavehimaway:whenhemadethatstupidjokeaboutMartinandexpectedustolaugh,theeyeswerepletelylostinthejoke,andtherewasnothingelseleftofthem.Theywerejustlaughingeyes,nhtenedeyesortroubledeyes-theyweretheeyesababyhaswhenyoutickleit.Idnoticedwiththeothersthatwhentheymadejokes,iftheydid(Maureenwasntabigedian),youcouldstillseewhytheydbeenupontheroofevenwhiletheywerelaughing-therewassomethingelseinthere,somethingthatstoppedthemgivingthemselvesovertothemoment.Andyousaythatweshouldnthavebeenupthere,becausewantingtokillyourselfisacowardswayout,andyousaythatnoneofushadenoughreasontowanttodoit.Butyoutsaythatwedid,becausewealldid,andthatwasmoreimportantthananything.Chaswouldneverknowwhatthatwaslikeunlesshecrossedthelioo.

  Becausethatswhatthefourofushaddone-crossedaline.Idontmeanweddohingbad.Ijustmeanthatsomethinghadhappeouswhichseparatedusfromlotsofotherpeople.Wehadnothinginonapartfromwherewedendedup,onthatsquareofcretehighupintheair,andthatwasthebiggestthingyoucouldpossiblyhaveinonwithaosaythatMaureenandIhadnothinginonbecausesheworeraincoatsandlisteobrassbandsorwhateverwaslikesaying,Idontknow,theonlythiinonwiththatgirlisthatwehavethesameparents.AndIdidntknowanyofthatuntilChassaidthatthingaboutMartinbeingat.

  TheotherthingIworkedoutwasthatChascouldhavetoldmeanything-thathelovedme,hehatedme,hedbeenpossessedbyaliensandtheChasIknewwasnowonadifferentpla-anditwouldnthavemadeanydifference.Iwasstillolanation,Ithought,butsowhat?

  Whatgoodwasitgoingtodome?Itwouldnthavemademeanyhappier.Itwaslikescratgwhenyouhavechipox.Youthinkitsgoingtohelp,buttheitchmovesover,andthenmovesain.Myitchsuddemilesaway,andIcouldnthavereacheditwiththeloarmsintheworld.RealizingthatmademescaredthatIwasgoingtobeitchyforever,andIdidntwantthat.IknewallthethingsthatMartinhaddowhenChashadgoillwantedhimtohugme.Iwouldntevenhavecaredifhedtriedanythingon,buthedidofdidtheopposite;heheldmeallfunny,asifIwascoveredinbarbedwire.

  Imsorry,Iwent.Imsorrythatlittleshitbagcalledyounames.Andhesaiditwasntmyfault,butItoldhimthatofcourseitwas,becauseifhehadmehewouldnthavehadtoexperieraumaofbeingcalledatonNewYearsEve.Andhesaidhegotcalledatalot.

  (Thisisactuallytrue.Iveknownhimforawhilenow,andIdsayIveheardpeople,pletestrangers,callhimataboutfifteentimes,aprickabouttentimes,awankermaybeaboutthesame,andanarseholeapproximatelyhalfadozentimes.Also:tosser,berk,wally,git,shitheadandpilloobodylikeshim,whichisweird,becausehesfamous.Howyoubefamousifnobodylikesyou?

  Martinsaysitsnothingtodowiththefifteen-year-oldthing;heresthatifanythingitgotslightlybetterafterthat,becausethepeoplewhocalledhimatwereexactlythesortofpeoplewhodidhingwrongwithunderagesex.Soinsteadofshoutingoutheyshoutedoutthingslike,Goon,mysohere,,etcetera.Intermsofpersonalabuse,althoughnotintermsofhismarriageorhisrelationshipwithhischildren,orhiscareer,orhissanity,goingtoprisonactuallydidhimsomegood.Butallsortsofpeopleseemtobefamouseventhoughtheyhavenofans.TonyBlairisagoodexample.AndalltheotherpeoplewhopresentbreakfastTVprogrammesandquizshows.Thereasontheyrepaidalotofmoseemstome,isbecausestrangersyellterriblewordsatthemireet.Evenatrafficwardegetcalledatwheshoppingwithhisfamily.SotheonlyrealadvaobeingMartinisthemoney,andalsotheinvitationstofilmpremieresanddodgynightclubs.

  Andthatswhereyougetyourselfintotrouble.

  ThesewerejustsomethoughtsIhadwhenMartinandIhugged.Buttheydidusanywhere.Outsidemyheaditwasfiveoclothemandwewereallunhappyandwedidnthaveaogo.

  Iwaslike,Sonowwhat?AndIrubbedmyhandstogether,asifwewereallenjoyingourselvestoomuchtoletthenightend-asifwedbeengivingitlargeinO,andwewereallofffelsandcoffeeihnalGreen,orbaeonesflatforspliffsandachill.SoIwent,Whosegaff?Illbetyoursistasty,Martin.IllbetyouvegotJacuzzisandallsorts.Thatlldo.AndMartinsaid,gothere.And,bytheway,myJacuzzidaysarelonggone.WhichIthihathewasbroke,notthathewastoofattogoinoneoranything.Becausehesnotfat,Martioovai.

  SoIsaid,Well,nevermind,aslongasyouvegotakettleandsomeFlakes.A,Ihavent,soIwaslike,Whathaveyougottohide?Andhesaid,Nothing,buthesaiditinafunnyway,anembarrassed,hidingsortofaway.AndthenIrememberedsomethingfrombeforewhichIthoughtmightberelevantandIsaid,Whowasleavingmessagesforyouonyourmobile?A,Nobody.AndIsaid,IsthatMrNobodyormaybeMissNobody?Andhesaid,Justnobody.SoIwaoknowwhyhedidntwanttoinviteusbadhewent,BecauseIdontknowyou.

  AndIsaid,Yeah,likeyoudidntknowthatfifteen-year-old.Andthenhesaid,asifhewasangry,OK.Yeah.Letsgotomine.Whynot?

  Andsowedid.

  JJIknowIdhadthatbondingmomentwithMaureenwhenshedsmackedChas,buttotellyouthetruthIwaswontheassumptionthatifweallmadeitthroughtobreakfasttime,thenmynewbandwouldsplitupduetomusicaldifferences.Breakfasttimewouldmeanthatwedmadeitthroughtoanewdawn,newhope,aralala.Andnooffe,butIreallydidntwanttobeseenindaylightwiththesepeople,ifyouknowwhatImean-especiallywith…someofem.Butbreakfastanddaylightwerestillacoupleofhoursaway,soitfelttomelikeIhadnorealchoicebuttogowiththembaartinsplace.Todoanythingelsewouldhavebeenmeanandunfriendly,andIstilldidnttrustmyselftospendtoomuchtimeonmyown.

  MartinlivedinalittlevillageypartofIslingthtaroundtheerfromTonyBlairsoldhouse,andreallynotthekindofhoodyoudchooseifyoudfallenonhardtimes,asMartinposedtohavedone.Hepaidthecabfare,andwefollowedhimupthefroohishouse.Icouldseethreeorfourfront-doorbells,soIcouldtellitwasntallhis,butIcouldnthaveaffordedtolivethere.

  Beforeheputhiskeyinthelock,hepausedandturnedaround.

  Listen,hesaid,andthenhedidntsayanything,sowelistened.

  Idonthearanything,saidJess.

  No,Ididhatsortofliste,Listen,Imgoingtotellyousomething.

  Goon,then,saidJess.Spititout.

  Itsverylate.Sojust…berespectfuloftheneighbours.

  Thatsit?ookadeepbreath.Therellprobablybesomeohere.

  Inyourflat?Yes.

  Who?Idontknowwhatyoudcallher.Mydate.Whatever.

  Youhadadatefortheevening?Itriedtokeepmyvoieutral,but,youknow,Jesus…Whatkindofeveninghadshehad?Onemomentyouresittinginacluborwhatever,thehesdisappearedbecausehewantstojumpoffabuilding.

  Yes.Whatofit?Nothing.Just…Therewasosayanymore.Wecouldleavetheresttotheimagination.

  Fughell,saidJess.Whatkindofdateendsupwithyousittingonthefugledgeofatower-blounsuccessfulone,saidMartin.

  Ishouldthinkitwasfugunsuccessful,saidJess.

  Yes,saidMartin.ThatswhyIdescribeditassuch.

  Heopehedoortohisflatandusheredusinaheadofhim;sowesawthegirlsittingonthesofaamomentbeforehedid.Shewasmaybetenorfifteenyearsyouhanhim,ay,inakindofbimboTVweather-girlway;shewaswearinganexpensive-lookingblackdress,andshedbeengawholelot.Shestaredatus,ahim.

  Wherehaveyoubeeryingtokeepitlight,butshecouldntquitepullitoff.

  Justout.Metsome…Hegesturedatus.

  Metsomewho?Youknow.People.

  Andthatswhyyouleftinthemiddleoftheevening?No.IdidntknowIwasgoingtorunintothiscrowdwhe.

  Andwhichcrowdarethey?saidthegirl.

  IwaohearMartinahequestion,becauseitmighthavebeenfunny,butJessinterrupted.

  YourePennyChambers,saidJess.

  Shedidntsayanything,probablybecauseshekhatalready.Westaredather.

  PennyChambers,saidMaureen.Sheinglikeafugfish.

  PennyChambersstilldidntsayanything,forthesamereasonsasbefore.

  RiseandShihPennyandMartin,saidMaureen.

  Noresponseforathirdtime.IdontknowmuchaboutEnglishtelevisionstars,butIgotit.IfMartinwasRegis,thenPennywasKathyLee.TheEnglishRegishadbeennailingtheEnglishKathyLee,andthendisappearedtokillhimself.Thatrettyfughilarious,youhavetoadmit.

  Areyoutwogoingout?Jessaskedher.

  Youdbetteraskhim,saidPenheonewhovahemiddleofadinnerparty.

  Areyoutwogoingout?Jessaskedhim.

  Imsorry,saidMartin.

  Ahequestion,saidPenny.Imied.

  Thisisntreallythetimetotalkaboutit,saidMartin.

  Sotheresclearlysomedoubt,Pennysaid.Whiewstome.

  Itsplicated,saidMartin.Youkhat.

  Nope.

  YouknewIwasnthappy.

  Yes,Iknewyouwerenthappy.ButIdidntknowyouwereunhappyaboutme.

  Iwasnt…Itsnot…wetalklater?Inprivate?Hestopped,auredaroundtheroomagainatthethreestaringfaces.IthinkIspeakforeveryonewhenIsaythat,asarule,potentialsuicidestendtobeprettyself-absorbed:thoselastfewweeks,itsprettymuchallmememe.Soweweregulpingthisshitdowna)becauseitwasnotaboutusandb)becauseitwasnotaversatioodepressthehelloutofus.Itwas,forthemoment,justafightbetweenaboyfriendandagirlfriend,anditwastakingusoutofourselves.

  Andebeinprivate?Soon.Butprobablynotimmediately.

  Right.Andwhatdowetalkaboutinthemeahyourthreefriendshere?Nooneknewwhattosaytothat.Martinwasthehost,soittohimtofindtheonground.Andgoodlu.

  IthinkyoushouldcallTomandChristine,saidPenny.

  Yeah,Iwill.Tomorrow.

  Theymustthinkyouresorude.

  WhoareTomandChristihepeopleyouwerehavingdih?Yes.

  Whatdidyoutellthem?Hetoldthemhewasgoingtothetoilet,saidPenny.

  Jessburstoutlaughing.Martinglaher,replayedinhisheadthelameexcusehedused,andthensmirked,verybriefly,athisshoes.Itwasaweirdlyfamiliarmoment.Youknowwhenyourebeingtornanewassholebyyourdadforsomecrimeyouveitted,whileapalwatchesandtriesnottolaugh?Andyoutrynottocatchhiseye,becausethenyoulllaughtoo?Well,thatswhatitwaslike.Anyennyspottedthelittle-boysmirkandflewacrosstheroomatthelittleboyiion.Hegrabbedherwriststopreventherfromhittinghim.

  Howdareyoufinditfunny.

  Imsorry.Really.Iknowitsnotfunnyinanyway.Hetriedtohugher,butshepushedherselfawayfromhimandsatdownagain.

  Weneedadrink,saidMartin.Wouldyoumindiftheystayedforone?Illtakeadrinkoffjustaboutanybodyinanysituation,butevenIwasntsurewhethertotakethisoheend,though,Iwasjusttoothirsty.

  <strong>MARTIN</strong>

  ItwasonlywhebacktotheflatthatIhadanyrecolleofdescribingPennyasarightbitchwhowouldfuybodyandsnortanything.ButwhenhadIsaidthat?IspethirtyminutesorsoprayingthatithadbeenbeforeJesssarrival,whenMaureenandIwereonourown;ifJesshadheard,thenIhadnodoubtthatmyopinionofPennywouldbepassedon.

  And,needlesstosay,itwashardlyasideredopinionanyennyandIdontlivetogether,butwedbeenseeingeachotherforafewmonths,moreorlesseversioutofprison,andasyouimagioendureafairamountofdifficultyinthattime.Wedidntwantthepresstoknowthatwedbeenseeingeachother,soweneverwentoutanywhere,andweworehatsandsunglassesmoreoftenthanwasstriecessary.Ihad-stillhave,willalwayshave-anex-wifeandchildren.Iwasonlypartiallyemployed,onadismalcableel.AndasImayhavementionedbefore,Iwasntterriblycheerful.

  Andwehadahistory.Therewasabriefaffairereco-presenting,butwewerebothmarriedtootherpeople,andsotheaffairended,painfullyandsadly.Andthen,finally,aftermuchbadtimingandmanyrecriminatioogether,butwedmissedthemoment.Ihadbeesoiledgoods.Iwasbroken,finished,awreck,scrapiomofmyownbarrel;shewasstillatthetopame,beautifulandyoungandfamous,broadcastingtomillionseverym.Icouldntbelievethatshewaobewithmeforanyreasohannostalgiaandpity,andshecouldntpersuademeotherwise.Afewyearsago,dyjoinedohosedreadfulreadinggroups,whereunhappy,repressedmiddle-classlesbianstalkforfiveminutesaboutsomeheydontuand,andtheherestoftheeveningmoaningabouthowdreadfulmenare.Anyway,shereadabookaboutthiscouplewhowereicouldogetherfordonkeysyearsandthenfinallyma,agedaboutonehundred.Sheadoreditandmademereadit,andittookmeaboutaslongtogetthroughasittookthecharacterstopairoff.Well,ourrelationshipfeltlikethat,excepttheoldbiddiesinthebookhadabettertimethanPennyandIwerehaving.AfewweeksbeforeChristmas,inafitofself-disgustanddespair,Itoldhertobuggeroff,andsoshewentoutthatnightwithsomeguestontheshow,aTVchef,andhegaveherherfirst-everlineofcoke,andtheyendedupinbed,andshecameroundtoseemetheminfloodsoftears.ThatswhyItoldMaureenshewasarightbitchwhowouldsnortanythingandfuybody.Iseenowthatthiswasabitontheharshside.

  Sothat,giveortakeafewhundredheart-to-heartsandtantrums,acoupleofdozenothersplit-ups,andtheoddpunchthrown-byher,Ihastentoadd-ishowPennycametobesittingonmysofawaitingupforme.Shewouldhavebeenwaitingalongtimeifithadntbeenforourimprompturoofparty.Ihadheredwritingheranote,anomissionwhilynowisbeginningtocausemeanyremorse.Whydidwepersistiheticdelusionthatthisrelationshipwasinanywayviable?Imnotsure.

  WhenIaskedPennywhatthebigideawas,shesaidmerelythatshelovedme,whichstruckmeasananswermorelikelytofuseandobscurethantoilluminate.Asforme…Well,IassociatedPenny,perhapsuandably,withatimebeforethingshadstartedtogoawry:beforedy,beforefifteen-year-olds,beforeprison.IhadmaovincemyselfthatifIakethingsworkwithPenny,thenIakethemworkelsewhere-Icouldsomehowhaulmyselfback,asifonesyouthlaceyoucouldvisitwheneveryoufeltlikeit.Ibringyoumomentousnews:itsnot.Whodhavethought?

  MyimmediateproblemwashowtoexplainmyewithMaureen,JJandJess.Shewouldfihhurtfulandupsetting,anditwashardtothinkofaliethatwouldeveofftheground.Whatcouldwepossiblybetooher?Wedidntlooklikecolleagues,orpoetryenthusiasts,orclubbers,orsubstance-abusers;theproblem,ithastobesaid,wasMaureen,onmoreorlesseveryt,iffailingtolooklikeasubstance-abusercouldeverbedescribedasaproblem.Aheywerecolleaguesorsubstance-abusers,Iwouldstillfindithardtoexplaintheapparentdesperationofmydesiretoseethem.IhadtoldPennyandmisthatIwasgoingtothetoilet;whywouldIthenshootoutthefrontdoorhalfanhourbeforemidnightonNewYearsEve,ioattendtheAGMofsomenamelesssociety?

  SoIdecidedsimplytocarryonasiftherewasnothingtoexplain.

  Sorry.Penny,thisisJJ,Maureen,Jess,JJ,MaureehisisPenny.

  Pennyseemedunvincedevenbytheintrodus,asifIhadstartedlyingalready.

  Butyoustillhaventtoldmewhotheyare.

  Asin…?Asin,howdoyouknowthemandwheredidyoumeetthem?Itsalongstory.

  Good.

  MaureenIknowfrom…Wheredidwemeet,Maureen?Firstofall?Maureenstaredatme.

  Itsalongtimeagonow,isntit?Wellrememberinaminute.AndJJusedtobepartoftheoldelcrowd,andJessishisgirlfriend.

  JessputherarmaroundJJ,withatouchmoresatirethanImighthavewished.

  Andwhereweretheyalltonight?Theyrenotdeaf,youknow.Oridiots.Theyrenot…deafidiots.

  Wherewereyoualltonight?At…like…aparty,saidJJtentatively.

  Where?InShoreditch.

  Whose?Whosewasit,Jess?Jessshruggedcarelessly,asifithadbeenthatsortofcrazynight.

  Andwhydidyouwanttogo?Ateleven-thirty?Inthemiddleof松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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