Part 2-2
Therewasaruminativesilence.
Well.Gosh.Nowwhat?Youretheagent.Idhavethoughtthisgaveyounoendofcreativeopportunities.
Illhavealittlethinkandcallyouback.Bytheway,Jesssfatherhasbeentryingtogetholdofyou.Hecalledhere,andIsaidwedidntgiveoutpersonalnumbers.DidIdhtthing?Youdidtherightthing.Butgivehimmymobilenumberanyway.Isupposetheresnoavoidinghim.
Doyouwanttocallhim?Helefthisnumber.
Goon,then.
WhileIwasonthephoheo,bothmyex-wifeandmyex-girlfriemessages.IhadthoughtofherofthemwhenTheowasreadingoutthatstory;nowIfeltsick.Iwasbeginningtorealizeanimportanttruthaboutsuicide:failureisashurtfulassuccess,andislikelytoprovokeevenmer,becausetheresnogriefwithwhichtowateritdown.Iwas,Icouldhearfromthetohemessages,inverydeepshit.Icalleddyfirst.Youfugselfishidiot,shesaid.
Youdontknowanything,apartfromwhatyoureadinthepaper.
Youseemtobetheonlypersonintheworldthatthepapersgetbangthts.Iftheysayyouvesleptwithafifteen-year-old,youhave.Iftheysayyouvefallenoverdrunkireet,youhave.Theydooiuffforyou.
Thiswasactuallyquiteanacuteobservation.Shewasright:notoncehaveIbeeimofmisrepresentationordistortion.Ifyouthinkaboutit,thatwasohemosthumiliatingaspectsofthelastfewyears.Thepapershavebeenfullofshitaboutme,andeverywordoftheshitwastrue.
SoImpresuming,shewenton,thattheyveghtagain.Youwereupthetopofatower-blockwiththeiionyourselfoff.
Andinsteadyoucamebackdownagainwithagirl.
Thatsaboutthelongandtheshortofit.
Andwhataboutyhters?Dotheyknow?.Butsomeoschoolwilltellthem.Theyalwaysdo.Whatdoyouwaosaytothem?MaybeIshouldtalktothem.
dybarkedohebarkwas,Isuspected,inteobeasatiricallaugh.
Tellthemwhatyouwant,Isaid.TellthemDaddywassad,butthenhecheeredupagain.
Brilliant.Ifairoftwo-year-olds,thatwouldbeperfect.
Idontknow,dy.Imean,ifItseethem,thenitsnotreallymyproblem,isit?Itssomethingyouvegottodealwith.
Youbastard.
Andthatwastheendofthefirstphonecall.Pointingoutthatherrefusaltoletmeparticipateinmydaughtersupbringimeoutinthecoldstruckmeasarestatementofthebleedingobvious,butnevermind.Itgotheroffthephone.
IdontknowwhatIowemydaughtersanymaveupsmoking,yearsago,becauseIkhenthatIowedthemthatmuch.ButwhenyoumakethesortofmessIvemade,smokingseemsliketheleastofyourworries-whichiswhyIstartedagain.Nowtheresajourney:fromgivingupsmoking-givingupsmokingbecauseyouwanttoprotectyourkidsfromlossforaslongaspossible-tuingwiththeirmotheraboutthebestwaytotellthemofyourattemptedsuicide.Theyneversaidanythingaboutthatversationialclasses.Itsthedistadoesit,ofcourse.Igotfurtherandfurtheraway,andthegirlsgotsmallerandsmalleruntiltheywerejusttinydots,andIcouldnolongerseethem,literallyormetaphorically.Youtmakeouttheirfaces,you,whentheyrejusttinydots,soyoudooworryaboutwhethertheyrehappyorsad.
Itswhywekillants.Andsoafterawhile,suicidebeesimaginable,inawaythatwouldntbepossibleiftheylookedintoyoureyeseveryday.
PennywasstillgwhenIcalledher.
Atleastthatmakesmoresense,shesaidafterawhile.
What?Youleaviytogoupthere.Andtheningbackwiththosepeople.Icouldntworkoutwhattheyhadtodowithanything.
Allyouknewwasthatsomehowtheydhelpedmetohavesexwithsomeoneelse.
Exactly.Shegavealittleruefulsnort.ShesOK,Penny.Shesnotabitchatall.Shessweet-natured,self-depreg,loving…Shedmakesomeonealovelypartner.Imsorry.
Imtheonewhosfailed,arentI?Ithinkmyfailuresprecededyours.Which,bytheway,dontamounttoanything.Imean,anythingatall.Imean,therewerentanyfailures.Youvebeenfantastie.
Howdoyoufeeltoday?Ihadntaskedmyselfthatquestion.Idwokenupwithahangoverandthephing,andsihen,lifeseemedtohaveamomentum.Ihadntthoughtaboutkillingmyselfonceallm.
OK.Iwontbegoingupthereagainjustyet,ifthatswhatyoumean.
Willyoutalktomebeforeyoudo?Aboutallthat?Yes.Aboutallthat.
Idontknow.Itdoesntseemlikesomethingtalkingfix.
Oh,IknowItfixit.Ijustdontwanttohavetoreadaboutitinthepapers.
Youdobetterthanthis,Penerthanme.
Idontwantto.
Ah.Soyoudontdisagreewiththepremise.
Ivegotenoughself-respecttothinkthattheremightbeamansomewherewhodratherspendNewYearsEvewithmethaohisdeath,yes.
Sowhydontyoutryandfindhim?Wouldyoucareonewayortheother?Well.gaboutstufflikethat…ItssortofnotwhereImat,isit?Wow.Thatsho.
Isit?Iwouldhavethoughtitwasmerelyself-evident.
Sowhatdoyouwaodo?Imnotsuretheresmuchyoudo.
Willyoucallmelater?Yes,ofcourse.
Icouldpromisethatmuyway.
Everyone-everyoneapartfromChrisCri,obviously-knowswhereIlive.Theyallhavemyhomephonenumber,mymobilenumber,myemailaddress.WhenIcameoutofprison,Igaveallmycoordioanyonewhoshowedanyiall:Ineededwork,andIneededaprofile.Ineverheardbaanyofthebastards,ofcourse,butheyallwere,gatheredoutsidemyfrontdoor.WhenIsayall,Imeanthreeorfourrathersqualid-lookinghacks,mostlytheyouhosepuffy-facedboysandgirlswhousedtoreportonschoolfetesforalocalpaperandnowtbelievetheirluck.Ipushedthroughthemiddleofthem,eventhoughIcouldhavewalkedaroundthemquitefortably-fourpeopleshiveringonapavementandsippingcoffeefromStyrofoamcupsdoesntstituteamediascrum.Weallehepushing,though.
Itmademefeelimportant,anditmadethemfeelasthoughtheywereatthetreofastory.Ismiledalot,saidGotonooneinparticular,andbattedohemoutofthewaywithabriefcase.
Isittrueyoutriedtokillyourself?askedoicularlyunattractivewomaninabeigemac.
Igesturedatmyself,iodrawtheirattentiontomysuperbphysicaldition.
Well,ifIdid,Iclearlymadequiteamessofit,Isaid.
DoyouknowJessCri?Who?JessCri,theWossitMinistersdaughter.Education.
Ivebeenafriendofthefamilyformanyyears.entNewYearsEvetogether.Perhapsthatshowthisrathersillymisuandingarose.Itwasntasuicidepact.Itwasadrinksparty.Twoentirelydifferentthings.
Iwasbeginningtoenjoymyselfalittle.IwasalmostsorrywhenIreachedthePeugeotIwasrenting,atenormousexpeoreplacetheBMWIhadgivenaway.AnditwasntasifIknewwhereIwasgoinganyway.Butwithinmiherestofmydayedout:ChrisCricalledonmymobiletoinvitemeoverforachat;andthen,shortlyafterwards,fromthesametelephonenumber,JesscalledtoinformmethatwewereallgoingtovisitMaureen.Ididntmind.Ihadnothiodo.
BeforeIknockedonJesssdoor,Isatinthecarforacoupleofminutesandexaminedmysce.ThelastfrontationIdhadwithanangryfathercameshortlyaftermyill-advisedand,asittur,illegalsexualenterwithDanielle(,DD,fifteenyearsanddaysold,aellyou,thosedaysmakequiteadifferehevehispreviousfrontationwasmyflat,theold,bigflatinGibsonSquare-not,needlesstosay,becauseDaniellesfatherrespooawarminvitation,butbecausehewasoutsidewaitingformeasItriedtosneakhomeonenight.Itwasntaparticularlyfruitfulmeeting,becauseItriedtoraisetheissueofparentalresponsibilitywithhim,ariedtohitme.IstillthinkIhadapoint.Whatwasafifteen-year-olddoingsncoeistoiletsofMelonsnightclubata.m.onaTuesdaym?
Butthereisapossibilitythat,ifIhadntbeensoforcefulintheexpressionofmyview,hewouldnthavemarchedroundtheertothepolicestationandmadeaplaintaboutmyrelationshipwithhisdaughter.
Thistime,IthoughtIdtrytoavoidthatparticularlineument.IcouldseethatthesubjectofparentalresponsibilitywasanaltogethertoueintheCrihousehold,whatwithoeenagegirlmissing,possiblydead,ahersuicidal,possiblynuts.Andanyway,myscewasentirelyclear.TheonlyphysicaltactIhadhadwithJesswaswhenIsatonherhead,andthatwasforentirelynon-sexualreasons.Infact,theywerenotonlynon-sexual,butselfless.Heroic,even.
ChrisCri,unfortunately,wasnotpreparedtogreetmeasahero.Iwasntofferedahandshakeoracupofcoffee;Iwasusheredintohislivingroomandgivenadressing-down,asifIweresomehaplessparliamentaryresearcher.Ihadshownalackofjudgement,apparently-IshouldhavefoundoutJessssurnameandphonenumberandcalledhim.AndIhadsomehowshownalackoftaste-MrCriseemeduheimpressionthathisdaughtersappearahetabloidswassomethingtodowithme,simplybecauseImthekindofpersonearsinthecheaperneers.WhenItriedtopointoutthevariousflawsinhislogic,heclaimedthatIwaslikelytodoverywelloutofitall.IdjuststooduptogowhenJessappeared.
Itoldyoutostayupstairs.
Yeah,Iknow.ItsjustthatIstoppedbeingsevenawhileago.Hasanyooldyouyoureanidiot?Hewasterrifiedofher;youcouldseethatstraightaway.Hehadjustenoughself-respecttohidethefearbehindadryworld-weariness.
Imapoliti.Nooellsmeanythingbut.
WhatsitgottodowithyouwhereIspendNewYearsEve?Youseemtohavespentittogether.
Yeah,byact,youstupidoldbastard.
Thisishowshetalkstome,hesaid,lookingatmemournfully,asifmyloionshipwiththetwoofthemwouldsomehowallowmetointercedeonhisbehalf.
Illbetyrettingthedecisionnottogoprivate,arentyou?Imsorry?Veryadmirableandall,sendiheloprehe,youknow.Yougetwhatyoupayfor.Andyouevengotabitlessthanthat.
Jesssschooldoesaverygoodjobunderverydifficultcircumstances,saidCri.Fifty-onepertofJesssyeargotgradeCoraboveatGCSE,upelevenpertontheyearbefore.
Excellent.Thatmustbeagreatsolationtoyou.WebothlookedatJess,whogaveusthefinger.
Thepointis,youwereinlocoparentis,saidtheproudfather.IhadfottenthatJessfeltaboutlongwordsthewaythatracistsfeelaboutblackpeople:shehatedthem,andwaosendthembackwheretheycamefrom.Shethrewhimafilthylook.
Firstly,sheseighteen.Andsedly,Isatonherheadiostopherfromjumping.Whichmightnothavebeeal,butitwasatleastpractical.ImsorryIdidntwriteyouafullreportattheendoftheevening.
Didyousleepwithher?Whyisthatyourbusiness,Dad?Iwasnthavingthat.IwasntgoingtogetinvolvedinanargumentaboutJesssrightstoaprivatesexlife.
Absolutelynot.
Oi,saidJess.Youdonthavetosayitlikethat.
Likewhat?Likeyourerelievedorsomething.Youshouldbesolucky.
Ivalueourfriendshiptoomuplicateit.
Haha.
AreyougoingtomaintaiionshipwithJess?Defineyourterms.
Ithinkyoushoulddefineyoursfirst.
Listen,pal.IcameherebecauseIkneorriedyoumustbe.Butifyoingtotalktomelikethat,Illfuckoffhome.Theword-racistbrightenedalittle:theAnglo-SaxonwasstrikingbackagainsttheRomaninvader.
Imsorry.Butyouknowthefamilyhistorynow.Itdoesntmakethingseasyforme.
Ha!Likeitmakesthingseasyforme,saidJess.
Itshardforallofus.Crihadclearlydecidedtomakeaneffort.
Yeah,Iseethat.
Sowhatwedo?Please?Ifyouvegotahethingis,Isaid,Ivegotproblemsofmyown.
Der,saidJess.whyyouwereupthere.
Iappreciatethat,Martin.Hehadclearlybeenmedia-traiousefirstnameswhereverpossible,liketherestofBlairsrobots,toshowthathewasmymate.Ihaveahunchaboutyou.Iseeyouvemadesome,sturnsinyourlife…Jesssnorted.
ButIdontthinkyoureabadman.
Thankyou.
Wereinagang,saidJess.Arentwe,Martin?Weare,Jess,Isaid,withwhatIhopedherfatherwnizeasawearylackofenthusiasm.Werefriendsforever.
Whatsang?saidCri.
Weregoingtowatchoutforeachother.Arentwe,Martin?Weare,Jess.Ifmywordsbecameanywearier,theywouldnolongerhavetheeocrawlupmythroatandoutofmymouth.Icouldimagihemslitheringbackdowntowheretheydefrom.
Soyouwillbeinlocoparentisafterall?Imnotsureitsthatsang,Isaid."TheLocoParentisgang"…Doesntsouough,doesit?Whatarewegoingtodo?BeatupthePaterfamiliases?Youfugshutupandyoufugshutup,Jesssaid,toCriandmerespectively.
Mypointis,saidCri,thatyoingtobearound.
Hespromised,Jesssaid.
AndImsupposedtofeelreassuredbythat.
Youfeelwhatyoulike,Isaid.ButImnotreassuringanyoneaboutanything.
Youhavechildrenofyourown,Iuand?Sortof,saidJess.
IdoospellouthowworriedIvebeenaboutJess,andwhatadifferewouldmaketoknowthattherewasasensibleadultlookingoutforher.
Jesssniggeredunhelpfully.
Iknowyouwouldntbe…Yourely…Someofthetabloidswould...
Hesworriedaboutyousleepingwithfifteen-year-olds,saidJess.
Imnotbeinginterviewedforthisjob,Isaid.Idontwantit,andifyouchoosetogiveittome,thatsyourlookout.
AllIwantyoutosayisthatifyouseeJessgettingherselfintoserioustrouble,thenyoulleithertrytopreventit,oryoulltellmeaboutit.
Hedloveto,saidJess.Buthesflatbroke.
Whyismoneyrelevant?BecausesayhehadtokeepaneyeonmeandIdgoosomeething,andtheywouldhiminbecausehesskint…hat?IcouldgointhereandODonsmack.Idbedead,justbecauseyouweretoomeantostumpup.
IsuddenlysawJessspoint:aweeklywageof￡fromBritainslowest-ratedcableTVstationnotonlyfocusesthemindbutstimulatesempathyandimagination.Jessslumpedlifelessinatoilet,allforthesakeoftwentyquid…Itwastooghastlytoplate,ifyouplatedintherightspirit.
Howmuchdoyouwant?Criletoutasigh,asifeverything-theversationwewerehaving,NewYearsEve,myprisoence-hadbeencarefullyplottedtoleadtothismoment.
Idontwantanything,Isaid.
Yes,youdo,saidJess.Yeshedoes.
Howmuchdoesitcosttogetintoaclub,thesedays?Criasked.
Yougetthroughahundredquid,easy,saidJess.
Ahundredquid?Wewerehumiliatingourselvesforthepriceofadetdinnerfortwo?
Idontdoubtyou"getthrough"ahundredquidwith.Buthewouldo"getthrough"anything,wouldhe?Hedohepriission,ifyoudoverdoseds.Impresumingthathewouldoppingatthebar,ifyouwerehbetweenlifeahioilet.
Sowhatyouresayingis,mylifeisntworthahundredquidtoyou.
ThatserpeoJen.Iwouldnthavethoughtyouhadenoughdaughterstospare.
Jess,thatsnotfair.
Thefrontdoorslammedsomewherebetweeandthefair,andCriandIwereleftstaringateachother.
Ihahatbadly,hesaid,didntI?Ishrugged.Shewasextmohmenaces.Eitheryougiveherasmuchasshewantseverytimesheasksforit,orshestormsout.AndIseethatmightbealittle…youknow.Discerting.Giventhefamilyhistory.
Illgiveherasmuchasshewants,everytimesheasksforit,hesaid.
Pleasegoandfindher.
Ileftthehousetwohundredandfiftypoundsricher;Jesswaswaitingformeattheendofthedrive.
Illbetyougotdoubleereaskingfor,shesaid.Alwaysworks,whenyoumentionJen.
<strong>JESS</strong>
Youwontbelievethis-IdontthinkIdonow-butinmyhead,peoJenhadfuckalltodowithNewYearsEve.Icouldtell,fromtalkingtotheothersandreadingthepapers,thatnooneelsesawitthatway,though.Theywerelike,Ooooh,Igetit:yoursisterdisappeared,soyouwanttojumpoffabuilding.Butitisntlikethat.Imsureitmusthavebeenaningredient,sortofthing,butitwasntthewholerecipe.SayImaspaghettiBolognese,wellIreJenisthetomatoes.Maybetheonions.
Orevenjustthegarlic.Butshesnotthemeatorthepasta.
Everyostosomethinglikethatindifferentways,dontthey?
Somepeoplewouldstartsupproupsandallthat;Iknowtheywould,becauseMumandDadarealwaystryingtointroducemetosomefuggrouporanother,mostlybecausethegroupwassetupbysomeonewhoendedupgettingaCSEorwhateveroffoftheQueen.Andsomepeoplewouldsitdown,turVonandwatchforthewentyyears.
Me,Ijuststartedmessingaround.Orrather,messingaroundbecamemorelikeafull-timejob,whereaspreviouslyithadbeenahobby:somemessingaroundhadalreadybeendonebeforeJe.Illbehoaboutthat.
Befoon,Illahequestionsthateveryonealwaysasks,justsosyoudontsittherewandnottratingonwhatImsaying.
No,Idontknowwheresheis.Yes,Ithinkshesalive.WhyIthinkshesalive:becausethatwholethingwiththethecarparklookedphonytome.Whatdoesitfeellike,havingamissingsister?Itellyou.Youknowhowifyoulosesomethingvaluable,awalletorapieceofjewellery,youttrateonanythingelse?Well,itfeelslikethatallthetime,everyday.
Theressomethingelsepeopleask:Wheredoyouthinksheis?Whichisdifferentfrom:DoIknowwheresheis?AtfirstIdidntuandthatthetwoquestionsweredifferent.AndthenwhenIdiduand,IthoughtthattheWheredoyouthinksheis?questionwasstupid.Like,wellifIkhatIdgoandlookforher.ButnowIuanditasbeingamorepoeticquestion.Cos,really,itsawayofaskingwhatshewaslike.DoIthinkshesinAfrica,helpingpeople?OrdoIthinkshesononelongpermarave,orwritingpoemsonaScottishisland,ortravellingthroughthebushinAustralia?SohereswhatIthink.Ithinkshehasababy,maybeinAmeridshesinalittletownsomewheresunny,Texas,say,orCalifornia,andsheslivingwithamanwhoworkshardwithhishandsandlooksafterherandlovesher.SothatswhatItellpeople,exceptofcourseIdontknowwhetherImtellingthemaboutJenoraboutme.
Oh,andonemorething-especiallyifyourereadingthisiure,wheneveryonesfottenaboutusandhowthingsturforus:dontsitaroundhopingforhertopopuplateron,torescueme.Shedoesnteback,OK?Afindoutshesdead,either.Nothinghappens,setaboutit.Well,dontfetabouther,becauseshesimportant.Butfetaboutthatsortofending.Itsnotthatsortofstory.
MaureenliveshalfwaybetweenToppersHouseaishTown,ihoselittlepokystreetsfullofoldladiesandteachers.Idontknowforsuretheyreteachers,butthereareanawfullotofbikesaround-bikesandrecygbins.Itsshit,recyg,isntit?IsaidtoMartin,andhewaslike,Ifyousayso.Hesoundedabittired.AndIaskedhimifhewaoknowwhyitwasshit,buthedidnt.JustlikehehadntwaoknowwhyFrancewasshit,either.Hewasntinachattymood,Isuppose.
ItwasjustmeandMartininthecarbecauseJJdidntwantaliftwithus,eventhoughwenearlywentpasthisflat.JJprobablywouldhavehelpedsmooththeversationalongabit,Ithink.IwaalkbecauseIwasnervous,andthatprobablymademesaystupidthings.Ormaybestupidisthewrongword,becauseitsnotstupidtosayFranceisshit.Itsjustabitabruptorwhatever.JJcouldhaveputasortoframpuptomysenteohelppeopleskateboarddownfromthem.
IwasnervousbecauseIkhatweweregoingtomeetMatty,andImsortofnotgoodwithdisabledpeople.Itsnothingpersonal,andIdontthinkImdisablist,becauseIknowtheyveghtstoaneducationandbuspassesandthat;itsjustthattheyturnmystomachabit.Itsallthathavingtopretendtheyrejustlikeyouandmewhentheyrenot,really,arethey?Imnottalkingdisabledlikepeoplewhohaveonlygotoneleg,say.
Theyreallright.Imtalkingabouttheoneswhoarentrightuptop,andshout,andmakefunnyfaces.Howyousaytheyrelikeyouandme?
OK,Ishoutandmakefunnyfaces,butIknowwhenImdoingit.MostofthetimeIdo,anyway.Withthemtheresing,isthere?Theyreallovertheplace.
Tobefairtohim,though,Mattysprettyquiet.HessortofsodisabledthatitsOK,ifyouknowwhatImeasitsthere.Frommypointofvierobablybetter,althoughIseethatfromhis,itsprobablynotmuchgood.Exceptwhoknowswhetherhesgotapointofview?Andifhehasntgotohenitsgottobemits,hasntit?Hesquitetall,andhesinawheelchair,acushionsandwhathaveyoustuffedupbehindhisostophisheadlollingabout.Hedoesntlookatyouoranything,soyoudooofreakedout.Yethesthereafterawhile,soIcopedbetterthanIthoughtIwould.Fughell,though.
PooroldMaureen.Illtellyou,youwouldnthavepersuadedmedownfromthatroof.Noway.
JJwasalreadytherewhenwearrived,soalkedinitwaslikeafamilyreunion,exoonelookedlikeeachother,andeobepleasedtoseeeachother.Maureenmadeusacupoftea,andMartinandJJaskedhersomepolitequestionsaboutMatty.Ijustlookedaroundabit,becauseIdidntwanttolisten.Shereallyhadtidiedup,likeshesaidshewasgoingto.Therewasalmostnothingintheplace,apartfromthetellyandthingstositon.Itwaslikeshedjustmovedin.Infact,Igottheimpressionthatshedmovedthingsoutandtakenthingsdown,becauseyoucouldjustmakeoutmarksonthewall.ButthenMartinwasgoing,Whatdoyouthink,Jess?,soIhadtostoplookingaroundandstartjoiningin.lanstomake.
JJIdidntwanttogotoMaureensplacewithMartinandJessbecauseIimetothink.Iddoneacoupleinterviewswithmusicjournalistsi,buttheywerefansoftheband,sweetguyswhowentawaytotallypsychedifyougavethemademodletthembuyyouadrink.Butthesepeople,peoplelikethekno-the-doorinspirationallady…Man,Ididntknowanythingaboutthem.AllIknewwasthattheydsomehowfoundoutmyaddressiy-fourhours,andiftheycoulddothat,thenwhatcouldnttheydo?ItwasliketheyhadthenamesandaddressesofeverysinglepersonlivinginBritain,justincaseonedayanyofthemdidanythingthatmightbeiing.
Anyway,shemademetotallyparanoid.Ifshewao,shecouldfindoutaboutthebandinfiveminutes.AndtheaholdofEddie,andLizzie,andthenshedfindoutthatIwasntdyingofanything-orifIwas,Idkepttheomyself.Plus,shedfindoutthatthediseaseIwasntdyingofwasent.
Inotherwords,IwasfreakedoutenoughtothinkIwasintrouble.ItookabusuptoMaureens,andonthewayIdecidedIwasgoingtoe,tellthemallabouteverything,andiftheydidntlikeit,fuckem.ButIdidntwantthemreadingaboutitinthepapers.
IttookusawhiletogetusedtothesoundofpoorMattysbreathing,whichwasloudandsoundedasifittookalotofeffort.Wewereallthinkingthesamething,Iguess:wewereallwwhetherwecouldhavecoped,ifwewereMaureen;wewerealltryingtofigureoutwhetheranythingcouldhavepersuadedustoebackdownoffthatroof.
Jess,saidMartin.Youwaomeet.Whydontyoucallustoorder?OK,shesaid,andsheclearedherthroat.Wearegatheredheretoday...
Martinlaughed.
Fughell,shesaid.Iveonlydonehalfasentence.Whatsfunnyaboutthat?Martinshookhishead.
No,eon.IfImsofugfunny,Iwanttoknowwhy.
Itsperhapsbecauseitssomethingmoreusuallysaidinchurch.
Therewasalongpause.
Yeah.Ikhat.ThatwasthevibeIwasafter.
Why?Martinasked.
Maureen,yougotochurch,dontyou?Jesssaid.
Iusedto,saidMaureen.
Yeah,see.IwastryingtomakeMaureenfeelfortable.
Verythoughtfulofyou.
WhydoyouhavetofuckupeverythingIdo?Gosh,saidMartin.Ialmostsmelltheinse.
Right,youstartitoffthen,youfug...
Thatsenough,saidMaureen.Inmyhouse.Infrontofmyson.
MartinandIlookedateachother,screwedupourfaces,heldourbreaths,crosseders,butitwasnouse.Jesswasgoingtopointouttheobviousanyway.
Infrontofyourson?Buthes...
IhaventgotCCR,Isaid.ItwastheonlythingIcouldthinkof.Imean,obviouslyitneededsaying,butIhadinteogivemyselfalittlemorepreparationtime.
Therewasasilence.Iwaswaitingforthemtodumponme.
Oh,JJ!Jesssaid.Thatsfantastic!IttookmeamiorealizethatintheweirdworldofJess,theyhadnotonlyfoundacureforCCRduringtheChristmasholidays,butdeliveredittomyfrontdoorintheAngelsometimebetweenNewYearsEveandJanuarynd.
ImnotsurethatsquitewhatJJissaying,saidMartin.
No,Isaid.Thethingis,Ineverhadit.
No!Bastards.
Who?Thefuck-bloodydoctors.AtMaureenshouse,fuck-bloodybecameJessscurseofchoice.Youshouldsuethem.Supposingyoudjumped?
Andtheydgotitwrong?Motherfucker.Diditreallyhavetobethishard?
Imnotsurehesquitesayingthat,either,saidMartin.
No,Isaid.Illtryandbeasclearaspossible:thereaintnosuchthingasCdeveniftherewas,Imnotdyingofit.Imadeitup,cos…Idontknow.PartlycosIwantedyoursympathy,andpartlybecauseIdidntthinkyouduandwhatwasreallywrongwithme.Imsorry.
Youtosser,saidJess.
Thatsawful,saidMaureen.
Youarsehole,saidJess.
Martinsmiled.Tellingpeopleyouhaveanincurablediseasewhenyoudontisprobablyrightuptherewithsedugafifteen-year-old,sohewasenjoyingmyembarrassment.Plus,hewasmaybeeveledtoalittlemoralsuperiority,becauseheddohedetthingwhehumiliated:hedwalkedtothetopofToppersHouseanddangledhisfeetovertheedge.OK,hedidntgoover,but,youknow,hedshowakingthingsseriously.Me,Idthoughtaboutoffingmyselffirstandthendisgracedmyselfafterwards.IdbeeanevenbiggerassholesinewYearsEve,whichwaskindofdepressing.
Sowhydidyousayit?Jessasked.
Yes,saidMartin.Whatwereyo松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
Well.Gosh.Nowwhat?Youretheagent.Idhavethoughtthisgaveyounoendofcreativeopportunities.
Illhavealittlethinkandcallyouback.Bytheway,Jesssfatherhasbeentryingtogetholdofyou.Hecalledhere,andIsaidwedidntgiveoutpersonalnumbers.DidIdhtthing?Youdidtherightthing.Butgivehimmymobilenumberanyway.Isupposetheresnoavoidinghim.
Doyouwanttocallhim?Helefthisnumber.
Goon,then.
WhileIwasonthephoheo,bothmyex-wifeandmyex-girlfriemessages.IhadthoughtofherofthemwhenTheowasreadingoutthatstory;nowIfeltsick.Iwasbeginningtorealizeanimportanttruthaboutsuicide:failureisashurtfulassuccess,andislikelytoprovokeevenmer,becausetheresnogriefwithwhichtowateritdown.Iwas,Icouldhearfromthetohemessages,inverydeepshit.Icalleddyfirst.Youfugselfishidiot,shesaid.
Youdontknowanything,apartfromwhatyoureadinthepaper.
Youseemtobetheonlypersonintheworldthatthepapersgetbangthts.Iftheysayyouvesleptwithafifteen-year-old,youhave.Iftheysayyouvefallenoverdrunkireet,youhave.Theydooiuffforyou.
Thiswasactuallyquiteanacuteobservation.Shewasright:notoncehaveIbeeimofmisrepresentationordistortion.Ifyouthinkaboutit,thatwasohemosthumiliatingaspectsofthelastfewyears.Thepapershavebeenfullofshitaboutme,andeverywordoftheshitwastrue.
SoImpresuming,shewenton,thattheyveghtagain.Youwereupthetopofatower-blockwiththeiionyourselfoff.
Andinsteadyoucamebackdownagainwithagirl.
Thatsaboutthelongandtheshortofit.
Andwhataboutyhters?Dotheyknow?.Butsomeoschoolwilltellthem.Theyalwaysdo.Whatdoyouwaosaytothem?MaybeIshouldtalktothem.
dybarkedohebarkwas,Isuspected,inteobeasatiricallaugh.
Tellthemwhatyouwant,Isaid.TellthemDaddywassad,butthenhecheeredupagain.
Brilliant.Ifairoftwo-year-olds,thatwouldbeperfect.
Idontknow,dy.Imean,ifItseethem,thenitsnotreallymyproblem,isit?Itssomethingyouvegottodealwith.
Youbastard.
Andthatwastheendofthefirstphonecall.Pointingoutthatherrefusaltoletmeparticipateinmydaughtersupbringimeoutinthecoldstruckmeasarestatementofthebleedingobvious,butnevermind.Itgotheroffthephone.
IdontknowwhatIowemydaughtersanymaveupsmoking,yearsago,becauseIkhenthatIowedthemthatmuch.ButwhenyoumakethesortofmessIvemade,smokingseemsliketheleastofyourworries-whichiswhyIstartedagain.Nowtheresajourney:fromgivingupsmoking-givingupsmokingbecauseyouwanttoprotectyourkidsfromlossforaslongaspossible-tuingwiththeirmotheraboutthebestwaytotellthemofyourattemptedsuicide.Theyneversaidanythingaboutthatversationialclasses.Itsthedistadoesit,ofcourse.Igotfurtherandfurtheraway,andthegirlsgotsmallerandsmalleruntiltheywerejusttinydots,andIcouldnolongerseethem,literallyormetaphorically.Youtmakeouttheirfaces,you,whentheyrejusttinydots,soyoudooworryaboutwhethertheyrehappyorsad.
Itswhywekillants.Andsoafterawhile,suicidebeesimaginable,inawaythatwouldntbepossibleiftheylookedintoyoureyeseveryday.
PennywasstillgwhenIcalledher.
Atleastthatmakesmoresense,shesaidafterawhile.
What?Youleaviytogoupthere.Andtheningbackwiththosepeople.Icouldntworkoutwhattheyhadtodowithanything.
Allyouknewwasthatsomehowtheydhelpedmetohavesexwithsomeoneelse.
Exactly.Shegavealittleruefulsnort.ShesOK,Penny.Shesnotabitchatall.Shessweet-natured,self-depreg,loving…Shedmakesomeonealovelypartner.Imsorry.
Imtheonewhosfailed,arentI?Ithinkmyfailuresprecededyours.Which,bytheway,dontamounttoanything.Imean,anythingatall.Imean,therewerentanyfailures.Youvebeenfantastie.
Howdoyoufeeltoday?Ihadntaskedmyselfthatquestion.Idwokenupwithahangoverandthephing,andsihen,lifeseemedtohaveamomentum.Ihadntthoughtaboutkillingmyselfonceallm.
OK.Iwontbegoingupthereagainjustyet,ifthatswhatyoumean.
Willyoutalktomebeforeyoudo?Aboutallthat?Yes.Aboutallthat.
Idontknow.Itdoesntseemlikesomethingtalkingfix.
Oh,IknowItfixit.Ijustdontwanttohavetoreadaboutitinthepapers.
Youdobetterthanthis,Penerthanme.
Idontwantto.
Ah.Soyoudontdisagreewiththepremise.
Ivegotenoughself-respecttothinkthattheremightbeamansomewherewhodratherspendNewYearsEvewithmethaohisdeath,yes.
Sowhydontyoutryandfindhim?Wouldyoucareonewayortheother?Well.gaboutstufflikethat…ItssortofnotwhereImat,isit?Wow.Thatsho.
Isit?Iwouldhavethoughtitwasmerelyself-evident.
Sowhatdoyouwaodo?Imnotsuretheresmuchyoudo.
Willyoucallmelater?Yes,ofcourse.
Icouldpromisethatmuyway.
Everyone-everyoneapartfromChrisCri,obviously-knowswhereIlive.Theyallhavemyhomephonenumber,mymobilenumber,myemailaddress.WhenIcameoutofprison,Igaveallmycoordioanyonewhoshowedanyiall:Ineededwork,andIneededaprofile.Ineverheardbaanyofthebastards,ofcourse,butheyallwere,gatheredoutsidemyfrontdoor.WhenIsayall,Imeanthreeorfourrathersqualid-lookinghacks,mostlytheyouhosepuffy-facedboysandgirlswhousedtoreportonschoolfetesforalocalpaperandnowtbelievetheirluck.Ipushedthroughthemiddleofthem,eventhoughIcouldhavewalkedaroundthemquitefortably-fourpeopleshiveringonapavementandsippingcoffeefromStyrofoamcupsdoesntstituteamediascrum.Weallehepushing,though.
Itmademefeelimportant,anditmadethemfeelasthoughtheywereatthetreofastory.Ismiledalot,saidGotonooneinparticular,andbattedohemoutofthewaywithabriefcase.
Isittrueyoutriedtokillyourself?askedoicularlyunattractivewomaninabeigemac.
Igesturedatmyself,iodrawtheirattentiontomysuperbphysicaldition.
Well,ifIdid,Iclearlymadequiteamessofit,Isaid.
DoyouknowJessCri?Who?JessCri,theWossitMinistersdaughter.Education.
Ivebeenafriendofthefamilyformanyyears.entNewYearsEvetogether.Perhapsthatshowthisrathersillymisuandingarose.Itwasntasuicidepact.Itwasadrinksparty.Twoentirelydifferentthings.
Iwasbeginningtoenjoymyselfalittle.IwasalmostsorrywhenIreachedthePeugeotIwasrenting,atenormousexpeoreplacetheBMWIhadgivenaway.AnditwasntasifIknewwhereIwasgoinganyway.Butwithinmiherestofmydayedout:ChrisCricalledonmymobiletoinvitemeoverforachat;andthen,shortlyafterwards,fromthesametelephonenumber,JesscalledtoinformmethatwewereallgoingtovisitMaureen.Ididntmind.Ihadnothiodo.
BeforeIknockedonJesssdoor,Isatinthecarforacoupleofminutesandexaminedmysce.ThelastfrontationIdhadwithanangryfathercameshortlyaftermyill-advisedand,asittur,illegalsexualenterwithDanielle(,DD,fifteenyearsanddaysold,aellyou,thosedaysmakequiteadifferehevehispreviousfrontationwasmyflat,theold,bigflatinGibsonSquare-not,needlesstosay,becauseDaniellesfatherrespooawarminvitation,butbecausehewasoutsidewaitingformeasItriedtosneakhomeonenight.Itwasntaparticularlyfruitfulmeeting,becauseItriedtoraisetheissueofparentalresponsibilitywithhim,ariedtohitme.IstillthinkIhadapoint.Whatwasafifteen-year-olddoingsncoeistoiletsofMelonsnightclubata.m.onaTuesdaym?
Butthereisapossibilitythat,ifIhadntbeensoforcefulintheexpressionofmyview,hewouldnthavemarchedroundtheertothepolicestationandmadeaplaintaboutmyrelationshipwithhisdaughter.
Thistime,IthoughtIdtrytoavoidthatparticularlineument.IcouldseethatthesubjectofparentalresponsibilitywasanaltogethertoueintheCrihousehold,whatwithoeenagegirlmissing,possiblydead,ahersuicidal,possiblynuts.Andanyway,myscewasentirelyclear.TheonlyphysicaltactIhadhadwithJesswaswhenIsatonherhead,andthatwasforentirelynon-sexualreasons.Infact,theywerenotonlynon-sexual,butselfless.Heroic,even.
ChrisCri,unfortunately,wasnotpreparedtogreetmeasahero.Iwasntofferedahandshakeoracupofcoffee;Iwasusheredintohislivingroomandgivenadressing-down,asifIweresomehaplessparliamentaryresearcher.Ihadshownalackofjudgement,apparently-IshouldhavefoundoutJessssurnameandphonenumberandcalledhim.AndIhadsomehowshownalackoftaste-MrCriseemeduheimpressionthathisdaughtersappearahetabloidswassomethingtodowithme,simplybecauseImthekindofpersonearsinthecheaperneers.WhenItriedtopointoutthevariousflawsinhislogic,heclaimedthatIwaslikelytodoverywelloutofitall.IdjuststooduptogowhenJessappeared.
Itoldyoutostayupstairs.
Yeah,Iknow.ItsjustthatIstoppedbeingsevenawhileago.Hasanyooldyouyoureanidiot?Hewasterrifiedofher;youcouldseethatstraightaway.Hehadjustenoughself-respecttohidethefearbehindadryworld-weariness.
Imapoliti.Nooellsmeanythingbut.
WhatsitgottodowithyouwhereIspendNewYearsEve?Youseemtohavespentittogether.
Yeah,byact,youstupidoldbastard.
Thisishowshetalkstome,hesaid,lookingatmemournfully,asifmyloionshipwiththetwoofthemwouldsomehowallowmetointercedeonhisbehalf.
Illbetyrettingthedecisionnottogoprivate,arentyou?Imsorry?Veryadmirableandall,sendiheloprehe,youknow.Yougetwhatyoupayfor.Andyouevengotabitlessthanthat.
Jesssschooldoesaverygoodjobunderverydifficultcircumstances,saidCri.Fifty-onepertofJesssyeargotgradeCoraboveatGCSE,upelevenpertontheyearbefore.
Excellent.Thatmustbeagreatsolationtoyou.WebothlookedatJess,whogaveusthefinger.
Thepointis,youwereinlocoparentis,saidtheproudfather.IhadfottenthatJessfeltaboutlongwordsthewaythatracistsfeelaboutblackpeople:shehatedthem,andwaosendthembackwheretheycamefrom.Shethrewhimafilthylook.
Firstly,sheseighteen.Andsedly,Isatonherheadiostopherfromjumping.Whichmightnothavebeeal,butitwasatleastpractical.ImsorryIdidntwriteyouafullreportattheendoftheevening.
Didyousleepwithher?Whyisthatyourbusiness,Dad?Iwasnthavingthat.IwasntgoingtogetinvolvedinanargumentaboutJesssrightstoaprivatesexlife.
Absolutelynot.
Oi,saidJess.Youdonthavetosayitlikethat.
Likewhat?Likeyourerelievedorsomething.Youshouldbesolucky.
Ivalueourfriendshiptoomuplicateit.
Haha.
AreyougoingtomaintaiionshipwithJess?Defineyourterms.
Ithinkyoushoulddefineyoursfirst.
Listen,pal.IcameherebecauseIkneorriedyoumustbe.Butifyoingtotalktomelikethat,Illfuckoffhome.Theword-racistbrightenedalittle:theAnglo-SaxonwasstrikingbackagainsttheRomaninvader.
Imsorry.Butyouknowthefamilyhistorynow.Itdoesntmakethingseasyforme.
Ha!Likeitmakesthingseasyforme,saidJess.
Itshardforallofus.Crihadclearlydecidedtomakeaneffort.
Yeah,Iseethat.
Sowhatwedo?Please?Ifyouvegotahethingis,Isaid,Ivegotproblemsofmyown.
Der,saidJess.whyyouwereupthere.
Iappreciatethat,Martin.Hehadclearlybeenmedia-traiousefirstnameswhereverpossible,liketherestofBlairsrobots,toshowthathewasmymate.Ihaveahunchaboutyou.Iseeyouvemadesome,sturnsinyourlife…Jesssnorted.
ButIdontthinkyoureabadman.
Thankyou.
Wereinagang,saidJess.Arentwe,Martin?Weare,Jess,Isaid,withwhatIhopedherfatherwnizeasawearylackofenthusiasm.Werefriendsforever.
Whatsang?saidCri.
Weregoingtowatchoutforeachother.Arentwe,Martin?Weare,Jess.Ifmywordsbecameanywearier,theywouldnolongerhavetheeocrawlupmythroatandoutofmymouth.Icouldimagihemslitheringbackdowntowheretheydefrom.
Soyouwillbeinlocoparentisafterall?Imnotsureitsthatsang,Isaid."TheLocoParentisgang"…Doesntsouough,doesit?Whatarewegoingtodo?BeatupthePaterfamiliases?Youfugshutupandyoufugshutup,Jesssaid,toCriandmerespectively.
Mypointis,saidCri,thatyoingtobearound.
Hespromised,Jesssaid.
AndImsupposedtofeelreassuredbythat.
Youfeelwhatyoulike,Isaid.ButImnotreassuringanyoneaboutanything.
Youhavechildrenofyourown,Iuand?Sortof,saidJess.
IdoospellouthowworriedIvebeenaboutJess,andwhatadifferewouldmaketoknowthattherewasasensibleadultlookingoutforher.
Jesssniggeredunhelpfully.
Iknowyouwouldntbe…Yourely…Someofthetabloidswould...
Hesworriedaboutyousleepingwithfifteen-year-olds,saidJess.
Imnotbeinginterviewedforthisjob,Isaid.Idontwantit,andifyouchoosetogiveittome,thatsyourlookout.
AllIwantyoutosayisthatifyouseeJessgettingherselfintoserioustrouble,thenyoulleithertrytopreventit,oryoulltellmeaboutit.
Hedloveto,saidJess.Buthesflatbroke.
Whyismoneyrelevant?BecausesayhehadtokeepaneyeonmeandIdgoosomeething,andtheywouldhiminbecausehesskint…hat?IcouldgointhereandODonsmack.Idbedead,justbecauseyouweretoomeantostumpup.
IsuddenlysawJessspoint:aweeklywageof￡fromBritainslowest-ratedcableTVstationnotonlyfocusesthemindbutstimulatesempathyandimagination.Jessslumpedlifelessinatoilet,allforthesakeoftwentyquid…Itwastooghastlytoplate,ifyouplatedintherightspirit.
Howmuchdoyouwant?Criletoutasigh,asifeverything-theversationwewerehaving,NewYearsEve,myprisoence-hadbeencarefullyplottedtoleadtothismoment.
Idontwantanything,Isaid.
Yes,youdo,saidJess.Yeshedoes.
Howmuchdoesitcosttogetintoaclub,thesedays?Criasked.
Yougetthroughahundredquid,easy,saidJess.
Ahundredquid?Wewerehumiliatingourselvesforthepriceofadetdinnerfortwo?
Idontdoubtyou"getthrough"ahundredquidwith.Buthewouldo"getthrough"anything,wouldhe?Hedohepriission,ifyoudoverdoseds.Impresumingthathewouldoppingatthebar,ifyouwerehbetweenlifeahioilet.
Sowhatyouresayingis,mylifeisntworthahundredquidtoyou.
ThatserpeoJen.Iwouldnthavethoughtyouhadenoughdaughterstospare.
Jess,thatsnotfair.
Thefrontdoorslammedsomewherebetweeandthefair,andCriandIwereleftstaringateachother.
Ihahatbadly,hesaid,didntI?Ishrugged.Shewasextmohmenaces.Eitheryougiveherasmuchasshewantseverytimesheasksforit,orshestormsout.AndIseethatmightbealittle…youknow.Discerting.Giventhefamilyhistory.
Illgiveherasmuchasshewants,everytimesheasksforit,hesaid.
Pleasegoandfindher.
Ileftthehousetwohundredandfiftypoundsricher;Jesswaswaitingformeattheendofthedrive.
Illbetyougotdoubleereaskingfor,shesaid.Alwaysworks,whenyoumentionJen.
<strong>JESS</strong>
Youwontbelievethis-IdontthinkIdonow-butinmyhead,peoJenhadfuckalltodowithNewYearsEve.Icouldtell,fromtalkingtotheothersandreadingthepapers,thatnooneelsesawitthatway,though.Theywerelike,Ooooh,Igetit:yoursisterdisappeared,soyouwanttojumpoffabuilding.Butitisntlikethat.Imsureitmusthavebeenaningredient,sortofthing,butitwasntthewholerecipe.SayImaspaghettiBolognese,wellIreJenisthetomatoes.Maybetheonions.
Orevenjustthegarlic.Butshesnotthemeatorthepasta.
Everyostosomethinglikethatindifferentways,dontthey?
Somepeoplewouldstartsupproupsandallthat;Iknowtheywould,becauseMumandDadarealwaystryingtointroducemetosomefuggrouporanother,mostlybecausethegroupwassetupbysomeonewhoendedupgettingaCSEorwhateveroffoftheQueen.Andsomepeoplewouldsitdown,turVonandwatchforthewentyyears.
Me,Ijuststartedmessingaround.Orrather,messingaroundbecamemorelikeafull-timejob,whereaspreviouslyithadbeenahobby:somemessingaroundhadalreadybeendonebeforeJe.Illbehoaboutthat.
Befoon,Illahequestionsthateveryonealwaysasks,justsosyoudontsittherewandnottratingonwhatImsaying.
No,Idontknowwheresheis.Yes,Ithinkshesalive.WhyIthinkshesalive:becausethatwholethingwiththethecarparklookedphonytome.Whatdoesitfeellike,havingamissingsister?Itellyou.Youknowhowifyoulosesomethingvaluable,awalletorapieceofjewellery,youttrateonanythingelse?Well,itfeelslikethatallthetime,everyday.
Theressomethingelsepeopleask:Wheredoyouthinksheis?Whichisdifferentfrom:DoIknowwheresheis?AtfirstIdidntuandthatthetwoquestionsweredifferent.AndthenwhenIdiduand,IthoughtthattheWheredoyouthinksheis?questionwasstupid.Like,wellifIkhatIdgoandlookforher.ButnowIuanditasbeingamorepoeticquestion.Cos,really,itsawayofaskingwhatshewaslike.DoIthinkshesinAfrica,helpingpeople?OrdoIthinkshesononelongpermarave,orwritingpoemsonaScottishisland,ortravellingthroughthebushinAustralia?SohereswhatIthink.Ithinkshehasababy,maybeinAmeridshesinalittletownsomewheresunny,Texas,say,orCalifornia,andsheslivingwithamanwhoworkshardwithhishandsandlooksafterherandlovesher.SothatswhatItellpeople,exceptofcourseIdontknowwhetherImtellingthemaboutJenoraboutme.
Oh,andonemorething-especiallyifyourereadingthisiure,wheneveryonesfottenaboutusandhowthingsturforus:dontsitaroundhopingforhertopopuplateron,torescueme.Shedoesnteback,OK?Afindoutshesdead,either.Nothinghappens,setaboutit.Well,dontfetabouther,becauseshesimportant.Butfetaboutthatsortofending.Itsnotthatsortofstory.
MaureenliveshalfwaybetweenToppersHouseaishTown,ihoselittlepokystreetsfullofoldladiesandteachers.Idontknowforsuretheyreteachers,butthereareanawfullotofbikesaround-bikesandrecygbins.Itsshit,recyg,isntit?IsaidtoMartin,andhewaslike,Ifyousayso.Hesoundedabittired.AndIaskedhimifhewaoknowwhyitwasshit,buthedidnt.JustlikehehadntwaoknowwhyFrancewasshit,either.Hewasntinachattymood,Isuppose.
ItwasjustmeandMartininthecarbecauseJJdidntwantaliftwithus,eventhoughwenearlywentpasthisflat.JJprobablywouldhavehelpedsmooththeversationalongabit,Ithink.IwaalkbecauseIwasnervous,andthatprobablymademesaystupidthings.Ormaybestupidisthewrongword,becauseitsnotstupidtosayFranceisshit.Itsjustabitabruptorwhatever.JJcouldhaveputasortoframpuptomysenteohelppeopleskateboarddownfromthem.
IwasnervousbecauseIkhatweweregoingtomeetMatty,andImsortofnotgoodwithdisabledpeople.Itsnothingpersonal,andIdontthinkImdisablist,becauseIknowtheyveghtstoaneducationandbuspassesandthat;itsjustthattheyturnmystomachabit.Itsallthathavingtopretendtheyrejustlikeyouandmewhentheyrenot,really,arethey?Imnottalkingdisabledlikepeoplewhohaveonlygotoneleg,say.
Theyreallright.Imtalkingabouttheoneswhoarentrightuptop,andshout,andmakefunnyfaces.Howyousaytheyrelikeyouandme?
OK,Ishoutandmakefunnyfaces,butIknowwhenImdoingit.MostofthetimeIdo,anyway.Withthemtheresing,isthere?Theyreallovertheplace.
Tobefairtohim,though,Mattysprettyquiet.HessortofsodisabledthatitsOK,ifyouknowwhatImeasitsthere.Frommypointofvierobablybetter,althoughIseethatfromhis,itsprobablynotmuchgood.Exceptwhoknowswhetherhesgotapointofview?Andifhehasntgotohenitsgottobemits,hasntit?Hesquitetall,andhesinawheelchair,acushionsandwhathaveyoustuffedupbehindhisostophisheadlollingabout.Hedoesntlookatyouoranything,soyoudooofreakedout.Yethesthereafterawhile,soIcopedbetterthanIthoughtIwould.Fughell,though.
PooroldMaureen.Illtellyou,youwouldnthavepersuadedmedownfromthatroof.Noway.
JJwasalreadytherewhenwearrived,soalkedinitwaslikeafamilyreunion,exoonelookedlikeeachother,andeobepleasedtoseeeachother.Maureenmadeusacupoftea,andMartinandJJaskedhersomepolitequestionsaboutMatty.Ijustlookedaroundabit,becauseIdidntwanttolisten.Shereallyhadtidiedup,likeshesaidshewasgoingto.Therewasalmostnothingintheplace,apartfromthetellyandthingstositon.Itwaslikeshedjustmovedin.Infact,Igottheimpressionthatshedmovedthingsoutandtakenthingsdown,becauseyoucouldjustmakeoutmarksonthewall.ButthenMartinwasgoing,Whatdoyouthink,Jess?,soIhadtostoplookingaroundandstartjoiningin.lanstomake.
JJIdidntwanttogotoMaureensplacewithMartinandJessbecauseIimetothink.Iddoneacoupleinterviewswithmusicjournalistsi,buttheywerefansoftheband,sweetguyswhowentawaytotallypsychedifyougavethemademodletthembuyyouadrink.Butthesepeople,peoplelikethekno-the-doorinspirationallady…Man,Ididntknowanythingaboutthem.AllIknewwasthattheydsomehowfoundoutmyaddressiy-fourhours,andiftheycoulddothat,thenwhatcouldnttheydo?ItwasliketheyhadthenamesandaddressesofeverysinglepersonlivinginBritain,justincaseonedayanyofthemdidanythingthatmightbeiing.
Anyway,shemademetotallyparanoid.Ifshewao,shecouldfindoutaboutthebandinfiveminutes.AndtheaholdofEddie,andLizzie,andthenshedfindoutthatIwasntdyingofanything-orifIwas,Idkepttheomyself.Plus,shedfindoutthatthediseaseIwasntdyingofwasent.
Inotherwords,IwasfreakedoutenoughtothinkIwasintrouble.ItookabusuptoMaureens,andonthewayIdecidedIwasgoingtoe,tellthemallabouteverything,andiftheydidntlikeit,fuckem.ButIdidntwantthemreadingaboutitinthepapers.
IttookusawhiletogetusedtothesoundofpoorMattysbreathing,whichwasloudandsoundedasifittookalotofeffort.Wewereallthinkingthesamething,Iguess:wewereallwwhetherwecouldhavecoped,ifwewereMaureen;wewerealltryingtofigureoutwhetheranythingcouldhavepersuadedustoebackdownoffthatroof.
Jess,saidMartin.Youwaomeet.Whydontyoucallustoorder?OK,shesaid,andsheclearedherthroat.Wearegatheredheretoday...
Martinlaughed.
Fughell,shesaid.Iveonlydonehalfasentence.Whatsfunnyaboutthat?Martinshookhishead.
No,eon.IfImsofugfunny,Iwanttoknowwhy.
Itsperhapsbecauseitssomethingmoreusuallysaidinchurch.
Therewasalongpause.
Yeah.Ikhat.ThatwasthevibeIwasafter.
Why?Martinasked.
Maureen,yougotochurch,dontyou?Jesssaid.
Iusedto,saidMaureen.
Yeah,see.IwastryingtomakeMaureenfeelfortable.
Verythoughtfulofyou.
WhydoyouhavetofuckupeverythingIdo?Gosh,saidMartin.Ialmostsmelltheinse.
Right,youstartitoffthen,youfug...
Thatsenough,saidMaureen.Inmyhouse.Infrontofmyson.
MartinandIlookedateachother,screwedupourfaces,heldourbreaths,crosseders,butitwasnouse.Jesswasgoingtopointouttheobviousanyway.
Infrontofyourson?Buthes...
IhaventgotCCR,Isaid.ItwastheonlythingIcouldthinkof.Imean,obviouslyitneededsaying,butIhadinteogivemyselfalittlemorepreparationtime.
Therewasasilence.Iwaswaitingforthemtodumponme.
Oh,JJ!Jesssaid.Thatsfantastic!IttookmeamiorealizethatintheweirdworldofJess,theyhadnotonlyfoundacureforCCRduringtheChristmasholidays,butdeliveredittomyfrontdoorintheAngelsometimebetweenNewYearsEveandJanuarynd.
ImnotsurethatsquitewhatJJissaying,saidMartin.
No,Isaid.Thethingis,Ineverhadit.
No!Bastards.
Who?Thefuck-bloodydoctors.AtMaureenshouse,fuck-bloodybecameJessscurseofchoice.Youshouldsuethem.Supposingyoudjumped?
Andtheydgotitwrong?Motherfucker.Diditreallyhavetobethishard?
Imnotsurehesquitesayingthat,either,saidMartin.
No,Isaid.Illtryandbeasclearaspossible:thereaintnosuchthingasCdeveniftherewas,Imnotdyingofit.Imadeitup,cos…Idontknow.PartlycosIwantedyoursympathy,andpartlybecauseIdidntthinkyouduandwhatwasreallywrongwithme.Imsorry.
Youtosser,saidJess.
Thatsawful,saidMaureen.
Youarsehole,saidJess.
Martinsmiled.Tellingpeopleyouhaveanincurablediseasewhenyoudontisprobablyrightuptherewithsedugafifteen-year-old,sohewasenjoyingmyembarrassment.Plus,hewasmaybeeveledtoalittlemoralsuperiority,becauseheddohedetthingwhehumiliated:hedwalkedtothetopofToppersHouseanddangledhisfeetovertheedge.OK,hedidntgoover,but,youknow,hedshowakingthingsseriously.Me,Idthoughtaboutoffingmyselffirstandthendisgracedmyselfafterwards.IdbeeanevenbiggerassholesinewYearsEve,whichwaskindofdepressing.
Sowhydidyousayit?Jessasked.
Yes,saidMartin.Whatwereyo松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
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