Part 2-7
Annawillbewwhatshappeome.
Weovetoaable,Isaid,butIkwasover,destroyedbyamalevolentforcebeyondmytrol.
Seeyoulater,saidJesscheerily.
AndthatwasthelasttimeIsawKathy.IfIwereher,Idstillberestrugthedialogueinmyhead,writingitdownaingfriendstoactitout,lookingforanykindofcluethatwouldhelpmemakesehatbreakfast.
YouneverknowwithJesswhethershesbeingsharporlucky.Whenyoushootyourmouthoffasfastandasfrequentlyasshedoes,youreboundtohitsomethingsometime.Butforwhateverreason,shewasright:Kathywouldnthavehappehoutmusic.Sheposedtobealittlepick-me-up,myfirstsihebandbrokeup-myfirsteverasanon-practigmusi,becauseIwasalreadyinabandwhenIlostmyvirginity,andIvebeeninabandeversince.Soaftersheleft,Istartedtoworryabouthowthiswasevergoingtowork,andlikewhetherIdbeinsomefugoldfolkshomeinfortyyearstellingsomelittleoldladywithhatREMsmanagerhadwaorepresentmyband.WhenwasIevergoingtobeaperson-someohmaybeajob,andapersonalitythatpeoplecouldrespondto?Itsnofuguse,givingsomethingupiftheresnothingtotakeitsplace.SayIdjustkepttalkingaboutthebookswewerebothreading,andwednevermentionedmusic…Wouldwestillhavegoobed?Icould.Itseemedtomethatwithoutmyoldlife,Ihadnolifeatall.Mymorale-boosterendedupmakingmefeeltotallyfugcrushedanddesperate.
<strong>MAUREEN</strong>
WedidntreallythinkanythingofMartinmissinghisbreakfast,eventhoughbreakfastwasincluded.Iwasgettiheideathatowiceaday,somethingwouldhappenthatIwouldntuand.IdidntuandwhatJesshadbeenuptothenightbefore,andIdidntuandwhytherewasastrangewoman-agirl,really-sittingatourbreakfasttable.AndnowIdidntuandwhereMartinhadgonotuandingdidomatterverymuetimes,whenyouwatchacopsandrobbersfilmoelevision,youdontuandthebeginning,butyouknowyoureo.Youwatyway,though,becauseintheendsomeonewillexplaihethingstoyouifyoupaycloseattention.IwastryingtothinkoflifewithJessandJJandMartinasacopsandrobbersfilm;ifIdideverything,Itoldmyselfnottopanic.Idwaituntilsomeonegavemeaclue.Andanyway,Iwasbeginningtoseethatitdidntreallymatterevenifyouuoodalmostnothing.Ihadntreallyuoodwhywehadtosaywedseenanangel,orhowthatgotusontothetelevision.Butthatwasallfottenaboutnoarently,sowhymakeafuss?Imustadmit,Iwasworriedaboutwhereeveryonewasgoingtositatbreakfast,butthatwasntbecauseIwasfused.IjustdidntwantMartintothinkusrude.
AfterbreakfastItriedtotelephohecarehome,butIcouldntmanageonmyown.IntheendIhadtoaskJJtodoitforme,andheexplaihattherewerelotsofextraodial,andsomeyouhadtoleaveout,andIdontknowwhatelse.Iwasntbeingcheeky,usielephone,becausetheotherstoldmeIcouldcallonceadaywhatevertheexpeherwise,theysaid,Iwouldntrelaxproperly.
Aelephonecall…Well,itgedeverything.Justthosetwoorthreeminutes.Morehappeomeinmyheaddurielephonecallthanduringallthattimeupontheroof.Anditwasntasiftherewasanybadnews,oraall.Mattywasfine.Howcouldhenotbe?Heneededcare,andhewasgettingcare,andtherewasntmuchelsetheycouldtellme,wasthere?Itriedtomaketheversationlastlonger,and,fairplaytohim,theriedtohelpmemakeitlastlodlovehim.
Butherofuscouldthinkofanythingtosay.Mattydoesntdoanythinginthecourseofaday,andhehadntdohingonthatparticularday.
Hedbeenoutinhiswheelchair,aalkedaboutthat,butmostlyweweretalkingabouttheweather,andthegarden.
AndIthankedhimandputthephonedownandthoughtforamoment,andtriednottofeelsorryformyself.Loveandaofit,thethingsthatonlyamotherprovide…ForthefirsttimeinhislifeIcouldfinallyseethatthosethingswereohimanyway.Thepointofmewasexactlythesameasthepointofthepeopleinthecarehome.Irobablystillbetteratitthantheywere,becauseofthepracticeIdhad.ButIcouldhavetaughtthemalltheydoknoleofweeks.
WhatthatmeantwasthatwhenIdied,Mattywouldbefine.AndwhatthatmeantwasthethingIdbeenmostafraidof,eversincehewasborn,wasntfrighteningintheleast.AndIdidntknowwhetherIwaokillmyselfmoreorless,knowingthat.Ididntknowwhethermywholelifehadbeenawasteoftimeornot.
Iwentdownstairs,andIsawJessinthelobby.
Martinscheckedoutofthehotel,shesaid.
AndIsmiledatherpolitely,butIdidntstop,awalking.IdidntcarethatMartinhadcheckedoutofthehotel.IfIhadntmadethetelephonecallIwouldhavecared,becausehewasinchargeofourmoney.
Butifhedgoneoffwiththemowouldntmattermuch,wouldit?Idstaythere,ornot,a,ornot,andIddrink,ornot,andgohome,ornot,andwhatIdidordidntdowouldntmattertoaall.AndIwalkedformostoftheday.Dopeoplegetsadonholidaysometimes?Iimagiheydo,havingallthattimetothink.
Fortherestoftheweek,Itriedtokeepoutofeverybodysway.Martinwasgoneanyway,andJJdidomind.Jessdidntlikeitmudowiceshetriedtomakemeeatwithher,orsitonthebeachwithher.ButIjustsmiledandsaid,Nothankyou.Ididntsay,Butyourealwayssorudetome!Whydoyouwanttotalktomenow?
Iborrowedabookfromthelittlebookcaseiion,asillyohabrightpinkcovercalledPawsforBethaboutasinglegirlwhosecatturnsintoahandsomeyoungfella.Andtheyoungfellawantstomarryher,butshesnotsurebecausehesacat,soshetakesawhiletodecide.AndsometimesIreadthat,andsometimesIslept.Ivealwaysbeenfineonmyown.
AndthedaybeforeweflewhomeIwenttoMass,forthefirsttimeinamonthorso.Therewasalovelyoldchurthetown-muicerthanoursathome,whichismodernandsquare.(IveoftenwonderedwhetherGodwouldevenhavefoundours,butIsupposeHemusthavedonebynow.)ItwaseasierthanIthoughtitwouldbetowalkinandsitdown,butthatsmostlybecauseIdidntknowanybodythere.Butafterthateverythingseemedalittleharder,becausethepeopleseemedsn,andIdidntknowwherewewereveryoftenbecauseofthelanguage.
Igotusedtoit,though.Itwaslikewalkingintoadarkroom-anditwasdarkinthere,muchdarkerthanours.Afteralittlewhile,Istartedtobeabletoseethings,andwhatIcouldseewerepeoplefromhome.Nottheactualpeople,ofcourse,buttheTenerifeversions.TherewasawomanlikeBridgid,whokneweveryonealookingdownthepewsandsmilingandnodding.Andtherewasafellawhowasalittleunsteadyonhisfeet,evenatthattimeofday,andthatat.
AndthenIsawme.Shewasmyage,onherown,andshehadagrown-upsoninawheelchairwhodidntknowwhatdayitwas,andforalittlewhileIstaredatthem,andthewomancaughtmestaringandsheobviouslythoughtIwasbeingrude.Butitseemedse,suchatilIthoughtaboutit.AndwhatIthoughtwas,youcouldprobablygointoanychurywhereintheworldandseeamiddle-agedwoman,nohusbandinsight,pushingayoungladinawheelchair.Itwasohereasonschurcheswereied,probably.
MARTINIhaveneverbeenaparticularlyintrospectiveman,andIsaythisunapologetically.Onecouldarguethatmostofthetroubleintheworldiscausedbyintrospenotthinkingofthingslikewar,famine,diseaseorviolentcrime-notthatsortoftrouble.Imthinkingmoreofthingslikeannoyingneerns,tearfulchat-showguestsandsoon.Iowsee,however,thatitshardtopreventintrospewhenonehasnothingtodobutsitaroundandthinkaboutoneself.Youcouldtrythinkingaboutotherpeople,Isuppose,buttheotherpeopleItriedtothinkaboutteobepeopleIknew,andthinkingaboutpeopleIknewjustbroughtmerightbacktowhereIdidntwanttobe.
Soinsomewaysitwasamistake,chegoutofthehotelandgoingoffonmyown,becauseeventhoughJessirritatedthehelloutofme,andMaureendepressedme,theyoccupiedapartofmethatshouldneverbeleftuedandunfurwasntjustthat,either:theyalsomademefeelrelativelyaplished.Iddohings,andbecauseIddohings,thereossibilitythatImightdootherthings.Theyddohingatall,anditwasnotdifficulttoimagitheywouldtiodonothingatall,andtheymademelookandfeellikeaworldleaderwhorunsamultinationalpanyintheeveningsandascouttroopatweekends.
ImovedintoaroomthatwasmoreorlessidenticaltotheoneIdbeenstayingin,exceptItreatedmyselftoaseaviewandabaly.AndIsatonthebalyfortwosoliddays,staringattheseaviewandbeingintrospective.ItsaythatIarticularlyiiveinmyintrospe;theclusionsIdrewonthefirstdaywerethatIdmadeapigsearofjustabouteverything,andthatIdbebetteroffdead,andifIdiednoonewouldmissmeorfeelbadaboutmydeath.AndthenIgotdrunk.
Theseddaywasonlyveryslightlymorestructive;havingreachedtheclusionthepreviouseveningthatnoonewouldmissmeifIdied,Irealizedbelatedlythatmostofmywoesweresomeoneelsesfault:Iwasestrangedfrommychildrenbecauseofdy,anddywasalsoresponsiblefortheendofmymarriage.Imadeoake!OK,akes.akesoutofsayahundredopportunities!IgotpertandIstillfailedthetest!Irisoneda)duetoentrapment,andb)becausesocietysattitudestoteenagesexualityareoutmoded.Ilostmyjobbecauseofthehypocrisyanddisloyaltyofmybosses.Soattheendofthesedday,Iwaokillotherpeople,ratherthankillmyself,andthatsgottobehealthier,surely?
Jessfouhethirdday.Iwassittinginacafereadingatwo-day-oldDailyExpressanddrinkingcafeleche,adownoppositeme.
Anythingaboutusinthere?shesaid.
Iexpectso,Isaid.ButIveohesportandthehoroscopessofar.Haventlookedatthefrontpageyet.
Fun-nee.Isitwithyou?No.
Shesatdownanyway.
Whatsallthisabout,then?Allwhat?This…bigsulk.
YouthinkImsulking?Whatwouldyoucallit,then?Imsicktodeathofyou.
Whathavewedoyouplural.Yousingular.Toi,notvous.
Becauseoftheht?Yes,becauseoftheht.
Youjustdidntlikemesayingyouweremydad,didyou?Youreoldenoughtobe.
Imawareofthat.
Yeah.Sogetoverit.Takeachillpill.
Imoverit.Ivetakenone.
Lookslikeit.
Jess,Imnotsulking.YouthinkImovedoutofahotelbecauseyousaidIwasyourfather?Iwould.
Becauseyouhatehim?Orbecauseyoudbeashamedofyhter?Both.
ThisispenswithJess.Whehinksyourewithdrawing,shepretendstobethoughtful(andbythoughtful,Imeanself-loathing,whieistheonlypossibleouteofanyprolohoughtonherpart).IdecidedIwasntgoingtobetakenin.
Imnotgoingtobetakenilost.
WhathaveIdonenow?Fughell.
Yourepretendingtobearemorsefulhumanbeing.
Whatdoes"remorseful"mean?Itmeansyouresorry.
Forwhat?Goaway.
Forwhat?Jess,Iwantaholiday.Mostofall,Iwantaholidayfromyou.
Soyouwaogetpissedupandtakedrugs.
Yes.Iwantthatverymuch.
Yeah,right.AndifIdoIllgetabollog.
Nope.Nobollog.Justgoaway.
Imbored.
SogoandfindJJorMaureen.
Theyreb.
AndImnot?Whichcelebritieshaveyoumet?HaveyoumetEminem?No.
Youhave,butyouwonttellme.
Oh,forChristssake.
Ileftsomemohetable,gotupandwalkedout.Jessfollowedmedowreet.Whataboutagameofpool?No.
Sex?No.
Youdontfancyme?No,Somemendo.
Havesexwiththem,then.Jess,Imsorrytosayit,butIthinkourrelationshipisover.
NotifIjustfollowyouaroundalldayitisnt.
Andyouthinkthatwouldworkinthelongterm?Idontcareaboutthelongterm.Whataboutwhatmydadsaidaboutlookingoutforme?AndIdhavethoughtyoudwantto.Icouldreplacethedaughtersyouvelost.Andthatwayyoucouldfindinnerpeace,see?Thereareloadsoffilmslikethat.
Sheofferedthislastobservationmatter-of-factly,asifitweresomehowindicativeofthetruthofthesarioshedimagined,ratherthantheopposite.
Whataboutthesexyouwere?HowwouldthatfitinwithyoureplagthedaughtersIvelost?Thiswouldbeadifferent,youknow,thing.Route.Adifferentwaytogo.
WepassedaghastlylookingbarcalledNewYorkCity.
ThatswhereIgotthrownoutfhting,saidJessproudly.TheyllkillmeifItrytogoinagain.
Asiftoillustratethepoint,agrizzled-lookingownerwasstandinginthedoorwaywithamurderouslookonhisface.
Ineedapee.Dontgoanywhere.
IwalkedintoNewYorkCity,foundalavatorysomewhereintheLowerEastSide,puttheTVpagesoftheExpressovertheseat,satdownandboltedthedoor.ForthehourortwoIcouldhearheryellingatmethroughthewall,buteventuallytheyellingstopped;IpresumedshedgoIstayedinthereanyway,justiwaseleveninthemwhenIboltedthedoor,andthreeiernoonwhenIcameout.Ididthetime.Itwasthatsortofholiday.
JJThelastbandIwasinbrokeupafterashowattheHopeandAnchorinIslington,justafewblocksfromwheremyapartmentisnow.Wekneerebreakingupbeforewewentonstage,butwehadnttalkedaboutit.
WedplayedinMaerthenightbefore,toaverysmallcrowd,andonthewaydowntoLondonwedallbeenalittlesnappy,butmostlyjustmoroseandquiet.Itfeltexactlythesameaswhenyoubreakupwithawomanyoulove-thesickfeelingiomach,thekhatnothingyousaywillmakeanyfugdifference-or,ifitdoes,itwontmakeanydifferenceforanylohanlikefivemisweirderwithaband,becauseyoukindofknowthatyouwontlosetouchwiththepeoplethewayyoulosetouchwithagirlfriend.Icouldhavesatinabarwithallthreeofthemthenightwithuing,butthebandwouldstillhaveceasedtoexist.Itwasmorethanthefourofus;itwasahouse,andwewerethepeopleinit,andwedsoldit,soitwasntoursanymore.Imtalkiaphoricallyhere,obviously,becausenoonewouldhavegivenusafugdimeforit.
Anyway,aftertheshowattheHopeandAnchor-andtheshowhadanunhappyiytoit,likeadesperatebreak-upfuck-wewalkedintothisshittylittledressingroom,andsatdowninaline,andthenEddiesaid,Thatfeelslikeit.Ahisthingthatwassounlikehim,sonotjustlikeEddie:hereachedouteitherside,andtookmyhandandJesseshand,andsqueezed.AookBillyshand,justsothatwedallbejoinedforotime,andBillysaid,Fuckyou,queerboy,andstooduprealquick,whidoftellsyouallyouoknowaboutdrummers.
Ihadonlyknownmyholidaypanionsforafewweeks,buttherewasthesamekindofsickfeelingonthewayfromthehoteltotheairport.
Therewasabreak-uping,youcouldsmellit,andnoonewassayinganything.Anditwasforthesamereason,whichwasthatwedtakenthingsasfaraswecould,andtherewasnowhereforustogo.Thatswhyeveryonebreaksup,Iguess,bands,friends,marriages,whatever.Parties,weddings,anything.
Itsfunny,butwhenthebandsplit,ohereasosickwasbecauseIwasworriedabouttheuys.Whatthefuckweretheygoingtodo,youknow?Noneofuswereover-qualified.Billywasntrealbigonreadingandwriting,ifyouhearwhatImsaying,andEddiewastoo,like,pugilistictoholddownaj,andJesselikedhisspliff…TheonepersonIhadnorealsaboutwasme.IwasgoingtobeOK.Iwassmart,andstable,andIhadagirlfriehoughIknewIdmissmakingmusiceveryfugdayofmylife,Icouldstillbesomethingandsomeohoutit.Sopens?Afewweekslater,BillyandJessegetagigwithabandbaewhoserhythmsehadwalkedoutonthem,Eddiegoestoworkforhisdad,andImdeliveringpizzasandnearlyjumpingoffafugroof.
Sothistimearound,Iwasdetermitofretaboutmyfellowbandmembers.TheydbeOK,Itoldmyself.Itdidntlookthatway,maybe,buttheydsurvivedsofar,justabout,anditwasntmyproblemanyway.
Iaxitotheairportwetalkedsomeaboutwhatweddone,andwhatwedread,andthefirstthingweweregoingtodowhehome,andshitlikethat,andontheplanewealldozed,becauseitwasanearlyflight.AndthehetubefromHeathrowtoKingsCross,andtookabusfromthere.Itwasohatwestartedtmaybewewouldntbehangingoutsomuch.
Whynot?saidJess.
Becausewehavenothinginon,saidMartin.Theholidayprovedthat.
IthoughtitwentOK.
Martinsnorted.Wedidoeachother.
Youwerehidinginatoiletmostofthetime,saidJess.
Andwhywasthat,doyouthink?Becauseweresoulmates?Orbecauseoursisnotoneofmymostfulfilliionships?Yeah,andwhatisyourmostfulfilliionship?Whatsyours?Jessthoughtforamoment,andthenshrugged.
Withyoulot,shesaid.
TherewasasilewaslongenoughforustoseethetruthofJesssobservationasitappliedtoher.Andluckilyforus,Martinspokeupjustaswewerestartingtoseehowitmightpossiblyapplytoustoo.
Yes.Well.Itshouldntbe,shouldntit?Areyougivihepush?Ifyouwanttoputitlikethat.Jess,weghtheholiday.Andnowitstimetogoourseparateways.
WhataboutValentinesDay?WemeetoinesDay,ifyouwant.Wesaidweddothat.
Upontheroof?Doyoustillthinkyoumightthrowyourselfoff?Idunno.Itgesdaybyday.
Idliketomeetup,saidMaureen.
IsupposeValentinesmustbeaprettyimportantdayforyou,Maureen,saidJess.Shesaiditasifsheweremakingversation,butMaureenreizedthedisguisednastinessanddidntbothertorespond.JustabouteverythingJesssaidcouldbebouncedrightbackather,butnoneofushadtheenergyanymore.Welookedoutthewindowatthetraffitherain,andatAngelIsaidgoodbyeandgotoff.AsIwatchedthebusdriveaway,IcouldseeMaureeheothers,evenJess,herpacketofPolomints,aureseemedkindofheartbreaking.
FortheweekIdidnothing,prettymuch.Ireadalot,andwanderedaroundIslingtoherewasanysignofabadjobforme.OnenightIblewtenpoundsonaticketforabandcalledFatce,whowereplayingintheUnionChapel.Theystarteduparoundthesametimeasus,andnowtheyhadadetdeal,andtherewasabuzzaboutthem,buttheywerelame,inmyopiniooodthereandplayedtheirsongs,andpeopleclapped,andtherewasanencore,andthe,andIwouldntsayanyofuswasricherfortheexperience.
Iwasreizedonthewayout,byaguywhomusthavebeeninhisforties.
Allright,JJ?hesaid.DoIknowyou?IsawyouattheHopeandAnchorlastyear.Iheardthebandhadsplit.
Youlivinghere?Yeah,fornow.
Whatyoudoing?Yougonesolo?Yeah,thatsright.
etateightintheeveningoinesDay,andeveryonewasontime.Jesswaomeetlater,likeatmidnightorsomething,forfulltragiceffect,butnoohoughtitwassuchagoodidea,andMaureendidntwanttotravelhomesolate.Iranihestairsonthe,andtoldherIwasgladtohearshewasthinkingabouttravellinghomeafterwards.
WhereelsewouldIgo?No,Ijustmeant…Lasttimeyonnagohome,youknow?
Not,like,onthebus,anyway.
Onthebus?Lasttime,yoingtogetofftheroofthequickway.Iwalkedmyfihroughtheairandthenpluhemdownwards,asiftheywerejumpingofftheroof.Buttonight,itsoundsasthoughyoullbetakingthelongwaydown.
Oh.Yes.Well.Iveeonabit,shesaid.Inmyhead,Imean.
Thatsgreat.
Imstillfeelingthebeoftheholiday,Ithink.
Righton.
Andthenshedidntwanttotalkanymore,becauseitwasalong,andshewasshortofbreath.
MartinandJessarrivedacoupleofmier,andwesaidhello,andthenweallstoodthere.
Whatwasthepointofthis,actually?saidMartin.
Weweregoingtomeetupandseehoereallfeelingandallthat,saidJess.
Ah.Weshuffledourfeet.Andhowareweallfeeling?Maureensdoinggood,Isaid.Arentyou,Maureen?Iam.IwassayingtoJJ,IthinkImstillfeelingthebeoftheholiday.
Whichholiday?Theholidaywejusthad?Helookedatherandthenshookhishead,withamixtureofamazementandadmiration.
Howaboutyou,Mart?Isaid.Howyoudoing?ButIcouldkindoftellwhattheahatquestionwasgoingtobe.
Oh,youknow.eeca,Tosser,saidJess.
Weshuffledourfeetsomemore.
IreadsomethingIthoughtmightiyouall,Martinsaid.
Yeah?Iwasw…Maybeitwouldbegoodtotalkaboutit
Soundsgoodtome,Isaid.Imean,maybeweshouldcelebrateanyway,youknow?Celebrate?saidMartin,likeIwasnuts.
Yeah.Imean,werealive,and,and…Thelistkindofranoutafterthat.Butbeingaliveseemedworththepriceofaroundofdrinks.Beingaliveseemedworthcelebrating.Unless,ofcourse,itwasntwhatyouwanted,inwhichcase…Oh,fuckit.Iwantedadrinkanyway.Ifwecouldntthinkofanythingelse,theingadrinkwasworthcelebrating.Anordinaryhumandesirehademergedthroughthefogofdepressionandindecision.
Maureen?Yes,Idontmind.
Itdoesntlooktomelikeanyonesgoingtojump,Isaid.Nottonight.
Isthatright?Jess?Shewasntlistening.
Fuckme,shesaid.JesusChrist.
Shewasstaringattheeroftheroof,thespotwhereMartinhadshewireonNewYearsEve.Therewasaguysittingthere,exactlywhereMartinhadsat,andhewaswatgus.Hewasmaybeafewyearsolderthanme,andhelookedrealfrightened.
Hey,man,Isaidquietly.Hey.Juststaythere.
Istartedtowalkslowlyovertohim.
Pleasedonteanycloser,hesaid.Heanieartears,draggingfuriouslyonasmoke.
Weveallbeenthere,Isaid.eonbackoverandyoujoin.Thisisourreunion.Itriedanothercoupleofsteps.Hedidntsayanything.
Yeah,saidJess.Lookatus.WereOK.Youthinkyourenevergoingtogetthroughtheevening,butyoudo.
Idontwantto,saidtheguy.
Telluswhattheproblemis,Isaid.Iwalkedalittlecloser.Imean,wereallfugexpertsinthefield.Maureenhere...
ButIanyfurther.Heflippedthecigaretteovertheedge,ahalittlemoanhepushedhimselfoff.Andtherewassilendthentherewasthenoiseofhisbodyhittingthecreteallthosefloorsbelow.Andthosetwohemoanahud,IveheardeverysingledaysindIstilldontknowwhichisscarier.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
Weovetoaable,Isaid,butIkwasover,destroyedbyamalevolentforcebeyondmytrol.
Seeyoulater,saidJesscheerily.
AndthatwasthelasttimeIsawKathy.IfIwereher,Idstillberestrugthedialogueinmyhead,writingitdownaingfriendstoactitout,lookingforanykindofcluethatwouldhelpmemakesehatbreakfast.
YouneverknowwithJesswhethershesbeingsharporlucky.Whenyoushootyourmouthoffasfastandasfrequentlyasshedoes,youreboundtohitsomethingsometime.Butforwhateverreason,shewasright:Kathywouldnthavehappehoutmusic.Sheposedtobealittlepick-me-up,myfirstsihebandbrokeup-myfirsteverasanon-practigmusi,becauseIwasalreadyinabandwhenIlostmyvirginity,andIvebeeninabandeversince.Soaftersheleft,Istartedtoworryabouthowthiswasevergoingtowork,andlikewhetherIdbeinsomefugoldfolkshomeinfortyyearstellingsomelittleoldladywithhatREMsmanagerhadwaorepresentmyband.WhenwasIevergoingtobeaperson-someohmaybeajob,andapersonalitythatpeoplecouldrespondto?Itsnofuguse,givingsomethingupiftheresnothingtotakeitsplace.SayIdjustkepttalkingaboutthebookswewerebothreading,andwednevermentionedmusic…Wouldwestillhavegoobed?Icould.Itseemedtomethatwithoutmyoldlife,Ihadnolifeatall.Mymorale-boosterendedupmakingmefeeltotallyfugcrushedanddesperate.
<strong>MAUREEN</strong>
WedidntreallythinkanythingofMartinmissinghisbreakfast,eventhoughbreakfastwasincluded.Iwasgettiheideathatowiceaday,somethingwouldhappenthatIwouldntuand.IdidntuandwhatJesshadbeenuptothenightbefore,andIdidntuandwhytherewasastrangewoman-agirl,really-sittingatourbreakfasttable.AndnowIdidntuandwhereMartinhadgonotuandingdidomatterverymuetimes,whenyouwatchacopsandrobbersfilmoelevision,youdontuandthebeginning,butyouknowyoureo.Youwatyway,though,becauseintheendsomeonewillexplaihethingstoyouifyoupaycloseattention.IwastryingtothinkoflifewithJessandJJandMartinasacopsandrobbersfilm;ifIdideverything,Itoldmyselfnottopanic.Idwaituntilsomeonegavemeaclue.Andanyway,Iwasbeginningtoseethatitdidntreallymatterevenifyouuoodalmostnothing.Ihadntreallyuoodwhywehadtosaywedseenanangel,orhowthatgotusontothetelevision.Butthatwasallfottenaboutnoarently,sowhymakeafuss?Imustadmit,Iwasworriedaboutwhereeveryonewasgoingtositatbreakfast,butthatwasntbecauseIwasfused.IjustdidntwantMartintothinkusrude.
AfterbreakfastItriedtotelephohecarehome,butIcouldntmanageonmyown.IntheendIhadtoaskJJtodoitforme,andheexplaihattherewerelotsofextraodial,andsomeyouhadtoleaveout,andIdontknowwhatelse.Iwasntbeingcheeky,usielephone,becausetheotherstoldmeIcouldcallonceadaywhatevertheexpeherwise,theysaid,Iwouldntrelaxproperly.
Aelephonecall…Well,itgedeverything.Justthosetwoorthreeminutes.Morehappeomeinmyheaddurielephonecallthanduringallthattimeupontheroof.Anditwasntasiftherewasanybadnews,oraall.Mattywasfine.Howcouldhenotbe?Heneededcare,andhewasgettingcare,andtherewasntmuchelsetheycouldtellme,wasthere?Itriedtomaketheversationlastlonger,and,fairplaytohim,theriedtohelpmemakeitlastlodlovehim.
Butherofuscouldthinkofanythingtosay.Mattydoesntdoanythinginthecourseofaday,andhehadntdohingonthatparticularday.
Hedbeenoutinhiswheelchair,aalkedaboutthat,butmostlyweweretalkingabouttheweather,andthegarden.
AndIthankedhimandputthephonedownandthoughtforamoment,andtriednottofeelsorryformyself.Loveandaofit,thethingsthatonlyamotherprovide…ForthefirsttimeinhislifeIcouldfinallyseethatthosethingswereohimanyway.Thepointofmewasexactlythesameasthepointofthepeopleinthecarehome.Irobablystillbetteratitthantheywere,becauseofthepracticeIdhad.ButIcouldhavetaughtthemalltheydoknoleofweeks.
WhatthatmeantwasthatwhenIdied,Mattywouldbefine.AndwhatthatmeantwasthethingIdbeenmostafraidof,eversincehewasborn,wasntfrighteningintheleast.AndIdidntknowwhetherIwaokillmyselfmoreorless,knowingthat.Ididntknowwhethermywholelifehadbeenawasteoftimeornot.
Iwentdownstairs,andIsawJessinthelobby.
Martinscheckedoutofthehotel,shesaid.
AndIsmiledatherpolitely,butIdidntstop,awalking.IdidntcarethatMartinhadcheckedoutofthehotel.IfIhadntmadethetelephonecallIwouldhavecared,becausehewasinchargeofourmoney.
Butifhedgoneoffwiththemowouldntmattermuch,wouldit?Idstaythere,ornot,a,ornot,andIddrink,ornot,andgohome,ornot,andwhatIdidordidntdowouldntmattertoaall.AndIwalkedformostoftheday.Dopeoplegetsadonholidaysometimes?Iimagiheydo,havingallthattimetothink.
Fortherestoftheweek,Itriedtokeepoutofeverybodysway.Martinwasgoneanyway,andJJdidomind.Jessdidntlikeitmudowiceshetriedtomakemeeatwithher,orsitonthebeachwithher.ButIjustsmiledandsaid,Nothankyou.Ididntsay,Butyourealwayssorudetome!Whydoyouwanttotalktomenow?
Iborrowedabookfromthelittlebookcaseiion,asillyohabrightpinkcovercalledPawsforBethaboutasinglegirlwhosecatturnsintoahandsomeyoungfella.Andtheyoungfellawantstomarryher,butshesnotsurebecausehesacat,soshetakesawhiletodecide.AndsometimesIreadthat,andsometimesIslept.Ivealwaysbeenfineonmyown.
AndthedaybeforeweflewhomeIwenttoMass,forthefirsttimeinamonthorso.Therewasalovelyoldchurthetown-muicerthanoursathome,whichismodernandsquare.(IveoftenwonderedwhetherGodwouldevenhavefoundours,butIsupposeHemusthavedonebynow.)ItwaseasierthanIthoughtitwouldbetowalkinandsitdown,butthatsmostlybecauseIdidntknowanybodythere.Butafterthateverythingseemedalittleharder,becausethepeopleseemedsn,andIdidntknowwherewewereveryoftenbecauseofthelanguage.
Igotusedtoit,though.Itwaslikewalkingintoadarkroom-anditwasdarkinthere,muchdarkerthanours.Afteralittlewhile,Istartedtobeabletoseethings,andwhatIcouldseewerepeoplefromhome.Nottheactualpeople,ofcourse,buttheTenerifeversions.TherewasawomanlikeBridgid,whokneweveryonealookingdownthepewsandsmilingandnodding.Andtherewasafellawhowasalittleunsteadyonhisfeet,evenatthattimeofday,andthatat.
AndthenIsawme.Shewasmyage,onherown,andshehadagrown-upsoninawheelchairwhodidntknowwhatdayitwas,andforalittlewhileIstaredatthem,andthewomancaughtmestaringandsheobviouslythoughtIwasbeingrude.Butitseemedse,suchatilIthoughtaboutit.AndwhatIthoughtwas,youcouldprobablygointoanychurywhereintheworldandseeamiddle-agedwoman,nohusbandinsight,pushingayoungladinawheelchair.Itwasohereasonschurcheswereied,probably.
MARTINIhaveneverbeenaparticularlyintrospectiveman,andIsaythisunapologetically.Onecouldarguethatmostofthetroubleintheworldiscausedbyintrospenotthinkingofthingslikewar,famine,diseaseorviolentcrime-notthatsortoftrouble.Imthinkingmoreofthingslikeannoyingneerns,tearfulchat-showguestsandsoon.Iowsee,however,thatitshardtopreventintrospewhenonehasnothingtodobutsitaroundandthinkaboutoneself.Youcouldtrythinkingaboutotherpeople,Isuppose,buttheotherpeopleItriedtothinkaboutteobepeopleIknew,andthinkingaboutpeopleIknewjustbroughtmerightbacktowhereIdidntwanttobe.
Soinsomewaysitwasamistake,chegoutofthehotelandgoingoffonmyown,becauseeventhoughJessirritatedthehelloutofme,andMaureendepressedme,theyoccupiedapartofmethatshouldneverbeleftuedandunfurwasntjustthat,either:theyalsomademefeelrelativelyaplished.Iddohings,andbecauseIddohings,thereossibilitythatImightdootherthings.Theyddohingatall,anditwasnotdifficulttoimagitheywouldtiodonothingatall,andtheymademelookandfeellikeaworldleaderwhorunsamultinationalpanyintheeveningsandascouttroopatweekends.
ImovedintoaroomthatwasmoreorlessidenticaltotheoneIdbeenstayingin,exceptItreatedmyselftoaseaviewandabaly.AndIsatonthebalyfortwosoliddays,staringattheseaviewandbeingintrospective.ItsaythatIarticularlyiiveinmyintrospe;theclusionsIdrewonthefirstdaywerethatIdmadeapigsearofjustabouteverything,andthatIdbebetteroffdead,andifIdiednoonewouldmissmeorfeelbadaboutmydeath.AndthenIgotdrunk.
Theseddaywasonlyveryslightlymorestructive;havingreachedtheclusionthepreviouseveningthatnoonewouldmissmeifIdied,Irealizedbelatedlythatmostofmywoesweresomeoneelsesfault:Iwasestrangedfrommychildrenbecauseofdy,anddywasalsoresponsiblefortheendofmymarriage.Imadeoake!OK,akes.akesoutofsayahundredopportunities!IgotpertandIstillfailedthetest!Irisoneda)duetoentrapment,andb)becausesocietysattitudestoteenagesexualityareoutmoded.Ilostmyjobbecauseofthehypocrisyanddisloyaltyofmybosses.Soattheendofthesedday,Iwaokillotherpeople,ratherthankillmyself,andthatsgottobehealthier,surely?
Jessfouhethirdday.Iwassittinginacafereadingatwo-day-oldDailyExpressanddrinkingcafeleche,adownoppositeme.
Anythingaboutusinthere?shesaid.
Iexpectso,Isaid.ButIveohesportandthehoroscopessofar.Haventlookedatthefrontpageyet.
Fun-nee.Isitwithyou?No.
Shesatdownanyway.
Whatsallthisabout,then?Allwhat?This…bigsulk.
YouthinkImsulking?Whatwouldyoucallit,then?Imsicktodeathofyou.
Whathavewedoyouplural.Yousingular.Toi,notvous.
Becauseoftheht?Yes,becauseoftheht.
Youjustdidntlikemesayingyouweremydad,didyou?Youreoldenoughtobe.
Imawareofthat.
Yeah.Sogetoverit.Takeachillpill.
Imoverit.Ivetakenone.
Lookslikeit.
Jess,Imnotsulking.YouthinkImovedoutofahotelbecauseyousaidIwasyourfather?Iwould.
Becauseyouhatehim?Orbecauseyoudbeashamedofyhter?Both.
ThisispenswithJess.Whehinksyourewithdrawing,shepretendstobethoughtful(andbythoughtful,Imeanself-loathing,whieistheonlypossibleouteofanyprolohoughtonherpart).IdecidedIwasntgoingtobetakenin.
Imnotgoingtobetakenilost.
WhathaveIdonenow?Fughell.
Yourepretendingtobearemorsefulhumanbeing.
Whatdoes"remorseful"mean?Itmeansyouresorry.
Forwhat?Goaway.
Forwhat?Jess,Iwantaholiday.Mostofall,Iwantaholidayfromyou.
Soyouwaogetpissedupandtakedrugs.
Yes.Iwantthatverymuch.
Yeah,right.AndifIdoIllgetabollog.
Nope.Nobollog.Justgoaway.
Imbored.
SogoandfindJJorMaureen.
Theyreb.
AndImnot?Whichcelebritieshaveyoumet?HaveyoumetEminem?No.
Youhave,butyouwonttellme.
Oh,forChristssake.
Ileftsomemohetable,gotupandwalkedout.Jessfollowedmedowreet.Whataboutagameofpool?No.
Sex?No.
Youdontfancyme?No,Somemendo.
Havesexwiththem,then.Jess,Imsorrytosayit,butIthinkourrelationshipisover.
NotifIjustfollowyouaroundalldayitisnt.
Andyouthinkthatwouldworkinthelongterm?Idontcareaboutthelongterm.Whataboutwhatmydadsaidaboutlookingoutforme?AndIdhavethoughtyoudwantto.Icouldreplacethedaughtersyouvelost.Andthatwayyoucouldfindinnerpeace,see?Thereareloadsoffilmslikethat.
Sheofferedthislastobservationmatter-of-factly,asifitweresomehowindicativeofthetruthofthesarioshedimagined,ratherthantheopposite.
Whataboutthesexyouwere?HowwouldthatfitinwithyoureplagthedaughtersIvelost?Thiswouldbeadifferent,youknow,thing.Route.Adifferentwaytogo.
WepassedaghastlylookingbarcalledNewYorkCity.
ThatswhereIgotthrownoutfhting,saidJessproudly.TheyllkillmeifItrytogoinagain.
Asiftoillustratethepoint,agrizzled-lookingownerwasstandinginthedoorwaywithamurderouslookonhisface.
Ineedapee.Dontgoanywhere.
IwalkedintoNewYorkCity,foundalavatorysomewhereintheLowerEastSide,puttheTVpagesoftheExpressovertheseat,satdownandboltedthedoor.ForthehourortwoIcouldhearheryellingatmethroughthewall,buteventuallytheyellingstopped;IpresumedshedgoIstayedinthereanyway,justiwaseleveninthemwhenIboltedthedoor,andthreeiernoonwhenIcameout.Ididthetime.Itwasthatsortofholiday.
JJThelastbandIwasinbrokeupafterashowattheHopeandAnchorinIslington,justafewblocksfromwheremyapartmentisnow.Wekneerebreakingupbeforewewentonstage,butwehadnttalkedaboutit.
WedplayedinMaerthenightbefore,toaverysmallcrowd,andonthewaydowntoLondonwedallbeenalittlesnappy,butmostlyjustmoroseandquiet.Itfeltexactlythesameaswhenyoubreakupwithawomanyoulove-thesickfeelingiomach,thekhatnothingyousaywillmakeanyfugdifference-or,ifitdoes,itwontmakeanydifferenceforanylohanlikefivemisweirderwithaband,becauseyoukindofknowthatyouwontlosetouchwiththepeoplethewayyoulosetouchwithagirlfriend.Icouldhavesatinabarwithallthreeofthemthenightwithuing,butthebandwouldstillhaveceasedtoexist.Itwasmorethanthefourofus;itwasahouse,andwewerethepeopleinit,andwedsoldit,soitwasntoursanymore.Imtalkiaphoricallyhere,obviously,becausenoonewouldhavegivenusafugdimeforit.
Anyway,aftertheshowattheHopeandAnchor-andtheshowhadanunhappyiytoit,likeadesperatebreak-upfuck-wewalkedintothisshittylittledressingroom,andsatdowninaline,andthenEddiesaid,Thatfeelslikeit.Ahisthingthatwassounlikehim,sonotjustlikeEddie:hereachedouteitherside,andtookmyhandandJesseshand,andsqueezed.AookBillyshand,justsothatwedallbejoinedforotime,andBillysaid,Fuckyou,queerboy,andstooduprealquick,whidoftellsyouallyouoknowaboutdrummers.
Ihadonlyknownmyholidaypanionsforafewweeks,buttherewasthesamekindofsickfeelingonthewayfromthehoteltotheairport.
Therewasabreak-uping,youcouldsmellit,andnoonewassayinganything.Anditwasforthesamereason,whichwasthatwedtakenthingsasfaraswecould,andtherewasnowhereforustogo.Thatswhyeveryonebreaksup,Iguess,bands,friends,marriages,whatever.Parties,weddings,anything.
Itsfunny,butwhenthebandsplit,ohereasosickwasbecauseIwasworriedabouttheuys.Whatthefuckweretheygoingtodo,youknow?Noneofuswereover-qualified.Billywasntrealbigonreadingandwriting,ifyouhearwhatImsaying,andEddiewastoo,like,pugilistictoholddownaj,andJesselikedhisspliff…TheonepersonIhadnorealsaboutwasme.IwasgoingtobeOK.Iwassmart,andstable,andIhadagirlfriehoughIknewIdmissmakingmusiceveryfugdayofmylife,Icouldstillbesomethingandsomeohoutit.Sopens?Afewweekslater,BillyandJessegetagigwithabandbaewhoserhythmsehadwalkedoutonthem,Eddiegoestoworkforhisdad,andImdeliveringpizzasandnearlyjumpingoffafugroof.
Sothistimearound,Iwasdetermitofretaboutmyfellowbandmembers.TheydbeOK,Itoldmyself.Itdidntlookthatway,maybe,buttheydsurvivedsofar,justabout,anditwasntmyproblemanyway.
Iaxitotheairportwetalkedsomeaboutwhatweddone,andwhatwedread,andthefirstthingweweregoingtodowhehome,andshitlikethat,andontheplanewealldozed,becauseitwasanearlyflight.AndthehetubefromHeathrowtoKingsCross,andtookabusfromthere.Itwasohatwestartedtmaybewewouldntbehangingoutsomuch.
Whynot?saidJess.
Becausewehavenothinginon,saidMartin.Theholidayprovedthat.
IthoughtitwentOK.
Martinsnorted.Wedidoeachother.
Youwerehidinginatoiletmostofthetime,saidJess.
Andwhywasthat,doyouthink?Becauseweresoulmates?Orbecauseoursisnotoneofmymostfulfilliionships?Yeah,andwhatisyourmostfulfilliionship?Whatsyours?Jessthoughtforamoment,andthenshrugged.
Withyoulot,shesaid.
TherewasasilewaslongenoughforustoseethetruthofJesssobservationasitappliedtoher.Andluckilyforus,Martinspokeupjustaswewerestartingtoseehowitmightpossiblyapplytoustoo.
Yes.Well.Itshouldntbe,shouldntit?Areyougivihepush?Ifyouwanttoputitlikethat.Jess,weghtheholiday.Andnowitstimetogoourseparateways.
WhataboutValentinesDay?WemeetoinesDay,ifyouwant.Wesaidweddothat.
Upontheroof?Doyoustillthinkyoumightthrowyourselfoff?Idunno.Itgesdaybyday.
Idliketomeetup,saidMaureen.
IsupposeValentinesmustbeaprettyimportantdayforyou,Maureen,saidJess.Shesaiditasifsheweremakingversation,butMaureenreizedthedisguisednastinessanddidntbothertorespond.JustabouteverythingJesssaidcouldbebouncedrightbackather,butnoneofushadtheenergyanymore.Welookedoutthewindowatthetraffitherain,andatAngelIsaidgoodbyeandgotoff.AsIwatchedthebusdriveaway,IcouldseeMaureeheothers,evenJess,herpacketofPolomints,aureseemedkindofheartbreaking.
FortheweekIdidnothing,prettymuch.Ireadalot,andwanderedaroundIslingtoherewasanysignofabadjobforme.OnenightIblewtenpoundsonaticketforabandcalledFatce,whowereplayingintheUnionChapel.Theystarteduparoundthesametimeasus,andnowtheyhadadetdeal,andtherewasabuzzaboutthem,buttheywerelame,inmyopiniooodthereandplayedtheirsongs,andpeopleclapped,andtherewasanencore,andthe,andIwouldntsayanyofuswasricherfortheexperience.
Iwasreizedonthewayout,byaguywhomusthavebeeninhisforties.
Allright,JJ?hesaid.DoIknowyou?IsawyouattheHopeandAnchorlastyear.Iheardthebandhadsplit.
Youlivinghere?Yeah,fornow.
Whatyoudoing?Yougonesolo?Yeah,thatsright.
etateightintheeveningoinesDay,andeveryonewasontime.Jesswaomeetlater,likeatmidnightorsomething,forfulltragiceffect,butnoohoughtitwassuchagoodidea,andMaureendidntwanttotravelhomesolate.Iranihestairsonthe,andtoldherIwasgladtohearshewasthinkingabouttravellinghomeafterwards.
WhereelsewouldIgo?No,Ijustmeant…Lasttimeyonnagohome,youknow?
Not,like,onthebus,anyway.
Onthebus?Lasttime,yoingtogetofftheroofthequickway.Iwalkedmyfihroughtheairandthenpluhemdownwards,asiftheywerejumpingofftheroof.Buttonight,itsoundsasthoughyoullbetakingthelongwaydown.
Oh.Yes.Well.Iveeonabit,shesaid.Inmyhead,Imean.
Thatsgreat.
Imstillfeelingthebeoftheholiday,Ithink.
Righton.
Andthenshedidntwanttotalkanymore,becauseitwasalong,andshewasshortofbreath.
MartinandJessarrivedacoupleofmier,andwesaidhello,andthenweallstoodthere.
Whatwasthepointofthis,actually?saidMartin.
Weweregoingtomeetupandseehoereallfeelingandallthat,saidJess.
Ah.Weshuffledourfeet.Andhowareweallfeeling?Maureensdoinggood,Isaid.Arentyou,Maureen?Iam.IwassayingtoJJ,IthinkImstillfeelingthebeoftheholiday.
Whichholiday?Theholidaywejusthad?Helookedatherandthenshookhishead,withamixtureofamazementandadmiration.
Howaboutyou,Mart?Isaid.Howyoudoing?ButIcouldkindoftellwhattheahatquestionwasgoingtobe.
Oh,youknow.eeca,Tosser,saidJess.
Weshuffledourfeetsomemore.
IreadsomethingIthoughtmightiyouall,Martinsaid.
Yeah?Iwasw…Maybeitwouldbegoodtotalkaboutit
Soundsgoodtome,Isaid.Imean,maybeweshouldcelebrateanyway,youknow?Celebrate?saidMartin,likeIwasnuts.
Yeah.Imean,werealive,and,and…Thelistkindofranoutafterthat.Butbeingaliveseemedworththepriceofaroundofdrinks.Beingaliveseemedworthcelebrating.Unless,ofcourse,itwasntwhatyouwanted,inwhichcase…Oh,fuckit.Iwantedadrinkanyway.Ifwecouldntthinkofanythingelse,theingadrinkwasworthcelebrating.Anordinaryhumandesirehademergedthroughthefogofdepressionandindecision.
Maureen?Yes,Idontmind.
Itdoesntlooktomelikeanyonesgoingtojump,Isaid.Nottonight.
Isthatright?Jess?Shewasntlistening.
Fuckme,shesaid.JesusChrist.
Shewasstaringattheeroftheroof,thespotwhereMartinhadshewireonNewYearsEve.Therewasaguysittingthere,exactlywhereMartinhadsat,andhewaswatgus.Hewasmaybeafewyearsolderthanme,andhelookedrealfrightened.
Hey,man,Isaidquietly.Hey.Juststaythere.
Istartedtowalkslowlyovertohim.
Pleasedonteanycloser,hesaid.Heanieartears,draggingfuriouslyonasmoke.
Weveallbeenthere,Isaid.eonbackoverandyoujoin.Thisisourreunion.Itriedanothercoupleofsteps.Hedidntsayanything.
Yeah,saidJess.Lookatus.WereOK.Youthinkyourenevergoingtogetthroughtheevening,butyoudo.
Idontwantto,saidtheguy.
Telluswhattheproblemis,Isaid.Iwalkedalittlecloser.Imean,wereallfugexpertsinthefield.Maureenhere...
ButIanyfurther.Heflippedthecigaretteovertheedge,ahalittlemoanhepushedhimselfoff.Andtherewassilendthentherewasthenoiseofhisbodyhittingthecreteallthosefloorsbelow.Andthosetwohemoanahud,IveheardeverysingledaysindIstilldontknowwhichisscarier.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
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