Part 3-1

  <strong>MARTIN</strong>

  Theguywhojumpedhadtwoprofoundandapparentlytradictoryeffeusall.Firstly,hemadeusrealizethatwewerentcapableofkillingourselves.Andsedly,thisinformationmadeussuicidalagain.

  Thatisntaparadox,ifyouknowanythingabouttheperversityofhumannature.Alongtimeago,Iworkedwithanalcoholieonewhomustremainnamelessbecauseyouwillalmostcertainlyhaveheardofhim.

  Aoldmethatthefirsttimehefailedonaoquittheboozewasthemostterrifyingdayofhislife.Hedalwaysthoughtthathecouldstopdrinking,ifheevergotroundtoit,sohehadachoicestashedawayinasockdrawersomewhereatthebackofhishead.Butwhenhefoundoutthathehadtodrink,thatthechoicehadneverreallybeenthere…Well,hewaodoawaywithhimself,ifImaytemporarilyfuseourissues.

  IdidntproperlyuandwhathemeantuntilIsawthatguyjumpofftheroof.Upuntilthen,jumpinghadalwaysbeenanoption,awayout,mohebankforarainyday.Andthensuddenlythemoneywasgone-orrather,ithadneverbeenoursinthefirstplace.Itbeloheguywhojumped,andpeoplelikehim,becausedanglingysovertheprecipiothingunlessyourepreparedtogothatextratwoinches,andnoneofushadbeen.Wecouldtelleachotherandourselvessomethingdifferent-oh,Iwouldhavedoifshehadhereorhehadhereorifsomeonehadntsatonmyhead-butthefactofthematterwasthatwewereallstillaround,andwedallhadampleopportunitynottobe.Whyhadweedownthatnight?WededownbecausewethoughtweshouldgoandlookforsometwitcalledChas,whoturnottobeterriblygermaoourstory.Imnotsurewecouldhavepersuadedoldmatey,thejumper,togoandlookforChas.Hehadotherthingsonhismind.IwonderhowhewouldhavescoredonAaronT.BecksSuicideIScale?Prettyhigh,Ishouldthink,unlessAaronT.Beckhasbeenbarkingupthewrongtree.Noonecouldsaytheiwasntthere.

  Wegotoffthatroofsharpishoncehedgoneover.Wedecideditwasbestnottohangaroundandexplainourrole,orlackofit,inthepoorchapsdemise.WehadalittleToppersprevious,afterall,andbyowningup,wedonlybefusingtheissue.Ifpeopleknewwedbeenupthere,thentheclarityofthestory-unhappymanjumpsoffofbuilding-wouldbediminished,andpeoplewoulduandlessofit,ratherthanmore.Wewouldntwantthat.

  Sowechargeddowairsasfastasdamagedlungsandvaricosedlegswouldletus,aourseparateways.Weweretoonervoustogoforadrinkintheimmediateviity,andtoonervoustotravelinataxitogether,sowescatteredthemomentwereachedthepavement.(What,Iwohewayhome,wasthepubtoToppersHouselikeofanevening?Wasitfullofunhappypeopleontheir,orhalf-fused,half-relievedpeoplewhodjustedown?Oranawkwardmixofthetwo?Doesthelandlheuniquenessofhistele?

  Doesheexploittheirmoodforfinancialgain-byaMiserableHour,forexample?DoesheevertrytogettheUppers-inthistexttheveryunhappypeople-tomixwiththeDowners?OrtheUpperstomixwitheachother?Hasthereeverbeeionshipbornthere?Couldthepubevenhavebeenresponsibleforawedding,andthusmaybeachild?)WemetagainthefollowingafternooninStarbucks,andeveryoheblues.Afereviously,intheimmediateaftermathoftheholiday,ithadbeenperfectlyclearthatwenolongerhadmuchuseforeachother;now,itwashardtoimaginewhoelsewouldbesuitablepany.Ilookedaroundthecafeattheotherers:youngmotherswithprams,youngmenandwomeninsuitswithmobilephonesandpiecesofpaper,fnstudents…Itriedtoimagialkingtoanyofthem,butitossible.Theywouldntwanttohearaboutpeoplejumpingofftower-blooonewould,apartfromthepeopleIwassittingwith.

  Iallfugnightthinkingaboutthatguy,saidJJ.Man.Whatwasgoingonthere?Herobablyjust,youknow.Adramaqueen.Amaledramaqueen.

  Adramaking,saidJess.Helookedthesort.

  Thatsveryshrewd,Jess,Isaid.Inthebriefglimpsewegotofhimbeforehepluohisdeath,hedidntstrikemeassomeohseriousproblems.Nothingonyourscale,anyway.

  Itllbeinthelocalpaper,saidMaureen.Theyusuallyare.Iusedtoreadthereports.EspeciallywhenitwasinguptoNewYearsEve.Iusedtoparemyselfwiththem.

  And?Howdidyougeton?Oh,saidMaureen.IdidOK.SomeofthemIcouldntuand.

  Whatsortofthings?Money.

  Ioweloadsofpeoplemoney,saidJessproudly.

  Perhapsyoushouldthinkofkillingyourself,Isaid.

  Itsnotmuch,saidJess.Onlytwentyquidhereayquidthere.

  Evenso.Adebtsadebt.Andifyoutpay…Maybeyoushouldtakethehonourablewayout.

  Hey.Guys,JJsaid.Letskeepsomefocus,huh?Onwhat?Isntthattheproblem?Nothingtofo?Letsfothatguy.

  Wedontknowanythingabouthim.

  No,but,Idontknow.Heseemskindofimportanttome.Thateweregonnado.

  as,saidJess.

  Butyoudidnt.

  Yousatonmyhead.

  Butyouhaventdohingaboutitsince.

  Well.Wewenttothatparty.Aonholiday.And,youknow.

  Theresbeehingafteranother.

  Terrible,isntit,hopens?Youllhavetoblockoutsometimeinyourdiary.Otherwiselifewillkeepgettingintheway.

  Shutup.

  Guys,guys…Ihad,onceagain,allowedmyselftobedrawnintoanundignifiedspatwithJess.Idecidedtoaamorestatesmanlikemanner.

  LikeJJ,Ihavespentalongnightcogitating,Isaid.

  Tosser.

  Andmyclusionisthatwearenotseriouspeople.Wewereneverserious.Wegotcloserthanowherenearascloseasothers.Andthatputsusihingofabind.

  Iagree.Werefucked,saidJJ.Sorry,Maureen.

  Immissingsomething,saidJess.

  Thisisit,Isaid.Thisisus.

  Whatis?This.Igesturedvaguelyatoursurroundings,thepanywewerekeeping,therainoutside,allofwhichseemedtospeakeloquentlyofourcurrentdition.Thisisit.Theresnowayout.hewayoutisthewayout.Notforus.

  Fuckthat,saidJess.AndImnotsorry,Maureen.

  Theht,IwasgoingtotellyouaboutsomethingIdreadinamagazine.Aboutsuicide.Doyouremember?Anyway,thisguyreedthatthecrisisperiodlastsydays.

  Whatguy?JJasked.

  Thissuicidologistguy.

  Thatsajob?Everythingsajob.

  Sowhat?saidJess.

  Sowevehadforty-sixoftheydays.

  Andpensaftertheydays?Nothinghappens,Isaid.Just…thingsaredifferent.Thingsge.

  Theexactarraofstuffthatmadeyouthinkyourlifewasunbearable…Itsgotshiftedaroundsomehow.Itslikeasortofreal-lifeversionofastrology.

  Nothingsgoingtogeforyou,saidJess.Yourestillgoingtobethegeezeroffthetellywhosleptwiththefifteen-year-oldaoprison.Noonewilleverfetthat.

  Yes.Well.Imsuretheydaysthinglyinmycase,Isaid.Ifthatmakesyouhappier.

  WonthelpMaureeher,saidJess.OrJJ.Imightge,though.Ido,quitealot.

  Mypoint,anyway,isthatweextendourdeadlineagain.Because…Well,Idontknowaboutyoulot.ButIrealizedthismthatImnot,youknow,readytogosolojustyet.Itsfunny,becauseIdontactuallylikeanyofyouverymuch.Butyouseemtobe,Idontknow…WhatIneed.

  Youknowhowsometimesyouknowyoushouldbeeatingmorecabbage?

  Ordrinkingmorewater?Itslikethat.

  Therewasageneralshufflingoffeet,whiterpretedasadeclaratioantsolidarity.

  Thanks,man,saidJJ.Verytoug.Whenstheydaysup?Marchst.

  Thatsabitoface,isntit?saidJess.Exactlythreemonths.

  Whatsyourpoint?Well.Itsnotstific,isit?What,ay-eightdayswouldbe?Morestific,yeah.

  No,Igetit,saidJJ.Threemonthssoundsabht.Threemonthsislikeaseason.

  Verymuchlike,Iagreed.Giventherearefourseasons,andtwelvemonthsinayear.

  Sowereseeierthroughtogether.Thatscool.Winteriswhenyougettheblues,JJsaid.

  Soitwouldappear,Isaid.

  Butwegottadosomething,saidJJ.Wetjustsitaroundwaitingforthreemonthstobeup.

  TypicalAmeri,saidJess.Whatdoyouwanttodo?Bombsomepoorlittletrysomewhere?Sure.Itwouldtakemymindoffthings,somebombing.

  Whatshouldwedo?Iaskedhim.

  Idontknow,man.Ijustknowthatifwespendsixweekspissingandmoaning,thehelpingourselves.

  Jessisright,Isaid.TypicalbloodyAmeri."Helpingourselves."Self-help.Youdoanythingifyouputyourmindtht?YoucouldbePresident.

  Whatisitwithyouassholes?ImnottalkingaboutbeingPresident.

  Imtalkingabout,like,findingajobwaitingtables.

  Great,saidJess.Letsallnotkillourselvesbecausesomeonegaveusafiftypeip.

  Nofugceofthatinthisfugtry,saidJJ.Sorry,Maureen.

  Youcouldalwaysjustgobackwhereyoucamefrom,saidJess.Thatwouldgesomething.Also,yourbuildingsarehigher,arentthey?So,Isaid.Forty-fourdaystogo.

  TherewassomethingelseiicleIread:aninterviewwithamanwhodsurvivedafterjumpingofftheGoldenGateBridgeinSanFrancisco.

  Hesaidthattwosedsafterjumping,herealizedthattherewasnothinginhislifehecouldntdealwith,noproblemhecouldntsolve-apartfromtheproblemhedjustgivenhimselfbyjumpingoffthebridge.IdontknowwhyIdidheothersaboutthat;youdthinkitmightberelevantinformation.Iwaokeepittomyselfforthetimebeing,though.Itseemedlikesomethingthatmightbemoreappropriatelater,wheorywasover.Ifiteverwas.

  MAUREENItwasinthelocalpaper,thefollowingweek.Icutthestoryout,a,aeverysooften,justtotrytouandthepoormaer.Icouldntkeephimoutofmyhead.HewascalledDavidFawley,andhedjumpedbecauseofproblemswithhiswifeandchildresomeoneelse,andmovedawaytobewithhim,andtakenthekiddieswithher.Heonlylivedtwostreetsaway,whichseemedverystraome,atilIrealizedthatpeopleinmylocalpaperalwayslivedlocally,unlesssomeonehadvisitedtoopenaschoolorsomething.GlendaJaetoMattysschoolonce,forexample.

  <strong>Martin</strong>

  wasright.WhenIsawDavidFawleyjump,itmademeseethatIhadntbeenreadyonNewYearsEve.Idbeeomakethepreparations,becauseitgavemesomethingtodo-NewYearsEvewassomethingtolookforwardto,inastraofway.Andwhesomepeopletotalkto,thenIytotalk,insteadofjump.Theydhaveletmejump,Ithink,ooldthemwhyIthere.Theywouldnthavegotinmyway,orsatonmyhead.Butevenso,Idgonedowairsandontotheparty.ThispoorDavidhadntwaalktous,thatwasthethingIdnoticed.Hedetojump,nottohoughtIdgoojump,butIendedupnatteringanyway.

  Ifyouthoughtaboutit,thisDavidfellaandme,wewereopposites.

  Hedkilledhimselfbecausehischildrenweregone,andIdthoughtaboutitbecausemysonwasstillaround.Theremustbealotofthatgoeson.Theremustbepeoplewhokillthemselvesbecausetheirmarriageisover,andotherswhokillthemselvesbecausetheytseeawayoutoftheoheyrein.Iwonderedwhetheryoucoulddothatwitheveryone,whethereveryunhappysituationhadanunhappyoppositesituation.Icouldwiththepeoplewhohaddebts,though.Nooneeverkilledhimselfbecausehehadtoomuey.Thosesheikhswiththeoildooitsuicideveryoften.Oriftheydo,nooalksaboutit.Anyerhapstherewassomethinginthisoppositesidea.Ihadsomeone,andDavidhadnoone,andhedjumpedandIhadnt.Whenitestoittingsuicide,nobodybeatssomebody,ifyouseewhatImean.

  Theresnoropeholdingyouback.

  IprayedforDavidssoul,eventhoughIkwouldntdohimanygood,becausehehadittedthesinofdespair,andmyprayerswouldfallondeafears.AerMattyhadgoosleep,IlefthimaloneforfiveminutesandwalkeddowntheroadtoseewhereDavidhadlived.IdontknowwhyIdidthat,orwhatIhopedtosee,buttherewasnothingthere,ofcourse.Itwasohesestreetsfullofbighousesthathavebeenturoflats,sothatswhatIfoundout,thathelivedinaflat.Awastimetoturnaroundandgohome.

  Thatevening,IwatchedaprogrammeoelevisionaboutaScottishdetectivewhodoesonwithhisex-wifeverywell,soIthoughtaboutDavidsomemore,becauseIdontsupposehegotonverywellwithhisex-wifeeither.AndImnotsurethiswasthepointoftheprogramme,buttherewasntmuinitforlotsumeweetishdetectiveandhisex-wife,becausemostofthetimehehadtofindoutwhodkilledthiswomanaherbodyoutsideherex-husbandshousetomakeitlookasthoughhedkilledher.(Thiswasadifferentex-husband.)Soinanhour-lramme,therewereprobablyonlytenminutesofhimarguingwithhisex-wife,andhischildren,andfiftyminutesofhimtryingtofindwhodputthewomansbodyibin.Fortyminutes,Isuppose,ifyoutookouttheadvertisements.InoticedbecauseIwasabitmoreiedintheargumentsthanIwasinthebody,andtheargumentsdidoearoundveryoften.

  Andthatseemedabhttome,tenminutesanhour.Itrobablyabhtfortheprogramme,becausehewasadetective,anditwasmoreimportantforhimandfortheviewersthathespentthebiggestkofhistimeonsolvingthemurders.ButIthinkevenifyourenotinaTVprogramme,thentenminutesanhourisabhtforyourproblems.

  ThisDavidFawleywasunemployed,sotherewasafairoldcethathespentsixtyminutesanhourthinkingabouthisex-wife,andhischildren,andwhenyoudothat,youreboundtoendupontheroofofToppersHouse.

  Ishouldknow.Idonthavearguments,buttherehavebeenlotsoftimesinmylifewhenIcouldntstopMattybeingsixtyminutesanhour.

  Therewasnothiothinkabout.Idhadmoreonmymily,becauseoftheothers,ahingsthathavehappeheirlives.Butmostofthetime,onmostdays,itwasjustmeandmyson,andthatmeanttrouble.

  Anyway,thateveningtherewasawholejumbleofthoughts.Ilayinbedhalf-asleep,thinkingaboutDavid,atishdetective,andingdownofftherooftofindChasauallyIgotthesethoughtsunknotted,andwhenIwokeupinthemIdecideditwouldbeagoodideatofindoutwhereMartinswifeandchildrenlived,andthengoandtalktothemallaherewasanyceofgettingthefamilybacktogether.Becauseifthatworked,thenMartinwouldsoeatenupaboutsomethings,andhedhavesomebodyratherthannobody,andIdhavesomethingtodoforfortyorfiftyminutesanhour,anditwouldhelpeverybody.

  ButIelessdetective.IknewMartinswifesnamewasdy,soIlookeddySharpupinthephonebook,andshewasntthere,andIranoutofideasafterthat.SoIaskedJess,becauseIdidntthinkJJwouldapproveofmyplan,andshefoundalltheinformationweneededinaboutfiveminutes,onaputer.Buttheedtoewithmetoseedy,andIsaidshecould.Iknow,Iknow.Butyoutrytellinghershethavesomethis.

  <strong>JESS</strong>

  IgotonDadsputer,andputdySharpintoGoogle,andIfoundaninterviewshedgiventosomewomansmagazinewhenMartinhadgooprison.dySharptalksforthefirsttimeaboutherheartbreakandallthat.Youcouldevencliapictureofherawogirls.dylookedlikePenny,exceptolderandabitfatter,becauseofhavinghadkidsandthat.AndwhatsthebettingthatPennylookedlikethefifteen-year-old,exceptthatthefifteen-year-oldwasevenslimmerthanPenny,andhadbiggertitsorwhatever?Theyretossers,arentthey,meihinkwomenarelikefuglaptopsorwhatever,like,Myoldonesknackeredandanyway,yougetohatareslimmeranddomorestuffnow.

  SoIreadtheinterview,anditsaidshelivedinthisvillagecalledTorleyHeath,aboutfortymilesoutsideLondon.Andifshewastryingtostoppeoplelikeusfromknogonthedoortotellhertogetbackwithherhusband,thenshemadeabigmistake,becausetheinterviewerdescribedexactlywhereherhouseisinthevillage-oppositeanold-fashionedershop,doorbutohevillageschool.Shetoldusallthisbecauseshewaoknowhowidealisticorwhateverdyslifeis.Apartfromherex-husbandbeinginprisonforsleepingwithafifteen-year-old.

  WedecidednottotellJJ.Wewereprettysurehedstopusforsomebullshitreasonoranother.Hedsay,Itsnoneofyourbusiness,or,Youllfuckupthelastcehesgot.Butwethoughtwehadastrument,MaureenandI.umentwasthis.MaybedydidhateMartinbecausehewasarealplayawhowentanywherewithanowhewassuicidal,andheprobablywouldntgoanywherewithanyone,oratleastnotforawhile.Sobasically,ifshewouldnttakehimback,shehadtohatehimenoughtowanthimtodie.Andthatsalotofhate.True,hehadnteversaidhewaogetbackwithher,butheobeinasecuredomestiviro,inaplacelikeTorleyHeath.ItwasbettertodonothinginaplacewheretherewasnothingtodothaninLondoherewastrouble-teenagegirlsandnightclubsandtower-blocks.Thatswhatwefelt.

  Sowehadadayout.Maureenmadehorriblelikeold-fashionedsandwicheswitheggandstuffinthem,whichIcould.AhetubetoPaddingtohetraintoNewbury,andthenabustoTorleyHeath.IdbeenworriedthatMaureenandIwouldnthavemuchtosaytoeachother,areallybored,andIdendupdoingsomethingstupid,becauseoftheboredom.Butitreallywasntlikethat,mostlybecauseofme,andtheeffortIputin.IdecidedthatIwasgoingtobelikeaninterviewertype-person,andIdspendthejourneyfindingoutaboutMaureenslife,nomatterhordepressingitwas.Theonlytroublewasthatitwasactuallytanddepressingtolistento,soIsortofswitchedoffwhealking,andthoughtupthequestion.Acoupleoftimesshelookedatmefunny,soImguessingthatquiteoftenshehadjusttoldmesomethingandthenIaskedheraboutitagain.Likeounedbato,somethingsomethingsomethiFrank.SoIwent,WhendidyoumeetFrank,butIthinkwhatshedjustsaidwas,ThatwaswheFrank.SoIdhavetoworkonthat,ifIwasevertobeaninterviewer.Butletsfaceit,Iwoulderviewingpeoplewhodidnothingandhadadisabledson,wouldI?Soitwouldbeeasiertotrate,becausetheydbetalkingabouttheirnewfilmsandotherstuffyoudactuallywanttoknowabout.

  Anyway,thepointwasthatwewentthroughawholejourhemiddleoffugnowherewithoutmeaskingherwhethershehadsexdoggystyleoranythinglikethat.AndwhatIrealizedthenwasthatIdealongwaysinewYearsEve.Idgroerson.Andthatmademethinkthatourstorywassortofingtoanend,anditwasgoingtobeahappyending.BecauseIdgroerson,andalsowewereinthisperiodwhereweweresouteachothersproblems.Wewerentjustsittingaroundmoping.Thatswhenstoriesend,isntit?Whenpeopleshowtheyvelearhings,andproblemsgetsolved.Iveseenloadsoffilmslikethat.WedsortoutMartintoday,aurnourmindstoJJ,andthenme,andthenMaureen.Andwedmeetontheroofafterydays,andsmile,andhug,andknowthatwehadmovedon.

  Thebusstopwasrightoutsidethevillageshopthattheartithemagazinehadgoneonabout.Sowegotoffthebusandstoodoutsidetheshopandlookedacrosstheroadtoseewhatwecouldsee.wasthislittlecottageysortofplacewithalowwall,andyoucouldlookintothegarden,andinthegardenthereweretwolittlegirlsalledupinhatsandscarvesandtheywereplayingwithadog.SoIwenttoMaureen,DoyouknowthenamesofMartinskids?Andshewaslike,Yes,theyrecalledPollyandMaisie-whichseemedabht,Ithought.IcouldimagiinanddyhavingkidscalledPollyandMaisie,whicharesortofold-fashionedposhnames,soeveryonecouldpretendthatMrDarcyorwhateverliveddoor.SoIshouted,Oo-o,Polly!Maisie!Andtheylookedatusandcametowardsus,andthatwasmydetectiveworkover.

  Wekhedooranddyanswered,andshelookedatmeasifshehalf-reizedme,andIwaslike,ImJess.ImoheToppersHouseFour,andIwas,youknow,lioyourhusbandorwhateverintheneers.Whichwasalie,bytheway.(Thatwasmetelliwasalie,ellingyou.IreallywishIknewwherespeechmarksorwhateverwent.Iseethepointofthemnow.)Andshesaid,Ex-husband,whichwassortofanunfriendlyandunhelpfulstart.

  A,Well,thatsthething,isntit?

  A,Isit?

  A,Yes,itis.Becausehedoesnthavetobeyourex-husband.

  A,Oh,yeshedoes.

  Andwehadntevehroughthefrontdoor.

  AtthatpointMaureengoes,Doyouthinkwecouldeinandtalktoyou?ImMaureen.ImalsoafriendofMartins.WeveedownfromLondonorain.

  Andthebus,Isaid.Ijustwantedhertoknowwedmadeaneffort.

  Anddysaid,Imsorry,ein.NotImsorry,fuckoffhome,whichiswhatIthoughtshewasgoingtosay.Sheologizingforherbadmannersinmakingusstandoutonthedoorstep.SoIwaslike,Oh,thisisgoingtobeeasy.IntenminutesIllhavebulliedherintotakinghimback.

  Sowewalkintothecottage,anditscosyinthere,butnotalllikeoutofamagazine,whichIthoughtitwouldbe.Thefurnituredidntreallymatditwasold,anditsmelledofthedogabit.Sheshowedusthroughtothesittingroomandtherewasthisgeezerintheresittingbythefire.Hewasnice-looking,youhanher,andIthought,Oh-oh,hesgothisfeetuhetable.BecausehewaslisteningtoaWalkmanwithhisshoesoff,andyoudontlistentoaWalkmanwithyourshoesoffinsomeoneshouseifyourejustvisiting,doyou?

  dywentuptohimandtappedhimontheshoulderandsaid,Wevegotvisitors,andhewaslike,Oh,Imsorry.IwaslisteningtoStephenFryreadingHarryPotter.Thechildre,soIthoughtIshouldgiveitawhirl.Haveyouheardit?SoIwaslike,Yeah,doIlooknineyearsoldtoyou?Andhedidntknowwhattosaytothat.Hetooktheheadphonesoffandpressedabuttononthemae.

  Anddysaid,ItsPaulsdogthatthegirlsareplayingwith.AndIwaslike,Yeah,so?ButIdidntsaythat.

  dytoldhimthatwewerefriendsofMartins,andheaskedwhethershewantedhimtoleave,andshesaid,No,ofcoursenot,whatevertheyveetosayIwantyoutohear.SoIsaid,Well,weveetotelldysheshouldgetbackwithMartin,soyoumightnotwanttohearthat.Andhedidntknowwhattosaytothateither.

  Maureenlookedatme,andthenshegoes,Wereworriedabouthim.

  Anddysaid,Yes,well,ItsayImsurprised.AndMaureentellsherabouttheblokewhotoppedhimself,andhowitwasbecauseofhowhiswifeandkidshadlefthim,anddysaid,YouknowMartius?Wedidntleavehim?AndIwaslike,Yeah,thatswhywevee.Becauseifyoudlefthim,thiswholetripwouldhavebeenawasteoftime.But,youknow.Weveedowellyouhesgedhismind,sortofthing.AndMaureensaid,Ithinkheknowsthatwasamistake.Anddygoes,Ihadnodoubthedrealizeitinthelongterm,andIalsohadnodoubtthatbythetimehediditwouldbetoolate.A,Itsoolatetolearn.A,Itisforhim.AndIsaidIthoughtsheowedhimanotherdshesortofsmiledandsaidshedisagreedandIsaidIdisagreedwithherdisagreeingandshesaidwemustagreetodisagree.AndIwaslike,Soyouwanthimtodie,then?

  Andtheabitquiet,andIthoughtIdgother.Butthenshegoes,Ithoughtaboutkillingmyselftoo,whenthingswerereallybad,awhileago.ButIdidnthavetheoption,becauseofthegirls.Anditsindicativeofthewaythingsarethathedoeshavetheoptiopartofafamily.Hehatedbeingpartofafamily.

  AndthatswhenIdecideditwashisbusiness.Ifhehadthefreedomtofuckaround,thehefreedomtokillhimself,too.Dontyouthink?

  A,WellIseewhyyousaythat.Whichwasamistake,becauseitdidnthelpmyargument.

  dysaid,DidhetellyouIwouldhimseethegirls?

  AndMaureensaid,Yes,hedidmentionthat.Anddywehatsnottrue.Ijustwohimseethemhere.HecouldtakethemforweekendsinLondon,buthewont.Orhesayshewill,butthenhemakesexcuses.Hedoesntwanttobethatsortofdad,yousee.Itstoomucheffort.Hewantstoehomefromwork,readthemastorysomenightsbutnoteverynight,andgotoseethemintheChristmasplay.Hedoesntwantalltheotherstuff.Andthenshewaslike,IdontknowwhyImtellingyouthis.A,Hesabitofatosser,really,isnthe?Andshelaughed.Hesmadealotofmistakes,shesaid.Aiomakethem.

  AndthatPaulblokegoes,Ifheuter,youdhavetosaythattheresaprogrammingfault,soIwaslike,Whatsitgottodowithyou?

  Anddysaid,Listen,Ivebeenverypatientwithyouupuntilnow.Twersknoydoorandtellmetogetbacktogetherwithmyex-husband,amanwhonearlydestroyedme,andIiheminandactuallylistentothem.ButPaulismypartner,andpartofmyfamily,andawonderfulstepfathertothegirls.Andthatswhatitsgottodowithhim.

  AndthenPaulstoodupandsaid,IthinkIlltakeHarryPotterupstairs,andhenearlytrippedovermyfeet,anddydivedoverandwaslike,Careful,darling,andthenIworkedouthewasblind.Blind!Fughell!Thatswhyhehadadog.Thatswhyshewastryingtotellmehehadadog(becauseIwasgivingitallthatstuff,like,DoIlooknineyearsoldohGodohGod).Sowedgohewaydowotelldyshehadtoleaveablindmanabacktogetherwithamanwhoshaggedfifteen-year-oldsaedherlikeshit.Itshouldntreallyhavemadeanydifferehough,shouldit?Theyrealwaysgoingonabouthowtheywanttobetreatedthesameaseveryoneelse.SoIllleavetheblindthingoutofit.IlljustsaythatwewentallthewaydowotelldyshehadtoleaveanOKblokewhowasgoodtoherandherkids,abackwithanarsehole.Andthatstilldidntsou.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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