Chapter XX

  Thestruggleforadmissiontocollegewasended,andIcoulderRadcliffewheneverIpleased.BeforeIenteredcollege,however,itwasthoughtbestthatIshouldstudyanotheryearunderMr.Keith.Itwasnot,therefore,untilthefallof1900thatmydreamofgoingtocollegewasrealized.

  IremembermyfirstdayatRadcliffe.Itwasadayfullofiforme.Ihadlookedforwardtoitforyears.

  Apotentforcewithirohanthepersuasionofmyfriends,strohanthepleadingsofmyheart,hadimpelledmetotrymystrengthbythestandardsofthosewhoseeandhear.Ikhattherewereobstaclesintheway;butIwaseagertooverethem.IhadtakehewordsofthewiseRomanwhosaid,"TobebanishedfromRomeisbuttoliveoutsideofRome."Debarredfromthegreathighwaysofknowledge,Iwaspelledtomakethejourneyacrosstrybyunfrequentedroads--thatwasall;andIkhatincollegethereweremanybypathswhereIcouldtoudswithgirlswhowerethinking,lovingandstrugglinglikeme.

  Ibeganmystudieswitheagerness.BeforemeIsaorldopeningiyandlight,awithihecapacitytoknowallthings.InthewonderlandofMindIshouldbeasfreeasaspeople,sery,manners,joys,tragediesshouldbeliving,tangibleinterpretersoftherealworld.Thelecture-hallsseemedfilledwiththespiritofthegreatandthewise,andIthoughttheprofessorsweretheembodimentofwisdom.IfIhavesincelearneddifferently,Iamnotgoingtotellanybody.

  ButIsoondiscoveredthatcollegewasnotquitetheromanticlyceumIhadimagined.Manyofthedreamsthathaddelightedmyyounginexperiencebecamebeautifullylessand"fadedintothelightofonday.”

  GraduallyIbegantofindthatthereweredisadvantagesingoingtocollege.

  Theoandstillfeelmostislae.Iusedtohavetimetothink,toreflect,mymindandI.Wewouldsittogetherofaneveningandlistentotheinnermelodiesofthespirit,whiehearsonlyinleisuremomentswhenthewordsofsomelovedpoettouchadeep,sweetchordinthesoulthatuntilthenhadbee.Butincollegethereisnotimetouhohoughts.Oocollegetolearn,itseems,nottothink.Wheerstheportalsoflearning,oneleavesthedearestpleasures--solitude,booksandimagination--outsidewiththewhisperingpines.IsupposeIoughttofindsomefortihoughtthatIamlayinguptreasuresforfutureenjoyment,butIamimprovidentenoughtopreferpresentjoytrichesagainstarainyday.

  MystudiesthefirstyearwereFrench,German,history,EnglishpositionandEnglishliterature.IntheFrenchcourseIreadsomeoftheworksofeille,Moliere,Rae,AlfreddeMussetandSainte-Beuve,andintheGermanthoseofGoetheandSchiller.IrevieidlythewholeperiodofhistoryfromthefalloftheRomanEmpiretotheeighteeury,andinEnglishliteraturestudiedcriticallyMiltonspoemsand"Areopagitica.”

  IamfrequentlyaskedhowIoverethepeculiarditionsunderwhichIworkincollege.IntheclassroomIamofcoursepracticallyaloheprofessorisasremoteasifhewerespeakingthroughatelephohelecturesarespelledintomyhandasrapidlyaspossible,andmuchoftheindividualityofthelecturerislosttomeintheefforttokeepintherace.Thewordsrushthroughmyhandlikehoundsinpursuitofaharewhichtheyoftenmiss.ButinthisrespectIdonotthinkIammuchworseoffthanthegirlswhotakenotes.Ifthemindisoccupiedwiththemeicalprocessofhearingandputtingwordsopell-mellspeed,Ishouldnotthinkonecouldpaymuchattentiontothesubjedersiderationorthemannerinwhichitispresented.Iakenotesduriures,becausemyhandsarebusylistening.UsuallyIjotdownwhatIrememberofthemwhehome.Iwritetheexercises,dailythemes,criticismsandhour-tests,themid-yearandfinalexaminations,onmytypewriter,sothattheprofessorshavenodifficultyinfindingouthowlittleIknow.WhehestudyofLatinprosody,Idevisedandexplaiomyprofessorasystemofsignsindigthediffereersandquantities.

  IusetheHammondtypewriter.Ihavetriedmanymaes,andIfindtheHammondisthebestadaptedtothepeculiarneedsofmywork.Withthismaemovabletypeshuttlesbeused,andonehaveseveralshuttles,eachwithadiffereofcharacters--Greek,Frenathematical,acctothekindofwritingonewishestodooypewriter.Withoutit,IdoubtifIcouldgotocollege.

  Veryfewofthebooksrequiredinthevariouscoursesareprintedfortheblind,andIamobligedtohavethemspelledintomyhand.sequentlyIneedmoretimetopreparemylessonsthanirls.Themanualparttakeslonger,andIhaveperplexitieswhichtheyhavenot.TherearedayswhenthecloseattentionImustgivetodetailschafesmyspirit,ahoughtthatImustspendhoursreadingafeters,whileintheworldwithoutirlsarelaughingandsinginganddang,makesmerebellious;butIsoonreybuoyandlaughthedistentoutofmyheart.For,afterall,everyonewhowishestogaintrueknowledgemustclimbtheHillDifficultyalone,andsihereisnoroyalroadtothesummit,Imustzigzagitinmyownway.Islipbaytimes,Ifall,Istandstill,Irunagainsttheedgeofhiddenobstacles,Ilosemytemperandfinditagainabetter,Itrudgeon,Igainalittle,Ifeelenced,Igetmerandclimbhigheraoseethewideninghorizoruggleisavictory.Onemoreeffortaheluminouscloud,thebluedepthsofthesky,theuplandsofmydesire.Iamnotalwaysalone,however,iruggles.Mr.WilliamWadeandMr.E.E.Allen,PrincipalofthePennsylvaniaInstitutionfortheInstruoftheBliformemanyofthebooksIneedinraisedprint.Theirthoughtfulnesshasbeenmoreofahelpandencementtomethantheyeverknow.

  Lastyear,mysedyearatRadcliffe,IstudiedEnglishposition,theBibleasEnglishposition,thegoversofAmeridEurope,theOdesofHoradLatiheclassinpositionwasthepleasa.Itwasverylively.Thelectureswerealwaysiing,vivacious,witty;fortheinstrur.CharlesTownsendCopeland,morethananyoneelseIhavehaduntilthisyear,bringsbeforeyouliteratureinallitsinalfreshnessandpower.Foroneshorthouryouarepermittedtodrinkieryoftheoldmasterswithoutneedlessinterpretationorexposition.Yourevelintheirfihoughts.YouenjoywithallyoursoulthesweetthuheOldTestament,fettingtheexistenceofJahwehandElohim;andyougohomefeelingthatyouhavehad"aglimpseofthatperfeinwhichspiritandformdwellinimmortalharmony;truthaybearinganewgrowthontheaemoftime.”

  ThisyearisthehappiestbecauseIamstudyingsubjectsthatespeciallyime,eics,Elizabethaure,ShakespeareunderProfesseeL.Kittredge,aoryofPhilosophyunderProfessorJosiahRoyce.Throughphilosophyoerswithsympathyofprehensionintothetraditionsofremoteagesandothermodesofthought,whicherewhileseemedalienandwithoutreason.

  ButcollegeisnottheuniversalAthensIthoughtitwas.Thereomeetthegreatandthewisefacetofaedoesnoteveheirlivingtouch.Theyarethere,itistrue;buttheyseemmummified.WemustextractthemfromtheiedwalloflearninganddissedanalyzethembeforewebesurethatwehaveaMiltonoranIsaiah,andnotmerelyacleverimitation.Manyscholarsfet,itseemstome,thatourenjoymentofthegreatworksofliteraturedependsmoreupohofoursympathythanuponouruanding.Thetroubleisthatveryfewoftheirlaboriousexplanationsstithememory.Theminddropsthemasabranchdropsitsoverripefruit.Itispossibletoknowaflower,rootandstemandall,andalltheprocessesofgrowth,aohavenoappreciationoftheflowerfreshbathedinheavensdew.AgainandagainIaskimpatiently,"Whymyselfwiththeseexplanationsandhypotheses?"Theyflyhitherandthitherinmythoughtlikeblindbirdsbeatingtheairwithiualwings.Idooobjecttoathhknowledgeofthefamousworksweread.Iobjelytotheinterminableentsandbewilderingcriticismsthatteachbutohing:thereareasmanyopinionsastherearemen.ButwhescholarlikeProfessorKittredgeinterpretswhatthemastersaid,itis"asifnewsightweregiventheblind."HebringsbackShakespeare,thepoet.

  Thereare,however,timeswhenIlongtosweepawayhalfthethingsIamexpectedtolearn;fortheovertaxedmindotenjoythetreasureithassecuredatthegreatestcost.Itisimpossible,Ithink,toreadinoneday

  fourorfivedifferentbooksindifferentlanguagesaingofwidelydifferentsubjects,andnotlosesightoftheveryendsforwhiereads.Whenonereadshurriedlyandnervously,havinginmindwrittesandexaminations,onesbrainbeesencumberedwithalotofchoicebric-a-bracforwhichthereseemstobelittleuse.AtthepresenttimemymindissofullofheterogeneousmatterthatIalmostdespairofeverbeingabletoputitinorder.WheneverIeheregionthatwasthekingdomofmymindIfeelliketheproverbialbullintheashop.Athousandoddsandendsofknowledgeecrashingaboutmyheadlikehailstones,arytoescapethem,theme-goblinsandcollegenixiesofallsortspursueme,untilIwish--oh,mayIbefiventhewickedwish!--thatImightsmashtheidolsIcametoworship.

  Buttheexaminatiohechiefbugbearsofmycollegelife.AlthoughIhavefacedthemmanytimesandcastthemdownandmadethembitethedust,yettheyriseagainandmenacemewithpalelooks,untillikeBobAcresIfeelmyceoozingoutatmyfingerends.Thedaysbeforetheseordealstakeplacearespentincrammingyourmindwithmystiulaandiibledates--unpalatablediets,untilyouwishthatbooksandsdyouwereburiedihsofthesea.

  Atlastthedreadedhourarrives,andyouareafavouredbeingindeedifyoufeelprepared,andareableattherighttimetocalltoyourstandardthoughtsthatwillaidyouinthatsupremeeffort.Ithappenstoooftenthatyourtrumpetcallisunheeded.Itismostperplexingandexasperatingthatjustatthemomentwhenyouneedyourmemoryandaniseofdiscrimination,thesefacultiestaketothemselveswingsandflyaway.Thefactsyouhavegarhsufiroubleinvariablyfailyouatapinch.

  "GiveabriefatofHussandhiswork."Huss?Whowasheandwhatdidhedo?Thenamelooksstrangelyfamiliar.Youransackyetofhistoricfactsmuchasyouwouldhuntforabitofsilkinarag-bag.Youaresureitissomewhereinyourmihetop--yousawittheretheotherdaywhenyouwerelookingupthebeginningsoftheReformation.Butwhereisitnow?Youfishoutallmannerofoddsandendsofknowledge--revolutions,schisms,massacres,systemsofgover;butHuss--whereishe?Youareamazedatallthethingsyouknowwhicharenotontheexaminationpaper.Indesperationyouseizethebudgetanddumpeverythingout,andthereinaerisyourman,serenelybroodingonhisownprivatethought,unsciousofthecatastrophewhichhehasbroughtuponyou.

  Justthentheproctorinformsyouthatthetimeisup.Withafeelingofintensedisgustyoukickthemassofrubbishintoaerandgohome,yourheadfullofrevolutionaryschemestoabolishthedivinerightofprofessorstoaskquestionswithoutthesentofthequestioned.

  ItesovermethatitwoorthreepagesofthischapterIhaveusedfigureswhichwillturnthelaughagainstme.Ah,heretheyare--themixedmetaphorsmogandstruttingaboutbeforeme,pointingtothebullintheashopassailedbyhailstonesandthebugbearswithpalelooks,anunanalyzedspecies!Letthemmo.Thewordsdescribesoexactlytheatmosphereofjostling,tumblingideasIliveinthatIwillwinkatthemforondputonadeliberateairtosaythatmyideasofcollegehaveged.

  WhilemydaysatRadcliffewerestilliure,theywereencircledwithahaloofromance,whichtheyhavelost;butiransitionfromromantictoactualIhavelearnedmanythingsIshouldneverhaveknownhadInottriedtheexperiment.Ohemistheprecioussceofpatience,whichteachesusthatweshouldtakeoureducationaswewouldtakeawalkinthetry,leisurely,ourmindshospitablyopentoimpressionsofeverysort.Suowledgefloodsthesouluhasouidalwaveofdeepeningthought."Knowledgeispower."Rather,knowledgeishappiness,becausetohaveknowledge--broad,deepknowledge--istoknowtrueendsfromfalse,andloftythingsfromlow.Toknowthethoughtsahathavemarkedmansprogressistofeelthegreatheart-throbsofhumanitythroughtheturies;andifofeelinthesepulsationsaheavenwardstriving,oindeedbedeaftotheharmoniesoflife.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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