PART 5

  INT.DINNINGROOM/MAGGIESHOUSE-NIGHT

  Thefamilydog,Skipper,stealsfoodfromthetable.Walter

  scoldshim.WalterwhackshiscrabwithhishammerandIke

  copieshim.

  WALTER(td)

  EmmaandIwereonlyblessedwithone

  child,notforlag.

  MAGGIE

  Thisisgood,Dad,dontleaveanything

  out.

  Ikeshammerfliesoutofhishand.Hegoestopickitup.

  WALTER

  SoIveetoseeitasabonus,

  really,thatwevebeeoplan,

  andpayfor,somanyweddings.

  MAGGIE

  Notthisohisonesonme.

  Walterreacts.

  IKE

  Thatsfair.

  MAGGIE

  Despitewhatyouthink,Idontdoit

  onpurpose.AndIhavenoiionof

  doingitagain.

  BOB

  Thatsright,Maggie.Justkeepyour

  eyeontheball.

  Ikeraiseshiseyebrowsiion.Bobexplains.

  BOB(td)

  Sportspsychology.Itwasmymajorin

  college.

  IKE

  Ahh.

  BOB

  (falsemodesty)

  Imthetownsunofficialfitness

  trainer.Bigadvocateofthemindand

  bodybiningforsuccess.Youcould

  sayoryouquoteme,Imaglass

  halffullkingofguy.

  MAGGIE

  (boasting)

  BobstheheadoftheP.E.department

  atthehighschool.Andhecoachesthe

  footballteam.Andhesclimbed

  Everest.

  ToMaggiessatisfa,IkeshootsBobalookofbegrudging

  respeobodywhosbeenupEverestisatotal.

  IKE

  (impressed)

  Everest.Isthatright?

  MAGGIE

  Twice...

  IKE

  Really?

  MAGGIE

  (stigittoIke)

  Withoutoxygen...

  Birllikestaboutme.

  BobandMaggiekissIketwolittlelove-birds.

  BOB(td)

  ImtakirekkingonAnnapurnaon

  ourhoneymoon.

  Ikeishighlyamused.

  IKE

  Howromantic.

  MAGGIE

  (sharply)

  Wethinkso.

  IKE

  Nothinglikesharingyournuptialbed

  withtwoSherpasandayak.

  Waltercracksup,MaggieshootsIkealook.Hesmilesback.

  CUTTO:

  INT.IKESHOTELROOM/INT.FISHERANDELLIESBEDROOM(NYC)

  ITELEPHONEVERSATION

  FisherandEllieareexerg.Fisherisonacyclemae.

  Elliedoesyogastretches.Ikesitsbathecouch,putson

  hisglassesandwatchesavideotapedweddingplayingoV

  s.Superimposedtitlesread"BrianNorriswedding."

  IKE

  (toFisher;intophone)

  YouwontbelievewhatImlookingat,

  Fisher.Avideotapeofallthreetrain

  wrecks.

  THETV-CLOSE

  TwoflirlsandPeggyenteracrowdedchurchwherethe

  groom,Brian,andhisbestmanwaitatthealtar.

  NowweseeMaggieedowntheaisle,thenastthealtar.

  WeseeMaggiemoveawayanotheraisleandoutofthechurch.

  SHOCKEDWEDDISriseinhorror,assherunsfromthis

  firstwedding.Shedragsthetrainboyupthesedaisleas

  sheleaves.Ikehangsup.Hegetsuptopickuptheremoteand

  thensitsbackdowntowatch.

  Thetapefast-forwardstothewedding.NowIkeislooking

  atamuchmorerelaxed,hipper,backyardwedding.Itsays,

  "GillChavezWedding".Hehitsthefast-forwardbutton

  (sometimesslowingdown).

  ONTV:

  WeseetheCarpentersbackyard.ItisGillandMaggies

  weddingday.TheyardiscrowdedwithaMIXTUREofHells

  Aypes,Deadheadsandtownspeople.The"altar"isaband

  platfainstthebace.

  Gilliswaitingoformwitharoboplaying

  GratefulDead-typemusic.Hemakesanintroductoryspeech.

  Maggiestepsoutontothebackporch.Shesbeautifulina

  hippie-typeweddingensemble.Shewalkswithherfathertoa

  trampoline.Weseehertattoo.Shejumpsorampoline,

  theothecrowd.Theywatchherandbodysurfher

  overtheirheadstothebace.

  Asshehitsthestage,shelooksatPeggyandGill,thendecides

  togo.ShejumpsoffthestageandrunsuptoapassingGUYon

  adirtbike.Shejumpsonandturnsandwavesassherides

  away.Duringthevideo,Ikescribbles:"GillChavez".Maggie

  goesoffondirtbike.Thetapefast-forwardstothelastgiesfiascoes.

  OV

  Hehethirdwedding.Itsoutdoors,inatreelined

  area,MUSISplays.IkelaughsashediscoversthatMaggie

  approachesthealtaronhorsebaasimplewhitedress,

  wearingaofflowers.TheMaidMarianlook.Ikeslowsthe

  tape.

  ONTV:ITSAYS,"GEESWILLINGWEDDING".

  AsMaggieridesdowntheaisle,suddenlythehorsewhinnies!

  Maggiehaskickeditintheshins.Itrearsandbolts,

  gallopingoffwiththebride.IkeFREEZEFRAMESthetapeonan

  imageofMaggie,hairblowing.Althoughsheispanic-stri,

  hersoulseemstoshihroughintatsingleframe.AsIke

  staresather,thesmirkfadesfromhisface.Hejustlooksat

  her,allowinghimselftoseeherexpression,hereyes.Het

  helpit.

  Shegetstohim.Ikegetsarestlesslookonhisface.He

  staresclosely.ThegroomisGeefromthebar.

  IKE

  Kamikaze!

  CUTTO:

  EXT.TETROUTBAKERY-THEDAY

  Establishing.HighanglewideshotofabakeryinHale.Ike

  exitsaneighbshopandwalksdowntheblock.Hepausesin

  frontofthebakerytotakealookatMaggiestruck.Ashe

  does,amiddle-agedBlaANwalksbyandwhackshimwitha

  neer.Ikeisstunnedasshewalksoff.HeturnstoaMAN

  sittingonabench.

  IKE

  Didyouseethat?

  CUTTO:

  INT.THETROUTBAKERY-TINUOUS

  CLOSEONagroupofplastisandbridesonatertop.

  MRS.TROUTisbehindtheterhelpingMaggiewithasele

  ofgroomsforherweddingcake.Thegroomfiguresarespreadout

  ontheter.Allsizesandcolors,someattachedtobrides,

  somesolo,sometuxes,someindinnerjackets.

  MRS.TROUT

  Thisonesverypopular,butoh,youve

  usedthisonebefore...Brian.ButI

  likethewhitedinnerjacket.

  MAGGIE

  No,hesnogood.Tooblond.

  MRS.TROUT

  (picksupanother)

  Wellgowithtotaltraditional.

  MAGGIE

  Toodark.

  Then,Ikeesupbehindherasshediscardsanroom.

  IKE

  ButhesgottheBobsterseyes.

  MaggiegesatthesoundofIkesvoice.

  IKE(td)

  No--theBobsterseyesarecloserset.

  Sheignoreshimandtinueshersearch.

  IKE(td)

  (toMrs.Trout)

  CouldIhavetwocoffees,please?And

  whatisthatwonderfulsmell?

  (seeingthe

  amonrolls)

  Illhavetwoofthosedelicious

  lookingamonrolls.

  MRS.TROUT

  Sure.

  (pigupa

  miniaturebride)

  Here,Maggie.Ithinkthismakesthe

  bestyou.

  Mrs.Troutstepsawaytogethisorder.Ikemovestotheother

  sideofMaggieandpicksupthebrideandgroomfigure.

  IKE

  Letssee...Excuseme,isntthatcute?

  Ahh...

  Hemakesthebridefigurerepeatedlyknockthegroomfigurein

  theheadandrunawayscreaming.

  IKE(td)

  Bam,bam,bam,bam,bam!Oh,helpme!

  Helpme!Yup!Thatsherallright.

  Mrs.Troutjustaboutburstsagutlaughing.Maggietakesthe

  bridefromIkecoldly.

  MRS.TROUT

  YoumustbethatMr.Grahamfellow.

  Iketurnsaoher.

  IKE

  Yes,Iam.Andwhoareyou?

  MRS.TROUT

  BettyTrout.Fivedollars.

  IKE

  (ashepays)

  Oh,Betty.Itakeityoingto

  bemakingtheweddingcakeandtheysay

  yourethrowing--

  MRS.TROUT

  (interrupting)

  --Theluaufie.

  Shestartspiglintoffhissleeveandbuttonshiscuff.

  MAGGIE

  (allsmilesfor

  Mrs.Trout)

  Grandmamademethecutestoutfit.I

  twaittoshowittoyou.

  IKE

  (icaldelight)

  Apre-weddingluau?

  MRS.TROUT

  Yes.MyhusbandandIloveluaus.

  Itllbefun.

  Mrs.TroutturnsandgrabsIkesbagtainingtwocoffees.

  IKE

  Fun?Funisnttheword.

  Mrs.Troutbeams.Maggieuandshisansweralittlebetter.

  Mrs.TrouthandsIkehisitemsandhepays.

  MRS.TROUT

  Ifyourestillintown,youshould

  stopby.

  MAGGIE

  No,Imsurehedoesnt.

  IKE

  (toMrs.Trout)

  Actually,Iwouldlovetoe.

  (tapsherservicebell)

  Thankyou.Thankyousomuch.

  Maggiestepsover,carryingherbrideandgroomfigurechoices.

  MAGGIE

  (exasperated)

  Isthatwhatyoingtodonow?

  FollowmearoundeverywhereIgo?

  IkesmilesatMaggieenigmaticallyashepicksuphisorderand

  headsforthedoor.

  IKE

  No.

  Hestartstoleavewithhisbag.Mrs.Troutstopshim.

  MRS.TROUT

  (handinghimthe

  )

  Yourtwoamonrolls.

  IKE

  Bye,Betty.Thanks.

  Heleaves.

  MAGGIE

  Hesnotaniceperson.

  MaggiehandsMrs.Troutherbrideandbroomfigures.Maggie

  looksatMrs.Trout,suddenlynervous.Shedashesout.Mrs.

  TroutimitatesIkebammingthebrideandgroom,laughing.

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