Noah

  Shereadtheletteragain,moreslowlythistime,theathirdtimebeforesheputitbatotheenvelope.Oncemore,sheimaginedhimwritingit,andforamomentshedebatedreadinganother,butsheknewshecouldntdelayanylonger.Lonwaswaitingforher.

  Herlegsfeltweakasshesteppedoutofthecar.Shepausedandtookadeepbreath,andasshestartedacrosstheparkinglot,sherealizedshestillwasntsurewhatshewasgoingtosaytohim.AndtheanswerdidntfinallyeuntilshereachedthedoorandopeandsawLonstandinginthelobby.

  Thestoryendsthere,soIclosethenotebook,removemyglasses,andwipemyeyes.Theyaretiredandbloodshot,buttheyhavenotfailedmesofar.Theywillsoon,Iamsure.hertheynorIgoonforever.IlooktohernowthatIhavefinished,butshedoesnotlookbasteadsheisstaringoutthewindowatthecourtyard,wherefriendsandfamilymeet.

  Myeyesfollowhers,achittogether.Inalltheseyearsthedailypatternhasnotged.Everym,anhourafterbreakfast,theybegintoarrive.Youngadults,aloneorwithfamily,etovisitthosewholivehere.Theybringphotographsandgiftsahersitonthebenchesorstrollaloree-lihsdesigogiveasenseofnature.Somewillstayfortheday,butmostleaveafterafewhours,aheydo,Ialwaysfeelsadnessforthosetheyveleftbehind.Iwondersometimeswhatmyfriendsthinkastheyseetheirlovedonesdrivingoff,butIknowitsnotmybusiness.AndIdonoteveraskthembecauseIvelearhatwereallentitledtohaveoursecrets.Butsoon,Iwilltellyousomeofmine.

  Iplacethenotebookandmaghetablebesideme,feelingtheamybonesasIdoso,andIrealizeonceagainhowybodyis.Evenreadinginthemsuhingtohelpit.Thisdoesnotsurprisemeanymore,though,formybodymakesitsowhesedays.

  Imnotpletelyunfortunate,however.Thepeoplewhoworkhereknowmeandmyfaultsanddotheirbesttomakememorefortable.Theyhaveleftmehotteaoable,andIreachforitwithbothhands.Itisanefforttopouracup,butIdosobecausetheteaisowarmmeandIthinktheexertionwillkeepmefrompletelyrustingaway.ButIamrustednow,nodoubtaboutit.RustedasajunkedcartwentyyearsintheEverglades(wetlandsregioninsouthernFlorida).

  Ihavereadtoherthism,asIdoeverym,becauseitissomethingImustdo.Notforduty-althoughIsupposeacasecouldbemadeforthis-butforanother,moreromantic,reason.IwishIcouldexplainitmorefullyrightnow,butitsstillearly,andtalkingaboutromareallypossiblebeforelunymore,atleastnotforme.Besides,Ihavenoideahowitsgoingtoturnout,andtobeho,Idrathermyhopesup.

  Wespendeadeverydaytogethernow,buthtsarespentalohedoctorstellmethatImnotallowedtoseeherafterdark.Iuandthereasonspletely,andthoughIagreewiththem,Isometimesbreaktherules.Lateatnightwhenmymoht,Iwillsneakfrommyroomandgotohersandwatchherwhileshesleeps.

  Ofthissheknowsnothing.Illeinandseeherbreatheandknowthathaditnotbeenforher,Iwouldneverhavemarried.AndwhenIlookatherface,afaowbetterthanmyown,IknowthatIhavemeantasmuoretoher.AndthatmeansmoretomethanIcouldeverhopetoexplain.

  Sometimes,whenIamstandingthere,IthinkabouthowluckyIamtohavebeenmarriedtoherforalmostforty-nineyears.monthitwillbethatlong.Sheheardmeshefirstforty-five,butsihenwehavesleptinseparaterooms.Idonotsleepwellwithouther.Itossandturnandyearnforherwarmthaheremostofthenight,eyesopegtheshadowsdanceacrosstheceilingsliketumbleweedsrollingacrossthedesert.IsleeptwohoursifIamlucky,andstillIwakebeforedawn.Thismakesome.

  Soon,thiswillallbeover.Iknowthis.Shedoesnot.Theentriesinmydiaryhavebeeshorterandtakelittletimetowrite.

  Ikeepthemsimplenow,siofmydaysarethesame.ButtonightIthinkIwillcopyapoemthatohenursesfoundformeandthoughtIwouldenjoy.Itgoeslikethis:

  Ineerwasstruckbeforethathour

  Withlovesosuddenandsosweet,

  Herfaceitbloomedlikeasweetflower

  Andstolemyheartawayplete.

  Becauseoureveningsareourown,Ihavebeeovisittheothers.UsuallyIdo,forIamthereaderandIamneeded,orsoIamtold.IwalkthehallsandchoosewheretogobecauseIamtoooldtodevotemyselftoaschedule,butdeepdownIalwaysknowwhoneedsme.Theyaremyfriends,andwhenIpushopentheirdoors,Iseeroomsthatlooklikemine,alwayssemi-darkened,illuminatedonlybythelightsofWheelofFortune(抓阄转轮televisiongameshram)andVanh.Thefurnitureisthesameforeveryone,aVsblarebecausenoonehearwellanymore.

  Menorwomen,theysmileatmewheerandspeakinwhispersastheyturnofftheirsets."Imsogladyouvee,"theysay,aheyaskaboutmywife.

  SometimesItellthem.Imighttellthemofhersweetnessandhercharmanddescribehowshetaughtmetoseetheworldforthebeautifulplaceitis.OrItellthemofourearlyyearstogetherandexplainhowwehadallweneededwhenweheldeachotheruarrysouthernskies.OnspecialoccasionsIwhisperofouradveogether,ofartshowsinNewYorkandParisortherave(extremelypositiverevieworcritique)reviewsfromcriticswritinginlanguagesIdonotuand.Mostly,though,Ismileahemthatsheisthesame,aurnfromme,forIknowtheydonotwaoseetheirfaces.Itremindsthemoftheirownmortality.SoIsitwiththemaolessentheirfears.

  Beposed-beateasewithme...

  NottillthesunexcludesyoudoIexcludeyou,

  Nottillthewatersrefusetoglistenforyouandtheleavestorustleforyou,

  Domywordsrefusetoglistenandrustleforyou.

  AoletthemknowwhoIam.

  Iwanderallnightinmyvision,bendingwithopeneyesovertheshuteyesofsleepers,wanderingandfused,losttomyself,ill-assorted,tradictory,pausing,gazing,bending,andstopping.

  Ifshecould,mywifewouldapanymeonmyeveningexcursions,foroneofhermanylovesoetry.Thomas,Whitma,Shakespeare,andKingDavidofthePsalms.Loversofwords,makersoflanguage.

  Lookingback,Iamsurprisedbymypassionforit,andsometimesIeveitnow.Poetrybringsgreatbeautytolife,butalsogreatsadness,andImnotsureitsafairexgeforsomeonemyage.Amanshouldenjoyotherthingsifhe;heshouldspendhisfinaldaysinthesun.Minewillbespentbyareadinglamp.

  Ishuffletowardherandsitinthechairbesideherbed.MybackacheswhenIsit.Imustgetanewcushionforthischair,Iremindmyselfforthehuime.

  Ireachforherhandandtakeit,bonyandfragile.Itfeelsnice.Sherespondswithatwitdgraduallyherthumbbeginstosoftlyrubmyfinger.Idonotspeakuntilshedoes;thisIhavelearned.MostdaysIsitinsileilthesungoesdown,andondayslikethoseIknownothingabouther.

  Minutespassbeforeshefinallyturnstome.Sheisg.Ismileandreleaseherhand,thenreamypocket.Itakeoutahandkerchiefandwipeathertears.ShelooksatmeasIdoso,andIwonderwhatsheisthinking.

  "Thatwasabeautifulstory."

  Alightrainbeginstofall.Littledropstapgentlyonthewindow.Itakeherhandagain.Itisgoingtobeagoodday,averygoodday.Amagicalday.Ismile,Ithelpit.

  "Yes,itis,"Itellher.

  "Didyouwriteit?"sheasks.Hervoiceislikeawhisper,alightwindflowingthoughtheleaves.

  "Yes,"Ianswer.

  Sheturnstowardthenightstand(nighttable,smallbedsidetable).Hermedieisinalittlecup.Mioo.Littlepills,colorslikearainboontfettotakethem.Theybringmineherenow,toherroom,eventhoughtheyrenotsupposedto.

  "Ivehearditbefore,haventI?

  "Yes,"Isayagain,justasIdoeverytimeondayslikethese.Ihavelearobepatient.

  Shestudiesmyface.Hereyesareasgreenasowaves.

  "Itmakesmefeellessafraid,"shesays.

  "Iknow."Inod,rogmyheadsoftly.

  Sheturnsaway,andIwaitsomemore.Shereleasesmyhandandreachesforherwaterglass.Itishtstaothemedie.Shetakesasip.

  "Isitatruestory?"Shesitsupalittleinherbedandtakesanother,drink.Herbodyisstillstrong."Imean,didyouknowthesepeople?"

  "Yes,"Isayagain.Icouldsaymore,butusuallyIdont.Sheisstillbeautiful.

  Sheaskstheobvious:"Well,whiedidshefinallymarry?"

  Ianswer:"Theonewhhtforher."

  "Whiewasthat?"

  Ismile."Youllknow,"Isayquietly,"bytheendoftheday.Youllknow."

  Shedoesnotknowwhattothinkaboutthisbutdoesnotquestioher.Insteadshebeginstofidget.Sheisthinkingofawaytoaskmeanotherquestion,thoughsheisntsurehowtodoit.Insteadshechoosestoputitoffforamomentandreachesforohelittlepapercups."Isthismine?"

  "No,thisoneis,"andIreachoverandpushhermedietowardher.Iotgrabitwithmyfingers.Shetakesitandlooksatthepills.Itellbythewaysheislookingatthemthatshehasnoideawhattheyarefor.Iusebothhandstopickupmyddumpthepillsintomymouth.Shedoesthesame.Thereisnofighttoday.Thatmakesiteasy.Iraisemyamocktoastandwashthegrittyflavorfrommymouthwithmytea.Itisgettingcolder.Sheswallowsonfaithandwashesthemdownwithmorewater.

  Abirdstartstosingoutsidethewindow,ahturnourheads.Wesitquietlyforawhile,enjoyingsomethiifultogether.Thenitislost,andshesighs."Ihavetoaskyousomethingelse,"shesays.

  "Whateveritis,Illtrytoanswer."

  "Itshard,though."

  Shedoesnotlookatme,andIotseehereyes.Thisishowshehidesherthoughts.

  Somethingsneverge.

  "Takeyourtime,"Isay.Iknowwhatshewillask.

  Finallysheturnstomeandlooksintomyeyes.Sheentlesmile,thekindyousharewithachild,notalover.

  "Idontwanttohurtyourfeelingsbecauseyouvebeensoome,but..."

  Iwait.Herwordswillhurtme.Theywilltearapieyheartandleaveascar.

  "Whoareyou?"

  WehavelivedatCreeksideExtendedCareFacilityforthreeyearsnow.Itwasherdecisiontoehere,partlybecauseitwasnearourhome,butalsobecauseshethoughtitwouldbeeasierforme.Weboardedupourhomebecauseherofuscouldbeartosellit,signedsomepapers,andjustlikethatwereceivedaplacetoliveanddieinexgeforsomeofthefreedomforwhichwehadworkedalifetime.

  Shewasrighttodothis,ofcourse.ThereisnowayIcouldhavemadeitalone,forsiesshasetous,bothofus.Weareinthefinalmihedayofourlives,andtheclockistig.Loudly.IwonderifIamtheonlyonewhohearit.

  Athrobbingpaincoursesthroughmyfingers,anditremiwehavenotheldhandswithfingersinterlockedsincewemovedhere.Iamsadaboutthis,butitismyfault,nothers.Itisarthritisintheworstform,rheumatoid风湿症andadvanced.Myhandsaremisshapenandgrotesquenow,ahrmostofmywakinghours.Ilookatthemandwantthemgone,amputated,butthenIwouldnotbeabletodothelittlethingsImustdo.SoIusemyclaws,asIcallthemsometimes,andeverydayItakeherhaethepain,andIdomybesttoholdthembecausethatiswhatshewaodo.

  AlthoughtheBiblesaysmanlivetobe120,Idontwantto,andIdontthinkmybodywouldmakeitevenifIdid.Itisfallingapart,dyingoatime,steadyerosionontheinsideandatthejoints.Myhandsareuseless,mykidneysarebeginningtofail,andmyheartrateisdecreasingeverymonth.Worse,Ihaveceragain,thistimeoftheprostate前列腺.Thisismythirdboutwiththeunseenenemy,anditwilltakemeeventually,thoughnottillIsayitistime.Thedoctorsareworriedaboutme,butIamnot.Ihavenotimeforworryinthistwilightofmylife.

  Ofourfivechildren,fourarestillliving,andthoughitishardforthemtovisit,theyeoften,andforthisIamthankful.Buteveheyareheyealiveinmymindeveryday,eachofthem,andtheybringtomindthesmilesahatewithraisingafamily.Adozenpictureslihewallsofmyroom.Theyaremyheritage,mytributiontotheworld.Iamveryproud.SometimesIwonderwhatmywifethinksofthemasshedreams,orifshethinksofthematall,orifsheevendreams.ThereissomuchaboutherIdontuandanymore.

  Iwonderwhatmydaddywouldthinkofmylifeandwhathewoulddoifhewereme.

  Ihavenotseenhimforfiftyyearsandheisnowbutashadowinmythoughts.Iotpicturehimclearlyanymore;hisfaceisdarkenedasifalightshinesfrombehindhim.Iamnotsureifthisisduetoafailingmemoryorsimplythepassageoftime.Ihaveonlyoureofhim,andthistoohasfaded.InaenyearsitwillbegoneandsowillI,andhismemorywillbeerasedlikeamessageinthesand.Ifnotformydiaries,IwouldswearIhadlivedonlyhalfaslongasIhave.

  Longperiodsofmylifeseemtohavevanished.AndevennowIreadthepassagesandwonderhenIwrotethem,forIembertheeventsofmylife.TherearetimesIsitandwonderwhereitallhasgone.

  "Myname,"Isay,"isDuke."IhavealwaysbeenaJohnWaynefan.

  "Duke,"shewhisperstoherself,"Duke."Shethinksforamoment,herforeheadwrinkled,hereyesserious.

  "Yes,"Isay,"Imhereforyou."Andalwayswillbe,Ithinktomyself.

  Sheflusheswithmyanswer.Hereyesbeewetandred,andtearsbegintofall.

  Myheartachesforher,andIwishforthethousandthtimethattherewassomethingIcoulddo.

  Shesays:"Imsorry.Idontuandanythingthatshappeningthtnow.Evenyou.WhenIlistentoyoutalkIfeellikeIshouldknowyou,butIdont.Idontevenknowmyname."

  Shewipesathertearsandsays,"Helpme,Duke,helpmerememberwhoIam.Oratleast,whoIwas.Ifeelsolost."

  Ianswerfrommyheart,butIlietoherabouthername.AsIhaveaboutmyown.Thereisareasonforthis.

  "YouareHannah,aloveroflife,astrengthtothosewhosharedinyourfriendships.

  "Youareadream,acreatorofhappiness,anartistwhohastouchedathousandsouls.

  "Youveledafulllifeandwantedfornothingbecauseyourneedsarespiritualandyouhaveonlytolookinsideyou.Youarekindandloyal,andyouareabletoseebeautywhereothersdonot.Youareateacherofwonderfullessons,adreamerofbetterthings."

  Istopforamomentandcatchmybreath.Then,"Hannah,thereisnoreasontofeellost,for:

  Nothingiseverreallylost,orbelost,Nobirth,identity,form-noobjectoftheworld,Norlife,norfororanyvisiblething;...

  Thebody,sluggish,aged,cold-theembersleftfromearlierfires,...shalldulyflameagain;"

  ShethinksaboutwhatIhavesaidforamoment.Inthesilence,Ilooktowardthewindowandnoticethattherainhasstoppednow.Sunlightisbeginningtofilterintoherroom.

  Sheasks:"Didyouwritethat?"

  "No,thathitman."

  "Who?"

  "Aloverofwords,ashaperofthoughts."

  Shedoesnotresponddirectly.Insteadshestaresatmeforalongwhile,untilourbreathingcides.In.Out.In.Out.In.Out.Deepbreaths.IwonderifsheknowsIthinkshesbeautiful.

  "Wouldyoustaywithmeawhile?"shefinallyasks.

  Ismileandnod.Shesmilesback.Shereachesformyhand,takesitgently,andpullsittoherwaist.Shestaresatthehardenedknotsthatdeformmyfingersandcaressesthemgently.Herhandsarestillthoseofanangel.

  "e,"IsayasIstandwithgreateffort,"letsgoforawalk.Theairiscrispandthegoslings(babygoose)arewaiting.Itsbeautifultoday."IamstaringatherasIsaytheselastfewwords.

  Sheblushes.Itmakesmefeelyoungagain.

  Shewasfamous,ofcourse.Ohebestsouthernpaintersofthetwehtury,somesaid,andIwas,andam,proudofher.

  Unlikeme,whledtowriteeventhesimplestofverses,mywifecouldcreatebeautyaseasilyastheLordcreatedtheearth.Herpaintingsareinmuseumsaroundtheworld,butIhavekeptonlytwoformyself.Thefirstonesheevergavemeaoheyhanginmyroom,andlateatnightIsitandstareandsometimescrywhenIlookatthem.Idontknowwhy.

  Andsotheyearspassed.Weledourlives,w,painting,raisingchildren,lovingeachother.IseephotosofChristmases,familytrips,ofgraduationsandofweddings.

  Iseegrandchildrenandhappyfaces.Iseephotosofus,ourhairgrowingwhiter,thelinesinourfacesdeeper.Alifetimethatseemssotypical,yetunon.

  Wecouldnotforeseethefuture,butthenwho?IdonotlivenowasIexpectedto.AndwhatdidIexpect?Retirement.Visitswiththegrandchildren,perhapsmoretravel.Shealwayslovedtotravel.IthoughtthatperhapsIwouldstartahobby,whatIdidnotknow,butpossiblyshipbuilding.Inbottles.Small,detailed,impossibletosidernowwithmyhands.ButIamnotbitter.

  Ourlivestbemeasuredbyourfinalyears,ofthisIamsure,andIguessIshouldhaveknownwhatlayaheadinourlives.Lookingback,Isupposeitseemsobvious,butatfirstIthoughtherfusioandableandnotunique.Shewouldfetwheresheplacedherkeys,butwhohasnotdo?Shewouldfetaneighborsnotsomeoneweknewwelloresocialized.Sometimesshewouldwritethewrongyearwhenshemadeoutherchecks,butagainIdismisseditassimplemistakesthatonemakeswhenthinkingofotherthings.ItwasnotuntilthemoreobviouseventsoccurredthatIbegantosuspecttheworst.

  Anironinthefreezer,clothesinthedishwasher,booksintheoven.Otherthings,too.ButthedayIfouhecarthreeblocksaway,goverthesteeringwheelbecauseshecouldntfindherwayhomewasthefirstdayIwasreallyfrightened.

  Andshewasfrighteoo,forwhenItappedonherwindow,sheturomeandsaid,"OhGod,whatshappeningtome?Pleasehelpme."Aknottwistedinmystomach,butIdarednotthinktheworst.

  Sixdayslaterthedoetwithherandbeganaseriesoftests.IdidnotuahenandIdonotuandthemnow,butIsupposeitisbecauseIamafraidtoknow.ShespentalmostanhourwithDr.Barnwell,abacktheday.

  ThatdaywasthelodayIeverspent.IlookedthroughmagazinesIcouldnotreadandplayedgamesIdidnotthinkabout.Finallyhecalledusbothintohisoffidsatusdown.Sheheldmyarmfidently,butIrememberclearlythatmyownhandswereshaking.

  "Imsosorrytohavetotellyouthis,"Dr.Barnwellbegan,"butyouseemtobeintheearlystagesofAlzheimers..."

  Mymiblank,andallIcouldthinkaboutwasthelightthatglowedaboveourheads.

  ThewordsechoediheearlystagesofAlzheimers...

  Myworldspunincircles,ahergriptightenonmyarm.Shewhispered,almosttoherself:"Oh,Noah...Noah..."

  Andasthetearsstartedtofall,thewordcamebaeagain:...Alzheimers...

  Itisabarrendisease,asemptyandlifelessasadesert.Itisathiefofheartsandsoulsandmemories.Ididnotknowwhattosaytoherasshesobbedonmybosom,soIsimplyheldherandrockedherbadforth.

  Thedrim.Hewasagoodman,andthiswashardforhim.Hewasyouhanmyyou,amyageinhispresence.Mymindwasfused,mylovewasshaking,andtheonlythingIcouldthinkwas:

  Nodrowningmanowwhichdropofwaterhislastbreathdidstop;...

  Awisepoetswords,yettheybroughtmenofort.IdontknowwhattheymeantorwhyIthoughtofthem.

  Werockedtoandfro,andAllie,mydream,mytimelessbeauty,toldmeshewassorry.

  Ikherewasnothingtive,andIwhisperedinherear."Everythingwillbefine,"Iwhispered,butinsideIwasafraid.Iwasahollowmanwithnothingtooffer,emptyasajuovepipe(火炉的烟囱).

  IrememberonlybitsandpiecesofDr.Barnwellstinuingexplanation.

  "Itsadegeivebraindisorderaffegmemoryandpersonality...thereisnocureortherapy...Theresnowaytotellhowfastitwillprogress..,itdiffersfrompersontoperson...IwishIknewmore...Somedayswillbebetterthanothers…Itwillgrowworsewiththepassageoftime…Imsorrytobetheonewhohastotellyou…"

  Imsorry...

  Imsorry...

  Imsorry...

  Everyonewassorry.Mychildrenwerebrokeed,myfriendswerescaredforthemselves.

  IdontrememberleaviorsoffidIdontrememberdrivinghome.

  Mymemoriesofthatdayaregone,andinthismywifeandIarethesame.

  Ithasbeenfouryearsnow.Sihenwehavemadethebestofit,ifthatispossible.

  Allieanized,aswasherdisposition.Shemadearraoleavethehouseandmovehere.Sherewroteherwillandsealedit.Sheleftspecificburialinstrus,ainmydesk,iomdrawer.Ihavehem.Andwhenshewasfinished,shebegantowrite.Letterstofriendsandchildreerstobrothersandsistersandcousierstonieephews,andneighbors.Aertome.

  IreaditsometimeswhenIaminthemood,andwhenIdo,IamremindedofAllieoncoldwinterevenings,seatedbyarfirewithaglassofwiherside,readiersIhadwrittentoherovertheyears.Shekeptthem,theseletters,andnowIkeepthem,forshemademepromisetodoso.ShesaidIwouldknowwhattodowiththem.Shewasright;IfindIenjoyreadingbitsandpiecesofthemjustassheusedto.Theyintrigueme,theseletters,forwhenIsiftthroughthemIrealizethatromandpassionarepossibleatanyage.IseeAllienowandknowIveneverlovedhermore,butasIreadtheletters,IetouandthatIhavealwaysfeltthesameway.

  Ireadthemlastthreeeveningsago,longafterIshouldhavebeenasleep.Itwasalmosttwooclockwheothedeskandfouackofletters,thidtallahered.Iuheribbon,itselfalmosthalfaturyold,andfouershermotherhadhiddensolongagoandthosefromafterward.Alifetimeofletters,lettersprofessingmylove,lettersfrommyheart.Iglahroughthemwithasmileonmyface,pigandchoosing,andfinallyopenedaletterfromourfirstanniversary.

  Ireada:

  WhenIseeyounow-movingslowlywithnewlifegrowinginsideyou-Ihopeyouknowhowmueantome,andhowspecialthisyearhasbeen.Nomanismoreblessedthanme,andIloveyouwithallmyheart.

  Iputitaside,siftedthroughthestadfoundahisfromacoldeveningthirty-nineyearsago.

  Sittioyou,whileouryoudaughtersangoff-keyintheschoolChristmasshow,Ilookedatyouandsaridethatesonlytothosewhofeeldeeplyintheirhearts,andIkhatnomancouldbemoreluckythanme.

  Andafteroursoheonewhoresembledhismother...Itwasthehardesttimeweeverwentthrough,andthewordsstillringtruetoday:

  IntimesofgriefandsorrowIwillholdyouandrockyou,andtakeyriefandmakeitmyown.Whenyoucry,Icry,andwhenyouhurt,Ihurt.Andtogetherwewilltrytoholdbackthefloodsoftearsanddespairandmakeitthroughthepotholed(holeintheground/surfaceofaroad)streetsoflife.

  Ipauseforjustamoment,rememberinghim.Hewasfouryearsoldatthetime,justababy.Ihavelivedtwentytimesaslongashe,butifasked,Iwouldhavetradedmylifeforhis.Itisaterriblethingtooutliveyourchild,atragedyIwishuponnoone.

  Idomybesttokeepthetearsaway,siftthroughsomemoretoclearmymind,andfifromourtwehanniversary,somethingmucheasiertothinkabout:

  WhenIseeyou,mydarling,inthembeforeshowersorinyourstudiocoveredwithpaintwithhairmattedandtiredeyes,Iknowthatyouarethemostbeautifulwomanintheworld.

  Theywenton,thiscorrespondenceoflifeandlove,andIreaddozensmore,somepainful,mostheartwarming.BythreeoclockIwastired,butIhadreachedthebottomofthestack.Therewasoerremaining,thelastoneIwroteher,andbythenIknewIhadtokeepgoing.

  Iliftedthesealandremovedbothpages.Iputthesedpageasideandmovedthefirstpageierlightaoread:

  MydearestAllie,Theporchissilentexceptforthesoundsthatfloatfromtheshadows,andforonceIamatalossforwords.Itisastrangeexperiene,forwhenIthinkofyouandthelifewehaveshared,thereismuember.Alifetimeofmemories.Buttoputitintowords?IdonotknowifIamable.Iamnotapoet,aapoemisofullyexpressthewayIfeelaboutyou.

  Somyminddrifts,andIrememberthinkingaboutourlifetogetherasImadecoffeethism.Katewasthere,andsowasJane,ahbecamequietwhenIwalkedi.Isawtheydbeeng,andwithoutaword,Isatmyselfbesidethematthetableaheirhands.AnddoyouknowwhatIsawwhenIlookedatthem?Isawyoufromsolongago,thedaywesaidgood-bye.Theyresembleyouandhowyouweretheifulaiveandwouhthehurtthateswhehingspecialistakenaway.AndforareasonImnotsureIuand,Iwasinspiredtotellthemastory.

  IcalledJeffandDavidintothekit,fortheywerehereaswell,ahechildrenwereready,Itoldthemaboutusandhowyoucamebaesolongago.

  Itoldthemaboutourwalk,andthecrabdihekit,andtheylistehsmileswhentheyheardabouttheoeride,andsittinginfrontofthefirewiththestingoutside.ItoldthemaboutyourmotherwarningusaboutLoday-theyseemedassurprisedaswewere-andyes,Ieventoldthempeerthatday,afteryouwentbacktotown.

  Thatpartofthestoryhasneverleftme,evenafterallthistime.EventhoughIwasntthere,youdescribedittomeonlyondIremembermarvelingatthestrengthyoushowedthatday.IstillagiwasgoingthroughyourmindwhenyouwalkedintothelobbyandsawLon,orhowitmusthavefelttotalktohim.YoutoldmethatthetwoofyoulefttheinnandsatonabenchbytheoldMethodistchurdthatheheldyourhand,evenasyouexplaihatyoumuststay.

  Iknowyoucaredforhim.Andhisreaprovestomehecaredforyouaswell.

  No,hecouldnotuandlosingyou,buthowcouldhe?Evenasyouexplaihatyouhadalwayslovedme,andthatitwouldntbefairtohim,hedidnotreleaseyourhand.Iknowhewashurtandangr松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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