I AM RED
IappearedinGhazniwhenBookofKingspoetFirdusipletedthefinallineofaquatrainwiththemostintricateofrhymes,bestingthecourtpoetsofShahMahmud,whoridiculedhimasbeingnothingbutapeasant.IwasthereonthequiverofBookofKingsheroRüstemwheraveledfarandwideinpursuitofhismissingsteed;Ibecamethebloodthatspewedforthwhehenotoriousogreinhalfwithhiswondroussword;andIwasinthefoldsofthequiltuponwhichhemadefuriouslovewiththebeautifuldaughterofthekingwho’dreceivedhimasaguest.Verilyandtruly,I’vebeeneverywhereandameverywhere.IemergedasTurtraitorouslydecapitatedhisbrotherIraj;aslegendaryarmies,spectacularasadream,clashedoeppes;andasAlexander’slifebloodshimmeredbrightlyfromhishandsomeerhesufferedsunstroke.Yes,ShahBehramGürspenteverynightoftheweekwithadiffereybehdomescolorfromdistantlands,listeningtothestoryshereted,andIofitofthestrikingmaidenhevisitedonaTuesday,whosepicturehe’dfallenih,justasIappearedfromthetothecaftanofHüsrev,who’dfallenihShirin’spicture.Verily,Iwasvisibleuponthemilitarybannersofarmiesbesiegingfortresses,upoableclothsctablessetforfeasts,uponthevelvetcaftansofambassadorskissiofsultans,andwhereverthesword,whoselegendschildrenloved,icted.Yes,handsomealmond-eyedapprenticesappliedmewithelegantbrushestothickpaperfromHindustanandBukhara;IembellishedUshakcarpets,wallorion,thebsoffightingcocks,pomegrahefruitsoffabledlands,themouthofSataleatlihinpictureborders,thecurledembroideryos,flowersbarelyvisibletothenakedeyemadefortheartist’sownpleasure,blouseswornbystunningwomenwithoutstreteckswatgthestreetthroughopenshutters,thesour-cherryeyesofbirdstatuesmadeofsugar,thestogsofshepherds,thedawnsdescribedinlegendsandthecorpsesandwoundsofthousands,nay,tensofthousandsoflovers,warriorsandshahs.Iloveengaginginsesofwarwherebloodbloomslikepoppies;appearingoanofthemostprofitofbardslisteningtomusiatrysideoutingasprettyboysaspartakeofwine;Iloveilluminatingthewingsofahelipsofmaidens,thedeathwoundsofcorpsesandseveredheadsbespeckledwithblood.
Ihearthequestionuponyourlips:Whatisittobeacolor?
Coloristhetouchoftheeye,musictothedeaf,awordoutofthedarkness.BecauseI’velisteosoulswhispering—likethesusurrusofthewind—frombooktobookandobjecttoobjectfortensof
thousandsofyears,allowmetosaythatmytouchresemblesthetouchofangels.Partofme,theserioushalf,callsouttoyourvisionwhilethemirthfulhalfsoarsthroughtheairwithylances.
I’msofortuobered!I’mfiery.I’mstrong.IkakenotieandthatIotberesisted.
Idonotcealmyself:Forme,delicaifestsitselfherinweaknessnorinsubtlety,butthroughdeterminationandwill.So,Idrawattentiontomyself.I’mnotafraidofothercolors,shadows,crowdsorevenofloneliness.Howwonderfulitistocoverasurfacethatawaitsmewithmyownvictoriousbeing!WhereverI’mspread,Iseeeyesshine,passionsincrease,eyebrowsriseabeatsqui.Beholdhowwonderfulitistolive!Beholdhowwonderfultosee.Behold:Livingisseeing.Iameverywhere.Lifebeginswithaurnstome.HavefaithinwhatItellyou.
HushandlistentohowIdevelopedsuchamagnifitredtone.Amasterminiaturist,ainpaints,furiouslypouhebestvarietyofdriedredbeetlefromthehottestclimesofHindustanintoafinepowderusinghismortarale.Hepreparedfivedrachmasoftheredpowder,onedrachmaofsoapwortandahalfdrachmaoflotor.Heboiledthesoapwortinapottainingthreeokkasofwater.,hemixedthhlythelotorintothewater.Heletitboilforaslongasittooktodrinkanexcellentcupofcoffee.Asheenjoyedhiscoffee,Igreatientasachildabouttobeborn.Thecoffeehadclearedthemaster’smindandgivenhimtheeyesofajinn.Hespriheredpowderintothekettleandcarefullymixedthecowithohethiicksreservedforthistask.Iwasreadytobeegenuinered,buttheissueofmysistencywasofutmostimportaheliquidshouldn’tbepermittedtojustboilaway.Hedrewthetipofhisstirringstickacrossthenailofhisthumb(anyerwasabsolutelyuable).Oh,howexquisiteitistobered!Igracefullypaihatthumbnailwithoutrunningoffthesideinwateryhaste.Inshort,Iwastherightsistency,butIstilltainedsedimeookthepotoffthestoveandstraihroughapieceofcheesecloth,purifyingmeevenfurther.,heheatedmeupagain,bringioafrothyboiltwicemore.Afteraddingapinchofcrushedalum,heleftmetocool.
AfeassedandIsattherequietlyinthepan.Iicipationofbeingappliedtopages,ofbeingspreadeverywhereandontoeverything,sittingstilllikethatbrokemyheartandspirit.ItwasduringthisperiodofsileImeditateduponwhatitmeanttobered.
OnaPersiancity,asIwasbeingappliedbythebrushofanappreheembroideryonthesaddleclothofahorsethatablindminiaturisthaddraw,Ioverheardtwoblindmastershavinganargument:
“Becausewe’vespentourentirelivesardentlyandfaithfullywaspainters,naturally,we,whohavenowgoneblind,knowredandrememberwhatkindofcolorandwhatkindoffeelingitis,”saidtheonewho’dmadethehorsedrawingfrommemory.“But,whatifwe’dbeenbornblind?Howwouldwehavebeentrulyabletoprehendthisredthatourhandsomeapprenticeisusing?”
“Anexcellentissue,”theothersaid.“Butdonetthatcolorsarenotknown,butfelt.”
“Mydearmaster,explaiosomebodywhohasneverknownred.”
“Ifwetoucheditwiththetipofafiwouldfeellikesomethiweenironandcopper.Ifwetookitintoourpalm,itwouldburn.Ifwetastedit,itwouldbefull-bodied,likesaltedmeat.Ifwetookitbetweenourlips,itwouldfillourmouths.Ifwesmelledit,it’dhavethestofahorse.Ifitwereaflower,itwouldsmelllikeadaisy,notaredrose.”
OnehundredandtenyearsagoVeianartistrywashreatenoughthatourrulerswouldbotherthemselvesaboutit,andthelegendarymastersbelievedintheirowhodsasferventlyastheybelievedinAllah;therefore,theyregardedtheVeiahodofusingavarietyofredtonesforeveryordinaryswordwoundahemostonsackclothasakindofdisrespedvulgarityhardlyworthachuckle.Onlyaweakaantminiaturistwoulduseavarietyofredtoodepicttheredofacaftan,theyclaimed—shadowswerenotanexcuse.Besides,webelieveinonlyonered.
“Whatisthemeaningofred?”theblindminiaturistwho’ddrawnthehorsefrommemoryaskedagain.
“Themeaningofcoloristhatitistherebeforeusandweseeit,”saidtheother.“Redotbeexplaiohewhootsee.”
“TodenyGod’sexistence,victimsofSatanmaintainthatGodisnotvisibletous,”saidtheblindminiaturistwho’drehehorse.
“Yet,Heappearstothosewhosee,”saidtheothermaster.“ItisforthisreasonthattheKoranstatesthattheblindandtheseeiequal.”
Thehandsomeapprenticeeversodelicatelydabbedmeontothehorse’ssaddlecloth.Whatawonderfulsensationtofixmyfullness,powerandvigortothebladwhiteofawell-executedillustration:asthecat-hairbrushspreadsmeontothewaitingpage,Ibeedelightfullyticklish.Thereby,asIbringmycolortothepage,it’sasifIandtheworldto“Be!”Yes,thosewhootseewoulddenyit,butthetruthisIbefoundeverywhere.
I,SHEKUREBeforethechildrenawoke,IwroteBlackabriefellinghimtohurrytothehouseoftheHangedJeresseditintoHayriye’shandsothatshemightrushtoEsther.AsHayriyetooktheletter,shelookedintomyeyeswithmorefearlesshanusualdespitewwhatwastobeeofus;andI,whonolongerhadafathertofear,returnedherglarewithnewfoundtemerity.Thisexgewoulddetermioneofourrelationshipiure.Overthelasttwoyears,IsuspectedHayriyemightevenhaveachildbymyfather,andfettiatusasslave,maobeeladyofthehouse.Ivisitedmyunfortuher,respectfullykissinghisnowstiffenedhand,which,oddly,hadn’t
lostitssoftness.Ihidmyfather’sshoes,quiltedturbanandpurplecloak,thenexplaihechildreheyawokethattheirgrandfatherhadgotteerandhadleftfortheMustafaPashadistrictearlyinthem.
Hayriyereturnedfromhermerrand.Asshewaslayingoutthelowtableforbreakfast,andIlagaportionejaminthemiddleofit,IimaginedhowEstherwasnowcallingatBlack’sdoor.Thesnowhadstoppedandthesunhadbeguntoshine.
InthegardenoftheHangedJew,Ienteredafamiliarse.Theicicleshangingfromtheeavesandwindowgswerequicklyshrinking,andthegardenthatsmelledofmoldandrottingleaveswaseagerlyabsthesun.IfoundBlackwaitingiwhereI’dfirstseenhimlastnight—itseemedsolongago,asifweekshadpassed.Iraisedmyveilandsaid:
“Youbeglad,ifyoufeeltheurge.Myfather’sobjesanddoubtswillnotebetweenusanymore.Whileyouwerecraftilytryingtolayyourhandsonmeherelastnight,adevil-of-a-manbrokeintoouremptyhouseandmurderedmyfather.”
RatherthanwaboutBlack’srea,you’reprobablypuzzlingoverwhyIspokesocoldlyandsomewhatinsincerely.Idon’tquiteknowtheanswermyself.MaybeIthoughtI’dcryotherwise,provokingBlabraceme,andI’dbeeintimatewithhimsoohanIwanted.
“Hedestroyedourhomewithathhhatclearlyrevealsangerandhatred.Idon’tthinkhisworkisdoher,Idon’texpectthisdevilwillcalmlyretiretosomeernow.Hestolethefinalpicture.I’mcallingonyoutoprotectme—protectus—andkeepmyfather’sbookfromhim.Nowtellme,underwhatarraandditionswillyouseetooursafety?Thisiswhatwehavetoresolve.”
Hemadeauretospeak,butIeasilysilencedhimwithalook—asthoughthisweresomethingI’ddonetlesstimesbefore.
“Intheeyesofthejudge,itismyhusbandandhisfamilywhosucceedmyfatherasmyguardians.Thiswasthecaseevenbeforehisdeath,foracctothejudgemyhusbandisstillalive.ItwasonlybecauseHasaakeadvantageofmeduringhisolderbrother’sabsence,afailedassaultthatembarrassedmyfather-in-law,thatIwasallowedtoreturntomyfather’shomethoughnotofficiallyawidow.ButnowthatmyfatherisdeadandIamwithoutevenabrother,thereisionthatmyonlypossibleguardiansaremyhusband’sbrotherandmyfather-in-law.They’vealreadybeenschemingtohavemereturheirhome,cmyfather,andthreateningme.Oheyhearmyfatherisdead,theywoatetotakeofficialayonlyhopetopreventthisistocealmyfather’sdeath.Perhapsinvain,fortheymaybetheonesbehindthecrime.”
Atthatverymoment,athinbeamoflightgracefullyfilteredthroughthebrokenshuttersandfellbetweenBladme,illuminatingtheadustiheroom.
“Thisisn’ttheonlyreasonI’mhidingmyfather’sdeath,”Isaid,fixingmygazeintoBlack’seyes,inwhichIwasgladdeoseeattentivenessmorethanlove.“I’malsoafraidofbeinguoprovemywhereaboutsatthetimeofmyfather’smurder.Thoughshe’saslaveandherwhtbedisted,I’mafraidthatHayriyeisinvolvedinthesemaations,ifnotagaihenagainstmyfather’sbook.AndaslongasIremainwithoutaprotector,theannouofmyfather’smurder,whileinitiallysimplifyingmattersathome,mightwell,solelyforthereasonsI’veeed,causemegreatmisfortuherhand;forinstance,whatifHayriyeisawarethatmyfatherdidn’twaomarryyou?”
“Yourfatherdidn’twantyoutomarryme?”askedBlack.
“No,hedidn’t,hewasworriedthatyou’dtakemeawayfromhim.Sihere’snolongeranydangerofyoudoingsucheviltohim,let’sassumemydearunfortuherhasnofurtherobje.Doyouhaveany?”
“all,mydarling.”
“Fihen.Myguardianhasnoclaimsofmoneyoldonyou.Pleaseexcusetheimproprietyofmydiscussingmaritalcircumstanyownbehalf,butIhavecertainprerequisitesthatImust,unfortunately,explaintoyou.”
AsIfellsilentforawhile,Blacksaid,“Yes,”inamahatsuggestedanapologyforhishesitation.
“First,”Ibegan,“youmustswearbeforetwowithatifyoubehavebadlytowardmeinourmarriage,toadegreethatIfindunbearable,orifyoutakeasedwife,youwillgrantmeadivorcewithalimony.Sed,youmustswearbeforetwowithatifforwhateverreasonyouareabsentfromthehouseformorethanasix-monthperiodwithoutavisit,Iwillalsobegrantedadivorcewithalimony.Third,afterwearemarried,youwillofcoursemoveintomyhome;however,untilthevillainwhohasmurderedmyfatherhasbeencaughtoruntilyoufindhim—howI’dlovetotorturehimmyself!
—anduntilOurSultan’sbook,pleteduheguidanceofyourtalentsandefforts,hasbeenhonorablypreseoHim,youwillnotsharemybed.Fourth,youwilllovemysons,whodosharemybedwithme,asiftheywereyourownchildren.”
“Iagree.”
“Good.Ifalloftheobstaclesthatstillliebeforeusdisappearthisquickly,we’llsoonbewed.”
“Yes,wed,butnotinthesamebed.”
“Thefirststepismarriage,”Isaid.“Let’sseetothatfirst.Loveesaftermarriage.Don’tfet:Marriagedouseslove’sflame,leavingnothingbutabarrenandmelancholyblaess.Ofcourse,aftermarriage,loveitselfwillvanishanyway;buthappinessfillsthevoid.Still,therearethosehastyfools
whofallinlovebeforemarryingand,burningwithemotion,exhaustalltheirfeeling,believinglovetobethehighestgoalinlife.”
“What,then,isthetruthofthematter?”
“Thetruthiste.Loveandmarriagearebutameanstoobtainingit:ahusband,ahouse,children,abook.’tyouseethateveninmystate,withamissinghusbandandadeceasedfather,I’mbetteroffthanyouinyourisolation?I’ddiewithoutmysons,withwhomIspendmydayslaughing,tusslingandloving.Moreover,sinceyoulongformeeveninmypresentpredit,sinceyousecretlyachetospendthenightwithme—evenifnotinthesamebed—uhesameroofwithmyfather’sbodyandmyunrulychildren,you’repelledtolistenwithallyourhearttowhatInowhavetosay.”
“I’mlistening.”
“TherearevariouswaysthatImightsecureadivorce.Falsewitnessescouldswearthatbeforemyhusbaoncampaignessedhimgrantmeaditionaldivorce;forexample,thathe’dpledgedthatifhedidurnwithintwoyears,Ishouldbesideredfree.Or,moresimply,theymightswearthey’dseenmyhusband’scorpseinthefieldofbattle,gvariousvinganddescriptivedetails.Buttakingmyfather’sbodyandtheobjesofmyin-lawsintosideration,torelyonfalsewitnesseswouldbeanunsoundroceed,asnojudgeofanyintelligenceorcautionwouldbepersuaded.sideringthatmyhusbamewithoutalimonyandhasurnedfromwarforfouryears,evenjudgesofourHaneficreedcouldn’tgrantmeadivorce.Theüsküdarjudge,however,knowinghowthenumberofwomeninmysituationisincreasingeachday,ismoresympathetidso—withanodfromOurExcellencytheSultanandtheSheikhulislam—thejudgeoccasionallyallowshisproxyoftheShafücreedtoruleinhisplace,therebygrantingdivorcesleftandrighttowomenlikeme,includingditionsofalimony.Now,ifyoufindtwowitestifyopenlytomypredit,paythemoff,crosstheBosphoruswiththemtotheüsküdarside,arrahejudge,makiainthathisproxywillsitinforhimsothedivorcemightbegrantedbyvirtueofthewitnesses,registerthedivorthejudge’sledger,obtaiificatetestifyingtotheproceeding,obtainwrittenpermissionformyimmediateremarriage,andifyouaplishallofthisabacktothissideoftheBosphorusbytheafternoon,then—assumingnodifficultyinfindingapreacherwhomightmarryusthisevening—then,asmyhusband,youcouldspendthisnightwithmeandmychildren.Thereby,you’llalsospareusasleeplessnightofhearingineverycreakingofthehousethestepsofthatdevilishmurderer.Moreover,you’llsavemefromthewretessofbeingapoorunprotectedwomanwhenweannouhedeathofmyfatherinthem.”
“Yes,”saidBlackwithgoodhumorandsomewhatchildishly.“Yes.Iagreetomakeyoumine.”
YourememberhowolyIdeclaredIdidn’tknoasspeakingtoBlasuchahigh-handedandinsinceremanner.NowIknow:I’veetorealizethatonlybyassumingsuightIvinceBlack—whohasyettooutgrowhischildhoodmuddle-headedobelieveinthepossibilityofeventsthatevenIhaveahardtimebelievingwilletopass.
“Wehavealottodoinfightingourehosewhowouldobstructthepletionofmyfather’sbookandthosewhocouldtestmydivordourmarriageceremony—whichwillbeperformedtonight,Godwilling.ButIsupposeIshouldn’tfurtherfuseyou,sinceyouarealreadyevenmorefusedthanI.”
“Youaren’tfusedatall,”saidBlack.
“Perhaps,butonlybecausethesearen’tmyownideas,Ilearhemfrommyfatherovertheyears.”Isaidthissohewouldn’tdismisswhatIsaid,assumingthattheseplanshadsprungfrommyfemininemind.
,BlacksaidwhatI’dheardfromeverymanwhowasn’tafraidtoadmithefoundmeveryintelligent:
“You’reverybeautiful.”
“Yes,”Isaid,“itpleasesmetobepraisedformyintelligence.WhenIwasachild,myfatherwouldoftendoso.”
IwasabouttoaddthatonceI’dgrownupmyfatherceasedtopraisemyintelligeIbegantoweep.AsIcried,itwasasifI’dleftmyselfandwasbeinganother,entirelyseparatewoman.Likesomereadertroubledbyasadpictureinthepagesofabook,IsawmylifefromtheoutsideandpitiedwhatIsaw.There’ssomethingsoiingoveroroubles,asthoughtheywereanother’s,thatwhenBlackembracedme,asenseofwell-beingspreadoverusboth.Yet,thistime,aswehugged,thissenseoffortremaiherebetweenus,uoaffecttheadversariescirgus.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
Ihearthequestionuponyourlips:Whatisittobeacolor?
Coloristhetouchoftheeye,musictothedeaf,awordoutofthedarkness.BecauseI’velisteosoulswhispering—likethesusurrusofthewind—frombooktobookandobjecttoobjectfortensof
thousandsofyears,allowmetosaythatmytouchresemblesthetouchofangels.Partofme,theserioushalf,callsouttoyourvisionwhilethemirthfulhalfsoarsthroughtheairwithylances.
I’msofortuobered!I’mfiery.I’mstrong.IkakenotieandthatIotberesisted.
Idonotcealmyself:Forme,delicaifestsitselfherinweaknessnorinsubtlety,butthroughdeterminationandwill.So,Idrawattentiontomyself.I’mnotafraidofothercolors,shadows,crowdsorevenofloneliness.Howwonderfulitistocoverasurfacethatawaitsmewithmyownvictoriousbeing!WhereverI’mspread,Iseeeyesshine,passionsincrease,eyebrowsriseabeatsqui.Beholdhowwonderfulitistolive!Beholdhowwonderfultosee.Behold:Livingisseeing.Iameverywhere.Lifebeginswithaurnstome.HavefaithinwhatItellyou.
HushandlistentohowIdevelopedsuchamagnifitredtone.Amasterminiaturist,ainpaints,furiouslypouhebestvarietyofdriedredbeetlefromthehottestclimesofHindustanintoafinepowderusinghismortarale.Hepreparedfivedrachmasoftheredpowder,onedrachmaofsoapwortandahalfdrachmaoflotor.Heboiledthesoapwortinapottainingthreeokkasofwater.,hemixedthhlythelotorintothewater.Heletitboilforaslongasittooktodrinkanexcellentcupofcoffee.Asheenjoyedhiscoffee,Igreatientasachildabouttobeborn.Thecoffeehadclearedthemaster’smindandgivenhimtheeyesofajinn.Hespriheredpowderintothekettleandcarefullymixedthecowithohethiicksreservedforthistask.Iwasreadytobeegenuinered,buttheissueofmysistencywasofutmostimportaheliquidshouldn’tbepermittedtojustboilaway.Hedrewthetipofhisstirringstickacrossthenailofhisthumb(anyerwasabsolutelyuable).Oh,howexquisiteitistobered!Igracefullypaihatthumbnailwithoutrunningoffthesideinwateryhaste.Inshort,Iwastherightsistency,butIstilltainedsedimeookthepotoffthestoveandstraihroughapieceofcheesecloth,purifyingmeevenfurther.,heheatedmeupagain,bringioafrothyboiltwicemore.Afteraddingapinchofcrushedalum,heleftmetocool.
AfeassedandIsattherequietlyinthepan.Iicipationofbeingappliedtopages,ofbeingspreadeverywhereandontoeverything,sittingstilllikethatbrokemyheartandspirit.ItwasduringthisperiodofsileImeditateduponwhatitmeanttobered.
OnaPersiancity,asIwasbeingappliedbythebrushofanappreheembroideryonthesaddleclothofahorsethatablindminiaturisthaddraw,Ioverheardtwoblindmastershavinganargument:
“Becausewe’vespentourentirelivesardentlyandfaithfullywaspainters,naturally,we,whohavenowgoneblind,knowredandrememberwhatkindofcolorandwhatkindoffeelingitis,”saidtheonewho’dmadethehorsedrawingfrommemory.“But,whatifwe’dbeenbornblind?Howwouldwehavebeentrulyabletoprehendthisredthatourhandsomeapprenticeisusing?”
“Anexcellentissue,”theothersaid.“Butdonetthatcolorsarenotknown,butfelt.”
“Mydearmaster,explaiosomebodywhohasneverknownred.”
“Ifwetoucheditwiththetipofafiwouldfeellikesomethiweenironandcopper.Ifwetookitintoourpalm,itwouldburn.Ifwetastedit,itwouldbefull-bodied,likesaltedmeat.Ifwetookitbetweenourlips,itwouldfillourmouths.Ifwesmelledit,it’dhavethestofahorse.Ifitwereaflower,itwouldsmelllikeadaisy,notaredrose.”
OnehundredandtenyearsagoVeianartistrywashreatenoughthatourrulerswouldbotherthemselvesaboutit,andthelegendarymastersbelievedintheirowhodsasferventlyastheybelievedinAllah;therefore,theyregardedtheVeiahodofusingavarietyofredtonesforeveryordinaryswordwoundahemostonsackclothasakindofdisrespedvulgarityhardlyworthachuckle.Onlyaweakaantminiaturistwoulduseavarietyofredtoodepicttheredofacaftan,theyclaimed—shadowswerenotanexcuse.Besides,webelieveinonlyonered.
“Whatisthemeaningofred?”theblindminiaturistwho’ddrawnthehorsefrommemoryaskedagain.
“Themeaningofcoloristhatitistherebeforeusandweseeit,”saidtheother.“Redotbeexplaiohewhootsee.”
“TodenyGod’sexistence,victimsofSatanmaintainthatGodisnotvisibletous,”saidtheblindminiaturistwho’drehehorse.
“Yet,Heappearstothosewhosee,”saidtheothermaster.“ItisforthisreasonthattheKoranstatesthattheblindandtheseeiequal.”
Thehandsomeapprenticeeversodelicatelydabbedmeontothehorse’ssaddlecloth.Whatawonderfulsensationtofixmyfullness,powerandvigortothebladwhiteofawell-executedillustration:asthecat-hairbrushspreadsmeontothewaitingpage,Ibeedelightfullyticklish.Thereby,asIbringmycolortothepage,it’sasifIandtheworldto“Be!”Yes,thosewhootseewoulddenyit,butthetruthisIbefoundeverywhere.
I,SHEKUREBeforethechildrenawoke,IwroteBlackabriefellinghimtohurrytothehouseoftheHangedJeresseditintoHayriye’shandsothatshemightrushtoEsther.AsHayriyetooktheletter,shelookedintomyeyeswithmorefearlesshanusualdespitewwhatwastobeeofus;andI,whonolongerhadafathertofear,returnedherglarewithnewfoundtemerity.Thisexgewoulddetermioneofourrelationshipiure.Overthelasttwoyears,IsuspectedHayriyemightevenhaveachildbymyfather,andfettiatusasslave,maobeeladyofthehouse.Ivisitedmyunfortuher,respectfullykissinghisnowstiffenedhand,which,oddly,hadn’t
lostitssoftness.Ihidmyfather’sshoes,quiltedturbanandpurplecloak,thenexplaihechildreheyawokethattheirgrandfatherhadgotteerandhadleftfortheMustafaPashadistrictearlyinthem.
Hayriyereturnedfromhermerrand.Asshewaslayingoutthelowtableforbreakfast,andIlagaportionejaminthemiddleofit,IimaginedhowEstherwasnowcallingatBlack’sdoor.Thesnowhadstoppedandthesunhadbeguntoshine.
InthegardenoftheHangedJew,Ienteredafamiliarse.Theicicleshangingfromtheeavesandwindowgswerequicklyshrinking,andthegardenthatsmelledofmoldandrottingleaveswaseagerlyabsthesun.IfoundBlackwaitingiwhereI’dfirstseenhimlastnight—itseemedsolongago,asifweekshadpassed.Iraisedmyveilandsaid:
“Youbeglad,ifyoufeeltheurge.Myfather’sobjesanddoubtswillnotebetweenusanymore.Whileyouwerecraftilytryingtolayyourhandsonmeherelastnight,adevil-of-a-manbrokeintoouremptyhouseandmurderedmyfather.”
RatherthanwaboutBlack’srea,you’reprobablypuzzlingoverwhyIspokesocoldlyandsomewhatinsincerely.Idon’tquiteknowtheanswermyself.MaybeIthoughtI’dcryotherwise,provokingBlabraceme,andI’dbeeintimatewithhimsoohanIwanted.
“Hedestroyedourhomewithathhhatclearlyrevealsangerandhatred.Idon’tthinkhisworkisdoher,Idon’texpectthisdevilwillcalmlyretiretosomeernow.Hestolethefinalpicture.I’mcallingonyoutoprotectme—protectus—andkeepmyfather’sbookfromhim.Nowtellme,underwhatarraandditionswillyouseetooursafety?Thisiswhatwehavetoresolve.”
Hemadeauretospeak,butIeasilysilencedhimwithalook—asthoughthisweresomethingI’ddonetlesstimesbefore.
“Intheeyesofthejudge,itismyhusbandandhisfamilywhosucceedmyfatherasmyguardians.Thiswasthecaseevenbeforehisdeath,foracctothejudgemyhusbandisstillalive.ItwasonlybecauseHasaakeadvantageofmeduringhisolderbrother’sabsence,afailedassaultthatembarrassedmyfather-in-law,thatIwasallowedtoreturntomyfather’shomethoughnotofficiallyawidow.ButnowthatmyfatherisdeadandIamwithoutevenabrother,thereisionthatmyonlypossibleguardiansaremyhusband’sbrotherandmyfather-in-law.They’vealreadybeenschemingtohavemereturheirhome,cmyfather,andthreateningme.Oheyhearmyfatherisdead,theywoatetotakeofficialayonlyhopetopreventthisistocealmyfather’sdeath.Perhapsinvain,fortheymaybetheonesbehindthecrime.”
Atthatverymoment,athinbeamoflightgracefullyfilteredthroughthebrokenshuttersandfellbetweenBladme,illuminatingtheadustiheroom.
“Thisisn’ttheonlyreasonI’mhidingmyfather’sdeath,”Isaid,fixingmygazeintoBlack’seyes,inwhichIwasgladdeoseeattentivenessmorethanlove.“I’malsoafraidofbeinguoprovemywhereaboutsatthetimeofmyfather’smurder.Thoughshe’saslaveandherwhtbedisted,I’mafraidthatHayriyeisinvolvedinthesemaations,ifnotagaihenagainstmyfather’sbook.AndaslongasIremainwithoutaprotector,theannouofmyfather’smurder,whileinitiallysimplifyingmattersathome,mightwell,solelyforthereasonsI’veeed,causemegreatmisfortuherhand;forinstance,whatifHayriyeisawarethatmyfatherdidn’twaomarryyou?”
“Yourfatherdidn’twantyoutomarryme?”askedBlack.
“No,hedidn’t,hewasworriedthatyou’dtakemeawayfromhim.Sihere’snolongeranydangerofyoudoingsucheviltohim,let’sassumemydearunfortuherhasnofurtherobje.Doyouhaveany?”
“all,mydarling.”
“Fihen.Myguardianhasnoclaimsofmoneyoldonyou.Pleaseexcusetheimproprietyofmydiscussingmaritalcircumstanyownbehalf,butIhavecertainprerequisitesthatImust,unfortunately,explaintoyou.”
AsIfellsilentforawhile,Blacksaid,“Yes,”inamahatsuggestedanapologyforhishesitation.
“First,”Ibegan,“youmustswearbeforetwowithatifyoubehavebadlytowardmeinourmarriage,toadegreethatIfindunbearable,orifyoutakeasedwife,youwillgrantmeadivorcewithalimony.Sed,youmustswearbeforetwowithatifforwhateverreasonyouareabsentfromthehouseformorethanasix-monthperiodwithoutavisit,Iwillalsobegrantedadivorcewithalimony.Third,afterwearemarried,youwillofcoursemoveintomyhome;however,untilthevillainwhohasmurderedmyfatherhasbeencaughtoruntilyoufindhim—howI’dlovetotorturehimmyself!
—anduntilOurSultan’sbook,pleteduheguidanceofyourtalentsandefforts,hasbeenhonorablypreseoHim,youwillnotsharemybed.Fourth,youwilllovemysons,whodosharemybedwithme,asiftheywereyourownchildren.”
“Iagree.”
“Good.Ifalloftheobstaclesthatstillliebeforeusdisappearthisquickly,we’llsoonbewed.”
“Yes,wed,butnotinthesamebed.”
“Thefirststepismarriage,”Isaid.“Let’sseetothatfirst.Loveesaftermarriage.Don’tfet:Marriagedouseslove’sflame,leavingnothingbutabarrenandmelancholyblaess.Ofcourse,aftermarriage,loveitselfwillvanishanyway;buthappinessfillsthevoid.Still,therearethosehastyfools
whofallinlovebeforemarryingand,burningwithemotion,exhaustalltheirfeeling,believinglovetobethehighestgoalinlife.”
“What,then,isthetruthofthematter?”
“Thetruthiste.Loveandmarriagearebutameanstoobtainingit:ahusband,ahouse,children,abook.’tyouseethateveninmystate,withamissinghusbandandadeceasedfather,I’mbetteroffthanyouinyourisolation?I’ddiewithoutmysons,withwhomIspendmydayslaughing,tusslingandloving.Moreover,sinceyoulongformeeveninmypresentpredit,sinceyousecretlyachetospendthenightwithme—evenifnotinthesamebed—uhesameroofwithmyfather’sbodyandmyunrulychildren,you’repelledtolistenwithallyourhearttowhatInowhavetosay.”
“I’mlistening.”
“TherearevariouswaysthatImightsecureadivorce.Falsewitnessescouldswearthatbeforemyhusbaoncampaignessedhimgrantmeaditionaldivorce;forexample,thathe’dpledgedthatifhedidurnwithintwoyears,Ishouldbesideredfree.Or,moresimply,theymightswearthey’dseenmyhusband’scorpseinthefieldofbattle,gvariousvinganddescriptivedetails.Buttakingmyfather’sbodyandtheobjesofmyin-lawsintosideration,torelyonfalsewitnesseswouldbeanunsoundroceed,asnojudgeofanyintelligenceorcautionwouldbepersuaded.sideringthatmyhusbamewithoutalimonyandhasurnedfromwarforfouryears,evenjudgesofourHaneficreedcouldn’tgrantmeadivorce.Theüsküdarjudge,however,knowinghowthenumberofwomeninmysituationisincreasingeachday,ismoresympathetidso—withanodfromOurExcellencytheSultanandtheSheikhulislam—thejudgeoccasionallyallowshisproxyoftheShafücreedtoruleinhisplace,therebygrantingdivorcesleftandrighttowomenlikeme,includingditionsofalimony.Now,ifyoufindtwowitestifyopenlytomypredit,paythemoff,crosstheBosphoruswiththemtotheüsküdarside,arrahejudge,makiainthathisproxywillsitinforhimsothedivorcemightbegrantedbyvirtueofthewitnesses,registerthedivorthejudge’sledger,obtaiificatetestifyingtotheproceeding,obtainwrittenpermissionformyimmediateremarriage,andifyouaplishallofthisabacktothissideoftheBosphorusbytheafternoon,then—assumingnodifficultyinfindingapreacherwhomightmarryusthisevening—then,asmyhusband,youcouldspendthisnightwithmeandmychildren.Thereby,you’llalsospareusasleeplessnightofhearingineverycreakingofthehousethestepsofthatdevilishmurderer.Moreover,you’llsavemefromthewretessofbeingapoorunprotectedwomanwhenweannouhedeathofmyfatherinthem.”
“Yes,”saidBlackwithgoodhumorandsomewhatchildishly.“Yes.Iagreetomakeyoumine.”
YourememberhowolyIdeclaredIdidn’tknoasspeakingtoBlasuchahigh-handedandinsinceremanner.NowIknow:I’veetorealizethatonlybyassumingsuightIvinceBlack—whohasyettooutgrowhischildhoodmuddle-headedobelieveinthepossibilityofeventsthatevenIhaveahardtimebelievingwilletopass.
“Wehavealottodoinfightingourehosewhowouldobstructthepletionofmyfather’sbookandthosewhocouldtestmydivordourmarriageceremony—whichwillbeperformedtonight,Godwilling.ButIsupposeIshouldn’tfurtherfuseyou,sinceyouarealreadyevenmorefusedthanI.”
“Youaren’tfusedatall,”saidBlack.
“Perhaps,butonlybecausethesearen’tmyownideas,Ilearhemfrommyfatherovertheyears.”Isaidthissohewouldn’tdismisswhatIsaid,assumingthattheseplanshadsprungfrommyfemininemind.
,BlacksaidwhatI’dheardfromeverymanwhowasn’tafraidtoadmithefoundmeveryintelligent:
“You’reverybeautiful.”
“Yes,”Isaid,“itpleasesmetobepraisedformyintelligence.WhenIwasachild,myfatherwouldoftendoso.”
IwasabouttoaddthatonceI’dgrownupmyfatherceasedtopraisemyintelligeIbegantoweep.AsIcried,itwasasifI’dleftmyselfandwasbeinganother,entirelyseparatewoman.Likesomereadertroubledbyasadpictureinthepagesofabook,IsawmylifefromtheoutsideandpitiedwhatIsaw.There’ssomethingsoiingoveroroubles,asthoughtheywereanother’s,thatwhenBlackembracedme,asenseofwell-beingspreadoverusboth.Yet,thistime,aswehugged,thissenseoffortremaiherebetweenus,uoaffecttheadversariescirgus.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
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