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I AM ESTHER

  Oh,howwonderfulitistocryalongwiththerestofthem!WhilethemehefuneralofmydearShekure’sfather,thewomen,kithandkin,spousesandfriends,gatheredinthehouseaheirtears,andI,too,beatmychestinmawiththem.Nowwailinginunisonwiththeprettymaidenbesideme,leaningonherandswayingbadforth;ninapletelydifferentframeofmind,Iwasdeeplytouchedbymyownitifullife.IfIcouldcrylikethisjustonceaweek,Ithought,ImightfethowIhadtoroamthestreetsalldayjusttomakee,fetbeingmockedformyweightandmyJewishnessandberebornanevetermouthEsther.

  IlikesocialgatheringsbecauseIeattomyheart’stent,and,atthesametime,fetthatI’mtheblacksheepofthecrowd.Ilovethebaklava,mintdy,marzipanbreadandfruitleatherofholidays;thepilafwithmeataea-cuppastriesofcircumcisionceremonies;drinkingsour-cherrysherbetatcelebrationsheldbytheSultanintheHippodrome;eatihingatweddings;andtossingdownthesesame,honeyorvariouslyflavoreddolencehalvassentbytheneighborsatwakes.

  Iquietlyslippedintothehallutonmyshoesadownstairs.BeforeIturothekit,Igrewcuriousaboutanoddnoiseingthroughthehalf-opendooroftheroomothestable.ItookafewstepsinthatdireandglansidetodiscoverthatShevketandOrhanhadtiedupthesonofohewomenmournersandwereinthemidstofpaintinghisfacewiththeirlategrandfather’spaintsandbrushes.“Ifyoutrytoescape,we’llhityoulikethis,”Shevketsaidandslappedtheboy.

  “Mydearchild,playnidgentlenow,don’thurteachother,allright?”IsaidinavoiceasvelvetyasIuster.

  “Mindyourownaffairs!”Shevketshouted.

  Inoticedthesmall,frightened,blond-hairedsisteroftheboytheyweretormentingstandingbesidethem,andforwhateverreasoforherpletely.Fetaboutit,her!

  I,Hayriyepeeredatmesuspiciously.

  “I’vecriedmyselfdry,Hayriye,”Isaid.“Fod’ssake,plassofwater.”

  Shedidso,silently.BeforeIdrankit,Istaredintohereyes,swollenfromweeping.

  “PoorEnishteEffendi,theysayhewasalreadydeadbeforeShekure’swedding,”Iented.“People’smouthsaren’tlikebagsthatbechedup,someevenclaimtherewasfoulplayinvolved.”

  Inanexaggeratedgesture,shelookeddowoes.Theedherheadandwithoutlookingatmesaid,“MayGodprotectusfrombaselessslander.”

  HerfirstgesturefirmedwhatI’dsaid,andmoreovertheceofherwordsveyedthattheywerespokenunderduress—tohidethetruth.

  “What’sgoingon?”Iaskedabruptly,whisperingasifIwereherfidant.

  IndecisiveHayriyehadofcourseuoodthattherewasnohopeofclaiminganyauthorityoverShekureafterEnishteEffendi’sdeath.Andashortwhileago,shewastheonemwiththemostheartfelttears.

  “What’stobee,now?”shesaid.

  “Shekureholdsyouinhighregard,”Isaidinmyhabitofgivingnews.Liftingupthelidsofthepotsofhalvalinedupbetweenthelargeclayjarofgrapemolassesandthepicklejar,sneakingafingerfulfromoneorsimplyleaniosmellanother,Iaskedwho’dsenteachofthem.

  Hayriyewasrattlingoffwho’dsentwhichpot:“Thisone’sfromKas1mEffendiofKayseri;thisoheassistantfromtheminiaturistsdivisionwholivestwostreetsover;that’sfromthelocksmith,Left-HandedHamdi;thatoheyoungbridefromEdirne—”whenShekureinterruptedher.

  “Kalbiye,thelateElegantEffendi’swidow,didn’tetoofferherdolences,didn’tsendwordanddidn’tsendanyhalvaeither!”

  Shewasheadingfromthekitdoortothefootofthestairs.Ifollowedher,knowingthatshewaohaveawordwithmeinprivate.

  “Therewasnoill-willbetweeEffendiandmyfather.OnthedayofElegant’sfuneral,wepreparedourhalvaatothem.Iwanttoknowwhat’sgoingon,”Shekuresaid.

  “I’llghtawayandfindout,”Isaid,anticipatingShekure’sthoughts.

  SinceIkeptourchatbrief,shekissedmeonthecheek.Asthecoldofthecourtyardbitintous,weembradstoodtherewithoutmoving.Afterward,IstrokedmybeautifulShekure’shair.

  “Esther,I’mafraid,”shesaid.

  “Mydear,don’tbeafraid,”Isaid.“Everycloudhasasilverlining.Look,you’refinallymarried.”

  “ButI’mnotsureIdidtherightthing,”shesaid.“That’swhyIhavehimgetnearme.Ispentthenightbesidemyunfortuher.”

  Sheopenedhereyeswideandlookedatmeinawaythatsaid,YouuandwhatImean.

  “Hasanclaimsthatyourweddingisnullintheeyesofthejudge,”Isaid.“Hesentthistoyou.”

  Thoughshesaid,“Nomore,”sheimmediatelyopehesmallnoteandread,butthistimeshedidn’ttellmewhatittained.

  Shewasrighttobediscreet;weweren’talohecourtyardwherewe’dstoodembrag:Aboveus,asmirkingcarpenter,reattagtheshutterofthehallwindow,whichfellandbrokeforsomeunknownreasonthatm,wasalsoeyeingbothusandthewomenminside.Meanwhile,Hayriye

  cameoutofthehouseandrushedtoopenthedoorforthesonofaloyalneighborwho’dcalledout,“thehalva’shere,”ashekhecourtyardgate.

  “It’sbeenquitesometimesinceweburiedhim,”saidShekure.“Iowsemypoorfather’ssoulisleavinghisbodyfoodandrisingintotheheavens.”

  Sheremovedherselffrommyarms,andgazingupatthebrightsky,recitedalongprayer.

  IsuddesodistantarangedfromShekurethatitwouldn’thavesurprisedmeifIwerethecloudshewasgazingat.Assoonasshefinishedherprayer,prettyShekurekissedmeaffeatelyonbothcheeks.

  “Esther,”shesaid,“solongasmyfather’smurdererroamsfree,there’llbenopeathisworldformeormychildren.”

  Itpleasedmethatshedidionhernewhusband’sname.

  “GotoElegantEffendi’shouse,talkcasuallytohiswidowandlearnwhytheydidn’tsendusanyhalva.Letmeknowimmediatelywhatyoufindout.”

  “DoyouhaveanymessagesforHasan?”Isaid.

  Ifeltembarrassed,notbecauseI’daskedthisquestion,butbecauseIcouldn’tlookherintheeyeasIdidso.Tocoverupmyembarrassment,IstoppedHayriyeahelidofthepotshewasholding.“Ohh,”Isaid,“semolinahalvawithpistachios,”asIhadataste.“Andthey’veaddedes,too.”

  ItmademehappytoseeShekuresmilesweetlyasifeverythingwerehappeningasplanned.

  Igrabbedmybundlea.I’dtakennomorethantwostepswhenIsawBlackattheendofthestreet.He’djustefromtheburialofhisfather-in-law,andIcouldtellfromhisbeamingfacethatthisnewhusbandwasquitepleasedwithhislife.Itodampenhisspirits,Ileftthestreet,ehevegetableroassedthroughthegardenofthehousewherethebrotheroftheloverofthefamousJewishdoosheHamonhadlivedbeforehewashahisgarden,whichrecalleddeath,alwaysbroughtsuchgreatsadnessuponmewhenIwalkedthroughitthatIinvariablyfotI’dbeenchargedtofindabuyerfortheproperty.

  TheairofdeathwasalsoiEffendi’shouse,thoughformeitprovokednosadness.IwasEsther,awomanwhowentinandoutofthousandsofhomesandwasacquaihhundredsofwidows;Ikhatwomenwholosttheirhusbandsearlywerespellbouherbydefeatandmiseryerandrebellion(althoughShekurehadsufferedalltheseafflis).KalbiyehadpartakenofthepoisonofangerandIfastrealizedthatthiswouldservetohastenmywork.

  Aswithallceitedwomentowhomlifehasbeencruel,Kalbiyequiterightlysuspectedthatallhervisitorscametopityherinherdarkesthour,orevenworse,towitnessheragonyalyrejoitheirowersituations;thus,sheengagedinnopleasahherguests,butwentstraighttotheheartofthematterfoinganyflowerysmalltalk.WhyhadEstherethisafternoon,justasKalbiyewasabouttotakeasolingnapwithhergrief?Wellawareshe’dtakenoiiestsilksfromaorhandkerchiefsfromBursa,Ididn’teveendtoopenmybucamerighttothepointanddescribedteary-eyedShekure’s.“IthasheightenedShekure’smiserytothinkthatshehassomehowhurtyourfeelings,withwhomshesharesthesamesorrow,”Isaid.

  Arrogantly,Kalbiyefirmedthatshehadn’taskedafterShekure’swell-being,hadn’tvisitedtoexpressherdolenournwithher,norcouldshebringherselftoprepareandsendanyhalva.Behindherpride,therealsolurkedagleethatshecouldn’tceal:Thedelightthatherresehadbeenreized.Itwasfromthispoirythatyoursharp-wittedEstherattemptedtodiscoverthereasonsforandcircumstancesofKalbiye’sanger.

  Itdidn’ttakelongforKalbiyetoadmitthatshe’dbeehthelateEnishteEffendiduetotheillustratedmanuscripthereparing.Shesaidherhusband,mayherestinpeace,hadn’tagreedtoworkonthebookforthesakeofahandfulofextrasilvers,butbecauseEnishteEffendivincedhimtheprojectwasauthorizedbytheSultan.However,wheehusbandbecameawarethattheilluminationsEnishteEffendihiredhimtogildwereslowlyevolvingfromsimpleoredpagesintofull-blownillustrations,picturesmoreoverthatborethemarksofFrankishblasphemy,atheismandevenheresy,hegrewuneasyaolosesighthtandwrong.BeingamuchmorereasonableandprudentpersonthaEffendi,shecautiouslyaddedthatallthesedoubtsarosegraduallyratherthanatondsincepantEffendineverfoundanythingthatwouldbesideredblatantsacrilege,hewasabletodismisshisworriesasunfounded.Besides,hefortedhimselfbynevermissingasermongivenbyHojaofErzurum,andifheskippedoneofhisfivedailyprayersituledhim.Justashekhatcertainsdrelsattheworkshopridiculedhispletedevotiontothefaith,soheuoodverywellthattheirbrazenjokesaroseoutofenvyofhistalentandartistry.

  Alarge,glimmeringtearslidfromKalbiye’sgleamingeyedownhercheek,andatthefirstopportunity,yood-heartedEstherdecidedtofindKalbiyeabetterhusbandthantheoneshe’dretlylost.

  “Mylatehusbanddidn’toftensharethesesofhiswithme,”Kalbiyesaidcautiously.“BasedonwhateverIcouldrememberaogetherI’vecludedthateverythinghappenedonatoftheillustrationsthattookhimtoEnishteEffendi’shouseonhisverylastnight.”

  Thiswassomemannerofapology.Inresponse,IremindedherhowherfateandShekure’s,nottomentiontheirenemies,werethesameifonesideredthatEnishteEffendihadperhapsbeenkilledbythesame“sdrel.”Thetwe-headedfatherlesswaifsstaringatmefromtheersuggestedanothersimilaritybetweewowomen.Butmymercilessmatchmaker’slogicquicklyremihatShekure’ssituationwasmuchmorebeautiful,ridmysterious.IletKalbiyeklywhatIfelt:

  “Shekuretoldmetotellyouthatifshehaswrongedyou,she’ssorry,”Isaid.“Shewantstosaythatshelovesyouasasisterandasawomanwhosharesherfate.Shewantsyoutothinkaboutthisandhelpher.WheeElegantEffehereonhislastnight,didhementionhe’dbeseeinganyonebesidesEnishteEffendi?Didyoueversiderthathemight’vebeengoingtomeetsomebodyelse?”

  “Thiswasfoundonhisperson,”shesaid.

  Sheremovedafoldedpieceofpaperfromaliddedwickerbox,whitainedembroideryneedles,piecesofclothandalargewalnut.

  WhenItookupthecrumpledpiecehpaperandexami,Isawavarietyofshapesdrawnininkthathadrunandsmudgedinthewellwater.I’djustdeterminedwhattheformswerewhenKalbiyevoicedmythoughts.

  “Horses,”shesaid.“ButlateElegantEffendionlydidgildingwork.Heneverdrewhorses.Andnoonewould’veeveraskedhimtorenderahorse.”

  YourelderlyEstherwaslookingatthehorseswhichhadbeenquicklysketched,butshecouldn’tquitemakeanythingofthem.

  “IfIweretotakethispieceofpapertoShekure,she’dbequitepleased,”Isaid.

  “IfShekuredesirestoseethesesketches,letheregetthemherself,”saidKalbiyewithnosmallhintofceit.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读