Puss-in-Boots-2
Andnowtheladylowershereyestohimandsmiles,asonceshesmiledatme.
Then,bang!asternhandpullstheshuttersto.Anditwasasifallthevioletsinallthebasketsofalltheflower-sellersdroopedandfadedatondspringstoppeddeadinitstradmight,thistime,noteatall;aleandthebusinessofthesquare,thathadsomagicallyquietedforhissong,nowroseupagainwiththeharshclamourofthelossoflove.
Arudgedrearilyofftodirtysheetsandameansupperofbreadandcheese,allIstealhim,butatleastthepoorsoulmasaheartyappetitenowsheknowshesintheworldandnottheugliestofmortals;forthefirsttimesifatefulm,sleepssound.ButsleepeshardtoPusstonight.Hetakesamidnightstrollacrossthesquare,soonfortablydiscussesaorselofsaltcodhistabbyfriendfoundamongtheashesonthehearthbeforeourverseturnstoothermatters.
"Rats!"shesays."Andtakeyourbootsoff,youuncouthbugger;thosethree-inchheelswreakhavocwiththesoftfleshofmyunderbelly!"
Whenwedrecoveredourselvesalittle,Iaskherwhatshemeansbythose"rats"ofhersandsheproposesherschemetome.Howmymastermustposeasarat-catcherandI,hisambulantmarmaladerat-trap.Hoillthengokilltheratsthatravagemiladysbedchamber,thedaytheoldfoolgoestofetchhisrent,andshehaveherwilloftheladatleisurefor,ifthereisohingthehagfearsmorethanacat,itisaratandshellcowerinacupboardtillthelastratisoffthepremisesbeforesheesout.Oh,thistabbyone,sharpasatackisshe;Igratulateheriywithafewaffeatecuffsroundtheheadandhomeagain,forbreakfast,ubiquitousPuss,here,thereandeverywhere,whosyaro?
Masterapplaudstheratploy;but,astotheratsthemselves;howaretheytoarriveinthehouseinthefirstplace?hequeries.
"Nothingeasier,sir;myaplice,awittysoubrettewholivesamongtheders,dedicatedassheistotheyoungladyshappiness,willpersonallystrewalargenumberofdeadanddyingratsshehasherselfcollectedaboutthebedroomofthesaidingenuesduenna,and,mostparticularly,thatofthesaidingenueherself.Thistobedoomorr,assoonasSirPantalootofetchhisrents.Bygoodfortune,downinthesquare,plyingforhire,arat-catcher!Sinceotabideeitheraratoracat,itfallstomiladytoescorttherat-catcher,herthanyourself,sir,andhisintrepidhunter,myself,tothesiteoftheiion.
"Onceyoureinherbedroom,sir,ifyoudontknowwhattodo,thenIthelpyou."
"Keepyourfoulthoughtstoyourself,Puss."
Somethings,Isee,aresacrosanour.
Sureenough,promptatfiveinthebleakm,Iobservewithmyowhelovelyladyslubberlyhusbandhumpoffonhishorselikeasackofpotatoestorakeinhisdues.Werereadywithn:SIGNORFURIOSO,THELIVIHOFRATS;andihershesborrowedfromtheporter,Ihardlyreisehimmyself,notwiththefalsemoustache.Hecoaxesthechambermaidwithafewkisses--poor,deceivedgirl!loveknowsnoshame--andsoweinstallourselvesunderacertainshutteredwindowwiththegreatpileoftrapssheslentus,thesignofourprofession,Pussperchedatopthembearingthehumbleyetdeterminedlookofaswornenemyofvermin.
Wevenotwaitedmorethanfifteenminutes--andjustaswell,asmanyrat-plaguedBergamotsapproachusalreadyaeasilydissuadedfromemployingus--whenthefrontdoorfliesopenonalustyscream.Thehag,aghast,flingsherarmsroundflingFurioso;howfortuitoustofindhim!But,atthewhiffofme,shessneezingsovaliantly,hereyesawash,theverticalguttersofhernostrilsaswillwithsnot,shebarelydepictthesesitusdomesticusdeadinherbedandall;andworse!intheMissusroom.
SoSignorFuriosoandhisquestingPussareusheredintotheverysanctuaryofthegoddess,ourpresenouncedbyafanfarefromherkeeperonthenoseharp.Attishhoooo!!!
Sleasantinamgownoflooselinen,enuejumpsatthetattooofmybootheelsbutrecoversinstantlyandthewheezing,hawkinghagisinnostatetosnifflemorethan:"Aihatcatbefore?"
"Notace,"saysmymaster."Why,hesebutyesterdaywithmefromMilano."
Soshehastomakedowiththat.
MyTabshasliheverystairswithrats;shesmadeamueofthehagsroombutsomethingmorelivelyoftheladys.Forsomeofherpreyshesverycleverlynotkilledbutcrippled;abigblackbeastieweavesitswaytowardsusovertheturkeycarpet,Puss,pouweenscreamingandsneezing,thehagsinafie,Itellyou,thoughmiladyexhibitsamostpraiseworthyandcollectedpresenind,being,Iguess,ayoungwomanofnosmallgraspso,perhaps,shehasasniffoftheplotalready.
Mymastergoesdownonhandsandkneesuhebed.
"Mygod!"hecries."Theresthebiggesthole,hereinthewainsg,Ieversawinallmyprofessionalcareer!Andtheresanarmyofblackratsgatheringbehindit,readytostormthrough!Toarms!"
But,forallherterror,thehagsloathtoleavetheMasterandmealoodealwiththerats;shecastshereyeonasilver-backedhairbrush,acoralrosary,twitters,hovers,screeches,muttersuntilmiladyassuresher,amidstsesofrisingpandemonium:
"IshallstayheremyselfaSignorFuriosodoesntmakeoffwithmytris.YougoandrecoveryourselfwithaninfusionoffriarsbalsamanddontebatilIcall."
Thehagdeparts;quickasaflash,labelleturnsthekeyinthedooronherandsoftlylaughs;thenaughtyone.
Dusti-flufffromhisknees,SignorFuriosonowstandsslowlyupright;swiftly,heremoveshisfalsemoustache,forofthefarcicalmustmarthisfirst,deliriousenteroftheselovers,mustit.(Poorsoul,howhishandstremble!)
AcedasIamtothesplendid,felinenakednessofmykind,thatoffersnocealmentofthatsoulmademainthefleshoflovers,Iamalwaysalittlemovedbythepoignaicewithwhichhumanityshylyhesitatestodivestitselfofitsclutterofcealingragsinthepresenceofdesire.So,first,thesetwosmile,alittle,asiftosay"Hetomeetyouhere!"uainofalovingwele,still.AnddoIdeceivemyself,ordoIseeateara-twiheerofhiseye?Butwhoisitstepstowardstheotherfirst?Why,she;women,Ithink,are,ofthetwosexes,themorekeenlytuhesweetmusicoftheirbodies.(Apennyformyfoulthoughts,indeed!Doesshe,thatwise,gravepersohenegligee,thinkyouvestagedthisgrandcharademerelyiokissherhand?)But,then--oh,rettyblush!stepsbaowitshisturntotaketwostepsforwardinthesarabandofEros.
Icouldwish,though,theyddatlefaster;thehagwillsoonrecoverfromherspasmsandshallshefindtheminflagrante?
Hishand,then,trembling,uponherbosom;hers,initiallymorehesitant,sequentiallymorepurposeful,uponhisbreeches.Therarancebreaks;thatsealhaveringdone,Ineversawtwofalltoitwithsuchappetite.Asifthewhirlwindgotintotheirfiheystripeachotherbareinatwinklingandshefallsbathebed,showshimthetarget,hedisplaysthedart,scoresaninstantbullseye.Bravo!Neverthatoldbedhaveshookwithsuchastormbefore.Andtheirsweetutterings,poorthings:"Inever...""Mydarling...""More..."Ac.etoughtomeltthethorheart.
Herisesuponhiselbowsondgaspsatme:"Mimicthemurderoftherats,Puss!MaskthemusicofVenuswiththatclamourofDiana!"
A-huntingweshallgo!Loyaltothelast,IplaycatchascatwithTabsdeadrats,givingthedyingthecoupdegradbayingwithresonantvigourtodrowravagantscreechesthatbreakforthfromthat(whowouldhavesuspected?)morepassionateyoungwomanassheesoffiyle.(Fullmarks,Master.)
Atthat,theoldhagesbatteringatthedoor.Whatsgoingon?Whyfortheracket?Andthedoorrattlesonitshinges.
"Peace!"criesSignerFurioso."HaventIjustnowblockedthegreathole?"
Butmiladysinnohurrytodonhersmockagaiakesherlovelytimeaboutit;sofullofpleasuregratifiedherlanguorouslimbsyoudthinkherverynavelsmiled.Shepecksmymasterprettilythank-youonthecheek,wetsthegumonhisfalsemoustachewiththetipofherstrawberrytongueandsticksitbahisupperlipforhim,thesherwardressintotheseofthefauxagewiththemostmodestandirreproachableairintheworld.
"See!Pusshasslaughteredalltherats."
Irush,purringproud,togreetthehag;instantly,hereyesoerflow."Whythebedclothessodisordered?"shesqueaks,notquitebli,byphlegmandchoseforherpostfromalltheotherapplicationsonatofhersuspiind,even(oh,dutiful)wheningrandepeurdesrats.
"Pusshadamightybattlewiththebiggestbeastyoueversawuponthisverybed;tyouseethebloodstainsonthesheets?Andnow,whatdoweoweyou,SignerFurioso,forthissingularservice?"
"Ahundredducats,"saysI,quickasaflash,forIknowmymaster,lefttohimself,wouldlikeanhonourablefool,takenothing.
"Thatstheentirehouseholdexpensesforamonth!"wailsavariceswell-chosenaplice.
"Andwortheverypenny!Forthoseratswouldhaveeatenusoutofhouseandhome."Iseetheglimmeringsofsturdybaeinthislittlelady."Go,paythemfromyourprivatesavingsthatIknowof,thatyouveskimmedoffthehousekeeping."
Mutteringandmoaningbutnothingforitexcepttodoassheisbid;andthefuriousSirandItakeoffalaundrybasketfullofdeadratsassouvenir--wedropit,plop!inthesewer.Andsitdowntoonedinnerholypaidfor,forawonder.
Buttheyoungfoolisoffhisfeedagain.Pusheshisplateaside,laughs,weeps,burieshisheadinhishandsand,timeandtimeandtimeagaihewindowtostareattheshuttersbehindwhichhissweetheartscrubsthebloodawayandmydearTabsrestsfromhersupremeexertios,forawhile,andscribbles;ripsthepageinfour,hurlsitaside.Ispearafallingfragmentwithaclaw.DearGod,hestooktowritiry.
"Imustandwillhaveherforever,"heexclaims.
Iseemyplanhasetonothing.Satisfahasnotsatisfiedhim;thatsoultheybothsawihersbodieshassusatiablehungernosinglemealcouldeverappeaseit.Ifalltothetoiletteofmyhinderparts,myfavouritestancewhenplatingthewaysoftheworld.
"HowIlivewithouther?"
Youdidsofortwenty-sevenyears,sir,andnevermissedherforamoment.
"Imburningwiththefeveroflove!"
Thenweresparedtheexpenseoffires.
"Ishallstealherawayfromherhusbandtolivewithme."
"Whatdoyoupropsetoliveon,sir?"
"Kisses,"hesaiddistractedly."Embraces."
"Well,youwontgrowfatonthat,sir;thoughshewill.Andthen,moremouthstofeed."
"Imsidtiredofyourfoul-mouthedbarbs,Puss,"hesnaps.Amyheartismoved,fornowhespeakstheplain,clear,foolishrhetoricofloveandwhoisthereingenoughtohelphimtohappinessbutI?Scheme,loyalPuss,scheme!
Mywashpleted,Istepoutacrossthesquaretovisitthatcharmingshewhoswormedherwaydirectlyintomyownhitherto-untrammelledheartwithhersharpwitsandherprettyways.Sheexhibitswarmemotiontoseeme;and,oh!whatnewsshehastotellme!Netandpersonalnature,thatturnsmymindtothoughtsofthefuture,and,yes,domestisofmostfamilialnature.Shessavedmeapigstrotter,awholeentirepigstrottertheMissussmuggledtoherwithawink.Afeast!Mastig,Imuse.
"Recapitulate,"Isuggest,"thedailymotionsofSirPantaloonwhehome."
Theysetthecathedralclockbyhim,sidandsularhishabits.Upatthecrack,hemeagrelybreakfastsoffyesterdayscrustsandacupofcoldwater,tosparetheexpenseofheatingitup.Downtohisting-house,tingouthismoney,untilabowlofwell-wateredgruelatmidday.Theafternooestousury,bankrupting,here,asmalltradesman,there,aweepingwidow,forfunandprofit.Dinnersluxurious,atfour;soup,withabitofrancidbeeforatoughbirdinit--hesanarrawiththebutcher,takesunsoldstockoffhishandsiurnforashutmouthaboutapiethathadafingerinit.Fromfour-thirtyuntilfive-thirty,heunlockstheshuttersashiswifelookout,oh,dontIknow!whilehagsitsbesidehertomakesureshedoesntsmile.(Oh,thatblessedflux,thosepreciousloosemihatsetthegameinmotion!)
Andwhileshebreathestheairofevening,why,hechecksuponhischestofgems,hisbalesofsilk,allthosetreasureshelovestoomuchtosharewithdaylightandifhewastesadlewhenhesoindulgeshimself,why,anymaledtooleextravaganotherdraughtofAdamsalehealthfullycludestheday;uphetucksbesidesMissusand,sincesheishisprizepossession,sentstofingerheralittle.Hepalpitatesherhideandslapsherflanks:"Whatagoain!"Alack,ore,notwishingtoprofligatehisnaturalessendsodriftsofftosinlessslumberamidtheprospeold.
"Howrichishe?"
"Croesus."
"Enoughtokeeptwolovingcouples?"
"Sumptuous."
Earlyintheundledm,gropingtotheprivyblearedwithsleep,weretheoldmantoplacehisfootuponthesubfuseyetvolatilefurofashadow-camouflagedyoungtabbycat--
"Youreadmythoughts,mylove."
Isaytomymaster:"Now,yougetyourselfadown,impedimentaallpleteorImdohyou."
"Whatsthis,Puss?"
"DoasIsayandnevermindthereason!Thelessyouknowofwhy,thebetter."
Soheexpendsafewofthehagsducatsonablackgownwithawhitecollarandhisskulldhisblackbagand,undermydireakeshimselfannthatannounces,withallduepomposity,howheisIlFamedDottore:Achescured,paied,bo,graduateofBologna,physiextraordinary.Hedemandstoknow,isshetoplaytheinvalidtogivehimfurtheraccesstoherbedroom?
"Illclaspherinmyarmsandjumpoutofthewindow;wetooshallbothperformthetriplesomersaultoflove."
"Youjustmindyourownbusiness,sir,ameminditforyouaftermyownfashion."
Anotherrawandmistym!Hereinthehills,willtheweathereverge?Sobleakitis,anddreary;buttherehestands,graveasasermoninhisblackgownandhalfthemarketpeopleewithcoughsandboilsandbrokenheadsandIdispeheplastersandthevialsofcolouredwaterIdforethoughtfullystowedinhisbag,hetooagitatotosellforhimself.(And,whoknows,mightwenothavestumbledonaprofitableprofessionforfuturepursuit,ifmypresentplansmiscarry?)
Untildawnshootshislittleyethowflamingarrowpastthecathedralonwhichtheclockstrikessix.Atthelaststroke,thatfamousdoorfliesopenonceagainand--eeeeeeeeeeeeech!thehagletsrip.
"Oh,Doctor,oh,Doctor,equickasyou;oodmanstakenasorrytumble!"
Andweepingfittofloatasmack,sheis,sodoeshedoctorsapprenticeismostcolourfullyandpletelyfurredandwhiskered.
Theoldboobysflatoutatthefootofthestair,hisheadatanacuteamightturnidabigbunchofkeys,still,grinnedinhisrighthandasiftheywerethekeystoheavenmarked:Wantedonvoyage.AndMissus,inher,bendsoverhimrettyairof.
"Afall--"shebeginswhensheseesthedoctorbutstopsshortwhensheseesyourservant,Puss,lookingassuitablydown-in-the-mouthashisicsmilewilllethim,humpinghismasterssto-tradeandhawinglikeasawbones."You,again,"shesays,andtforbeartogiggle.Butthedragonstooblubberedtohear.
Mymasterputshiseartotheoldmaandshakeshisheaddolefully;thehemirrorfromhispocketandputsittotheoldmansmouth.Notabreathcloudsit.Oh,sad!Oh,sorrowful!
"Dead,ishe?"sobsthehag."Brokehisneck,hashe?"
Andsheslylymakesalittlegrabforthekeys,inspiteofherwell-orchestrateddistress;butMissusslapsherhandandshegivesover.
"Letsgethimtoasofterbed,"saysMaster.
Heupsthecorpse,carriesitalofttotheroomweknowfullwell,bumpsPantaloondown,twitchesaneyelid,tapsakneecap,feelsapulse.
"Deadasadoornail,"hepronounces."Itsnotadoctoryouwant,itsaaker."
Missushasahandkerchiefverydutifullyandcorrectlytohereyes.
"Youjustrunalongaone,"shesaystohag."AndthenIllreadthewill.Becausedontthinkhesfottenyou,thoufaithfulservant.Oh,mygoodness,no."
Sooffgoeshag;youneversawawomanofheraccumulatedChristmasesspringsofast.Assoonastheyareleftalorifling,thistime;theyreatit,hammerandtongs,downonthecarpetsihebedisoccupé.Upanddown,upanddownhisarse;inandout,inandoutherlegs.Thensheheaveshimupandthrowshimontheback,herturnatthegrind,now,andyoudthinkshellop.
Toujoursdiscret,Pussoccupieshimselfinunfastenitersandthrowingthewindowsopentothebeautifulbeginninginwhoselivelyyetfragrantairhissensitivenostrilscatchthefirstandvernalhint.Inafewmoments,mydearfriendjoinsme.Inoticealready--orisitonlymyfondimagination?--acharmingnewportlinessinhergait,hithertosoelastic,s-heeled.Andtherewesituponthewindowsilllikethetwogeniiandprotectorsofthehouse;ah,Puss,yourramblingdaysareover.Ishallbeeahearthrugcat,afatandcosycushioncat,singtothemoonnomore,settleatlastamidthesedentaryjoysofadomesticitywetwo,sheandI,havesorichlyearned.
Theircriesofrapturerousemefromthispleasantrevery.
Thehagchooses,naturellement,thistenderifeousmomenttoreturnwiththeuakerinhischiffoopper,plusabrautesblackasbeetles,glumasbailiffs,bearingtheelmboxbetweeakethecorpseawayin.Buttheycheerupsomethingwonderfulattheuedspectaclebeforethemandheandshecludetheiramorousinterludeamidstroarsofapprobationandtorrentsofapplause.
Butwhataracketthehagmakes!Police,murder,thieves!UntiltheMasterchucksherpursefulofgoldbackagain,fratuity.(Meanwhile,Isensibleyoungwoman,mother-nakedassheishasyetthepresenindtocatchholdofherhusbandskeyringandsharplytugitfromhissere,coldgrip.Onceshesgotthekeyssecure,shesinchargeofall.)
"Now,nomoreofyournonsense!"shesnapstohag."IfIherebygiveyouthesack,youllgetahandsomegifttogoalongwithyoufornow"--flourishingthekeys--"Iamarichwidowandhere"--indigtoallmybareyetblissfulmaster--"istheyoungmanwhollbemysedhusband."
WhenthegovernessfoundSignerPanteleonehadindeedrememberedherinhiswill,leftherakeepsakeofthecuphedrankhismwaterfrom,shemadenotasqueakmore,pocketedafatsumwiththanksand,sneezing,tookherselfoffwithnomorecriesof"murder"her.Theoldbuffoonbrisklybundledinhiscoffinandburied;MasteresintoagreatfortuneandMissusroundingoutalreadyandtheyashappyaspigsinplunk.
ButmyTabsbeathertoit,sisdonttakemuchtimeaboutengendering;threefine,new-mintedgitens,allpletewithsnowysodshirtfronts,tumbleinthecreamandtangleMissussknittingandputasmileoneveryfaotjusttheirmothersandproudfathersforTabsandIsmilealldaylongand,thesedays,weputourheartsinit.
Somayallyourwives,ifyouhem,beridpretty;andallyourhusbands,ifyouwantthem,beyoungandvirile;andallyourcatsaswily,perspicaciousandresourcefulas:
PUSS-IN-BOOTS.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
Then,bang!asternhandpullstheshuttersto.Anditwasasifallthevioletsinallthebasketsofalltheflower-sellersdroopedandfadedatondspringstoppeddeadinitstradmight,thistime,noteatall;aleandthebusinessofthesquare,thathadsomagicallyquietedforhissong,nowroseupagainwiththeharshclamourofthelossoflove.
Arudgedrearilyofftodirtysheetsandameansupperofbreadandcheese,allIstealhim,butatleastthepoorsoulmasaheartyappetitenowsheknowshesintheworldandnottheugliestofmortals;forthefirsttimesifatefulm,sleepssound.ButsleepeshardtoPusstonight.Hetakesamidnightstrollacrossthesquare,soonfortablydiscussesaorselofsaltcodhistabbyfriendfoundamongtheashesonthehearthbeforeourverseturnstoothermatters.
"Rats!"shesays."Andtakeyourbootsoff,youuncouthbugger;thosethree-inchheelswreakhavocwiththesoftfleshofmyunderbelly!"
Whenwedrecoveredourselvesalittle,Iaskherwhatshemeansbythose"rats"ofhersandsheproposesherschemetome.Howmymastermustposeasarat-catcherandI,hisambulantmarmaladerat-trap.Hoillthengokilltheratsthatravagemiladysbedchamber,thedaytheoldfoolgoestofetchhisrent,andshehaveherwilloftheladatleisurefor,ifthereisohingthehagfearsmorethanacat,itisaratandshellcowerinacupboardtillthelastratisoffthepremisesbeforesheesout.Oh,thistabbyone,sharpasatackisshe;Igratulateheriywithafewaffeatecuffsroundtheheadandhomeagain,forbreakfast,ubiquitousPuss,here,thereandeverywhere,whosyaro?
Masterapplaudstheratploy;but,astotheratsthemselves;howaretheytoarriveinthehouseinthefirstplace?hequeries.
"Nothingeasier,sir;myaplice,awittysoubrettewholivesamongtheders,dedicatedassheistotheyoungladyshappiness,willpersonallystrewalargenumberofdeadanddyingratsshehasherselfcollectedaboutthebedroomofthesaidingenuesduenna,and,mostparticularly,thatofthesaidingenueherself.Thistobedoomorr,assoonasSirPantalootofetchhisrents.Bygoodfortune,downinthesquare,plyingforhire,arat-catcher!Sinceotabideeitheraratoracat,itfallstomiladytoescorttherat-catcher,herthanyourself,sir,andhisintrepidhunter,myself,tothesiteoftheiion.
"Onceyoureinherbedroom,sir,ifyoudontknowwhattodo,thenIthelpyou."
"Keepyourfoulthoughtstoyourself,Puss."
Somethings,Isee,aresacrosanour.
Sureenough,promptatfiveinthebleakm,Iobservewithmyowhelovelyladyslubberlyhusbandhumpoffonhishorselikeasackofpotatoestorakeinhisdues.Werereadywithn:SIGNORFURIOSO,THELIVIHOFRATS;andihershesborrowedfromtheporter,Ihardlyreisehimmyself,notwiththefalsemoustache.Hecoaxesthechambermaidwithafewkisses--poor,deceivedgirl!loveknowsnoshame--andsoweinstallourselvesunderacertainshutteredwindowwiththegreatpileoftrapssheslentus,thesignofourprofession,Pussperchedatopthembearingthehumbleyetdeterminedlookofaswornenemyofvermin.
Wevenotwaitedmorethanfifteenminutes--andjustaswell,asmanyrat-plaguedBergamotsapproachusalreadyaeasilydissuadedfromemployingus--whenthefrontdoorfliesopenonalustyscream.Thehag,aghast,flingsherarmsroundflingFurioso;howfortuitoustofindhim!But,atthewhiffofme,shessneezingsovaliantly,hereyesawash,theverticalguttersofhernostrilsaswillwithsnot,shebarelydepictthesesitusdomesticusdeadinherbedandall;andworse!intheMissusroom.
SoSignorFuriosoandhisquestingPussareusheredintotheverysanctuaryofthegoddess,ourpresenouncedbyafanfarefromherkeeperonthenoseharp.Attishhoooo!!!
Sleasantinamgownoflooselinen,enuejumpsatthetattooofmybootheelsbutrecoversinstantlyandthewheezing,hawkinghagisinnostatetosnifflemorethan:"Aihatcatbefore?"
"Notace,"saysmymaster."Why,hesebutyesterdaywithmefromMilano."
Soshehastomakedowiththat.
MyTabshasliheverystairswithrats;shesmadeamueofthehagsroombutsomethingmorelivelyoftheladys.Forsomeofherpreyshesverycleverlynotkilledbutcrippled;abigblackbeastieweavesitswaytowardsusovertheturkeycarpet,Puss,pouweenscreamingandsneezing,thehagsinafie,Itellyou,thoughmiladyexhibitsamostpraiseworthyandcollectedpresenind,being,Iguess,ayoungwomanofnosmallgraspso,perhaps,shehasasniffoftheplotalready.
Mymastergoesdownonhandsandkneesuhebed.
"Mygod!"hecries."Theresthebiggesthole,hereinthewainsg,Ieversawinallmyprofessionalcareer!Andtheresanarmyofblackratsgatheringbehindit,readytostormthrough!Toarms!"
But,forallherterror,thehagsloathtoleavetheMasterandmealoodealwiththerats;shecastshereyeonasilver-backedhairbrush,acoralrosary,twitters,hovers,screeches,muttersuntilmiladyassuresher,amidstsesofrisingpandemonium:
"IshallstayheremyselfaSignorFuriosodoesntmakeoffwithmytris.YougoandrecoveryourselfwithaninfusionoffriarsbalsamanddontebatilIcall."
Thehagdeparts;quickasaflash,labelleturnsthekeyinthedooronherandsoftlylaughs;thenaughtyone.
Dusti-flufffromhisknees,SignorFuriosonowstandsslowlyupright;swiftly,heremoveshisfalsemoustache,forofthefarcicalmustmarthisfirst,deliriousenteroftheselovers,mustit.(Poorsoul,howhishandstremble!)
AcedasIamtothesplendid,felinenakednessofmykind,thatoffersnocealmentofthatsoulmademainthefleshoflovers,Iamalwaysalittlemovedbythepoignaicewithwhichhumanityshylyhesitatestodivestitselfofitsclutterofcealingragsinthepresenceofdesire.So,first,thesetwosmile,alittle,asiftosay"Hetomeetyouhere!"uainofalovingwele,still.AnddoIdeceivemyself,ordoIseeateara-twiheerofhiseye?Butwhoisitstepstowardstheotherfirst?Why,she;women,Ithink,are,ofthetwosexes,themorekeenlytuhesweetmusicoftheirbodies.(Apennyformyfoulthoughts,indeed!Doesshe,thatwise,gravepersohenegligee,thinkyouvestagedthisgrandcharademerelyiokissherhand?)But,then--oh,rettyblush!stepsbaowitshisturntotaketwostepsforwardinthesarabandofEros.
Icouldwish,though,theyddatlefaster;thehagwillsoonrecoverfromherspasmsandshallshefindtheminflagrante?
Hishand,then,trembling,uponherbosom;hers,initiallymorehesitant,sequentiallymorepurposeful,uponhisbreeches.Therarancebreaks;thatsealhaveringdone,Ineversawtwofalltoitwithsuchappetite.Asifthewhirlwindgotintotheirfiheystripeachotherbareinatwinklingandshefallsbathebed,showshimthetarget,hedisplaysthedart,scoresaninstantbullseye.Bravo!Neverthatoldbedhaveshookwithsuchastormbefore.Andtheirsweetutterings,poorthings:"Inever...""Mydarling...""More..."Ac.etoughtomeltthethorheart.
Herisesuponhiselbowsondgaspsatme:"Mimicthemurderoftherats,Puss!MaskthemusicofVenuswiththatclamourofDiana!"
A-huntingweshallgo!Loyaltothelast,IplaycatchascatwithTabsdeadrats,givingthedyingthecoupdegradbayingwithresonantvigourtodrowravagantscreechesthatbreakforthfromthat(whowouldhavesuspected?)morepassionateyoungwomanassheesoffiyle.(Fullmarks,Master.)
Atthat,theoldhagesbatteringatthedoor.Whatsgoingon?Whyfortheracket?Andthedoorrattlesonitshinges.
"Peace!"criesSignerFurioso."HaventIjustnowblockedthegreathole?"
Butmiladysinnohurrytodonhersmockagaiakesherlovelytimeaboutit;sofullofpleasuregratifiedherlanguorouslimbsyoudthinkherverynavelsmiled.Shepecksmymasterprettilythank-youonthecheek,wetsthegumonhisfalsemoustachewiththetipofherstrawberrytongueandsticksitbahisupperlipforhim,thesherwardressintotheseofthefauxagewiththemostmodestandirreproachableairintheworld.
"See!Pusshasslaughteredalltherats."
Irush,purringproud,togreetthehag;instantly,hereyesoerflow."Whythebedclothessodisordered?"shesqueaks,notquitebli,byphlegmandchoseforherpostfromalltheotherapplicationsonatofhersuspiind,even(oh,dutiful)wheningrandepeurdesrats.
"Pusshadamightybattlewiththebiggestbeastyoueversawuponthisverybed;tyouseethebloodstainsonthesheets?Andnow,whatdoweoweyou,SignerFurioso,forthissingularservice?"
"Ahundredducats,"saysI,quickasaflash,forIknowmymaster,lefttohimself,wouldlikeanhonourablefool,takenothing.
"Thatstheentirehouseholdexpensesforamonth!"wailsavariceswell-chosenaplice.
"Andwortheverypenny!Forthoseratswouldhaveeatenusoutofhouseandhome."Iseetheglimmeringsofsturdybaeinthislittlelady."Go,paythemfromyourprivatesavingsthatIknowof,thatyouveskimmedoffthehousekeeping."
Mutteringandmoaningbutnothingforitexcepttodoassheisbid;andthefuriousSirandItakeoffalaundrybasketfullofdeadratsassouvenir--wedropit,plop!inthesewer.Andsitdowntoonedinnerholypaidfor,forawonder.
Buttheyoungfoolisoffhisfeedagain.Pusheshisplateaside,laughs,weeps,burieshisheadinhishandsand,timeandtimeandtimeagaihewindowtostareattheshuttersbehindwhichhissweetheartscrubsthebloodawayandmydearTabsrestsfromhersupremeexertios,forawhile,andscribbles;ripsthepageinfour,hurlsitaside.Ispearafallingfragmentwithaclaw.DearGod,hestooktowritiry.
"Imustandwillhaveherforever,"heexclaims.
Iseemyplanhasetonothing.Satisfahasnotsatisfiedhim;thatsoultheybothsawihersbodieshassusatiablehungernosinglemealcouldeverappeaseit.Ifalltothetoiletteofmyhinderparts,myfavouritestancewhenplatingthewaysoftheworld.
"HowIlivewithouther?"
Youdidsofortwenty-sevenyears,sir,andnevermissedherforamoment.
"Imburningwiththefeveroflove!"
Thenweresparedtheexpenseoffires.
"Ishallstealherawayfromherhusbandtolivewithme."
"Whatdoyoupropsetoliveon,sir?"
"Kisses,"hesaiddistractedly."Embraces."
"Well,youwontgrowfatonthat,sir;thoughshewill.Andthen,moremouthstofeed."
"Imsidtiredofyourfoul-mouthedbarbs,Puss,"hesnaps.Amyheartismoved,fornowhespeakstheplain,clear,foolishrhetoricofloveandwhoisthereingenoughtohelphimtohappinessbutI?Scheme,loyalPuss,scheme!
Mywashpleted,Istepoutacrossthesquaretovisitthatcharmingshewhoswormedherwaydirectlyintomyownhitherto-untrammelledheartwithhersharpwitsandherprettyways.Sheexhibitswarmemotiontoseeme;and,oh!whatnewsshehastotellme!Netandpersonalnature,thatturnsmymindtothoughtsofthefuture,and,yes,domestisofmostfamilialnature.Shessavedmeapigstrotter,awholeentirepigstrottertheMissussmuggledtoherwithawink.Afeast!Mastig,Imuse.
"Recapitulate,"Isuggest,"thedailymotionsofSirPantaloonwhehome."
Theysetthecathedralclockbyhim,sidandsularhishabits.Upatthecrack,hemeagrelybreakfastsoffyesterdayscrustsandacupofcoldwater,tosparetheexpenseofheatingitup.Downtohisting-house,tingouthismoney,untilabowlofwell-wateredgruelatmidday.Theafternooestousury,bankrupting,here,asmalltradesman,there,aweepingwidow,forfunandprofit.Dinnersluxurious,atfour;soup,withabitofrancidbeeforatoughbirdinit--hesanarrawiththebutcher,takesunsoldstockoffhishandsiurnforashutmouthaboutapiethathadafingerinit.Fromfour-thirtyuntilfive-thirty,heunlockstheshuttersashiswifelookout,oh,dontIknow!whilehagsitsbesidehertomakesureshedoesntsmile.(Oh,thatblessedflux,thosepreciousloosemihatsetthegameinmotion!)
Andwhileshebreathestheairofevening,why,hechecksuponhischestofgems,hisbalesofsilk,allthosetreasureshelovestoomuchtosharewithdaylightandifhewastesadlewhenhesoindulgeshimself,why,anymaledtooleextravaganotherdraughtofAdamsalehealthfullycludestheday;uphetucksbesidesMissusand,sincesheishisprizepossession,sentstofingerheralittle.Hepalpitatesherhideandslapsherflanks:"Whatagoain!"Alack,ore,notwishingtoprofligatehisnaturalessendsodriftsofftosinlessslumberamidtheprospeold.
"Howrichishe?"
"Croesus."
"Enoughtokeeptwolovingcouples?"
"Sumptuous."
Earlyintheundledm,gropingtotheprivyblearedwithsleep,weretheoldmantoplacehisfootuponthesubfuseyetvolatilefurofashadow-camouflagedyoungtabbycat--
"Youreadmythoughts,mylove."
Isaytomymaster:"Now,yougetyourselfadown,impedimentaallpleteorImdohyou."
"Whatsthis,Puss?"
"DoasIsayandnevermindthereason!Thelessyouknowofwhy,thebetter."
Soheexpendsafewofthehagsducatsonablackgownwithawhitecollarandhisskulldhisblackbagand,undermydireakeshimselfannthatannounces,withallduepomposity,howheisIlFamedDottore:Achescured,paied,bo,graduateofBologna,physiextraordinary.Hedemandstoknow,isshetoplaytheinvalidtogivehimfurtheraccesstoherbedroom?
"Illclaspherinmyarmsandjumpoutofthewindow;wetooshallbothperformthetriplesomersaultoflove."
"Youjustmindyourownbusiness,sir,ameminditforyouaftermyownfashion."
Anotherrawandmistym!Hereinthehills,willtheweathereverge?Sobleakitis,anddreary;buttherehestands,graveasasermoninhisblackgownandhalfthemarketpeopleewithcoughsandboilsandbrokenheadsandIdispeheplastersandthevialsofcolouredwaterIdforethoughtfullystowedinhisbag,hetooagitatotosellforhimself.(And,whoknows,mightwenothavestumbledonaprofitableprofessionforfuturepursuit,ifmypresentplansmiscarry?)
Untildawnshootshislittleyethowflamingarrowpastthecathedralonwhichtheclockstrikessix.Atthelaststroke,thatfamousdoorfliesopenonceagainand--eeeeeeeeeeeeech!thehagletsrip.
"Oh,Doctor,oh,Doctor,equickasyou;oodmanstakenasorrytumble!"
Andweepingfittofloatasmack,sheis,sodoeshedoctorsapprenticeismostcolourfullyandpletelyfurredandwhiskered.
Theoldboobysflatoutatthefootofthestair,hisheadatanacuteamightturnidabigbunchofkeys,still,grinnedinhisrighthandasiftheywerethekeystoheavenmarked:Wantedonvoyage.AndMissus,inher,bendsoverhimrettyairof.
"Afall--"shebeginswhensheseesthedoctorbutstopsshortwhensheseesyourservant,Puss,lookingassuitablydown-in-the-mouthashisicsmilewilllethim,humpinghismasterssto-tradeandhawinglikeasawbones."You,again,"shesays,andtforbeartogiggle.Butthedragonstooblubberedtohear.
Mymasterputshiseartotheoldmaandshakeshisheaddolefully;thehemirrorfromhispocketandputsittotheoldmansmouth.Notabreathcloudsit.Oh,sad!Oh,sorrowful!
"Dead,ishe?"sobsthehag."Brokehisneck,hashe?"
Andsheslylymakesalittlegrabforthekeys,inspiteofherwell-orchestrateddistress;butMissusslapsherhandandshegivesover.
"Letsgethimtoasofterbed,"saysMaster.
Heupsthecorpse,carriesitalofttotheroomweknowfullwell,bumpsPantaloondown,twitchesaneyelid,tapsakneecap,feelsapulse.
"Deadasadoornail,"hepronounces."Itsnotadoctoryouwant,itsaaker."
Missushasahandkerchiefverydutifullyandcorrectlytohereyes.
"Youjustrunalongaone,"shesaystohag."AndthenIllreadthewill.Becausedontthinkhesfottenyou,thoufaithfulservant.Oh,mygoodness,no."
Sooffgoeshag;youneversawawomanofheraccumulatedChristmasesspringsofast.Assoonastheyareleftalorifling,thistime;theyreatit,hammerandtongs,downonthecarpetsihebedisoccupé.Upanddown,upanddownhisarse;inandout,inandoutherlegs.Thensheheaveshimupandthrowshimontheback,herturnatthegrind,now,andyoudthinkshellop.
Toujoursdiscret,Pussoccupieshimselfinunfastenitersandthrowingthewindowsopentothebeautifulbeginninginwhoselivelyyetfragrantairhissensitivenostrilscatchthefirstandvernalhint.Inafewmoments,mydearfriendjoinsme.Inoticealready--orisitonlymyfondimagination?--acharmingnewportlinessinhergait,hithertosoelastic,s-heeled.Andtherewesituponthewindowsilllikethetwogeniiandprotectorsofthehouse;ah,Puss,yourramblingdaysareover.Ishallbeeahearthrugcat,afatandcosycushioncat,singtothemoonnomore,settleatlastamidthesedentaryjoysofadomesticitywetwo,sheandI,havesorichlyearned.
Theircriesofrapturerousemefromthispleasantrevery.
Thehagchooses,naturellement,thistenderifeousmomenttoreturnwiththeuakerinhischiffoopper,plusabrautesblackasbeetles,glumasbailiffs,bearingtheelmboxbetweeakethecorpseawayin.Buttheycheerupsomethingwonderfulattheuedspectaclebeforethemandheandshecludetheiramorousinterludeamidstroarsofapprobationandtorrentsofapplause.
Butwhataracketthehagmakes!Police,murder,thieves!UntiltheMasterchucksherpursefulofgoldbackagain,fratuity.(Meanwhile,Isensibleyoungwoman,mother-nakedassheishasyetthepresenindtocatchholdofherhusbandskeyringandsharplytugitfromhissere,coldgrip.Onceshesgotthekeyssecure,shesinchargeofall.)
"Now,nomoreofyournonsense!"shesnapstohag."IfIherebygiveyouthesack,youllgetahandsomegifttogoalongwithyoufornow"--flourishingthekeys--"Iamarichwidowandhere"--indigtoallmybareyetblissfulmaster--"istheyoungmanwhollbemysedhusband."
WhenthegovernessfoundSignerPanteleonehadindeedrememberedherinhiswill,leftherakeepsakeofthecuphedrankhismwaterfrom,shemadenotasqueakmore,pocketedafatsumwiththanksand,sneezing,tookherselfoffwithnomorecriesof"murder"her.Theoldbuffoonbrisklybundledinhiscoffinandburied;MasteresintoagreatfortuneandMissusroundingoutalreadyandtheyashappyaspigsinplunk.
ButmyTabsbeathertoit,sisdonttakemuchtimeaboutengendering;threefine,new-mintedgitens,allpletewithsnowysodshirtfronts,tumbleinthecreamandtangleMissussknittingandputasmileoneveryfaotjusttheirmothersandproudfathersforTabsandIsmilealldaylongand,thesedays,weputourheartsinit.
Somayallyourwives,ifyouhem,beridpretty;andallyourhusbands,ifyouwantthem,beyoungandvirile;andallyourcatsaswily,perspicaciousandresourcefulas:
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