9

  Goldmuheareafrommanypreviousrides.Theknightownedabarnbeyondthefrozenmarsh,andfartherontherewasafarmhousewherehewasknown;hedbeabletorestahenightihoseplaces.Everythingelsehadtowaituntiltradually,thefeelingoffreedomaattookholdofhimagain;hehadgrownunacedtoit.Itdidnothaveapleasanttasteonthisicy,gloomywinterday;itsmelledstronglyofhardship,hunger,andwant,ahevastnessofit,itsgreatexpasmercilessharshnesswasalmostfandsoothingtohisspoiled,fusedheart.

  Hewalkeduntilhefelttired.Myridingdaysareover,hethought.Oh,wideworld!Alittlesnowwasfalling.Iaheedgesoftheforestfusedwithgrayclouds;infinitesileretchedtotheendoftheworld.WhateningtoLydia,thatpuishedheart?Hefeltbitterlysorryforher;hethoughtofhertenderlyasherestedunderabare,lonelyashinthemiddleofthedesertedmarshland.Finallythecolddrovehimon.Stiff-legged,hestoodup,forcedhimselftoabriskpace;themeagerlightofthedrabdayalreadyseemedtobedwindling.Theslowtrotacrossthebarefieldsputaohismusing.Itwasnotaquestionofthinkingnow,orofhaviions,nomatterhowdelicateaiful;itwasnowaquestionofkeepingalive,ofreagaspotforthenightintime,ofgettingthroughthiscold,inhospitableworldlikeamartenorafox,andnotgivingouttoosoon,intheopenfields.Everythingelsewasunimportant.

  Hethoughtheheardthesoundofdistanthoofsandlookedaroundinsurprise.Couldanyonebefollowinghim?Hereachedforthesmallhuntingknifeinhispocketandslippedoffthewoodeh.Theriderbecamevisible;hereizedahorsefromtheknightsstable;stubbornlyitwasheadingtowardhim.Fleeingwouldhavebeenuseless.Hestoppedandwaited,withoutactualfear,butverytenseandcurious,hisheartbeatingfaster.Forasedathoughtshhhishead:"IfIkilledthisrider,howwelloffIdbe;Idhaveahorseandtheworldwouldbemine."Butwhenhereizedtherider,theyoungstableboyHans,withhislight-blue,wateryeyesandthegood,embarrassedboysface,hehadtolaugh;tomurderthisgooddearfellow,onewouldhavetohaveaheartofstone.HegreetedHanswithafriendlyhandandtenderlypattedHannibal,thehorse,onitswarm,moistneck;itreizedhimimmediately.

  "Whereareyouheaded,Hans?"heasked.

  "Toyou,"laughedtheboywithshinih."Yooddistance.Itstay;Imoogiveyardsandthis."

  &quardsfromwhom?"

  "FromLadyLydia.Well,youcertainlygaveusanastyday,MasterGoldmund,Iwasgladtogetawayforawhile.ButthesquiremustnotknowthatIvebeengone,andwithanerrandthatcouldemyneck.Here!"

  Hehandedhimasmallpackage;Goldmundtookit.

  "Isay,Hans,youdonthappentohaveapieceofbreadinoneofyourpocketsthatyoumightgiveme?"

  "Bread?Imightfindacrust."Herummagedinhispocketsandpulledoutapieceofblackbread.Theedtorideoffagain.

  "Howisthelady?"askedGoldmund."Didntshegiveyouanymessage?Nolittleletter?"

  "Nothing.Isawheronlyforamoment.Theresastormatthehouse,youknow;thesquireispaglikeKingSaul.Shetoldmetogiveyouthesethings,andnothingelse.Ivegottogetbaow."

  "Allright,allright,justamomentmore!Say,Hans,youcouldmehaveyourhuntingknife?Iveonlyasmallone.Whenthewolveseandallthat—itwouldbebetterifIhadsomethingsolidinhand."

  ButHanswouldnothearofthat.Hedbeverysorry,hesaid,ifsomethingshouldhappentoMasterGoldmund.Buthecouldnotpartwithhisjaife,no,never,notformoney,noraseither,no,no,notevenifSaintGenevieveinpersonaskedhimforit.There,andogetamoveon,andhedidwishhimwell,andhedidfeelsorryabouteverything.

  Theyshookhandsandtheboyrodeoff.Goldmundlookedafterhimwithastrangepaininhisheart.Thenheunpackedthethings,happytohavethestrongcalfs-leathercordthatheldthemtogether.Insidehefoundaknittedundervestofthickgraywool,whichapparentlyLydiahadmadeforhimherself,andtherewasalsosomethinghard,welledinthewool,apie:asmallslithadbeentothehamandashinygoldpiecehadbeenstutotheslit.Therewasnowrittenmessage.Hestoodinthesnow,undecided,holdingLydiasgiftsinhishands.Theookoffhisjacketandslippedintotheknittedvest;itfeltpleasantlywarm.Quicklyheputhisjacketba,hidthegoldpiehissafestpocket,woundthecordaroundhiswaist,andtinuedhiswalkacrossthefields.Itwastimehereachedaplacetorest;hehadgrowired.Buthedidntfeellikegoingtothefarmhouse,althoughitwouldhavebeenwarmerandhedprobablyalsohavefoundsomemilkthere;hedidntfeellikechattingandbeingaskedquestions.Hespentthenightinthebarn,tinuedonhiswayearlythem,infrostandsharpwind,driventolongmarchesbythecold.Formanynightshedreamedoftheknightwithhisswordandofthetwosisters;formanydayslonelinessandmelancholyweighedonhisheart.

  Thefollowingeveninghefoundaplaceforthenightinavillage,wherethepeasantsweresopoortheyhadnobread,onlygruel.Here,newadventuresawaitedhim.Duringthenight,thepeasantwomanwhoseguesthewasgavebirthtoachild.Goldmundresentwhileithappeheyhadwakedhimirawtoeandhelp,althoughtherewasnothingforhimtodofinally,exceptholdthelightwhilethemidwifewentaboutherbusiness.Forthefirsttimehewitnessedabirth.Withastonished,burningeyeshegazedatthefaceofthewomaninlabor,richersuddenlybythisnewexperieanyratetheexpressioninthewomansfaceseemedmostremarkabletohim.Inthelightofthetorch,ashestaredwithgreatcuriosityintothefaceofthescreamingwoman,lyingthereinpain,hewasstruckbysomethingued:thelihescreamingwomansdistortedfacewerelittledifferentfromthosehehadseeninotherwomensfacesduringthemomentoflovesecstasy.True,theexpressionofgreatpainwasmoreviolentanddisfiguringthantheexpressionofultimatepassion—butessentiallyitwasnotdifferent,itwasthesameslightlygrinningtra,thesamesuddenglowainiraculously,withoutuandingwhy,hewassurprisedbytherealizationthatpainandjoycouldresembleeachothersoclosely.

  Aanotherexperienceawaitedhiminthatvillage.Themafterthebirth,heranintotheneighborswife,whosoonrepliedtotheamorousquestioningofhiseyes.Hestayedaseightandmadethewomanveryhappysiwasthefirsttimeinmanyweeksofexcitationanddisappoihathisdesireswerefinallystilled.Thisdelayledtoanewexperience:hefoundapaniononthatseddayinthevillage,alanky,daringfellownamedViktor,wholookedhalflikeapriestandhalflikeahighwayrobber.

  ViktreetedhimwithscrapsofLatin,claimingtobeatravelingstudent,althoughhewaslongpasthisstudentyears.HeointedbeardaedGoldmundwithacertaiinessandhighwayhumorthatquicklywontheyoungerman.

  ToGoldmundsquestions,wherehehadstudiedandwherehewasheaded,thisstrangefellowreplied:"Bymydestitutesoul,Ihavevisitedenoughplacesofhighlearning.IvebeentoCologoParis,andfewscholarshaveexpresseddeeperthoughtsoaphysicsofliverwurstthanIinmydissertationatLeyden.Sihen,amicus,I,poorbastardthatIam,havecrossedandrecrossedtheGermanEmpireinalldireydearsoultorturedbyimmeasurablehungerandthirst.Viktor,thepeasantterror,theycallme.MyprofessionisteagLatintoyoungwivesandtrigsausagesoutofeysandintomybelly.Mygoalisthebedofthemayorswife,andifthecrowsdontchewmeupbeforehand,Illhardlybeabletoavoidtheobligationofdedigmyselftothetiresomeprofessionofarchbishop.Itisbetter,mydearyoungcolleague,tolivefromhandtomouththaherwayround,and,afterall,aroastedharehasneverfeltbetterthaninmyhumblestomach.ThekingofBohemiaismybrother,andourfatherinheavenfeedshimashedoesme,althoughheinsiststhatIlendhimahand,andthedaybeforeyesterdaythisfather,hardheartedasfathersare,triedtomisusemeiosavethelifeofahalf-starvedwolf.IfIhadntkilledthebeast,you,mydearcolleague,wouldnothavethehonorofmakingmyfasatingacquaintansaeculasae,amen."

  GoldmundwasstillunfamiliarwiththegallowshumorandwayfaringLatinofthiswanderer.Hefeltabitscaredofthelanky,bristlyrasdtheraspinglaughterwithwhichheapplaudedhisownjokes,yettherewassomethingaboutthishard-boiledvagrantthatdidpleasehim,andhereadilylethimselfbepersuadedtotihejourhhim,because,whetherthevanquishedwolfwasboastingorthetruth,twowereindisputablystrohanoneandhadlesstofear.Butbeforetinuingthejourney,brotherViktorwaospeakabitofLatintothepeople,ashecalledit,andinstalledhimselfinthehouseofohepoorerpeasants.Hedidnotfollowthepractiundhadsofarappliedontheroad,whereverhehadbeentheguestofafarmhouseoravillage;Viktorwentfromhuttohut,chattedwitheverywoman,stuckhisoeverystableandkit,anddidnotseemwillingtoleavebeforeeachhousehadpaidhimatollandatribute.HetoldthepeasantsaboutthewarinItalyandsang,besidetheirhearths,thesongofthebattleofPavia.Hereendedremediesforarthritisandlooseteethtothegrandmothers;heseemedtoknoweverything,tohavebeeneverywhere.Hestuffedhisshirtabovethebeltfulltoburstingwiththepiecesofbread,nuts,anddriedpearsthepeasantshadgivenhim.WithsurpriseGoldmundwatchedhimwagehiscampaign,listeohimnhten,nowflatterthepeople,boastandwintheiradmiration,speakbrokenLatinandplaythescholar,amomentimpressthemwithbrash,colorfulthievesslang,sawhow,inthemiddleofataleorlearalkhissharp,watchfuleyesrecordedeveryface,everytabledrawerthatulledopen,everydish,everyloafofbread.Hesawthatthiswasaseasonedadventurerwhohadbeenexposedtoallwalksoflife,whohadseenandlivedthroughmuch,whohadstarvedagooddeal,andshivered,andgrownshrewdandimpudentierstruggleforameager,dangerousexistehiswaswhatbecameofpeoplewholedawandererslifeforalongtime!Wouldhe,too,belikethatoneday?

  Them,astheymovedon,forthefirsttimeGoldmundhadatasteofwalkinginpany.Forthreedaystheywereontheroadtogether,andGoldmundfoundthisandthattolearnfromViktor.Applyihingtothethreebasieedsofthehomeless—skirtih,findingaplaceforthenight,andasourceoffood—hadbeeaninstinctwithViktor.Hehadlearnedmuchduringthemanyyearsofroamingtheworld.Theproximityofhumanhabitationbyalmostinvisiblesigns,eveninwinight,toieverynookandyiorfieldasapotentialrestingorsleepingplace;toseantly,upoeringaroom,thedegreeofprosperityormiseryoftheowner,aswellasthedegreeofhisgoodheartedness,orhiscuriosity,orfear—theseweretrickswhichViktorhadlongsiered.Hetoldhisyoungpanionmanyinstructivethings.Onundrepliedthathewouldnotliketoapproachpeoplefromsuchapurposefulpointofviewandthat,althoughhewasunfamiliarwithallthesetricks,hehadonlyrarelybeenrefusedhospitalityuponhisfriendlyrequest.LankyVikthedandsaidgood-humoredly:"Wellsure,littleGoldmund,youmaynothaveto,youresoyoungay,youlooksoi,yourfaceisagoodreendation.Thewomenlikeyouahink:OhLord,hesharmless,hewouldnthurtafly.Butlookhere,littlebrother,amasolder,thebabyfacegrowsabeardandwrinkles,yourpantswearoutandbeforeyouknowityouareanugly,unweleguest,andinsteadofyouthandinnoothingbuthungerisstaringoutofyoureyes.Atthatpointyouvegottobehard,youvegottohavelearnedafewthingsabouttheworld;orelseyoullsoonfindyourselflyingonthedungheapandthedogslleandpeeonyou.ButIdontthinkthatyoullberunningaroundfortoolonganyhow,yourhandsaretoodelicateandyourcurlstoopretty,youllcrawlbacktowherelifeiseasier,intoanicewarmjugalbedoodfatcloisterorsomebeautifullyheatedwritingroom.Andyourclothesaresofine,youcouldbetakenforasquire."

  Stilllaughing,heranhishandsoldmundsclothes.Goldmundcouldfeelthesehandsgropeandsearchalongeveryseamandpocket;hedrewbadthoughtofhisgoldpiece.Hetoldofhisstayattheknightshouse,thathehadearnedhisfihesbywritingLatin.Viktorwaoknowwhyhehadleftsuchawarminthemiddleofwinter,andGoldmund,whowasnotacedtolying,toldhimalittleabouttheknightstwodaughters.Thisledtotheirfirstquarrel.ViktorthoughtGoldmundaninparablefoolforhavingrunoffahecastleandtheladiestothecareofthegoodLord.Thatsituationhadtoberemedied,hedseetothat.Theydvisitthecastle;ofcoldmundcouldnotbeseenthere,butheshouldleavethattohim.GoldmundwastowritealittlelettertoLydia,sayingthisandthat,andhe,Viktor,wouldtakeittothecastleand,bytheSaviourswounds,hewouldnotebackwithoutalittlesomethingofthisandthat,moneyandloot.Andsoon.Goldmundrefusedandfinallybecameviolent;hedidnotwanttohearanotherwordaboutthematter,nordidhetellViktortheheknightorthewaytothecastle.

  WhenViktorsawhimsoangry,helaughedagainandplayedthejovialpanion."Well,"hesaid,"dontbiteyourteethout!Immerelytellingyouthatyourelettingagoodcatchslipthroughers,myboy.Thatsnotverynidbrotherlyofyou.Butyoudontwantto,youreanobleman,youllreturntoyourcastleonahighhorseandmarrythelady!Boy,yourheadisburstingwithnonsense!Well,itsallrightwithme,letswalkonandfreezeourtoesoff."

  Goldmundremainedgrumpyandsilentuntilevening,butsiheyeitheruponahousenoruponpeoplethatday,hegratefullyletViktorpickaplaceforthenight,lethimbuildawindbreakbetweentwotreesattheedgeoftheforestandmakeabedwithanabundanceofpinebraheyatebreadandcheesefromViktorsfullpockets.Goldmuashamedofhisangerandtriedtobepoliteandhelpful;heofferedhispanionhiswoolenjacketforthenight.Theyagreedtotaketurnskeepingwatchagainsttheanimals,andGoldmundtookoverthefirstvigilwhileViktorlaydownonthepinebranches.ForalongtimeGoldmundstoodquietlywithhisbackagainstafirtrunkitokeeptheothermanfromfallingasleep.Thecoldaopace.Heranbadforthatgreateraerdistances,sawthetipsoffirsjutsharplyintothepalesky,feltthedeepsilehesolemnandslightlyawesomewinternight,heardhiswarmlivibeatlonelyinthecold,echolesssilence,walkedquietlybadlistehebreathingofhissleepingpanion.Morepowerfullythaneverhewasseizedbyafeelingofhomelessness,withoutahouse,castle,orcloisterwallbetweenhimandthegreatfear,runningnakedandalohroughtheinprehensible,hostileworld,aloneuheogstars,amochfulanimals,thepatient,steadytrees.

  hought,hewouldneverbeelikeViktor,evenifhewanderedfortherestofhislife.HewouldneverbeabletolearnViktorswayoffightingthehorror,hissly,thievishsqueakingby,hisloudbrazesandwordyhumor.Perhapsthisshrewd,impudentmanwasright;perhapsGoldmundwouldneverpletelybeehisequal,ogetheravagrant.Perhapshewouldsomedaycreepbackbehindsomesortofwall.Althougheventhenhewouldremainhomelessandaimless,neverfeelreallysafeandprotected,theworldwouldalwayssurroundhimwithmysteriousbeautyandeeriness;againandagainhewouldbemadetolistentothissilenwhichhisheartbeatsoundedanguishedaiarswerevisible,therewasnowind,buthighthecloudsseemedtobemoving.

  AfteralongtimeViktorawoke—Goldmundhadlikewakinghim—andcalledtohim."e,"hecalled,"yourturntocatesleep,oryoullbenogoodtomorrow."

  Goldmundobeyed;hestretchedoutonthepinebedandclosedhiseyes.Hewasextremelytiredbutdidnotfallasleep.Histhoughtskepthimawake,andsomethingelsebesidesthoughts,afeelinghedidnotadmittohimself,anuneasinessanddistrustthathadtodowithhispanion.Itwasinceivabletohimnowthathehadtoldthiscrude,loud-laughingman,thisjesterandbrazenbeggar,aboutLydia.Hewasangrywithhimandwithhimselfandwonderedhowhecouldfindawayandanopportunitytogetridofhim.

  Afteranhourorso,Viktorbentoverhimandagainbeganfeelinghispocketsandseams;Goldmundfrozewithrage.Hedidnotmove,hemerelyopenedhiseyesandsaiddisdainfully:"Goaway,Ihavenothingworthstealing."

  Hiswordsshockedthethief;hegrabbedGoldmundbythethroatandsqueezed.Goldmundfoughtbadtriedtogetup,butViktorpressedharder,kneelingonhischest.Goldmundcouldhardlybreathe.Violentlyhewrithedandjerkedwithhiswholebody,andwhenhecouldnotfreehimself,thefearofdeathshhhimandmadehismindsharpandlucid.Hemaosliponehandinhispocket,pullouthissmallhuntingknife,andwhiletheothermantiranglinghimhethrusttheknifeseveraltimesintothebodythatwaskneelingonhim.Afteramoment,Viktorshago;therewasairagainandGoldmuheditdeeply,wildly,savhisrescuedlife.Hetriedtositup;limpandsoft,hislankypanionsankintoaheapontopofhimwithaghastlysigh.Hisbloodranoldmundsfalynowwasheabletositup.Inthegrayshimmerofthenighthesawthelongmanlyinginahuddle;hereachedouttohimandtouchedonlyblood.Heliftedthemanshead;itfellback,heavyandsoftlikeabag.Bloodspilledfromhischestandneck;fromhismouthliferanoutindelirious,weakeningsighs.

  "NowIhavemurderedaman,"thoughtGoldmund.Againandagaihoughtit,ashekoverthedyingmanandsawpallorspreadoverhisface."DearMod,Ihavekilledaman,"heheardhimselfsay.

  Suddenlyhecouldostayamomentlonger.Hepickeduphisknife,wipeditacrossthewoolewhichtheothermanwaswearing,whichLydiashandshadknittedforherbeloved;heslippedtheknifebatoitswoodehandintohispocket,jumpedupandranawayasfastashecould.

  Thedeathofthecheerfulwayfarerlayheavyonhissoul;shuddering,asthedaygrewlighthewashedawayinthesnowthebloodhehadspilled;andthenhewanderedaboutforanotherdayandanht,aimlessandanguished.Finallyhisbodysneedsshockedhimoutofhisfear-filledrepentance.

  Lostinthedeserted,snow-coveredlandscape,withoutshelter,withoutapath,withoutfoodandalmostwithoutsleep,hefellintoabottomlessdespair.Hungercriedinhisbellylikeawildbeast;severaltimesexhaustionovercamehiminthemiddleofafield.Heclosedhiseyesandthoughtthathisendhade,wishedonlytofallasleep,todieinthesnow.Butagainandagaihingforcedhimbahisfeet.Desperately,greedilyheranforhislife,delightedandintoxicatedinthemidstofbitterwantbythisinsane,savagestrengthofwillnottodie,bythismonstrousforceofthenakeddrivetolive.Withfrost-bluehandshepickedtiny,dried-upberriesoffthesnow-coveredjuniperbushesahebrittle,bitterstuff,togetherwithpineneedles.Thetastewasexglysharp;hedevouredhandfulsofsnowagainsthisthirst.Breathless,blowingintohisstiffhands,hesatontopofthehillforabriefrest.Avidlyhelookedabout:nothingbutheathandforest,notraceofahumanbeing.Afewcrowscircledabovehim;helookedatthemangrily.No,theywerenotgoingtofeedonhim,notaslongastherewasanourengthleftinhislegs,asparkofwarmthinhisblood.Hegotupandresumedhismercilessracewithdeath.Heranonandon,inafeverofexhaustionandultimateeffort.Strahoughtstookholdofhim;heheldmadversationswithhimself,nowsilent,nowloud.HespoketoViktor,whomhehadstabbedtodeath.Harshlyandironicallyhespoketohim:"Well,myshrewdbrother,howisitwithyou?Isthemoonshiningthroughyourbowels,oldfellow?Arethefoxespullingyourears?Youkilledawolf,yousay?Didyoubitehimthroughthethroat,ortearoffhistail,orwhat?Youwaostealmygoldpiece,youoldguzzler!ButlittleGoldmouthsurprisedyou,didnthe,oldfrieickledyouintheribs!Andallthewhileyoustillhadbagsfullofbreadandsausageandcheese,youstuffedpig!"Hecoughedandbarkedmockeries;heinsultedthedeadmariumphedoverhim,hejeeredathimbecausehehadlethimselfbeslaughtered,thefool,thestupidbraggart!

  ButafterawhilehisthoughtsandwordsturnedawayfromlankyViktor.HesawJuliewalkingaheadofhim,beautifullittleJulie,asshehadlefthimthatnight;hecalledtlessendearmentstoher,triedtoseduceherwithdelirious,shamelesscajoleries,tomakeheretohim,tomakeherdrhtgown,torideuptoheavenwithhimduringthislasthourbeforedeath,forashortmomentbeforehismiserableend.Heimploredandandedherhighlittlebreasts,herlegs,theblondkinkyhairunderherarms.

  Trottingthroughthebarren,snow-coveredheathwithstiff,stumblinglegs,drunkwithmisery,triumphantwiththeflickeringdesiretolive,hebegantowhisper.NowitwasNarcissustowhomhespoke,towhomheunicatedhisretrevelations,insights,andironies.

  "Areyouscared,Narcissus,"hesaidtohim,"areyoushuddering,didyounotiething?Yes,myrespectedfriend,theworldisfullofdeath,fullofdeath.Deathsitsoneveryfeandsbehiree.Buildingwallsanddormitoriesandchapelsandchurcheswontkeepdeathout;deathlooksinthroughthewindow,laughing,knowingeveryoneofyou.Inthemiddleofthenightyouhearlaughterunderyourwindowandsomeonecallsyourname.Goahead,singyourpsalms,burydlesatthealtar,sayyoureveningprayersandyourmprayers,gatherherbsinyourlaboratory,collectbooksinyourlibraries.Areyoufasting,dearfriend?Areyoudeprivingyourselfofsleep?Helllendyouahand,ouroldfriendtheReaper,hellstripyoutothebones.Run,dearfriend,runasfastasyou,deathisgivingapartyinthefields,runayourboaytogether,theyretryingtoescape,theydontwanttostaywithus.Oh,ourpoorbones,ourpoorthroatandbelly,ourpoorlittlescrapsofbrainsunderourskulls!Itallwantstobeefree,itallwantstogotothedevil,thecrowsaresittingirees,thoseblack-frockedpriests."

  Hehadlongsiallsenseofdire;hedidntknowwherehewasrunning,whathewassaying,whetherhewaslyingorstandiumbledoverbushes,ranintotrees;falling,hegropedforsnowandthorns.Butthedrivewasstronginhim.Againandagainitpulledhimforward,spurredhisblindflight.Whenhecollapsedforthelasttime,itwasinthesamelittlevillageinwhichhehadmetthewayfaringcharlatanafewdaysearlier,wherehehadheldthetorchduringthenightforthewomanwhowasgivingbirth.Therehelayandpeoplecamerunningandstoodabouthimandtalked,yethedidhem.Thewomanwhoselovehehadenjoyedearlierreizedhim;shewasshockedbythewayhelooked,andtookpity.Letherhusbandscoldher;shedraggedthehalf-deadGoldmundintothestable.

  Itwasnotlongbeforehewasbahisfeet.Thewarmthofthestable,sleep,asmilkthewomaodrinkrevivedhimahimrecoverhisstrength;butallreteventshadbeenpushedbahismindasthoughmuchtimehadpassedsiheyhappened.HisjourhViktor,thecold,anguishedwinternightuhepihedreadfulstruggleonthebedofboughs,hispanionshorribledeath,thedaysandnightslostandcoldandhungry—ithadallbeethepast.Hehadalmostfottenit;althoughitwasnotwipedout,ithadbeehroughandwasnearlyover.Somethingremained,somethinginexpressiblyhorriblebutalsoprecious,somethingdrownedaunfettable,anexperieasteoongue,aringaroundtheheart.Ihantwoyearshehadlearnedallthejoysandsorrowsofhomelesslife:loneliness,freedom,thesoundsofforestsas,wandering,faithlessloving,bitterdeathlywant.Fordayshehadbeentheguestofthesummeryfields,oftheforest,ofthesnoentdaysinfearofdeath,closetodeath.Fightihhadbeeroemotionofall,thestra,knowinghowsmallandmiserableandthreatenedonewas,afeelingthisbeautiful,terrifyingforce,thistenacityoflifeinsideoneduridesperatestruggle.Itechoed,itremaichedinhisheart,asdidthegesturesandexpressioasythatsomuchresembledthegesturesandexpressionsivinganddying.Herememberedhowthewomanhadscreamedthatnightinchildbirth,distherface;howViktorhadcollapsed,howquietlyandquicklyhisbloodhadrunout!Oh,andhowhehimselfhadfeltdeathsnoopingaroundhimonhungrydays,andhowcoldhehadbeen,howcold!Andhowhehadfought,howhehadstruckdeathintheface,withwhatmortalfear,whatgrimecstasyhehaddefendedhimself!Therewasnothingmoretobelivedthrough,itseemedtohim.PerhapshecouldtalkaboutitwithNarcissus,butwithnooneelse.

  WhenGoldmundfirstcametohissensesonhisbedofstrawiable,hemissedthegoldpiehispocket.Hadhelostitdurierrible,half-unsciousstumblingmarchduringthosefinaldaysofhunger?Hethoughtaboutitforalongtime.Hehadbeenfondofthegoldpiece;hedidnotwanttothinkitlost.Molittletohim;hehardlyksvalue.Butthisgoldpiecehadbeportanttohimfortworeasons.ItwastheonlygiftfromLydiathatwaslefthim,sihewoolewaslyingintheforestwithViktor,soakedinViktorsblood.Andthen,keepingthegoldhadbeenthereasonfordefendinghimselfagainstViktor;hehadmurderedViktorbecauseofit.Ifthegoldpiecewaslost,thewholeexperiehatghastlynightwouldbeuseless,wouldhavenovalue.Aftermuchthinkingaboutit,hefidedinthepeasantwoman.

  "Christine,"hewhisperedtoher,"Ihadagoldpiemypocket,andnowitsnolohere."

  "Oh,soyounoticed?"sheaskedwithalovingsmilethatwasbothslyandclever.Itdelightedhimsomuchthatheputhisarmaroundherinspiteofhisweakness.

  "Whatastrangeboyyouare,"shesaidtenderly."Sointelligentandrefined,asostupid.Doesonerunaroundtheworldwithaloosegoldpieonesopenpocket?Oh,youchildishboy,yfool!IfoundyoldpieceassoonasIlaidyoudownoraw."

  "Youdid?Whereisit?"

  "Findit,"shelaug松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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