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  FortwoldmundworkedonthisgroupandfromthesedyearonhewasgivenErichasanapprehebalustradeforthestaircasehecreatedasmallparadise.Withecstasyhecarvedagracefulwildernessoftrees,brush,andherbs,withbirdsinthebranches,andtheheadsandbodiesofanimalsemergingeverywhere.Inthemidstofthispeacefullysproutingprimitivegarden,hedepictedseveralsesfromthelifeofthepatriarchs.Thisindustriouslifewasrarelyinterrupted.Therewasseldomadaynoossibleforhim,whelessnessorboredommadehimdisgustedwithhisart.Butwhenhedidfeelboredorrestlesshedgivehisapprenticeachoreandwalkorrideintothetrysidetobreatheinthememory-filledperfumeofthefreeandwanderinglifeoftheforest,orvisitapeasantsdaughter,orhunt,orlieforhoursinthegreenstaringintothevaultedhallsoftreetops,intothesproutingwildernessoffernsandjuniper.Hewouldalwaysreturnafteradayortwo.Theackhisworkwithrenewedpassion,greedilycarvetheluxuriantherbs,gently,tenderlycoaxhumanheadsfromthewood,forcefullycutamouth,aneye,apleatedbeard.BesideErilyNarcissuskhestatuesandhecameoftentotheworkshop,whichattimeswashisfavoriteplathecloister.Helookedonwithjoyandastonishment.Everythinghisfriendhadcarriedinhisrestless,stubborn,boyishheartwasingtoflower.Thereitgrewandblossomed,acreation,asmallsurgingworld:agameperhaps,butcertainlynolessworthyagamethanplayingwithlogic,grammar,andtheology.

  Pensivelyheoncesaid:"Imlearningagreatdealfromyou,Goldmund.Imbeginningtouandwhatartis.Formerlyitseemedtomethat,paredtothinkingandsce,itcouldakenaltogetherseriously.Ithoughtsomethinglikethis:sinisadubiousmixtureofmindandmatter,sihemindunlnitionoftheeternaltohim,whilematterpullshimdownandbindshimtothetransitory,heshouldstriveawayfromthesensesandtowardthemindifhewishestoelevatehislifeandgiveitmeaning.Ididpretend,outofhabit,toholdartinhighesteem,butactuallyIwasarrogantandlookeddownuponit.OnlynowdoIrealizehoathstherearetoknowledgeandthatthepathofthemindisnottheonlyoneandperhapshebestoismyway,ofcourse;andIllstayonit.ButIseethatyou,ontheoppositeroad,ontheroadofthesenses,haveseizedthesecretofbeingjustasdeeplyandexpressitinamuchmorelivelyfashionthanmostthinkersareabletodo."

  "Nowyouuand,"Goldmundsaid,"thatItceiveofthoughtswithoutimages?"

  "Ihavelongsinderstoodit.Ourthinkingisastantprocessofvertingthingstoabstras,alookingawayfromthesensory,aostructapurelyspiritualworld.Whereasyoutaketheleaststant,themostmortalthingstoyourheart,andintheirverymortalityshowthemeaningoftheworld.Youdontlookawayfromtheworld;yougiveyourselftoit,andbyyoursacrificetoitraiseittothehighest,aparableofeternity.WethirytoeclodbypullingthemaskoftheworldawayfromHisfaeclosertoHimbylovingHiscreationandre-creatingit.Botharehumanendeavors,andnecessarilyimperfect,butartismorei."

  "Idontknow,Narcissus.Butinoveringlife,iingdespair,youthinkersandtheologiaosucceedbetter.Ihavelongsioppedenvyingyouforyourlearning,dearfriend,butIdoenvyyourcalm,yourdetat,yourpeace."

  "Youshouldnotenvyme,Goldmund.Thereisnopeaceofthesortyouimagine.Oh,thereispeaceofcourse,butnotanythingthatliveswithinusstantlyandneverleavesus.Thereisonlythepeacethatmustbewonagainandagain,eaewdayofourlives.Youdontseemefight,youdontknowmystrugglesasAbbot,mystrugglesintheprayercell.Agoodthingthatyoudont.YouohatIamlesssubjeoodsthanyou,andyoutakethatforpeace.Butmylifeisstruggle;itisstruggleandsacrificelikeeverydetlife;likeyours,too."

  "Letsnotquarrelaboutit,Narcissus.Youdontseeallmystruggleseither.AndIdontknowwhetherornotyouareabletouandhowIfeelwhenIthinkthatthisworkwillsoonbefihatitwillbetakenawayainitsplace.ThenIwillhearafewpraisesaurntoabareworkroom,depressedaboutallthethingsthatIdidnotachieveinmywork,thingsyouotherstevensee,andinsideIllfeelasrobbedayastheworkshop."

  "Thatmaybeso,"saidNarcissus."herofuseveruaherpletelyinsuchthings.Butthereisonerealizationallmenofgoodwillshare:intheendourworksmakeusfeelashamed,wehavetostartoutagain,aimethesacrificehastobemadeanew."

  AfewweekslaterGoldmundsbigworkwasfinishedainitsplaoldexperieeditself:hisworkbecamethepossessionofothers,waslookedat,judged,praised;andhewaslauded,honored,buthisheartandhisworkshopstoodemptyandhenolongerknewwhethertheworkhadbeenworththesacrifithedayoftheunveilinghewasihefatherstableforafestivemealatwhichtheoldestwihehousewasserved.Goldmundeheexcellentfishandvenison,andevehanbytheoldarmedbytheiandjoyofNarcissus,whopraisedhimandhonoredhiswork.

  Anewwork,whichtheAbbothadaskedforandordered,wasalreadysketchedout,analtarfortheMarychapelinNeuzell,whichbelohecloisterandinwhichafatherfromMariabronnofficiatedaspriest.ForthisaltarGoldmundwaomakeastatueofthemadonna,aernalizeinheroheunfettablefiguresofhisyouth,beautifulfearfulLydia,theknightsdaughter.Otherwisethisissionwasoflittleimportaohim;itseemedsuitabletohimforErichsassistantsproject.IfErichdidwell,hedhaveagoodpermapartnerwhocouldreplacehim,freehimtodothoseworksthataloillclosetohisheart.WithErich,hechosethewoodforthealtarandhadhimprepareit.OftenGoldmuhimalone;hehadresumedhisroaming,hislongwalksinthewoods.Oncehewasabsentforseveraldays,andEriotifiedtheAbbot,whoalsofearedthatGoldmundmighthaveleftfood.Buthecameback,workedforaweekoueofLydia,theoroamagain.

  Hewastroubled.Sihepletionofhisbigworkhislifehadbeenindisorder.Hemissedearlymass;hewasdeeplyrestlessanddissatisfied.enthoughtofMasterNiklausandwonderedifhehimselfwouldnotbeesoonwhatNiklaushadbeen,ahard-waledmasterinhiscraft,butunfreeandunyoulyasmalladventurehadgivenhimfoodforthought:ononeofhiswanderingdayshehadfoundayoungpeasantgirlnamedFranziska,whomheliked.Hehadtriedtocharmher,hademployedalltheartsofseduhekhegirllistenedgladlytohischatting,laugheddelightedathisjokes,butsherefusedhisadvances,andforthefirsttimeherealizedthat,toayoungwoman,heseemedanoldman.Hehadnotgoneback,buthehadnotten.Franziskawasright.Hewasolder;hefeltithimself,anditwasnotbecauseofafewprematuregrayhairsandafewwrinklesaroundhiseyes,butrathersomethinginhisbeing,inhismind.Hefoundhimselfold,foundthathehadbeestrangelysimilartoMasterNiklaus.Withillhumorheobservedhimselfandshrugged.Hehadgrowncautiousandtame;hewasnolongeraneagleorahare;hehadbeeadomestiimal.Whenheroamedaboutnow,hewaslookingfortheperfumeofthepast,formemoriesofhisformeradveherthanfornewfreedom.Likeadog,helookedlonginglyanddistrustfullyforthelostst.Andafterhehadbeenawayforadayortwo,loafedabitandcaroused,somethingdrewhimirresistiblyback.Hehadabadsce.Hefeltthisworkshopwaitingforhim,feltresponsibleforthealtarhehadbegun,forthepreparedwood,forhisassistantErich.Hewasnolongerfree,nolongeryoung.Hemadeafirmresolution:aftertheLydia-Marywasfinished,hewaogoonatripandtrywanderingoncemore.Itwasnotgoodtoliveinacloisterforsolong,withmenonly.Itmightbegoodformonks,butnotforhim.Onecouldspeakintelligentlywithmen,andtheyuoodanartistswork,butalltherest—chatting,tenderness,games,love,pleasurewithoutthought—didnotflourishamongmen,forthatoneneededwomen,wandering,freedom,andevernewimpressions.Everythingaroundhimwasalittlegrayandserioushere,alittleheavyandmanly,andhehadbeeihadcreptintohisblood.Thethoughtofatripsoledhim.Hekepttohisworkceouslyiobefreesooner.AndasLydiasfiguregraduallycametowardhimoutofthewood,ashedrapedthestrictfoldsofherdressoverherknees,adeep,painfuljoyovertookhim,anostalgicfallingihtheimage,withthebeautifulshygirlfigure,withhismemoryofthattime,withhisfirstlove,hisfirsttravels,hisyouth.Reverentlyheworkedatthedelicateimage,feltitohthebestwithinhim,withhisyouth,withhismosttendermemories.Itwasajoytoformherinedneck,herfriendly-sadmouth,hereleganthands,thelongfihebeautifullyarchedcupsernails.Erich,too,wouldstareatthefigurewithadmirationandlovingrespectwheneverhehadafreemoment.

  Whenshewasalmostfinished,GoldmundshowedhertotheAbbot.Narcissussaid:"Thatisabeautifulwork,mydearfriend.Wehavenothinginthewholecloisterthatmeasuresuptoit.ImustfesstoyouthatIworriedaboutyouonseveraloccasionsdurimonths.Isawthatyouwererestlessanddisturbed,andwhenyoudisappearedandstayedawayformorethanaday,Isometimesthoughtwithsorrow:perhapshesneveringbadnowyouhavecarvedthiswonderfulstatue.Iamhappyforyouandproudofyou."

  "Yes,"Goldmundsaid,"thestatueturratherwell.Butnowlistentome,Narcissus.Iomakethisagoodstatue,Ineededmyeh,mywandering,myloveaffairs,mycourtshipofmanywomen.ThatisthesourceatwhichIhavedrunk.Soonthewellwillbeempty;Ifeeldryi.IllfinishthisMary,butthenIlltakeagoodlongvacation,Idontknowforhowlong.Illretracemyyouthandallthatwasoncesodeartome.youuandthat?Well,yes.YouknowIwasyuest,andIveakenanypaymentformyworkhere…"

  "Ioftenofferedittoyou,"interruptedNarcissus.

  "Yes,andnotit.Illhavenewclothesmade,aheyreready,IllaskyouforahorseandafewgoldpiedthenIllrideoutintotheworld.Saynothing,Narcissus,anddonotbesad.ItisnotthatIdontlikeithereanymore;Icoulderoffanywhereelse.Somethingelseisatstake.Willyoufulfillmywish?"

  Theyspokeaboutitnoldmundhadmadeforhimselfaplainridingoutfitandboots,andassummerdrewnear,hepletedtheMaryfigureasthoughitwerehislastwork.Withlovingcarehegavethehands,theface,thehairtheirfinishingtouch.Itmightalmosthaveseemedthatherolonginghiswork,thathewasquitehappytobeslightlydelayedagainandagainbythesefinaldelicatetouchestothefigure.Dayspassed,andalwaystherewassomethingnewforhimte.AlthoughNarcissusfeltdeeplysadabouttheapproagfarewell,hesometimessmiledalittleaboutGoldmundsbeinginlove,abouthisnotbeingabletotearhimselfawayfromtheMarystatue.

  ButonedayGoldmundsurprisedhim;suddenlyhecametotakehisleave.Hehadmadeuphismindduringthenight.Inhisnewclothes,withane,hecametoNarcissustosaygoodbye.Hehadalreadyfessedandunedsometimeago.Nowhecametobidfarewellandbegiventheblessingfortheroad.Theleavetakingcamehardtobothofthem,andGoldmundactedwithabrusquesnessandindifferencehedidnotfeelinhisheart.

  "WillIeverseeyouagain?"askedNarcissus.

  "Ohyes,ifyourprettynagdoesnotbreakmyneck,youwillcertainlyseemeagain.Besides,withoutme,therewouldntbeatocallyouNarcissusandcauseyoutoworry.Sodontfear.Yes,anddontfettokeepaneyeonEridletouchmystatue!Shemustremainstandinginmyroom,asIhavesaidbefore,andyouarenottoletthekeyoutofyourhand."

  "Areyoulookingforwardtothejourney?"

  Goldmundblinked.

  "Well,Iwaslookingforwardtoit;thatsquitetrue.ButnowthatImabouttorideoff,itfeelslessamusingthanonemightthink.Youlllaughatme,butIdontlikegoingaway;andthisdependencedoesnotpleaseme.Itislikeanillness;youhymendonthavethat.MasterNiklauswasthatway,too.Well,letsnotchataboutuselessstuff!Blessme,dearfriend;Iwanttoleave."

  Herodeoff.

  Inhisthoughts,Narcissuswasgreatlyedabouthisfriend.Heworriedabouthimandmissedhim.Wouldheeverebaowthisstrangeandlovablepersonwasagainfollowinghiscrooked,will-lesspath,roamingtheworldwithdesireandcuriosity,followinghisstrongdarkdrives,stormyandinsatiable,agrownchild.MightGodbewithhim;mightheebacksafeandsound.Againhewouldflyhitherandthither,thebutterfly,itnewsins,seduen,followhisinstincts,wouldperhapsagainbeinvolvedinmurder,danger,andimprisoandmightperishthatway.Howmuchworrythisblondboycausedone!Heplainedaboutgrowingold,allthewhilelookingoutofsuchboyisheyes!Howoofearforhim.A,deepdowninhisheart,NarcissusyaboutGoldmund.Itpleasedhimverymuchthatthisstubbornchildwassodifficulttotame,thathehadsuchcaprices,thathehadbrokenoutagaintoshakeoffhisantlers.

  EverydaytheAbbotsthoughtsreturoimeoraohisfriend,withloveandlonging,gratitudeandworry,occasionallyalsowithdoubtandself-reproach.Shouldhenotperhapshaveshownhisfriendmoreclearlyhowmuchhelovedhim,howlittlehewishedhimtobeotherthanhewas,howrichhehadbeethroughhisbeingandhisart?Hehadnotsaidmuchaboutit,perhapsnotenough—whocouldtellifhemightnothavebeeokeephim?

  ButhehadnotonlybeenenrichedbyGoldmund.Hehadalsogrownpoorerbecauseofhim,poorerandweaker,anditwascertainlygoodthathehadnotshownthattohisfriend.Theworldinwhichhelivedandmadehishome,hisworld,hiscloisterlife,hispriestlyoffice,hisscholarlybeing,hiswell-structedthoughtedifice—allthishadoftenbeenshakentoitsfoundationsbyhisfriendandwasnowfilledwithdoubt.Certainly,seenfromthepointofviewofthecloister,fromthepointofviewofreasonandmorality,hisownlifewasbetter,righter,steadier,moreorderly,moreexemplary.Itwasalifeoforderandstrictserviunendingsacrifice,astantlyrerivingforclarityandjustice.Itwasmuchpurer,muchbetterthanthelifeofanartist,vagrant,andseduen.Butseenfromabove,withGodseyes—wasthisexemplarylifeoforderanddiscipline,ofrenunciationoftheworldandofthejoysofthesenses,ofremotenessfromdirtandblood,ofwithdrawalintophilosophyaationaerthanGoldmundslife?Hadmanreallybeeedtolivearegulatedlife,withhoursanddutiesindicatedbyprayerbells?HadmanreallybeeedtostudyAristotleandSaintThomas,toknowGreek,toextinguishhisseofleetheworld?HadGodnotcreatedhimwithsensesandinstincts,withblood-coloreddarknesses,withthecapacityforsin,lust,anddespair?ThesewerethequestionsaroundwhichtheAbbotsthoughtscircledwhentheydweltonhisfriend.Yes,andwasitnotperhapsmorechildlikeandhumantoleadaGoldmund-life,moreceous,morenobleperhapsioabandonoothecruelstreamofreality,tochaos,toitsinsandaccepttheirbittersequeherthanlivealifewithwashedhandsoutsidetheworld;layingoutalonelyharmoniousthought-garden,strollingsinlesslyamongonesshelteredflowerbeds.Perhapsitwasharder,braverandowahroughforestsandalongthehighwayswithtorosuffersunandrain,hungeraoplaywiththejoysofthesensesandpayforthemwithsuffering.

  Atanyrate,Goldmundhadshownhimthatamainedfhthingsdipintothelowestdepthsofthebloody,drunkenchaosoflife,andsoilhimselfwithmuchdustandblood,withoutbeingsmallandon,withoutkillingthedivinesparkwithinhimself,thatheerrthroughthethickestdarknesswithoutextinguishingthedivinelightandthecreativeforsidetheshrineofhissoul.Narcissushadlookeddeeplyintohisfriendschaoticlife,aherhisloveforhimnorhisrespedwindled.Ohno,sincehehadseenthosemiraculousstill-lifeimages,radiantwithinnerharmony,eintobeingunderGoldmundsstainedhands,thoseifacesglowingwithspirit,thoseiplantsandflowers,thoseimplorblessedhands,allthoseaudacious,gentle,proud,orsacredgestures,sihenheknewverywellthatanabundanceoflightasofGoddweltinthefickleheartofthisartistandseducer.

  Ithadbeeneasyforhimtoseemsuperioldmundintheirversations,toopposehisdisciplineandintellectualordertohisfriendspassions.ButwasnoteverysmallgestureofoneofGoldmundsfigures,everyeye,everymouth,everybrandfoldofgownworthmore?Wasitnotmorereal,alive,andirreplaceablethahingathinkercouldachieve?Hadnotthisartist,whoseheartwassofullofflidmisery,fashionedsymbolsofneedandstrivingforinnumerablepeople,poraryandfuture,figurestowhichthereverendrespect,thedeepestanguishandlongingoftlesspeoplewouldturnforsolation,firmation,andstrength?

  Smilingandsad,Narcissusrememberedallthetimessiheirearlyyouthwhenhehadguidedandtaughthisfriend.Gratefullyhisfriendhadaccepted,alwaysadmittingNarcissusssuperiorityandguidandthen,quietly,hehadfashionedhisworks,bornofthetempestandsufferingofhisraggedlife:nowords,noinstrus,noexplanations,ns,butauthentic,heightenedlife.Howpoorhehimselfwasbyparison,withhisknowledge,hiscloisterdiscipline,hisdialectics!

  Thesewerethequestionsaroundwhichhisthoughtsturned.Justashehadonce,manyyearsago,intervenedroughly,almostbrutally,inGoldmundsyouthandplacedhislifeinanewsphere,sohisfriendhadpreoccupiedhimsincehisreturn,hadshakenhim,hadforcedhimtodoubtandself-examination.Hewashisequal;Narcissushadgivenhimnothingthathadnotbeengivenbaanytimesover.

  Thefriendwhohadriddenofflefthimmuchtimeforthought.Weekspassed.Thechestnuttreehadlongsiitsblossoms;themilkylightgreenbeechleaveshadlongsiurneddark,firm,andhard;thestorkslongsincehadhatchedtheiryoungoraowerandtaughtthemtofly.Theloldmundstayedaway,themoreNarcissusrealizedhowimportanthehadbeentohim.Hehadseverallearhersinthehouse,aonPlato,anexcellentgrammarian,awosubtletheologians.Andtherewereamongthemonksafewfaithful,serious,hosouls.Buthehadnoequal,hwhomhecouldseriouslymeasurehimself.ThisirreplaceablethingonlyGoldmundhadgivenhim.Itwashardtorenouagainnow.Hethoughtofhisabsentfriendwithlonging.

  Ofteotheworkshop,toencetheassistantErich,whotinuedwatthealtarandeagerlyawaitedhismastersreturn.SometimestheAbbotunlockedGoldmundsroom,wheretheMaryfigurestood,liftedtheclothfromthefigurecarefullyandstayedwithherawhile.Hekhingofthefiguresin;GoldmundhadoldhimLydiasstory.ButhefelteverythihatthegirlsformhadlonglivedinGoldmu.Perhapshehadseducedher,perhapsbetrayedaher.But,truerthafaithfulhusbaakenheralonginhissoul,preservingherimageuntilfinally,perhapsaftermanyyearsinwhichhehadneverseenheragain,hehadfashiohisbeautiful,tougstatueofagirlandcapturedinherface,herbearing,herhandsallthetenderness,admiration,andlongingoftheirlove.Hereadmuchofhisfriendshistory,too,inthefiguresofthelepulpitintherefectory.Itwasthestoryofawayfarer,ofaninstinctivebeing,ofahomeless,faithlessman,butwhathadremainedofitherewasallgoodandfaithful,filledwithlivinglove.Howmysteriousthislifewas,howdeepandmuddyitswatersrahowclearandemergedfromthem.

  Narcissusstruggled.Hemasteredhimself;hedidrayhiscalling.Hedeviatedinnowayfromhisstrictservice.Buthesufferedfromasenseoflossandfromthereitionofhowmuchhisheart,whichwastobelongonlytoGodandtohisoffice,wasattachedtohisfriend.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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