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  Thesummerpassed.Poppiesandflowers,cocklesandstarwortwiltedandvahefrogsgrewsilentinthepondaorksflewhighandpreparedfordeparture.ThatswhenGoldmuurned.

  Hearrivedoernoon,duringalightrain,anddidnotgointothecloister;fromtheportalhewentimmediatelytohisworkshop.Hehadeonfoot,withoutthehorse.

  Erichfeltashockwhenhesawhimein.Althoughhereizedhimatfirstglandhisheartwentouttogreethim,themanwhohadebackseemedpletelydifferent:afalseGoldmund,manyyearsolder,withahalf-spent,dusty,grayface,sunkencheeks,andsick,sufferingeyes,althoughthereaininthem,butasmilerather,akied,old,patientsmile.Hewalkedpainfully;hedraggedhimself,andheseemedtobeillaired.

  Thisged,hardlyreizableGoldmundpeeredstrahisassistant.Hemadenofussabouthisreturedasthoughhehadmerelyeinfromanotherroom,asthoughhehadneverleftevenforaminute.Heshookhandsandsaidnothing,ing,ion,nostory.Hemerelysaid:"Imustsleep,"heseemedtobeterriblytired.HesentErichawayaintohisroomotheworkshop.Therehepulledoffhisdletitdrop,tookoffhisshoesandwalkedovertothebed.Fartherbatheroomhesawhismadonnastandingunderacloth;hedidnotgouptohertotakeofftheclothaher.Insteadhecrepttothelittlewindow,sawErichwaitinguneasilyoutside,andcalleddowntohim:"Erich,youellanybodythatImback.Imverytired.Itwaituntiltomorrow."

  Thenhelaydownonthebedinhisclothes.Afterawhile,sincehecouldnotfallasleep,hegotupandwalkedheavilytothewalltolookintoasmallmirrorthathungthere.AttentivelyhelookedattheGoldmundwhostaredbackathimoutofthemirror,awearyGoldmund,amanwhohadgrowntiredandoldandwilted,withmuchgrayinhisbeard.Itwasanold,somewhatumanwholookedbackathimfromthelittlemirrorsdullsurface—butstrangelyunfamiliar.Itdidobeproperlypresent;itdidobeofmutohim.Itremindedhimofotherfaceshehadknown,alittleofMasterNiklaus,alittleoftheoldknightwhohadoncehadapagesoutfitmadeforhim,andalsoalittleofSt.Jathechurch,ofoldbeardedSt.Jacobwholookedsoaandgrayunderhispilgrimshat,ailljoyousandgood.

  Carefullyhereadthemirrorface,asthoughhewereiedinfindingoutaboutthisstranger.Heohimandknewhimagaiwashe;itcorrespohefeelinghehadabouthimself.Aremelytiredoldman,whohadgrownslightlynumb,whohadreturnedfromajourney,anordinarymaninwhomonecouldnottakemuchpride.Ahehadnothingagainsthim.Hestilllikedhim;therewassomethinginhisfacethattheearlier,prettyGoldmundhadnothad.Inallthefatigueanddisiiontherewasatraceofte,oratleastofdetat.Helaughedsoftlytohimselfandsawthemirrejoinhim:afinefellowhehadbroughthomefromhistrip!Prettymuchtornandbur,hewasreturningfromhislittleexcursion.Hehadnotonlysacrificedhishorse,hissatchel,andhisgoldpieces;otherthings,too,hadgottenlostordesertedhim:youth,health,self-fidehecolorinhischeeksandtheforhiseyes.Yethelikedtheimage:thisweakoldfellowinthemirrorwasdearertohimthantheGoldmundhehadbeenforsolong.Hewasolder,weaker,morepitiable,buthewasmoreharmless,hewasmoretent,itwaseasiertogetalongwithhim.Helaughedandpulleddowheeyelidsthathadbeewrihebacktobedandthistimefellasleep.

  Thedayhesathunchedoverthetableinhisroomandtriedtodrawalittle.Narcissuscametovisithim.Hestoodinthedoorwayandsaid:"Ivebeentoldthatyouwereback.ThankGod,Imveryglad.Sinceyoudidnotetoseeme,Iveetoyou.AmIdisturbingyouinyourwork?"

  Hecamecloldmundlookedupfromhispaperandheldouthishand.AlthoughErichhadpreparedhim,thesightofhisfriendshoarcissustotheheart.Goldmundgavehimafriendlysmile.

  "Yes,Imback.Wele,Narcissus,wehaventseeneachotherforawhile.Fivemefornotingtoyou."

  Narcissuslookedintohiseyes.Hetoosawnotonlytheexhaustioifulwiltingofthisface;hesawotherthingsbesides,strangelypleasingsignsofacceptance,ofdetateven,ofsurrenderandoldmansgoodhumor.Experienreadinghumanfaarcissusalsosawthatthisged,differentGoldmundwasnotaltogetherthereanymore,thateitherhissoulwasfarwithdrawnfromrealityandwanderingdreamroadsoralreadystandingatthegatesthatleadtothebeyond.

  "Areyouill?"heaskedcautiously.

  "Yes.Iamalsoill.Ifellillattheverystartofmyjourney,duringtheveryfirstdays.ButyoulluandthatIdidntwanttoehomeagainrightaway.YoudallhavehadagoodlaughifIhadebacksoquicklyandtakenoffmytravelingboots.No,Ididntfeellikeit.Iwentontoroamaboutabit;Ifeltashamedbecausemyjourneywasnout.Ihadpromisedmyselftoomuch.Yes,Ifeltashamed.Surelyyouuandthat,youreanintelligentman.Fiveme,wasthatwhatyouasked?Itslikeacurse;Ikeepfettingwhatweretalkingabout.Butthatthingwithmymother,youdidthatwell.Ithurtalot,but…"

  Hismurmuringendedinasmile.

  "Wellmakeyouwellagain,Goldmuakecareofyou.Ifonlyyouhadturnedrightaroundwhenyoubeganfeelingsick!Youreallydonthavetofeelashamedinfrontofus.Youshouldhaveerightback."

  Goldmundlaughed.

  "Yes,nowIremember.Ididntdareeback.Itwouldhavebeenshameful.ButnowIhavee.NowIfeelwellagain."

  "Haveyouhadgreatpain?"

  "Pain?Yes,Ihavehadpainsenough.Butyousee,paisobad;theyvebroughtmetoreason.NowInolongerfeelashamed,noteveninfrontofyou.Thedayyoucametoseemeinprison,tosavemylife,Ihadtochmyteethveryhard,becauseIfeltashamedinfrontofyou.Butthatispletelyovernow."

  NarcissusputhishandonGoldmundsarmandimmediatelyGoldmundstoppedspeakingandclosedhiseyeswithasmile.Hefellpeacefullyasleep.Disturbed,theAbbotrahehousephysi,FatherAnton,tolookafterthesi.Whentheycamebaundwasstillsittingfastasleepathisdrawingtable.Theyputhimtobedandthephysistayedtoexaminehim.

  Hefoundhimhopelesslyill.Hewascarriedintoohesis,whereErichkeptastantwatch.

  Thewholestoryofhislastjourneywasneverknowoldafewdetails;otherscouldbeguessed.Oftenhelaylistlessly.Sometimeshehadafeverandwasdelirious;sometimeshewaslucid,andthenNarcissuswassentforeachtime.TheselastversationswithGoldmundbecameextremelyimportanttohim.

  NarcissussetdownafewfragmentsofGoldmusandfessions.OthersweretoldbyErich.

  "Whendidthepainstart?Attheverybeginningofmyjourney.Iwasridingintheforestandfellwithmyhorseintoabrook,whereIlaythewholenightincoldwater.Imusthavebrokenseveralribs;eversince,Ivehadpainsinmychest.AtthattimeIwasnotveryfarfromhere,butIdidntwanttoturnback.Thatwaschildish,Iknow,butIthoughtitwouldlookfoolish.SoIrodeon,andwhenIcouldridenolonger,becauseithurttoomuch,Isoldthehorse,andthenIwasinahospitalforalongtime.

  "Illstayherenow,Narcissus.Illneverrideoffagain.Nomorewandering.Nomoredang,nomorewomen.Oh,otherwiseIdhavestayedawaymuger,yearslonger.ButwhenIsawthattherewasnojoyoutthereformeanymore,Ithought:befounder,Iwanttodrawabitmore,andmakeafewmures.Onedoeswanttohavesomepleasureafterall."

  Narcissussaidtohim:"Imverygladyouveeback.Imissedyouverymuch.Ithoughtofyoueveryday,andIwasoftenafraidthatyouwouldneverwanttoeback."

  Goldmundshookhishead:"Well,thelosswouldnothavebee."

  Narcissus,hisheartburningwithgriefandlove,slowlybentdowntohim,andnowhedidwhathehadneverdohemanyyearsoftheirfriendship.HetouchedGoldmundshairandforeheadwithhislips.Astofirst,andthenmoved,Goldmundknewwhathadhappened.

  "Goldmund,"theAbbotwhisperedintohisear,"fivemefornotbeingabletotellyouearlier.IshouldhavesaidittoyouthedayIcametoseeyouinyourprisoninthebishopsresidence,orwhenIwasshownyourfirststatues,oratsomanyothertimes.LetmetellyoutodayhowmuchIloveyou,howmuchyouhavealwaysmeanttome,howrichyouhavemademylife.Itwillnotmeanverymuchtoyou.Youareusedtolove;itisnotrareforyou;somanywomenhavelovedandspoiledyou.Formeitisdifferent.Mylifehasbeenpoorinlove;Ihavelackedthebestoflife.OurAbbotDanielooldmethathethoughtIwasarrogant;herobablyright.Iamnotunjusttoeople.Imakeeffortstobejustandpatientwiththem,butIhaveneverlovedthem.Oftwoscholarsinthecloister,Iprefertheonewhoismorelearned;Iveneverlovedaweakscholarinspiteofhisweakness.IfIkhelesswhatloveis,itisbecauseofyou.Ihavebeeoloveyou,youaloneamongallmen.Youagithatmeans.Itmeansawelli,ablossomihewilderness.Itisthankstoyoualomyhearthasnotdriedup,thataplacewithinmehasremainedopentograce."

  Goldmundsmiledhappily;hewasslightlyembarrassed.Withthesoft,calmvoicehehadduringhislucidhours,hesaid:"Whenyousavedmefromthegallowsthatdayandwewereridinghome,IaskedyouaboutmyhorseBlessandyouknewwhathadhappeohim.ThatdayIsawthatyou,whohadneverknownonehorsefromanother,hadtakenylittleBless.Iuoodthatyouhaddobecauseofme,andIwasveryhappyaboutit.NowIseethatitwasreallyso,thatyoureallydoloveme.ButIhavealwayslovedyou,Narcissus.Halfofmylifeentcyou.Ikhatyou,too,werefondofme,butIneverdaredhopethatyouwouldtellmesomeday,youresuchaproudman.YougivemeyourloveinthismomentwhenIhavenothi,whenwanderingandfreedom,worldandwomenhaveabandonedme.IacceptitandIthankyouforit."

  TheLydia-madonnastoodintheroom,watg.

  "Doyouthinkstantlyofdeath?"askedNarcissus.

  "Yes,Ithinkofitandofwhathasbeylife.Asayoungman,whenIwasstillyourpupil,Iwishedtobeeasspiritualasyouwere.YoushowedmethatIhadnocallingforit.ThenIthrewmyselfintotheothersideoflife,intotheworldofthesenses,andwomeeasyformetofindmyjoysthere,theyaresogreedyandwilling.ButIdontwishtospeakdisdainfullyofthem,orofthejoysofthesenses;Ihaveofteremelyhappy.AndIwasalsofortunateenoughinmyexperieolearnthatsensualitybegivenasoul.Ofitartisborn.Butnowbothflameshavediedoutinme.Inolongerhavetheanimalhappinessofecstasy,andIwouldntwantitnowevenifwomeillrunningafterme.Andtocreateworksofartisnolongermywisheither.Ivemadeenoughstatues;thenumberdoesnotmatter.Thereforeitistimeformetodie.Iamready,andImcuriousaboutit."

  "Whycurious?"askedNarcissus.

  "Well,itmaybeabitstupidofme.ButImreallycuriousaboutit.Notofthebeyond,Narcissus.Ithinkaboutthatverylittle,andifImaysaysoopenly,Inolongerbelieveinit.Thereisnobeyond.Thedried-uptreeisdeadforever;thefrozenbirddoesnotebacktolife,nordoesamanafterhehasdied.Onemaytihinkofhimforawhileafterhesgothatdoesntlastloher.No,ImcuriousaboutdyingonlybecauseitisstillmybelieformydreamthatIamontheroadtowardmymother.Ihopedeathwillbeagreathappiness,ahappinessasgreatasthatoflove,fulfilledlove.Iotgiveupthethoughtthat,insteadofdeathwithhisscythe,itwillbemymotherwhowilletotakemebacktoher,whowillleadmebaonbeingandinnoce."

  Duringoneofhislastvisits,afterGoldmundhadnotsaidanythingforseveraldays,Narcissusagainfoundhimawakeandtalkative.

  "FatherAntonthinksyoumustoftenbeipain.Howdoyoubearitsocalmly,Goldmund?Itseemstomeyouhavefoundpeaow."

  "DoyoumeanpeacewithGod?No,thatpeaceIhavenotfound.IdonteacewithHim.Hehasmadetheworldbadly;wedoopraiseit,andHellcarelittlewhetherIpraiseHimornot.Hehasmadetheworldbadly.ButIhavemadepeacewiththepaininmychest,yes.InformerdaysIwasnotgoodatbearingpain,andalthoughIsometimesthoughtdyingwouldeeasilytome,Iwaswrong.WhehwassonearmethatnightintHeinrichsprison,IsawthatIsimplycouldnotfaceit.Iwasstillmuchtandtoowildtodie;theywouldhavehadtobreakeaeofmybowice.Butnowitisdifferent."

  Speakingtiredhim.Hisvoicegrewweaker.Narcissusaskedhimtosparehimself.

  "No,"hesaid,"Iwanttotellyou.BeforethisIwouldhavebeenashamedtotellyou.Itllmakeyoulaugh.WhenImountedmyhorsethatdayandrodeaway,Iwasnotjustridingoffintotheblue.IhadheardarumorthattHeinrichhadreturhisregionandthathismistressAgneswaswithhim.Well,allright,thatdoesnotseemimportanttoyou,andtodayitdoesnotseemimportanttomeeither.Butatthattimethenewsburselfintome,andIthoughtofnothingbutAgnes.ShewasthemostbeautifulwomanIhadeverknownandloved:Iwaoseeheragain,Iwaobehappywithheragain.Irodeoff,andafteraweekIfoundher.Andthere,duringthathour,thegeiookplace.AsIsaid,Ifoundher.Shehadnotgrownlessbeautiful.Ifoundherandfoundaswelltheopportunitytoshowmyselftoherandtospeaktoher.Andjustthink,Narcissus:shenolongerwaohaveanythingtodowithme.Iwastoooldforher;Iwasnolongerprettyenough,amusingenough;shenolongerwantedanythingfromme.That,actually,wastheendofmyjourney.ButIrodeon.Ididntwanttoebacktoyousodisappointedandridiculous,andasIrodealong,fordyouthandintelligencehadalreadypletelyabandonedme,becauseIstumbledintoagullywithmyhorseandfellintoastreamandbrokeseveralribsandlaytherehelplessier.ThatswhenIfirstlearnedaboutrealpain.AsIfellIfeltsomethingbreakinsidemychest,andthebreakingpleasedme,Iwasgladtohearit,Iwastentwithit.IlaythereierahatIwasabouttodie,buteverythingwaspletelydifferentfromthatnightinthetsprison.Ihadnothingagainstit;dyingnolongerseemedterribletome.IfeltthoseviolentpainswhichIveoftenhadsihen,andwiththemIhadadream,oravision,whateveryouwanttocallit.IlaythereandhadburningpainsinmychestandIwasdefendingmyselfagainstthemandscreamingwhenIheardalaughingvoice,avoiceIhadnotheardsincechildhood.Itwasmymothersvoice,adeepwomanlyvoice,fullofecstasyandlove.AndthenIsawthatitwasshe,thatshewaswithme,holdingmeinherlap,andthatshehadopenedmybreastandputherfingersbetweenmyribstopluyheart.WhenIsawanduoodthat,itnolongerhurt.Andnow,whenthepainseback,theyarenotpains,theyarenoteheyaremymothersfiakingmyheartout.Sheworkshardatit.Sometimesshepressesdownandmoansasthoughiasy.Sometimesshelaughsandhumstendersounds.Sometimessheisnotwithme,buthighaboveinheaven,andIseeherfaceamongtheclouds,aslargeasacloud.Shefloatsthere,smilingsadly,andhersadsmilepullsatmeanddrawsmyheartoutofmychest."

  Againandagainhespokeofher,ofhismother."Doyouremember?"hemurmuredohelastdays."Ihadpletelyfottenmymotheruntilyoujuredherupagain.Thatday,too,ithurtverymuch,asthoughanimaljawsweretearingatmyiines.Wewerestillyoungtheyyoungboys.ButeventhenmymothercalledmeandIhadtofollow.Sheiseverywhere.ShewasLise,thegypsy;shewasMasterNiklaussbeautifulmadonna;shewaslife,love,ecstasy.Shealsowasfear,hunger,instinowsheisdeath;shehasherfingersinmychest."

  "Dontspeaksomuch,mydearfriend,"saidNarcissus."Waituntiltomorrow."

  WithhisnewsmileGoldmundlookedintoNarcissusseyes,withthesmilethathehadbroughtbahisjourhesmilethatlookedattimessooldandfragile,alittlesenileperhaps,andthenagainlikepurekindnessandwisdom.

  "Mydearfriend,"hewhispered,"Iotwaituntiltomorrow.Imustsayfarewelltoyounow,andaswepartImusttellyoueverything.Listehermoment.Iwaellyouaboutmymother,andhowshekeepsherfingersclaspedaroundmyheart.Formanyyearsithasbeenmymostcherished,mysecretdreamtomakeastatueofthemother.Shewastomethemostsacredofallmyimages;Ihavecarriedheralwaysinsideme,afigureofloveandmystery.OnlyashortwhileagoitwouldhavebeenunbearabletometothinkthatImightdiewithouthavingcarvedherstatue;mylifewouldhaveseemeduselesstome.Andnowseehelythingshavetur:itisnotmyhandsthatshapeandformher;itisherhandsthatshapeandformme.Sheisclosingherfingersaroundmyheart,sheislooseningit,sheisemptyingme;sheissedugmeintodyingandwithmediesmydream,thebeautifulstatue,theimageofthegreatmother-Eve.Istillseeit,andifIhadformyhands,Icouldcarveit.Butshedoesntwantthat;shedoesntwaomakehersecretvisible.Sheratherwaodie.Imgladtodie;sheismakingiteasyforme."

  Deeplyshaken,Narcissuslisteohiswords.Hehadtobendclosetohisfriendslipstobeabletouandwhattheyweresaying.Somewordsheheardonlyindistinctly;othersheheardclearly,buttheirmeaningescapedhim.

  Andnowthesiopenedhiseyesagainandlookedforalongwhileintohisfriendsface.Hesaidfarewellwithhiseyes.Andwithasudde,asthoughheweretryingtoshakehishead,hewhispered:"Buthowwillyoudiewhenyourtimees,Narcissus,sinceyouhavenomother?Withoutamother,oneotlove.Withoutamother,oneotdie."

  Whathemurmuredafterthatcouldnotbeuood.ThoselasttwodaysNarcissussatbyhisbeddayandnight,watghislifeebbaway.Goldmundslastwordsburnedlikefireinhisheart.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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