THE STARE
TheNewYorkerFibyDorisLessingJuly7,1997
“Lookathim,”saysHelen.“Idon’tsayanything,andIgoonlooking.”
“Whatdoeshedothen?”asksMary,gazingatHelenasshesooftendoes,asifHelenhadtheseethingorother.
“Thenhegivesin,”saysHelen,andlaughs.Thelaugh,asalways,takesMarycaptive,andthistimeitseemstoreverberaterightthroughher,andHeleoberememberingsomethingdelicious,forshesitssmiling.
HelenistheGreekwifeofTom,whoisEnglish.HesawherinatavernainNaxos,whereshewaswaitingonhimandoherfntouristsasifsheweredoingthemafavor,andhefellinloveandpersuadedhertoreturntoEnglandwithhim.irelyfngroundtoher,becauseshehasrelativesinthelargeGreekandCypriotunityinCamdenTown,andshevisitedthemonesummer.MaryistheEnglishwifeofDemetrios,andshewaswithagirlfriendonholidayinándroswhenthehandsomewaiterinthecaféoverlookingtheseafellihher.He,too,hasrelativesinLondon.NowheisawaiterinaGreekrestaurantcalledtheArgonauts;aendstohavehisowaurantsoon.HewillcallitDmitri’s,becauseDmitriiswhatMarycallshim.MeanwhiletheyliveintworoomsroceryownedbyHelen’sTom.
Thetwowomenspendmstogether,gossipingorshopping,butnowHelenhasababyaengotoPrimroseHillandsitonabenchwiththeprampushedintosomeshade.Thereareotherwives,GreekandCypriot,andsomemsitisquitealittlefemaleunity,butHelenandMaryarereizedasspecialfriends.Someeveningsthetwocouplesmakeafoursomeihepubs,cafés,orrestaurants,andontheseeveningsMaryoftengratulatesherselfthatshemadealltherightchoicesthatbroughtherawayfrCroydon,tobehereamongpeoplewholaugheasily,orstartsinging,andwhomightendaneveningwithimpromptudang,evenoables.ShemightnothavegooGreecethatsummer,mighthavesaidnotoDemetrioswhenherparentsputpressureon.
OnthisdayMarygoeshomeexcitedalessandsitsinfrontofherlookingglassandexaminesherself.Sheoftehis.Sheisplump,pretty,withruddycheeks,blackcurls,andalotofwell-placeddimples,andDmitricallsherhislittleblackberry.Butshehasgrayeyes,andhesaysthatifitweren’tforthosecoolEnglisheyeshecouldbelieveshehasGreekblood.Hisblackeyeseasilysmolder,orburn,orreproach.Maryleansherforearmsamolebottlesofst,thelipsticks,theeyepaint,andtriesoutexpressions.Sheputsalongunsmilingunblinkingstareonherfadfrightensherselfwithit.Sheshutshereyes,soastoseethatstareonHelen’sface,butfails,becauseHelenonlysmiles.MaryadmiresHelen.Thatisputtingitmildly.BecauseofsomethingDmitrisaid,Maryactuallywenttothelibraryandfoundabookcalled“GreekMythsforChildren,”andthereshereadthataHelehousandsofyearsago,wasabeauty,aartedawarbecausereeceparentscalledtheirlittlegirlsHelen,asifthenamewerejustBettyorJoaoldMarythatMarywastheMod,butMarysaidshewasn’treallyintion.
AndwhyshouldMarywanttotryoutHelen’ssilentstaringorios?Thatisthetrouble.Maryisfullofanunfortabledissatisfawithlifeandwithherselfandthisislikeanaccusationagainstherhusband.Shedoeswonderwhyshefeelslikethisbuthasdecidedthatsheisdefendingherself.Heisdistentedbecausehewantstostartafamily,particularlynowthatheisseeinghisfriendsTomandHelenwiththeirbaby,butMarysays,“No,Dmitri,let’swaitabit,what’sthehurry?”Shereallydoesmeantohaveababy,andevensoon,butsheisafraidofbeingtakehat’spens,shethinks,watgthewomensheseeseveryday.Theyhaveababyand...well,Iwon’tbelikethat.AndHelenisn’t,isshe?Sheisexactlythesame,asifthatbabyhadarrivedfromsomewhereoutoftheair,andshehadcaughtitlikeapresentsomeohrowntoher.MaryisonthePillandneverfetstotakeit.Dmitrisaysthingslike“OhesedaysI’llthrowallthatjunkintotherubbish.”HisroughvoidhoteyesatsuentsthrillMaryandremindherofearlierdays.
ShesaidtoHelen,“IsTomthesametoyounow?”Heleninstantlyuoodandsaid,withthelaughthatwaslikeanadmissionthatshehadsomesecretfasatinglifeMarywastoomuchofaclodtouand,“Ofcourse,he’sEnglish,isn’the?He’sjustthesameaswheartedtogether.”AndsheexaminedMaryinherfrankwaythatMaryatfirstthoughtwas“tactless,”andsaid,“Youdon’tuandsomething.Greekmenareromantitheyarec.Theykissyoualotandtheymakepliments.Butwhenyouaremarriedyouarejusthiswife.”
ThesummerMarywenttoándros,Demetrioscourtedherwithflowersaedsoapsandchocolates,andhesaidshewasbeautifulandhehadneverknownanythinglikeher.Hekissedherinthemoonlight,andonenightheevencoveredherhandswithkissesandhottears,too.Marykhiswasthemostwonderfulthingthathadeverhappeoherorprobablywouldhappen.Itmadeheruhatthiswasso.WhatwasDemetrios,then?Whodidhethinkhewas—washersecretfeeling.Achedhimwhilehewasasleep,thinking,Butwhy?Butsheoftenremembered,too,howhehadbeehatsummer,threeyearsago.NowhewasassensibleasanyEnglishman.LikeTom,aboutwhomHelensighed,thoughsmiling,sayingitwaslulikedhisfuninbed,becauseotherwiseshe’dthinkhedidn’tloveher.
Alikelystory,thinksMary,whowonderswhyHelensaidyestoTom.Hewasallright,notbad-looking.“Hemakesmelaugh,”saysHelen.Butsurelyshemustsometimesfindhimb?
ButdidDmitristillloveMary?
Thatnight,whenherolledtowardherinbed,shesaid,“No,Idon’tfeellikeit,”tryingtomakeherselfsoundlikeHelenwheeasingandtaunting,butsheknewshehadnotsucceeded.Shehadneversaidnobefore:shelikedherfuoo.Hewasassurprisedasifshehadsaidshewantedadivorce.“What’swrongwithyou?”hedemanded.Whatheshouldhaveaskedwas“ButwhathaveIdohoughshewouldnothaveknownwhattoreplyifhehad.Sheturnedherba,knowingthishurtherasmuchasitdidhim:shecouldfeelhisbaffled,hurtglareonhershoulders.Hemutteredsomethingshewasgladshehadnotheard.Helayawakeandshedid,too,butpreteobeasleep.
mhekeptsighingandgivingherhardacglooks.IthappehatitwasSaturday,andthatnightthetwocoupleswenttodrinkinthegardenofapub,andthenhaddiherestaurantwhereDmitriwasawaiter,butitwashisnightoff.Thewomeimesworkedthereaswaitresseswhentheyneededabitextraforthehousekeeping.Everyohem,peoplewavedorcalledgreetingsorcametoadmirethebabyasleepinthepram.MarysawhowHelenhungonTom’sarmaheyweregoingtomakelovethemiheygothome.WheriosandMarygothomehesaidtoher,“Ihopeyouaren’tgoingtonotfeellikeittonight.”Hewasclumsyinhissarcasm,andthatmadeiteasyforhertosay,“Imighthtnot,”butinbedheatoackedher,asshetriedtoplaintoherself,butitwasnogoodsayingshedidn’tfeellikeitwhenitwasevidenttobothofthemthatshedid.“Whenareyougoingtogivemeakid?”hesaidafterward,andhewasdoingsomethingshealwaysfoundfrighteningaing:hewasslidingherweddingringaroundandaroundherfinger,asifhewerethinkingofthrowingitaway.“I’llsee,”shesaid,knowingshehadneverprovokedhimlikethisbefore.Thenshefoundherselfbeingraped.Therewasnootherwordforit.Shewasallslipperyfromtheretsex,sohecouldnotknowshewasthrilledandquitedissolvedandcouldeasilyhavesaidthenandthere,“Yes,allrightaboutthebaby,”ifhehadnotbeengroaningintoherear,“Youbitch,Iwantababy.Now,notintenyears.”
mshedidnotsayonewordatbreakfast.Hedidn’tnotice.Hewastakinghistimewiththetoastandthejamandthecoffee:hedidn’thavetobeattherestaurantuntileleven.Thiswasthebestpartoftheirday,thehoursbeforehewenttowork.Theytalkedordidn’ttalk,ahepaper,andsometimeswentbacktobed.Shekhatwhenthebabycametheirmswouldneverbelikethisagaioldhimso,andhehadsaid,“Andsowhat.”Thismadeherfeelhedidn’tloveher.Itwasnotuntiltheendofthisbreakfastthatherealizedhersilencewasmeant,aedhisheadandlookedather,longandhard,andshelookedcoldlybadtheonwithit,usingtheunblinkingstareshehadpracticedbeforethemirror.“Whatthehell?”hesaid.“What...?”Shesaidnothingbutsatinfrontofhimandstared.Itwasdrivinghimwild,shecouldsee,alyshewasexcited,shewasthrilled,andsheanswerednotonewordwhilehewentonexclaimingandacgandaskingwhatthehellshethoughtshewasdoing,andthenheshouted“Bitch!”atheraofftowork.
MarysatwithHelenoutsideapub,inthesun,withthebabyintheprambetweenthem,andMarythought,Idon’treallymindababy,Isuppose.I’llleaveoffthePillahappens.ButI’mnotgoingtotellDmitri,.AndI’mnotgoingtogiveintothebaby.
“Howlongdoyoukeepitup?”sheasked,tryingtosoundcasual,butHelenatonderstoodandsaid,“Oh,it’snotmuch—IjustliketoseehowlongIkeepitup.BecauseIwanttogiveinandIdon’t.”
WhydidHelenfihingsoeasy?Shewastalkingasifitallwerenothing,justajoke.Whydon’tIfindthingseasy?Marywasthinkingasshesatsilentanddismal,lookingatHelen’slongthinbrownlegsandherbrownthinarms,aheblackdresswasonher,andherblackshininghairlooseonhershoulders.Thatdresswouldlooklikeabune....Thebabybegangrizzling,andHelenpickeditup,notroubleatall,hardlylooking,andshesangsomeGreeknurserysonginherdeepsexyvoice.Thebabystoppedg.ThesoftlittleheadwasinchesawayfromMary,andthesweetintimatebabysmellmadeherwanttocry.Oh,no,shethought,oh,no—butHelencasuallyhandedherthecuddlesomebundleandsaid,“I’mgoingtothetoilet,”andoffshestrode,withtheblaenswingingaroundher.
Marythought,IsupposeDmitriwillsingourbabyGreeksongs.WheriosandHelenspoketogetherinGreekMarylistenedandshewasn’tthinkingofthekebabsandtaramasalataasinaandallthatstufftheyhadrighthereinLondonbutofthesunonthedark-blueseaarodtheolivetreesandthesinging.OftehetwoGreekstalkedtogetherTomandMary—herknewmorethanafewwordsofGreek—exgedsmilesaowledgingthatthesepeopletheyhadmarriedweresometimesstraothem.
MarydidnotspeaktoDemetriosthatnightwhenhecamein,asusual,late,wellaftermidnight,butshesatupinbedandstaredathimwhilehestumbledaroundtheroomandsworeanddiscardedhisclothesanyhowandthenflunghimselfonthebedwithhisbacktoher.Shelooputherarmsaroundhimfrombehindanddowhathelovedherto,whichwasnibblehisearandthenkissandbitehishefirsttimeshedidthisithadbeenlikejumpingoverafeothedarkbecauseshewastakiiative,whichshehadnotdone—shelikedbeingtheonewhosaidyes—andtherewasatoormofsex.Buttherewasn’talways:I’mnotgoingtoletyoutakemefranted,saidDmitri,teasingher—shethought,butthensawthiswashisdelicacyagain,forhewassensitive,surprisingher,whenyou’dthinkhewasjustabigroughnoisyman.Heknewshewouldbeshy,afraidhewouldthinkshewasaskingforsexinsteadofsometimesjustacuddle,andthatwaswhyhekeptherguessing.ShehadseenHelengivingTomlittletouchesandstrokesthatputalookofwonderandastonishmentonhisfadshehadtriedthemoutonDmitri—withoutHelenshewouldneverhavethoughtofdoinganythinglikethat.NowshelaybesideDmitri,rigid,ahinkingthatonenightitwaseasytoputone’sarmsaroundone’shusbandandthenbehappytillm,anightitossibletoputahandtotouchhim,letalonekissesandnibbles.
Shekeptthesilencegoingallnight,forshedidnotsleep,amthroughbreakfast.Andnowshewasfrightened.Shesatstaringathimwhileheavertedhiseyesbutsometimesglaherinwonderment,inanger,andinfear.Butaswellasbeingscaredshewasdissatisfied,andherdissatisfawitheverythingandwithhim,likeanaccusationofhim,wasstrongereveryminute,becausewhatshewasdoingwasfeedingit.Heshouldbewell,heshouldbekissingherhandsandcthemwithtearsandsayinghewassorry.
Thatnightshewascarefultoseemasleepwhenhecameinfromtherestaurant.Perhapshewillkissme,shethought:heoftendid,whenshewasasleep.Shewouldputupherarmsandpullhimdownintoher.Buthedidn’tkissher.
matbreakfastshecouldseeherselfsittingthere,withherstaringfacelikearadardishfollowinghimaroundtheroom.Hewasnotlookingather,though.Shethought,He’sstupid.JustbecauseIhaven’tgotasmileonmyfadI’mnotspeaking—butI’mjustthesameinside,aren’tI?Meanwhilehewasstumblingaboutandknogintothings.Helookedasifshehadputacurseonhim.Helefthiscoffeeandbaraightout.mshewokebeforehedid,andwasabouttoslidequietlyoutofbedsoasnottohaveto“putontheperformance,”whichwashowshewasnowthinkingofit,buthesatstraightupinbedandsheadjustedherfacesothatshewasstaringathimovertheedgeoftheduvet.Heletoutashout,asifhehadhadanightmare,andtheosob,“You’reacruelwoman,Mary.You’reacruelhardwoman.”Thatnighthesighedinhissleepandgroanedandshoutedoutwhatsoundedlikeimprecationsifrightenedher.Hecouldkillme,shethought,and,no,shewasn’tanywherenearbeingthrilledbutdecided,I’llstopit.It’senough.Butshecouldn’tstop.Animplacableacgstarehadfasteselfonherfadshethought,ButIstarteditallfoodreason,didn’tI?
Andthedayspassed.OnanevenihefourweretogetherMaryhopedtheotherswouldnotnoticethatshewasignDemetriosandthathewasdoinganythingtoavoidlookingather.ButHelennoticed,allright.
dayMaryaskedHelen,“Howlongdoyougoonwithit?”
“I’veneverkeptituplohanaday.Well,Ilovehim,don’tI?”Shesoundedabitevasive.
ItwasnowthreeweekssinceMaryhadbegureatment.Shewasinafrenzyofpaniddidnotgooutatallbutsatweeping,asilent,staring,notatDmitri,forhewasnotthere,butatthewall.Shedidnotknoashappening,butitwasterrible.Hadshelostherhusband?Hewasnotingintillverylate,becausehehadbeendrinking.Whenhedidhestumbledaroundtheroomswearingather—ihenonenighthedidn’tehome.
“What’sgoingonwithyouandDmitri?”asksTom,meetingMaryireet.“Areyouhavingaquarrel?”
“Nothinglikethat,”Marysayssmiling,whileshefeelsherlifeisfallingapart.
Ihatnightsheputherarmsaroundherdrunkhusband,frombehind,andnuzzledupandsaid,“itri,don’tsulk.”“Gotohell!”heshouted,andblubberednoisily,inawaythatmadeherhatehim,andthenhesuddenlyfellasleep.Inthemsheandoutofbedandlaidthebreakfast,andwhenhecameoutofthebathroom,alreadyputtingonhisjackettogoout,sheheldhimatthedoorandsaid,“I’vegotanicebreakfastforyou.”
Atwhichhelaughed,butitwaslikeabark,andheshookhisfiherinclumsysarcasmandsaid,“You’retalking.Youdon’tusewordstome,soshutup,Idon’twanttohearyou.”Heleft.
MarywenttowhereHelenwaswiththebaby.Shewasamongagroupofwivesandbabies.Theywerealllaughingandtalkingandjogglingtheirbabiesabout.WasthatreallyHelen?Wassheillorsomething?Shelookedthin,andevenugly,withherlumpynursis.AndasshestoodlookingatHelen,thinking,Butthat’snotwhatHelenislike,shethoughtthatthesedaysDmitriseemedtoherafatclumsymanwitharedswollendrinker’sface.MarywenttojointhegroupandsawthatHelenwasnotmovinguponthebenakeroomforher.Marypushedherwayin,aerminationwassuchthatonebyohewomeaoffwiththeirpramsandpushchairs.
NowMarytoldHelenthewholestory,andsheknewshesoundedlikeamadwoman.Helenushingtheprambadforth.Shepusheditoneway,jiggleditupanddown,pulleditbacktowardher,jiggleditinalongthoughtfulpause,andpusheditfain,andtoMaryitseemedthatthepramhadbeepartofthelisteningandjudging.
“You’vekeptitupforthreeweeks?”Helensaidatlast,withacarefulhattoldMaryshewastrolliremerea.Herfacewassevere.ShemightneverhavebeenMary’sbestfriend.“Threeweeks,”statedHelen.“Nowonderhe’ssick.”
“Ishesick?”
“’tyouseeforyourself?”saidthisnewHelen,withhercoldbleakfaotbeautifulatall.Theyweresittingonanuglywoodenbenchoutsideapubthatneededpainting,andwasn’tallthatattractive,althoughtherewerelittlebaytreesohersideofthedoor.Thetreeseringandtheyweredusty.
“TomsaidthatDemetrioswastoodrunktoworkyesterday.He’lllosehisjobifhe’snotcareful.”
Thewords“Butyougavemetheidea”couldhemselvesoffMary’stongue.Shewasaskingherself—andshewasinthegripofthepanicthatseemedtobeherpermadition—whydidItakewhatshesaidthewayIdid?
“You’dbettertryandmakeituptohim,”pronouncedHelen,aupfromthebendwentoffwithherbaby,notevensmilingatMaryorsaying,“Seeyoutomorrow.”
I’velostHelen,too,thoughtMary.ShewenttositoutsidetherestaurantwhereDmitriworked.Hehadanhour’sbreakiernoon.Whenhecameoutsherantohimandputherhandonhisarmandsaid,“Dmitri,I’msorry,I’msorry,Dmitri.”Shewasgaurningawayfromherandsaying,“Soyou’resorry,andthat’sallyouhavetosay.Whatwasallthatfor?Iwantedakid,that’sall.You’reabadwoman,Mary.”Shecouldseehefelthorrorashelookedather,quickly,forhewasafraidthatcoldangrystaremightappearagainonherface.Hetriedtopullhisarmaway,butsheheldtightandsaid,“Pleasepleaseplease,please,Dmitri.”Hestoodtherehalfturnedaway,withnervoussideglaher,butavoidinghereyes,whichafflictedhim.Shethinks,Hewillhatemeforever,butpleads,“Please,Dmitri,ehomenow.”Thetwostoodcloseonthepavement,andpeoplegoingpastmovedwelloutoftheirway,andshewasgingtohimfordearlife,forthatwashowitfelttoher,becauseeverythingwasatstake.Shewasweepingloudly,andhewashotandredandmiserable.
Homewasonlyafewminutesaway.Hewentstumblingbesideheratightholdofhim,forhemightrunoffandshewouldneverseehimagain.
Athomeshetriedtopullhimintothebedroom,buthesatatthetablewithhisheadinhishands.“Whatareyouthinkingnow?”heasked.“We’llhavesexahat’stheendofit?”
“I’vestoppedtakingthePill,Dmitri.”
“Soyou’vestoppedthePill.”
“etobed,please,Dmitri.”
“Whatawaytomakeababy.”
Shegrabbedhishandstopullhimup,ahinking,ButwhenhaveIeverhadtotalkhimintobedbefore?Helethimselfbepulled,andstumbledwithherintobed.Hewasweeping,withroughuglypainfulsobs.Shehadbrokenhim.Shewasnotfeelinganythinglikeherlittlethrillofvictoryorthepleasantfearoftheirsexualgames.Insideherselfshewasbabbling,“He’llgetoverit,he’llfet,andwe’llgobacktohoere.”Fornowitseemedtoherthathowtheyhadbeenwaswonderful,andshecouldnotuandwhyshehadthrownitaway.
Meanwhileitcertainlywasnotaquestionofmakinglove,orevenofsex,becauseshewasholdinginherhandasmalllimpshrinkingpieceofflesh,andnothinglikethishadeverhappenedbefore.
“Don’tyoudoitagain,”hewassaying,inhisnewroughmiserablevoice.“Don’tyoudoit,I’mtellingyou.IfyoudoI’llkillyou.I’lljustwalkoutandneverehome,sodon’tyoudoit.”
Helaydownonthebed,butonhisbaotturnedaway.Sheinsinuatedherselfinsidehisarm,lyingascloseasshecould.“Oh,Dmitri,I’msosorry.”Shewasweepingbutshefeltbetter,becauseshehaddecidedtohearwhathehadsaidasakindiveness.Shewastellingherself,“We’llfetallthisinadayortwoahingwillbeasitwas.”?松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
“Lookathim,”saysHelen.“Idon’tsayanything,andIgoonlooking.”
“Whatdoeshedothen?”asksMary,gazingatHelenasshesooftendoes,asifHelenhadtheseethingorother.
“Thenhegivesin,”saysHelen,andlaughs.Thelaugh,asalways,takesMarycaptive,andthistimeitseemstoreverberaterightthroughher,andHeleoberememberingsomethingdelicious,forshesitssmiling.
HelenistheGreekwifeofTom,whoisEnglish.HesawherinatavernainNaxos,whereshewaswaitingonhimandoherfntouristsasifsheweredoingthemafavor,andhefellinloveandpersuadedhertoreturntoEnglandwithhim.irelyfngroundtoher,becauseshehasrelativesinthelargeGreekandCypriotunityinCamdenTown,andshevisitedthemonesummer.MaryistheEnglishwifeofDemetrios,andshewaswithagirlfriendonholidayinándroswhenthehandsomewaiterinthecaféoverlookingtheseafellihher.He,too,hasrelativesinLondon.NowheisawaiterinaGreekrestaurantcalledtheArgonauts;aendstohavehisowaurantsoon.HewillcallitDmitri’s,becauseDmitriiswhatMarycallshim.MeanwhiletheyliveintworoomsroceryownedbyHelen’sTom.
Thetwowomenspendmstogether,gossipingorshopping,butnowHelenhasababyaengotoPrimroseHillandsitonabenchwiththeprampushedintosomeshade.Thereareotherwives,GreekandCypriot,andsomemsitisquitealittlefemaleunity,butHelenandMaryarereizedasspecialfriends.Someeveningsthetwocouplesmakeafoursomeihepubs,cafés,orrestaurants,andontheseeveningsMaryoftengratulatesherselfthatshemadealltherightchoicesthatbroughtherawayfrCroydon,tobehereamongpeoplewholaugheasily,orstartsinging,andwhomightendaneveningwithimpromptudang,evenoables.ShemightnothavegooGreecethatsummer,mighthavesaidnotoDemetrioswhenherparentsputpressureon.
OnthisdayMarygoeshomeexcitedalessandsitsinfrontofherlookingglassandexaminesherself.Sheoftehis.Sheisplump,pretty,withruddycheeks,blackcurls,andalotofwell-placeddimples,andDmitricallsherhislittleblackberry.Butshehasgrayeyes,andhesaysthatifitweren’tforthosecoolEnglisheyeshecouldbelieveshehasGreekblood.Hisblackeyeseasilysmolder,orburn,orreproach.Maryleansherforearmsamolebottlesofst,thelipsticks,theeyepaint,andtriesoutexpressions.Sheputsalongunsmilingunblinkingstareonherfadfrightensherselfwithit.Sheshutshereyes,soastoseethatstareonHelen’sface,butfails,becauseHelenonlysmiles.MaryadmiresHelen.Thatisputtingitmildly.BecauseofsomethingDmitrisaid,Maryactuallywenttothelibraryandfoundabookcalled“GreekMythsforChildren,”andthereshereadthataHelehousandsofyearsago,wasabeauty,aartedawarbecausereeceparentscalledtheirlittlegirlsHelen,asifthenamewerejustBettyorJoaoldMarythatMarywastheMod,butMarysaidshewasn’treallyintion.
AndwhyshouldMarywanttotryoutHelen’ssilentstaringorios?Thatisthetrouble.Maryisfullofanunfortabledissatisfawithlifeandwithherselfandthisislikeanaccusationagainstherhusband.Shedoeswonderwhyshefeelslikethisbuthasdecidedthatsheisdefendingherself.Heisdistentedbecausehewantstostartafamily,particularlynowthatheisseeinghisfriendsTomandHelenwiththeirbaby,butMarysays,“No,Dmitri,let’swaitabit,what’sthehurry?”Shereallydoesmeantohaveababy,andevensoon,butsheisafraidofbeingtakehat’spens,shethinks,watgthewomensheseeseveryday.Theyhaveababyand...well,Iwon’tbelikethat.AndHelenisn’t,isshe?Sheisexactlythesame,asifthatbabyhadarrivedfromsomewhereoutoftheair,andshehadcaughtitlikeapresentsomeohrowntoher.MaryisonthePillandneverfetstotakeit.Dmitrisaysthingslike“OhesedaysI’llthrowallthatjunkintotherubbish.”HisroughvoidhoteyesatsuentsthrillMaryandremindherofearlierdays.
ShesaidtoHelen,“IsTomthesametoyounow?”Heleninstantlyuoodandsaid,withthelaughthatwaslikeanadmissionthatshehadsomesecretfasatinglifeMarywastoomuchofaclodtouand,“Ofcourse,he’sEnglish,isn’the?He’sjustthesameaswheartedtogether.”AndsheexaminedMaryinherfrankwaythatMaryatfirstthoughtwas“tactless,”andsaid,“Youdon’tuandsomething.Greekmenareromantitheyarec.Theykissyoualotandtheymakepliments.Butwhenyouaremarriedyouarejusthiswife.”
ThesummerMarywenttoándros,Demetrioscourtedherwithflowersaedsoapsandchocolates,andhesaidshewasbeautifulandhehadneverknownanythinglikeher.Hekissedherinthemoonlight,andonenightheevencoveredherhandswithkissesandhottears,too.Marykhiswasthemostwonderfulthingthathadeverhappeoherorprobablywouldhappen.Itmadeheruhatthiswasso.WhatwasDemetrios,then?Whodidhethinkhewas—washersecretfeeling.Achedhimwhilehewasasleep,thinking,Butwhy?Butsheoftenremembered,too,howhehadbeehatsummer,threeyearsago.NowhewasassensibleasanyEnglishman.LikeTom,aboutwhomHelensighed,thoughsmiling,sayingitwaslulikedhisfuninbed,becauseotherwiseshe’dthinkhedidn’tloveher.
Alikelystory,thinksMary,whowonderswhyHelensaidyestoTom.Hewasallright,notbad-looking.“Hemakesmelaugh,”saysHelen.Butsurelyshemustsometimesfindhimb?
ButdidDmitristillloveMary?
Thatnight,whenherolledtowardherinbed,shesaid,“No,Idon’tfeellikeit,”tryingtomakeherselfsoundlikeHelenwheeasingandtaunting,butsheknewshehadnotsucceeded.Shehadneversaidnobefore:shelikedherfuoo.Hewasassurprisedasifshehadsaidshewantedadivorce.“What’swrongwithyou?”hedemanded.Whatheshouldhaveaskedwas“ButwhathaveIdohoughshewouldnothaveknownwhattoreplyifhehad.Sheturnedherba,knowingthishurtherasmuchasitdidhim:shecouldfeelhisbaffled,hurtglareonhershoulders.Hemutteredsomethingshewasgladshehadnotheard.Helayawakeandshedid,too,butpreteobeasleep.
mhekeptsighingandgivingherhardacglooks.IthappehatitwasSaturday,andthatnightthetwocoupleswenttodrinkinthegardenofapub,andthenhaddiherestaurantwhereDmitriwasawaiter,butitwashisnightoff.Thewomeimesworkedthereaswaitresseswhentheyneededabitextraforthehousekeeping.Everyohem,peoplewavedorcalledgreetingsorcametoadmirethebabyasleepinthepram.MarysawhowHelenhungonTom’sarmaheyweregoingtomakelovethemiheygothome.WheriosandMarygothomehesaidtoher,“Ihopeyouaren’tgoingtonotfeellikeittonight.”Hewasclumsyinhissarcasm,andthatmadeiteasyforhertosay,“Imighthtnot,”butinbedheatoackedher,asshetriedtoplaintoherself,butitwasnogoodsayingshedidn’tfeellikeitwhenitwasevidenttobothofthemthatshedid.“Whenareyougoingtogivemeakid?”hesaidafterward,andhewasdoingsomethingshealwaysfoundfrighteningaing:hewasslidingherweddingringaroundandaroundherfinger,asifhewerethinkingofthrowingitaway.“I’llsee,”shesaid,knowingshehadneverprovokedhimlikethisbefore.Thenshefoundherselfbeingraped.Therewasnootherwordforit.Shewasallslipperyfromtheretsex,sohecouldnotknowshewasthrilledandquitedissolvedandcouldeasilyhavesaidthenandthere,“Yes,allrightaboutthebaby,”ifhehadnotbeengroaningintoherear,“Youbitch,Iwantababy.Now,notintenyears.”
mshedidnotsayonewordatbreakfast.Hedidn’tnotice.Hewastakinghistimewiththetoastandthejamandthecoffee:hedidn’thavetobeattherestaurantuntileleven.Thiswasthebestpartoftheirday,thehoursbeforehewenttowork.Theytalkedordidn’ttalk,ahepaper,andsometimeswentbacktobed.Shekhatwhenthebabycametheirmswouldneverbelikethisagaioldhimso,andhehadsaid,“Andsowhat.”Thismadeherfeelhedidn’tloveher.Itwasnotuntiltheendofthisbreakfastthatherealizedhersilencewasmeant,aedhisheadandlookedather,longandhard,andshelookedcoldlybadtheonwithit,usingtheunblinkingstareshehadpracticedbeforethemirror.“Whatthehell?”hesaid.“What...?”Shesaidnothingbutsatinfrontofhimandstared.Itwasdrivinghimwild,shecouldsee,alyshewasexcited,shewasthrilled,andsheanswerednotonewordwhilehewentonexclaimingandacgandaskingwhatthehellshethoughtshewasdoing,andthenheshouted“Bitch!”atheraofftowork.
MarysatwithHelenoutsideapub,inthesun,withthebabyintheprambetweenthem,andMarythought,Idon’treallymindababy,Isuppose.I’llleaveoffthePillahappens.ButI’mnotgoingtotellDmitri,.AndI’mnotgoingtogiveintothebaby.
“Howlongdoyoukeepitup?”sheasked,tryingtosoundcasual,butHelenatonderstoodandsaid,“Oh,it’snotmuch—IjustliketoseehowlongIkeepitup.BecauseIwanttogiveinandIdon’t.”
WhydidHelenfihingsoeasy?Shewastalkingasifitallwerenothing,justajoke.Whydon’tIfindthingseasy?Marywasthinkingasshesatsilentanddismal,lookingatHelen’slongthinbrownlegsandherbrownthinarms,aheblackdresswasonher,andherblackshininghairlooseonhershoulders.Thatdresswouldlooklikeabune....Thebabybegangrizzling,andHelenpickeditup,notroubleatall,hardlylooking,andshesangsomeGreeknurserysonginherdeepsexyvoice.Thebabystoppedg.ThesoftlittleheadwasinchesawayfromMary,andthesweetintimatebabysmellmadeherwanttocry.Oh,no,shethought,oh,no—butHelencasuallyhandedherthecuddlesomebundleandsaid,“I’mgoingtothetoilet,”andoffshestrode,withtheblaenswingingaroundher.
Marythought,IsupposeDmitriwillsingourbabyGreeksongs.WheriosandHelenspoketogetherinGreekMarylistenedandshewasn’tthinkingofthekebabsandtaramasalataasinaandallthatstufftheyhadrighthereinLondonbutofthesunonthedark-blueseaarodtheolivetreesandthesinging.OftehetwoGreekstalkedtogetherTomandMary—herknewmorethanafewwordsofGreek—exgedsmilesaowledgingthatthesepeopletheyhadmarriedweresometimesstraothem.
MarydidnotspeaktoDemetriosthatnightwhenhecamein,asusual,late,wellaftermidnight,butshesatupinbedandstaredathimwhilehestumbledaroundtheroomandsworeanddiscardedhisclothesanyhowandthenflunghimselfonthebedwithhisbacktoher.Shelooputherarmsaroundhimfrombehindanddowhathelovedherto,whichwasnibblehisearandthenkissandbitehishefirsttimeshedidthisithadbeenlikejumpingoverafeothedarkbecauseshewastakiiative,whichshehadnotdone—shelikedbeingtheonewhosaidyes—andtherewasatoormofsex.Buttherewasn’talways:I’mnotgoingtoletyoutakemefranted,saidDmitri,teasingher—shethought,butthensawthiswashisdelicacyagain,forhewassensitive,surprisingher,whenyou’dthinkhewasjustabigroughnoisyman.Heknewshewouldbeshy,afraidhewouldthinkshewasaskingforsexinsteadofsometimesjustacuddle,andthatwaswhyhekeptherguessing.ShehadseenHelengivingTomlittletouchesandstrokesthatputalookofwonderandastonishmentonhisfadshehadtriedthemoutonDmitri—withoutHelenshewouldneverhavethoughtofdoinganythinglikethat.NowshelaybesideDmitri,rigid,ahinkingthatonenightitwaseasytoputone’sarmsaroundone’shusbandandthenbehappytillm,anightitossibletoputahandtotouchhim,letalonekissesandnibbles.
Shekeptthesilencegoingallnight,forshedidnotsleep,amthroughbreakfast.Andnowshewasfrightened.Shesatstaringathimwhileheavertedhiseyesbutsometimesglaherinwonderment,inanger,andinfear.Butaswellasbeingscaredshewasdissatisfied,andherdissatisfawitheverythingandwithhim,likeanaccusationofhim,wasstrongereveryminute,becausewhatshewasdoingwasfeedingit.Heshouldbewell,heshouldbekissingherhandsandcthemwithtearsandsayinghewassorry.
Thatnightshewascarefultoseemasleepwhenhecameinfromtherestaurant.Perhapshewillkissme,shethought:heoftendid,whenshewasasleep.Shewouldputupherarmsandpullhimdownintoher.Buthedidn’tkissher.
matbreakfastshecouldseeherselfsittingthere,withherstaringfacelikearadardishfollowinghimaroundtheroom.Hewasnotlookingather,though.Shethought,He’sstupid.JustbecauseIhaven’tgotasmileonmyfadI’mnotspeaking—butI’mjustthesameinside,aren’tI?Meanwhilehewasstumblingaboutandknogintothings.Helookedasifshehadputacurseonhim.Helefthiscoffeeandbaraightout.mshewokebeforehedid,andwasabouttoslidequietlyoutofbedsoasnottohaveto“putontheperformance,”whichwashowshewasnowthinkingofit,buthesatstraightupinbedandsheadjustedherfacesothatshewasstaringathimovertheedgeoftheduvet.Heletoutashout,asifhehadhadanightmare,andtheosob,“You’reacruelwoman,Mary.You’reacruelhardwoman.”Thatnighthesighedinhissleepandgroanedandshoutedoutwhatsoundedlikeimprecationsifrightenedher.Hecouldkillme,shethought,and,no,shewasn’tanywherenearbeingthrilledbutdecided,I’llstopit.It’senough.Butshecouldn’tstop.Animplacableacgstarehadfasteselfonherfadshethought,ButIstarteditallfoodreason,didn’tI?
Andthedayspassed.OnanevenihefourweretogetherMaryhopedtheotherswouldnotnoticethatshewasignDemetriosandthathewasdoinganythingtoavoidlookingather.ButHelennoticed,allright.
dayMaryaskedHelen,“Howlongdoyougoonwithit?”
“I’veneverkeptituplohanaday.Well,Ilovehim,don’tI?”Shesoundedabitevasive.
ItwasnowthreeweekssinceMaryhadbegureatment.Shewasinafrenzyofpaniddidnotgooutatallbutsatweeping,asilent,staring,notatDmitri,forhewasnotthere,butatthewall.Shedidnotknoashappening,butitwasterrible.Hadshelostherhusband?Hewasnotingintillverylate,becausehehadbeendrinking.Whenhedidhestumbledaroundtheroomswearingather—ihenonenighthedidn’tehome.
“What’sgoingonwithyouandDmitri?”asksTom,meetingMaryireet.“Areyouhavingaquarrel?”
“Nothinglikethat,”Marysayssmiling,whileshefeelsherlifeisfallingapart.
Ihatnightsheputherarmsaroundherdrunkhusband,frombehind,andnuzzledupandsaid,“itri,don’tsulk.”“Gotohell!”heshouted,andblubberednoisily,inawaythatmadeherhatehim,andthenhesuddenlyfellasleep.Inthemsheandoutofbedandlaidthebreakfast,andwhenhecameoutofthebathroom,alreadyputtingonhisjackettogoout,sheheldhimatthedoorandsaid,“I’vegotanicebreakfastforyou.”
Atwhichhelaughed,butitwaslikeabark,andheshookhisfiherinclumsysarcasmandsaid,“You’retalking.Youdon’tusewordstome,soshutup,Idon’twanttohearyou.”Heleft.
MarywenttowhereHelenwaswiththebaby.Shewasamongagroupofwivesandbabies.Theywerealllaughingandtalkingandjogglingtheirbabiesabout.WasthatreallyHelen?Wassheillorsomething?Shelookedthin,andevenugly,withherlumpynursis.AndasshestoodlookingatHelen,thinking,Butthat’snotwhatHelenislike,shethoughtthatthesedaysDmitriseemedtoherafatclumsymanwitharedswollendrinker’sface.MarywenttojointhegroupandsawthatHelenwasnotmovinguponthebenakeroomforher.Marypushedherwayin,aerminationwassuchthatonebyohewomeaoffwiththeirpramsandpushchairs.
NowMarytoldHelenthewholestory,andsheknewshesoundedlikeamadwoman.Helenushingtheprambadforth.Shepusheditoneway,jiggleditupanddown,pulleditbacktowardher,jiggleditinalongthoughtfulpause,andpusheditfain,andtoMaryitseemedthatthepramhadbeepartofthelisteningandjudging.
“You’vekeptitupforthreeweeks?”Helensaidatlast,withacarefulhattoldMaryshewastrolliremerea.Herfacewassevere.ShemightneverhavebeenMary’sbestfriend.“Threeweeks,”statedHelen.“Nowonderhe’ssick.”
“Ishesick?”
“’tyouseeforyourself?”saidthisnewHelen,withhercoldbleakfaotbeautifulatall.Theyweresittingonanuglywoodenbenchoutsideapubthatneededpainting,andwasn’tallthatattractive,althoughtherewerelittlebaytreesohersideofthedoor.Thetreeseringandtheyweredusty.
“TomsaidthatDemetrioswastoodrunktoworkyesterday.He’lllosehisjobifhe’snotcareful.”
Thewords“Butyougavemetheidea”couldhemselvesoffMary’stongue.Shewasaskingherself—andshewasinthegripofthepanicthatseemedtobeherpermadition—whydidItakewhatshesaidthewayIdid?
“You’dbettertryandmakeituptohim,”pronouncedHelen,aupfromthebendwentoffwithherbaby,notevensmilingatMaryorsaying,“Seeyoutomorrow.”
I’velostHelen,too,thoughtMary.ShewenttositoutsidetherestaurantwhereDmitriworked.Hehadanhour’sbreakiernoon.Whenhecameoutsherantohimandputherhandonhisarmandsaid,“Dmitri,I’msorry,I’msorry,Dmitri.”Shewasgaurningawayfromherandsaying,“Soyou’resorry,andthat’sallyouhavetosay.Whatwasallthatfor?Iwantedakid,that’sall.You’reabadwoman,Mary.”Shecouldseehefelthorrorashelookedather,quickly,forhewasafraidthatcoldangrystaremightappearagainonherface.Hetriedtopullhisarmaway,butsheheldtightandsaid,“Pleasepleaseplease,please,Dmitri.”Hestoodtherehalfturnedaway,withnervoussideglaher,butavoidinghereyes,whichafflictedhim.Shethinks,Hewillhatemeforever,butpleads,“Please,Dmitri,ehomenow.”Thetwostoodcloseonthepavement,andpeoplegoingpastmovedwelloutoftheirway,andshewasgingtohimfordearlife,forthatwashowitfelttoher,becauseeverythingwasatstake.Shewasweepingloudly,andhewashotandredandmiserable.
Homewasonlyafewminutesaway.Hewentstumblingbesideheratightholdofhim,forhemightrunoffandshewouldneverseehimagain.
Athomeshetriedtopullhimintothebedroom,buthesatatthetablewithhisheadinhishands.“Whatareyouthinkingnow?”heasked.“We’llhavesexahat’stheendofit?”
“I’vestoppedtakingthePill,Dmitri.”
“Soyou’vestoppedthePill.”
“etobed,please,Dmitri.”
“Whatawaytomakeababy.”
Shegrabbedhishandstopullhimup,ahinking,ButwhenhaveIeverhadtotalkhimintobedbefore?Helethimselfbepulled,andstumbledwithherintobed.Hewasweeping,withroughuglypainfulsobs.Shehadbrokenhim.Shewasnotfeelinganythinglikeherlittlethrillofvictoryorthepleasantfearoftheirsexualgames.Insideherselfshewasbabbling,“He’llgetoverit,he’llfet,andwe’llgobacktohoere.”Fornowitseemedtoherthathowtheyhadbeenwaswonderful,andshecouldnotuandwhyshehadthrownitaway.
Meanwhileitcertainlywasnotaquestionofmakinglove,orevenofsex,becauseshewasholdinginherhandasmalllimpshrinkingpieceofflesh,andnothinglikethishadeverhappenedbefore.
“Don’tyoudoitagain,”hewassaying,inhisnewroughmiserablevoice.“Don’tyoudoit,I’mtellingyou.IfyoudoI’llkillyou.I’lljustwalkoutandneverehome,sodon’tyoudoit.”
Helaydownonthebed,butonhisbaotturnedaway.Sheinsinuatedherselfinsidehisarm,lyingascloseasshecould.“Oh,Dmitri,I’msosorry.”Shewasweepingbutshefeltbetter,becauseshehaddecidedtohearwhathehadsaidasakindiveness.Shewastellingherself,“We’llfetallthisinadayortwoahingwillbeasitwas.”?松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
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Copyright (C) 2019 All Rights Reserved 版权所有：松语文学