CHAPTER 11

  Theend,whenitarrived,provedbothtimelyandapt.NotonlyhadIlearnedeverythingMr.Martinhadtooffer,butIwassickofitall—thepractice,therepertoire,thediscipline,andtheennuiofeighty-eightkeys.BythetimeIturnedsixteen,Ibeganlookingforanexcusetoquit,awayoutthatwouldnotbreakmymothersheart.ThetruthisthatwhileIamaverygoodpianist,greateven,Iwasneversublime.Yes,byfarthebestinourremotehamlet,nodoubtourerofthestate,maybethebestfrombordertoborder,butbeyondthat,no.Ilackedthepassion,theingfire,tobeaworld-classpianist.Lookingforward,thealternativewasdreadful.ToenduplikeoldMr.Martinhimself,teagothersafterased-ratecareer?Iwouldratherplayinabordello.

  Overbreakfastonem,Iopehthisgambit:"Mom,IdontthinkImgoingtogetaer."

  "Betterthanwhat?"sheasked,whippingeggs.

  "Atthepiano,atmusic.IthinkitsasfarasIgo."

  Shepouredthemessintoaskillet,theeggssizzlingastheyhitbutterandhotiron,andsaidnothingwhileshestirred.Sheservedmeaplateofeggsandtoast,andIatetheminsilence.Coffeehand,shesatacrossthetablefromme."Henry,"shesaidsoftly,wantingmyattention."Doyourememberthedaywhenyouwerealittleboyandranawayfromhome?"

  Ididnot,butIheaffirmativebetweenbites.

  "Itwasabrightdayandhot,hotterthanHades.Iwantedabathtocooloff.TheheatsohingItgetusedto.AndIaskedyoutomindMaryandElizabeth,andyoudisappearedintotheforest.Doyourememberthat?"

  TherewasnowayIcouldremember,butInoddedmyheadasIswallowedthelastslugejuice.

  "Iputthegirlstobedandcamebackdown,butyone."Hereyeswelledupassheretedtheexperience."Welookedoverhillandyonbutcouldntfindyou.Asthedayworeon,Icalledyourfathertoehome,aelephohepolidthefiremen,andwewerealllookingforyouforhours,callingoutyourothenight."Shelookedpastme,asifrelivingtheexperienhermindseye.

  "Anyms,Mom?"

  Shewavedherspoontowardthestove,andIhelpedmyself."Whenitgrewdark,Igrewafraidforyou.Whoknowswhatlivesoutinthatforest?IknewawomanonDonegalwhosebabywasstolenfromher.Shedgoopickblackberriesaherchildsleepingonablahtsummerday,andwhenshecameback,thebabywasgone,andtheyneverdidfindit,poorthing,notatrace.Allthatremainedressioonthegrass."

  Ipepperedmyeggsanddugin.

  "Ithoughtofyoulostandwantingyourmother,andIcouldoyou,andIprayedtoGodthatyoudehome.Whentheyfoundyou,itwaslikeasedce.Quittingwouldbethrowingawayyoursedce,yod-givengift.Itsablessingandyoushoulduseyourtalent."

  "Lateforschool."Imoppedtheplatewithaheelofbread,kissedthetopofherhead,aed.BeforeImadeitdownthefrontsteps,Iregrettednotbeingmoreforceful.Mostofmylifehasbeenruledbyindecision,andIamgratefulwheercedes,relievingmefromchoidresponsibilityformyas.

  Bythetimeofthewinterrecitalthatyear,justthesightandsoundofthepianomademystomach.IcouldnotdisappointmyparentsbyquittingMr.Martinaltogether,soIpretehatallwaswell.Wearrivedearly,atthecerthall,amyfamilyatthedoortofindtheirseatswhileImopedaboutbackstage.Thefolderolsurroundingtherecitalsremainedunged.Inthewingsofthetheater,studentsmilledabout,mentallypreparingfortheirturns,practigtheirfingeringonanyflatsurface.Mr.Martinpacedamongus,tingheads,reassuriage-frighteheinpetent,andtherelut."Youaremyprizepupil,"hesaid."ThebestIveevertaught.Theonlyrealpianoplayerinthewholebunch.Makethemcry,Henry."Andwiththat,hepinnedaationonmylapel.Heswirledandpartedthecurtainstothebrightnessofthefootlightstoweletheassemblage.Myperformahegrandfinale,soIhadtimetoduckoutthebadsmokeaCamelpinchedfrommyfatherspack.Awintersnighthadfallen,clearandcold.Arat,startledbymypresehealley,stoppedandstaredatme.Ishowedthevermih,hissedandglowered,butIcouldnotscareit.Onceuponatime,suchcreatureswereterrifiedofme.

  Thatfrozennight,Ifeltentirelyhumanaehethoughtofthewarmtheater.Ifthiswastobemyfarewellperformance,Iresolvedtogivethemsomethingtoremembermeby.Imovedlikeawhip,cragthekeys,thundering,floating,therightpressureonallthepartialnotes.Membersoftheaudiencebeganrisingfromtheirseatstoleadtheapplausebeforethestringsstoppedhumming.Ented,theyshoweredtheirhuzzahs,somuchsothatIalmostfothowmuchIhatedthewholebusiness.Backstage,Mr.Martiedmefirst,tearsofjoyinhiseyes,squealing"Bravo,"aheotherstudents,halfofthembarelymaskingtheirreseheotherhalfedwithjealousy,aowledgingwithgrudginggracioushatIhadoutshoheirperformances.Iheparents,siblings,friends,neighbors,andassortedmusiclovers.Theyclumpedaroundtheplayers,butIdrewthelargestcrowd,andIdidnotnoticethewomanintheredcoatuntilmostofthewell-wishershadvanished.

  Mymotheringlipstiycheekwithawethandkerchiefwhenthewomanmeaomyperipheralvision.Sheappearednormalandpleasant,aboutfortyyearsold.Herdeepbrownhairframedanintelligentface,butIerplexedatthewayherpalegreeneyeshadfixeduponme.Shestared,scrutiudied,andpondered,asifdredgingupaninnermystery.Shewasaraome.

  "Excuseme,"shesaid."ButyoureAndrewDay?"

  "HenryDay,"Icorrectedher.

  &quht,Henry.Youplaywonderfully."

  "Thankyou."Iturnedbayparents,whointimatedthattheywerereadytogo.

  Maybeshesawmyprofile,orperhapsthesimpleactawaysetoffsomethinginherbrain,butshegaspedanddrewherfiohermouth."Yourehim,"shesaid."Yourethelittleboy."

  Isquiherandsmiled.

  "YouaretheoneIsawinthewoodsthatnight.Ontheroad?Withthedeer?"Shestartedtoraisehervoice."Dontyouremember?Isawyouontheroadwiththoseotherboys.Itmusthavebeeornineyearsagobynow.Youreallgrownupahing,butyourethatlittleboy,nodoubt.Iwasworriedaboutyou."

  "Idontknowwhatyouaretalkingabout,maam."Iturogo,butshegrabbedmyarm.

  "Itisyou.IcrackedmyheadonthedashboardwhenIhitthedeer,andIthoughtyouwereadreamatfirst.Youcameoutoftheforest—"

  Iyelpedasoundthathushedtheroom,apurerawcrythatstartledeveryone,myselfincluded.Ididnotrealizemycapacityforsuinhumanillexisted.Mymotherintervened.

  "Letgoofmyson,"shetoldher."Yourehurtinghisarm."

  "Look,lady,"Isaid,"Idontknowyou."

  Myfathersteppedintothemiddleofthetriangle."Whatisthisallabout?"

  Thewomanseyesflashedinanger."Isawyourboy.OnenightIwasdrivinghomefromthetry,andthisdeerjumpedrightontotheroadinfrontofmycar.Iswervedtomissher,butIclippedherwithmybumper.Ididntknowwhattodo,soIgotoutofthecartoseeifIcouldhelp."

  Sheshiftedherattentionfrommyfatherandbeganaddressingme."Fromthewoodsesthisboy,aboutseveyearsold.Yourson.Aartledmemorethanthedeerdid.Outofnowhere,walksrightuptothedeerlikethemostnaturalthingintheworld;thedowntoitsmouthornoseorwhateveryoucallit.Hardtobelieve,buthecuppedhishandoverhermuzzle,ahed.Itwasmagic.Thedeerrolledoffherside,unfoldedherlegs,stood,andsprangoff.Themostincrediblethingthatseverhappeome."

  Irealizedthenthatshehadexperienenter.ButIknewIhadnotseenherbefore,andwhilesomegelingsarewillingtoinspirewildanimals,Ineverengagedinsuchfoolishness.

  "Igoodlookattheboyinmyheadlights,"shesaid,"althoughnotsogoodathisfriendsintheforest.Itwasyou.Whoareyoureally?"

  "Idontknowher."

  Mymother,rivetedbyherstory,cameupwithanalibi."IttbeHenry.Listen,heranawayfromhomewhenhewassevenyearsold,andIdidhimoutofmysightforthefewyears.Hewasbyhimselfatnight."

  Theiymeltedfromthewomansvoidhereyessearchedfnoffaith."Helookedatme,andwhenIaskedhimhisname,heranaway.SinightIvewondered..."

  Myfatherspokeiletoneheseldomused."Imsorry,butyoumustbemistaken.Everybodyhasadoubleintheworld.Maybeyousawsomeonewholookedabitlikemyson.Imsorryforyourtroubles."Shelookedintohiseyes,seargforaffirmation,butheofferedonlythesolaceofhiscalmdemeanor.Hetooktheredcoatfromherarmaopenforher.Sheslippediheheroomwithoutaword,withoutlookingbaherwaketrailedtheremnantsofangeranday.

  "Didyouever?"mymotherasked."Whatastory.Andtothinkthatshedactuallyhavetheosayit."

  Fromtheerofmyeye,Icouldseemyfatherwatgme,andthesensationunnervedme."wegonow?wegetoutofhere?"

  ereallinthedoutofthecity,Iannouncedmydecision."Imnotgoingbackthere.Nomorerecitals,nomorelessons,nomorestrangersinguptomewiththeirwildstories.Iquit."

  Foramoment,Ithoughtmyfatherwoulddriveofftheroad.HelitacigaretteaMomtakeovertheversation.

  "Henry,youknowhowIfeelaboutquitting...."

  "Didyouhearwhatthatladysaid?"Marychimedin."Shethoughtyoulivedinthewoods."

  "Youdonteveaoatree."Elizabethlaughed.

  "Thisisntaboutyourfeelings,Mom,butmine."

  Myfatherstaredatthewhitelihemiddleoftheroad.

  "Youareasensitiveboy,"mymothertinued."Butyoutletonewomanwithooryruinyourlife.Youdootellmeyoingtoquiteightyearsofworkonthebasisofafairytale."

  "Itisntthewomanintheredcoat.Ivehadenough.GoneasfarasIgo."

  "Bill,whydontyousaysomething?"

  "Dad,Imtiredofit.Sickofpractice,practice,practice.TiredofwastingmySaturdays.IthinkIshouldhaveasayovermyownlife."

  HedrebreathanddrummedhisfingersoeeriherestoftheDaysuoodthesignal.Quietallthewayhome.ThatnightIcouldhearthemtalking,makeouttheebbandflowofaloudaionalfrontation,butIhadlostallabilitytoeavesdropfromadistanawhileIdheara"goddam"or"bloody"explodefromhim,andshemayhavecried—Isupposeshedid—butthatsit.Nearmidnight,hestormedoutofthehouse,andthesoundofthecarpullingawayleftadesolatiodownstairstoseeifMomhadsurvivedtheordealandfoundhercalmlysittingi,ashoeboxopenoablebeforeher.

  "Henry,itslate."Shetiedaribbonaroundabundleoflettersainthebox."YourfatherusedtowriteonceaweekwhilehewasoverinNorthAfrica."Ikhestorybyheart,butsheunwounditagain.Pregnant,withahusbandoverseasatwar,allofeenatthetime,shelivedwithhisparents.ShewasstillalohetimeofHenrysbirth,andIwasnowalmostasoldasshehadbeenthroughthewholeordeal.tingmylifeasahobgoblin,Iwasoldenoughtobehergrandfather.Untamedagehadcreptintoherheart.

  "Youthinklifeseasywhenyoureyoung,andtakealmostanythingbecauseyouremotionsruns.Whenyoureup,youreiars,andwhenyouredown,youreatthebottomofthewell.ButalthoughIvegrownold—"

  Shewasthirty-fivebymycalculations.

  "ThatdoesntmeanIvefottenwhatitsliketobeyoung.Ofcourse,itsyourlifetodowithwhatyouchoose.Ihadhighhopesforyouasapianist,Henry,butyoubewhateveryouwish.Ifitsnotinyourheart,Iuand."

  "Wouldyoulikeacupoftea,Mom?"

  "Thatwouldbegrand."

  Twoweekslater,duriernoonbeforeChristmas,OscarLoveandIdroveintothecitytocelebratemynewlywonindependence.EversiepisodewithSally,Idhadaquestionortwoaboutmycapabilitytohaveintercourse,sothetripwasnotwithoutapprehension.WhenIlivedintheforest,onlyohosemonsterscoulddothetrick.Hehadbeencapturedtoolateinhischildhood,atthecuspofpuberty,andhegavethepoorfemalesnothingbuttrouble.Therestofuswerenotreadyphysicallytoperformtheact.

  ButIwasreadytoexperiehatnight.OsdItippedbackabottleofcheapwihusfortified,roachedthehouseatduskasthegirlswereopeningupshop.Iwouldliketoreportthatlosingmyvirginitywasbothexotiderotic,butthetruthisthatitwasmainlydark,rough,andovermuchmorequicklythanIhadexpected.Shewasfair-skinnedandpastherglory,theofplatinumhairae-onandaruse,andamongherseveralrulesfortheduration,nokissing.WhenIdisplayedatentativeuaintyastowhereandhowtogoabouttheact,shegrabbedmewithherhandandpushedmeintoposition.Ashorttimelater,allthatremainedwastogetdressed,paythebill,andwishhermerryChristmas.

  Whenmcamewithgiftsaroureeandthefamilylounginginpajamasandrobes,Ifeltonmywaytoabrand-newlife.Momawinswereoblivioustoanygeastheywentabouttheircheerfultasks,enuineaffeandsiderationofoher.Myfather,oherhand,mayhavesuspectedmydebauchofthenightbefore.Earlierthatm,whenIcamehomearoundtwooclock,thelivingroomsmelledofCamels,asifhehadbeenwaitingupformeandonlygoobedwhenOscarscarpulledintothedriveway.Throughoutthatdrowsyholiday,myfathermovedaboutthehousethewayabearmovesthroughitsterritorywhenitsmellsthepresenceofanothermale.Nothingsaid,butwaywardglances,brusqueness,asnarlortwo.Fortherestofourtimetogether,wedidalong.AyearandahalfremainedinmyhighschoolcareerbeforeIcouldgetawaytocollege,sowecircledoher,barelyexgienourrareenters.Hetreatedmelikeastrangerhalfofthetime.

  Irecalltwooccasionswheeppedoutofhisinnerworld,andbothtimeswereuling.Afewmonthsaftertheseatthewinterrecital,hebroughtupthematterofthewomaninredaraory.Weweretearingdownmymothershenhouse,havingsoldthebirdsandgottenoutoftheeggandchibusinessafterturningahandsomeprofit.Hisquestionsarrivediervalsbetweenthepryingcrowbar,squealingnails,andtearinglumber.

  "So,yourememberthatladyaoryabouttheboyandthedeer?"Herippedanotherplankfromtheframe."Whatdoyoumakeofthat?Doyouthinksuchathingcouldhappen?"

  "Soundedincredibletome,butIsupposeitmighthavehappened.Sheseemedprettysureofherself."

  Gruntingwitheffort,hetuggedawayatarustynail."Soitmightbetrue?Howdoyouexplaihinkingitwasyou?"

  "Ididntsayitwastrue.Sheseemedvihappened,butitisntlikely,isit?Andanyway,supposesomethinglikethatdidhappentoher,sheiswrongaboutme.Iwasntthere."

  "Maybeitwassomeonewholookedlikeyou?"Hethrewhisweightintoit,aofthewallcrasheddown,leavingonlytheskeletonstarkagainstthesky.

  "Thatsapossibility,"Isaid."Iremindedherofsomeoneshesawonceuponatime.Didntyoutellherthateveryonehasadoubleintheworld?

  Maybeshesawmyeviltwin?"

  Heeyeballedtheframe."Thislltumbledownwithafewgoodkicks."Heknockeddowntheframe,loadeditupinthebackofatruddroveaway.

  Thesedoccasionoccurredaboutayearlater.Hisvoieatfirstlight,andIfollowedthesoundfrommybedroomandthroughthebackdoorway.Afeatherymistrosefromthelawnaood,hisbae,inthemiddleofthewetgrass,callingoutmynameashefacedastandoffirs.Adarktrailoffootstepsledintothewoodsteinfrontofhim.Hewasstucktothespot,asifhehadstartledawildanimalthatfledawayinfear.ButIsawure.BythetimeIdrewhediminuendoofafeycallsof"Henry"liheair.Theohisknees,benthisheadtotheground,andquietlywept.Icreptbatothehouse,aeobereadingthesportspagewhenhecamein.Myfatherstaredatmehunchedovertheneer,mylongfingersedaroundacoffeecup.Thewetbeltofhisredalongthefloorlikea.Soaked,disheveled,andunshaven,heseemedmucholder,butmaybeIhadnotnoticedbeforehowhewasaging.Hishandstrembledasifpalsied,aookaCamelfromhispocket.Thecigarettewastoowettolightdespitehisrepeatedattempts,sohecrumpledthewholepadtosseditirash.Isetacupofcoffeeinfrontofhim,aaredatthesteamasifIhadhandedhimpoison.

  "Dad,areyouallright?Youlookamess."

  "You."Hepointedhisfimelikeagun,butthatsallhesaid.Thewordhungintheairallm,andIdonotthinkIeverheardhimcallme"Henry"again.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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