PART Ⅱ-10
Iwaslivinginab-houseinEaling.Theyearswererollingon,orcrawlingon.LowerBinfieldhadpassedalmostoutofmymemory.Iwastheusualyoungcityworkerwhoscootsforthe8.15andintriguesfortheotherfellow’sjob.Iwasfairlywellthoughtofinthefirmaysatisfiedwithlife.Thepost-warsuccessdopehadcaughtme,moreorless.Yourememberthelialk.Pep,punch,grit,saetout.There’splentyofroomatthetop.You’tkeepagoodmandown.Andtheadsinthemagazinesaboutthechapthatthebossclappedontheshoulder,andthekeen-jawedexecutivewho’spullingdownthebigdoughandattributeshissuccesstosoandso’scorrespondencecourse.It’sfunnyhowweallswallowedit,evenblokeslikemetowhomithadn’tthesmallestapplication.BecauseI’mherago-getternoradown-and-out,andI’mbynatureincapableofbeiher.Butitwasthespiritofthetime.Geton!Makegood!Ifyouseeamandown,jumponhisgutsbefetsupagain.Ofcoursethiswasintheearlytwenties,wheheeffectsofthewarhadwornoffandtheslumphadarrivedtoknockthestuffingoutofus.
Ihadan‘A’subscriptionatBootsaohalf-dandbelooalocaltennisclub.Youknowthosetennisclubsieelsuburbs—littlewoodenpavilionsandhighwire-ingenclosureswhereyoungchapsinratherbadlycutwhiteflannelspranceupanddown,shouting‘Fifteenforty!’and‘Vantageall!’invoiceswhichareatolerableimitationoftheUpperCrust.I’dlearoplaytennis,didn’tdaoobadly,andgotonwellwiththegirls.AtnearlythirtyIwasn’tabad-lookingchap,withmyredfadbutter-colouredhair,andinthosedaysitwasstillapointinyourfavourtohavefoughtinthewar.Ihenoratanyothertime,succeededinlookinglikeagentleman,butoherhandyouprobablywouldn’thavetakehesonofasmallshopkeeperinatrytown.IcouldkeepmyendupihermixedsocietyofaplacelikeEaling,wheretheoffice-employeeclassoverlapswiththemiddling-professionalclass.ItwasatthetennisclubthatIfirstmetHilda.
AtthattimeHildawastwenty-four.Shewasasmall,slim,rathertimidgirl,withdarkhair,beautifulmovements,and—becauseofhavingverylargeeyes—adistinctresemblaoahare.Shewasohosepeoplewhoneversaymuch,butremainontheedgeofanyversationthat’sgoingon,andgivetheimpressionthatthey’relistening.Ifshesaidanythingatall,itwasusually‘Oh,yes,Ithinksotoo’,agreeingwithwhoeverhadspokenlast.Attennisshehoppedaboutverygracefully,anddidn’tplaybadly,butsomeholess,childishair.HersurnamewasVi.
Ifyou’remarried,there’llhavebeentimeswhenyou’vesaidtoyourself‘WhythehelldidIdoit?’andGodknowsI’vesaiditoftenenoughaboutHilda.Andonceagain,lookingatitacrossfifteenyears,whyDIDImarryHilda?
Partly,ofcourse,becauseshewasyoungandinawayverypretty.BeyondthatIlysaythatbecauseshecameoftotallydifferentinsfrommyselfitwasverydifficultformetogetanygraspofwhatshewasreallylike.Ihadtomarryherfirstandfindoutaboutherafterwards,whereasifI’dmarriedsay,ElsieWaters,I’dhaveknownwhatIwasmarrying.HildabelooaclassIonlyknewbyhearsay,thepoverty-striofficerclass.Feionspastherfamilyhadbeensoldiers,sailors,clergymen,Anglo-Indianofficials,andthatkindofthing.They’dneverhadanymoney,butoherhandhemhadeverdohingthatIshnizeaswork.Saywhatyouwill,there’sakindofsnob-appealinthat,ifyoubelongasIdototheGod-fearingshopkeeperclass,thelowchurdhigh-teaclass.Itwouldn’tmakeanyimpressiononmenow,butitdidthen.Don’tmistakewhatI’msaying.IdohatImarriedHildaBECAUSEshebeloheclassI’donceservedacrosstheter,withsomenotionofjockeyingmyselfupinthesocialscale.ItwasmerelythatIcouldn’tuandherandthereforeableofbeinggoofyabouther.Ahiainlydidn’tgraspwasthatthegirlsinthesepennilessmiddle-classfamilieswillmarryanythingintrousers,justtogetawayfromhome.
Itwasn’tlongbeforeHildatookmehometoseeherfamily.Ihadn’tknowntillthenthattherewasasiderableAnglo-IndianyinEaling.Talkaboutdiscanewworld!Itwasquitearevelationtome.
DoyouknowtheseAnglo-Indianfamilies?It’salmostimpossible,whenyougetihesepeople’shouses,torememberthatoutireetit’sEnglandawehtury.Assoonasyousetfootihefrontdooryou’reinIndiaiies.Youknowthekindofatmosphere.Thecarvedteakfurniture,thebrasstrays,thedustytiger-skullsonthewall,theTriopolycigars,thered-hotpickles,theyellowphotographsofchapsinsus,theHindustaniwordsthatyou’reexpectedtoknowthemeaningof,theeverlastiesabouttiger-shootsandwhatSmithsaidtoJonesinPoonain‘87.It’sasortoflittleworldoftheirownthatthey’vecreated,likeakindofcyst.Tome,ofcourse,itwasallquitenewandinsomewaysratheriing.OldVi,Hilda’sfather,hadbeennotonlyinIndiabutalsoinsomeevelandishplace,BorneoorSarawak,Ifetwhich.Hewastheusualtype,pletelybald,almostinvisiblebehindhismoustache,andfullofstoriesaboutcobrasandcummerbundsandwhatthedistrictcollectorsaidin‘93.Hilda’smotherwassocolourlessthatshewasjustlikeohefadedphotosonthewall.Therewasalsoason,Harold,whohadsomeofficialjobinCeylonandwashomeonleaveatthetimewhenIfirstmetHilda.Theyhadalittledarkhouseihoseburiedback-streetsthatexistinEaling.ItsmeltperpetuallyofTriopolycigarsanditwassofullofspears,blow-pipes,brassors,andtheheadsofwildanimalsthatyoucouldhardlymoveaboutinit.
OldVihadretiredin1910,andsihenheandhiswifehadshownaboutasmuchactivity,mentalorphysical,asacoupleofshellfish.ButatthetimeIwasvaguelyimpressedbyafamilywhichhadhadmajors,els,andonceevenanadmiralinit.MyattitudetowardstheVis,aowardsme,isaingillustrationofwhatfoolspeoplebewheoutsidetheirowmeamongbusinesspeople—whetherthey’repanydirectorsorercialtravellers—andI’mafairlygoodjudgeofcharacter.ButIhadnoexperieeveroftheofficer-rentier-clergymanclass,andIwasinedtokow-towtothesedecayedthrow-outs.Ilookedonthemasmysocialandintellectualsuperiors,whiletheyoherhandmistookmeforarisingyoungbusinessmanwhobeforelongwouldbepullingdownthebigdough.Topeopleofthatkind,‘business’,whetherit’smarineinsuranceorsellis,isjustadarkmystery.Alltheyknowisthatit’ssomethingrathervulgaroutofwhichyoumakemoney.OldViusedtotalkimpressivelyaboutmybeing‘inbusiness’—once,Iremember,hehadaslipofthetongueandsaid‘intrade’—andobviouslydidn’tgraspthediffereweenbeinginbusinessasanemployeeahereonyourownat.HehadsomevaguenotionthatasIwas‘in’theFlyingSalamanderIshouldsoonerorlaterrisetothetopofit,byaprocessofpromotion.Ithinkit’spossiblethathealsohadpicturesofhimselftougmeforfiversatsomefuturedate.Haroldcertainlyhad.Icouldseeitinhiseye.Infact,evenwithmyinebeingwhatitis,I’dprobablybelendingmooHaroldatthismomentifhewerealive.Luckilyhediedafewyearsafterweweremarried,ofenteriething,andboththeoldVisaredeadtoo.
Well,HildaandIweremarried,andrightfromthestartit.Whydidyoumarryher?yousay.Butwhydidyoumarryyours?Thesethingshappentous.Iwonderwhetheryou’llbelievethatduringthefirsttwoorthreeyearsIhadseriousthoughtsofkillingHilda.Ofcourseinpractieneverdoesthesethings,they’reonlyakindoffantasythatoneenjoysthinkingabout.Besides,chapswhomurdertheirwivesalwaysgetcopped.Howevercleverlyyou’vefakedthealibi,theyknowperfectlywellthatit’syouwhodidit,andthey’llpinitontoyousomehow.Whenawoman’sbumpedoff,herhusbandisalwaysthefirstsuspect—whichgivesyoualittleside-glimpseofeoplereallythinkaboutmarriage.
OsusedtoeverythingierayearortwoIstoppedwantingtokillherandstartedwabouther.Justw.Forhours,sometimes,onSundayafternoonsorintheeveningwhenI’veehomefromwork,I’velainohallmyclothesomyshoes,waboutwomen.Whythey’relikethat,howtheygetlikethat,whetherthey’redoingitonpurpose.Itseemstobeamhtfulthing,thesuddennesswithwhiewomengotopiecesafterthey’remarried.It’sasiftheywerestrunguptodojustthatohing,aantthey’vedoheywitherofflikeaflowerthat’ssetitsseed.Whatreallygetsmedownisthedrearyattitudetowardslifethatitimplies.Ifmarriagewasjustanopenswihewomantrappedyouintoitaurnedroundandsaid,‘Now,youbastard,I’vecaughtyouandyoingtoworkformewhileIhaveagoodtime!’—Iwouldn’tmindsomuch.Butnotabitofit.Theydon’twanttohaveagoodtime,theymerelywanttoslumpintomiddleageasquicklyaspossible.Afterthefrightfulbattleofgettinghermantothealtar,thewomankindofrelaxes,andallheryouth,looks,energy,andjoyoflifejustvanishht.ItwaslikethatwithHilda.Herewasthispretty,delicategirl,who’dseemedtome—andinfactwhenIfirstknewhersheWAS—afiypeofanimalthanmyself,andwithinonlyaboutthreeyearsshe’dsettleddownintoadepressed,lifeless,middle-agedfrump.I’mnotdenyingthatIartofthereason.Butwhoevershe’dmarrieditwouldhavebeenmuchthesame.
WhatHildalacks—Idiscoveredthisaboutaweekafterweweremarried—isanykindofjoyinlife,anykindofiinthingsfortheirowheideaofdoingthingsbecauseyouenjoythemissomethingshehardlyuand.ItwasthroughHildathatIfirstgotanotionofwhatthesedecayedmiddle-classfamiliesarereallylike.Theessentialfactaboutthemisthatalltheirvitalityhasbeendrainedawaybylaoney.Infamilieslikethat,whichliveontinypensionsandannuities—that’stosayonineswhievergetbiggerandgenerallygetsmaller—there’smoresenseofpoverty,morecrust-wiping,andlookingtwiceatsixpehanyou’dfindinanyfarm-labourer’sfamily,letaloneafamilylikemine.Hilda’softentoldmethatalmostthefirstthingsherememberisaghastlyfeelingthattherewasneverenoughmoneyforanything.Ofcourse,inthatkindoffamily,thelaoneyisalwaysatitsworstwhenthekidsareattheschool-age.sequentlytheygrowup,especiallythegirls,withafixedideanotonlythatonealwaysIShard-upbutthatit’sone’sdutytobemiserableaboutit.
Atthebeginningwelivedinapokylittlemaisoeandhadajobtogetbyonmywages.Later,whenIwastransferredtotheWestBletchleybranch,thingswerebetter,butHilda’sattitudedidn’tge.Alwaysthatghastlygloomingaboutmohemilkbill!Thecoalbill!Therent!Theschoolfees!We’velivedallourlifetogethertothetuneof‘weekwe’llbeintheworkhouse.’It’snotthatHilda’smean,intheordinaryseheword,andstilllessthatshe’sselfish.EveherehappenstobeabitofsparecashknogaboutIhardlypersuadehertobuyherselfaclothes.Butshe’sgotthisfeelingthatyouOUGHTtobeperpetuallywyourselfupintoastewaboutlaoney.Justwupanatmosphereofmiseryfromasenseofduty.I’mnotlikethat.I’vegotmoretheprole’sattitudetowardsmoney.Life’sheretobelived,andifwe’regoingtobeinthesoupweek—well,weekisalongwayoff.WhatreallyshocksheristhefactthatIrefusetoworry.She’salwaysgoingformeaboutit.‘But,Gee!YoudooREALIZE!We’vesimplygotnomoall!It’sverySERIOUS!’Shelovesgettingintoapanicbecausesomethingorotheris‘serious’.Andoflateshe’sgotthattrick,whenshe’sgloomingaboutsomething,ofkindofhunghershouldersandfoldingherarmsacrossherbreast.IfyoumadealistofHilda’sremarksthroughouttheday,you’dfindthreebracketedtogetheratthetop—‘We’taffordit’,‘It’sagreatsaving’,and‘Idon’tknowwherethemooefrom’.Shedoeseverythingfativereasons.Whenshemakesacakeshe’snotthinkingaboutthecake,onlyabouthowtosavebutterandeggs.WhenI’mihherallshethinksaboutishownottohaveababy.Ifshegoestothepicturesshe’sallthetimewrithingwithindignationaboutthepriceoftheseats.Hermethodsofhousekeeping,withalltheemphasison‘usingthingsup’and‘makingthingsdo’,wouldhavegivenMothervulsions.Oherhand,Hildaisn’tintheleastasnob.She’sneverlookeddownonmebecauseI’mnotagentleman.Orary,fromherpointofviewI’mmuchtoolordlyinmyhabits.Weneverhaveamealinatea-shopwithoutafrightfulrowinwhispersbecauseI’mtippiresstoomudit’sacuriousthingthatifewyearsshe’sbeuchmoredefinitelylower-middle-class,inoutlookandeveninappearahanIam.Ofcourseallthis‘saving’businesshasneverledtoanything.Itneverdoes.WelivejustaboutaswellorasbadlyastheotherpeopleinEllesmereRoad.Buttheeverlastingstewaboutthegasbillandthemilkbillandtheawfulpriceofbutterandthekids’bootsandschool-feesgoesonandon.It’sakindofgamewithHilda.
WemovedtoWestBletchleyin‘29andstartedbuyingthehouseinEllesmereRoadtheyear,alittlebeforeBillywasborn.AfterIwasmadeanIorIwasmoreawayfromhomeandhadmoreopportuhotherwomen.OfcourseIwasunfaithful—Iwon’tsayallthetime,butasoftenasIgotthece.Curiouslyenough,Hildawasjealous.Inaway,sideringhowlittlethatkindofthioher,Iwouldn’thaveexpectedhertomind.Andlikealljealouswomenshe’llsometimesshowaingyouwouldn’tthinkhercapableof.Sometimesthewayshe’scaughtmeoutwouldhavemademebelieveihy,ifitwasn’tthatshe’softenbeenequallysuspiciouswhenIdidn’thappentobeguilty.I’mmoreorlesspermalyundersuspi,though,Godknows,ifewyears—thelastfiveyears,anyway—I’vebeenienough.Youhavetobe,whenyou’reasfatasIam.
Takingitbyandlarge,IsupposeHildaandIdoonworsethanabouthalfthecouplesinEllesmereRoad.There’vebeentimeswhehoughtofseparationordivorce,butinourwalkoflifeyoudon’tdothosethings.You’taffordto.Aimegoeson,andyoukindofgiveupstruggling.Whenyou’velivedwithawomanforfifteenyears,it’sdifficulttoimaginelifewithouther.She’spartoftheorderofthings.Idaresayyoumightfindthingstoobjecttointhesunandthemoon,butdoyoureallywanttogethem?Besides,therewerethekids.Kidsarea‘link’,astheysay.Ora‘tie’.Nottosayaballaer.
OflateyearsHildahasmadetwogreatfriendscalledMrsWheelerandMissMinns.MrsWheelerisawidow,andIgathershe’sgotverybitterideasaboutthemalesex.IfeelherkindofquiveringwithdisapprovalifIsomuchaseintotheroom.She’safadedlittlewomanandgivesyouapressionthatshe’sthesamecolourallover,akindofgreyishdust-colour,butshe’sfullofenergy.She’sabadinfluenHilda,becauseshe’sgotthesamepassionfor‘saving’and‘makingthingsdo’,thoughinaslightlydifferentform.Withherittakestheformofthinkingthatyouhaveagoodtimewithoutpayingforit.She’sforevernosingoutbargainsandamusementsthatdon’toney.Withpeoplelikethatitdoesn’tmatteradamhertheywantathingornot,it’smerelyaquestionofwhethertheygetitonthecheap.WhenthebigshopshavetheirremnantsalesMrsWheeler’salwaysattheheadofthequeue,andit’shergreatestpride,afteraday’shardfightingroundtheter,toeoutwithouthavingboughtanything.MissMinnsisquiteadifferentsort.She’sreallyasadcase,poorMissMinns.She’satallthinwomanofaboutthirty-eight,withblackpateherhairandaveryGOOD,trustingkindofface.Shelivesonsomekindoftinyfixedine,anannuityorsomething,andIfancyshe’saleft-overfromtheoldsocietyofWestBletchley,whenitwasalittletrytown,beforethesuburbgrewup.It’swrittenalloverherthatherfatherwasaclergymanandsatonherprettyheavilywhilehelived.They’reaspecialby-productofthemiddleclasses,thesewomenwhoturnintowitheredbagsbeforetheyevenmaoescapefromhome.PooroldMissMinns,forallherwriilllooksexactlylikeachild.It’sstillatremendousadveohernottogotochurch.She’salwaysburblingabout‘modernprogress’and‘thewoman’smovement’,andshe’sgotavagueyearningtodosomethingshecalls‘developinghermind’,onlyshedoesn’tquiteknowhowtostart.IthinkinthebeginniooHildaandMrsWheeleroutofpureloneliness,butnowtheytakeherwiththemwherevertheygo.
Aimesthey’vehadtogether,thosethree!SometimesI’vealmostehem.MrsWheeleristheleadingspirit.Youcouldn’tnameakindofidiocythatshehasn’tdraggedthemintoatoimeoranother.Anythingfromtheosophytocat’s-cradle,providedyoudoitonthecheap.Formonthstheywentinforthefood-kbusiness.MrsWheelerhadpickedupased-handebookcalledRadiantEnergywhichprovedthatyoushouldliveoudotherthingsthatdon’toney.OfcoursethisappealedtoHilda,whoimmediatelybeganstarvingherself.She’dhavetrieditohekidsaswell,onlyIputmyfootdowheyhadagoatfaith-healing.ThehoughtoftagPelmanism,butafteralotofcorrespoheyfoundthattheycouldhebookletsfree,whichhadbeenMrsWheeler’sidea.Thenitwashay-boxcookery.Thenitwassomefilthystuffcalledbeewine,whichposedtoothingatallbecauseyoumadeitoutofwater.Theydroppedthatafterthey’dreadanartithepapersayingthatbeewinegivesyoucer.Thentheynearlyjoinedohosewomen’sclubswhichgoforductedtoursroundfactories,butafteralotofarithmeticMrsWheelerdecidedthatthefreeteasthefactaveyoudidn’tquiteequalthesubscription.ThenMrsWheelerscrapedacquaintahsomebodywhogaveawayfreeticketsforplaysproducedbysomestagesocietyorother.I’veknowhreeofthemsitforhourslisteningtosomehighbrowplayofwhichtheydidn’teveendtouandaword—couldellyoutheheplayafterwards—buttheyfeltthattheyweregettingsomethingfornothing.Oheyeventookupspiritualism.MrsWheelerhadrunacrosssomedown-and-outmediumwhowassodesperatethathe’dgiveseancesfhteenpehatthethreeofthemcouldhaveaglimpsebeyondtheveilforataime.Isawhimoncewhenhecametogiveaseaourhouse.Hewasaseedy-lookingolddevilandobviouslyinmortalterrorofD.T.s.Hewassoshakythatwheakinghisovercoatoffinthehallhehadasortofspasmandahankofbutter-muslindroppedoutofhistr.Imaoshoveitbabeforethewomensaw.Butter-musliniswhattheymaketheectoplasmwith,soI’mtold.Isupposehewasgoingontoanotherseaerwards.Youdomaionsfhteenpence.MrsWheeler’sbiggestfindofthelastfewyearsistheLeftBookClub.Ithinkitwasin‘36thatthenewsoftheLeftBookClubgottoWestBletchley.Ijoisoonafterwards,andit’salmosttheonlytimeIrememberspendingmohoutHildaprotesting.Sheseesomesenseinbuyingabookwhenyettingitforathirdofitsproperprice.Thesewomen’sattitudeiscurious,really.MissMiainlyhadatryatreadiwoofthebooks,butthiswouldn’tevenhaveoccurredtotheothertwo.They’veneverhadanydirenexionwiththeLeftBookCluboranynotionwhatit’sallabout—infactIbelieveatthebeginningMrsWheelerthoughtithadsomethingtodowithbookswhichhadbeeinrailwaycarriagesandwerebeingsoldoffcheap.Buttheydoknowthatitmeanssevenandsixpennybooksforhalfa,andsothey’realwayssayingthatit’s‘suchagoodidea’.NowandagainthelocalLeftBookClubbraneetingsaspeopledowntospeak,andMrsWheeleralwaystakestheothersalong.She’sagreatoneforpublicmeetingsofanykind,alrovidedthatit’sindoorsandadmissiohethreeofthemsittherelikelumpsofpudding.Theydon’tknowwhatthemeeting’saboutandtheydon’tcare,butthey’vegotavaguefeeling,especiallyMissMinns,thatthey’reimprovingtheirminds,anditisn’tcostingthemanything.
Well,that’sHilda.Youseewhatshe’slike.Takeitbyandlarge,Isupposeshe’snoworsethanIam.SometimeserefirstmarriedIfeltI’dliketleher,butlaterIgotsothatIdidn’tcare.AndthenIgotfataleddown.Itmusthavebeenin1930thatIgotfat.Ithappenedsosuddenlythatitwasasifaonballhadhitmeandgotstuside.Youknowhowitis.Onenightyougotobed,stillfeelingmoreorlessyoung,withahegirlsandsoforth,amyouinthefullscioushatyou’rejustapooroldfattywithnothingaheadofyouthissidethegraveexceptsweatingyutsouttobuybootsforthekids.
Andnowit’s‘38,andineveryshipyardintheworldthey’rerivetingupthebattleshipsforanotherwar,andanameIcedtoseeonaposterhadstirredupinmeawholelotofstuffwhichoughttohavebeenburiedGodknowshowmanyyearsago.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
Ihadan‘A’subscriptionatBootsaohalf-dandbelooalocaltennisclub.Youknowthosetennisclubsieelsuburbs—littlewoodenpavilionsandhighwire-ingenclosureswhereyoungchapsinratherbadlycutwhiteflannelspranceupanddown,shouting‘Fifteenforty!’and‘Vantageall!’invoiceswhichareatolerableimitationoftheUpperCrust.I’dlearoplaytennis,didn’tdaoobadly,andgotonwellwiththegirls.AtnearlythirtyIwasn’tabad-lookingchap,withmyredfadbutter-colouredhair,andinthosedaysitwasstillapointinyourfavourtohavefoughtinthewar.Ihenoratanyothertime,succeededinlookinglikeagentleman,butoherhandyouprobablywouldn’thavetakehesonofasmallshopkeeperinatrytown.IcouldkeepmyendupihermixedsocietyofaplacelikeEaling,wheretheoffice-employeeclassoverlapswiththemiddling-professionalclass.ItwasatthetennisclubthatIfirstmetHilda.
AtthattimeHildawastwenty-four.Shewasasmall,slim,rathertimidgirl,withdarkhair,beautifulmovements,and—becauseofhavingverylargeeyes—adistinctresemblaoahare.Shewasohosepeoplewhoneversaymuch,butremainontheedgeofanyversationthat’sgoingon,andgivetheimpressionthatthey’relistening.Ifshesaidanythingatall,itwasusually‘Oh,yes,Ithinksotoo’,agreeingwithwhoeverhadspokenlast.Attennisshehoppedaboutverygracefully,anddidn’tplaybadly,butsomeholess,childishair.HersurnamewasVi.
Ifyou’remarried,there’llhavebeentimeswhenyou’vesaidtoyourself‘WhythehelldidIdoit?’andGodknowsI’vesaiditoftenenoughaboutHilda.Andonceagain,lookingatitacrossfifteenyears,whyDIDImarryHilda?
Partly,ofcourse,becauseshewasyoungandinawayverypretty.BeyondthatIlysaythatbecauseshecameoftotallydifferentinsfrommyselfitwasverydifficultformetogetanygraspofwhatshewasreallylike.Ihadtomarryherfirstandfindoutaboutherafterwards,whereasifI’dmarriedsay,ElsieWaters,I’dhaveknownwhatIwasmarrying.HildabelooaclassIonlyknewbyhearsay,thepoverty-striofficerclass.Feionspastherfamilyhadbeensoldiers,sailors,clergymen,Anglo-Indianofficials,andthatkindofthing.They’dneverhadanymoney,butoherhandhemhadeverdohingthatIshnizeaswork.Saywhatyouwill,there’sakindofsnob-appealinthat,ifyoubelongasIdototheGod-fearingshopkeeperclass,thelowchurdhigh-teaclass.Itwouldn’tmakeanyimpressiononmenow,butitdidthen.Don’tmistakewhatI’msaying.IdohatImarriedHildaBECAUSEshebeloheclassI’donceservedacrosstheter,withsomenotionofjockeyingmyselfupinthesocialscale.ItwasmerelythatIcouldn’tuandherandthereforeableofbeinggoofyabouther.Ahiainlydidn’tgraspwasthatthegirlsinthesepennilessmiddle-classfamilieswillmarryanythingintrousers,justtogetawayfromhome.
Itwasn’tlongbeforeHildatookmehometoseeherfamily.Ihadn’tknowntillthenthattherewasasiderableAnglo-IndianyinEaling.Talkaboutdiscanewworld!Itwasquitearevelationtome.
DoyouknowtheseAnglo-Indianfamilies?It’salmostimpossible,whenyougetihesepeople’shouses,torememberthatoutireetit’sEnglandawehtury.Assoonasyousetfootihefrontdooryou’reinIndiaiies.Youknowthekindofatmosphere.Thecarvedteakfurniture,thebrasstrays,thedustytiger-skullsonthewall,theTriopolycigars,thered-hotpickles,theyellowphotographsofchapsinsus,theHindustaniwordsthatyou’reexpectedtoknowthemeaningof,theeverlastiesabouttiger-shootsandwhatSmithsaidtoJonesinPoonain‘87.It’sasortoflittleworldoftheirownthatthey’vecreated,likeakindofcyst.Tome,ofcourse,itwasallquitenewandinsomewaysratheriing.OldVi,Hilda’sfather,hadbeennotonlyinIndiabutalsoinsomeevelandishplace,BorneoorSarawak,Ifetwhich.Hewastheusualtype,pletelybald,almostinvisiblebehindhismoustache,andfullofstoriesaboutcobrasandcummerbundsandwhatthedistrictcollectorsaidin‘93.Hilda’smotherwassocolourlessthatshewasjustlikeohefadedphotosonthewall.Therewasalsoason,Harold,whohadsomeofficialjobinCeylonandwashomeonleaveatthetimewhenIfirstmetHilda.Theyhadalittledarkhouseihoseburiedback-streetsthatexistinEaling.ItsmeltperpetuallyofTriopolycigarsanditwassofullofspears,blow-pipes,brassors,andtheheadsofwildanimalsthatyoucouldhardlymoveaboutinit.
OldVihadretiredin1910,andsihenheandhiswifehadshownaboutasmuchactivity,mentalorphysical,asacoupleofshellfish.ButatthetimeIwasvaguelyimpressedbyafamilywhichhadhadmajors,els,andonceevenanadmiralinit.MyattitudetowardstheVis,aowardsme,isaingillustrationofwhatfoolspeoplebewheoutsidetheirowmeamongbusinesspeople—whetherthey’repanydirectorsorercialtravellers—andI’mafairlygoodjudgeofcharacter.ButIhadnoexperieeveroftheofficer-rentier-clergymanclass,andIwasinedtokow-towtothesedecayedthrow-outs.Ilookedonthemasmysocialandintellectualsuperiors,whiletheyoherhandmistookmeforarisingyoungbusinessmanwhobeforelongwouldbepullingdownthebigdough.Topeopleofthatkind,‘business’,whetherit’smarineinsuranceorsellis,isjustadarkmystery.Alltheyknowisthatit’ssomethingrathervulgaroutofwhichyoumakemoney.OldViusedtotalkimpressivelyaboutmybeing‘inbusiness’—once,Iremember,hehadaslipofthetongueandsaid‘intrade’—andobviouslydidn’tgraspthediffereweenbeinginbusinessasanemployeeahereonyourownat.HehadsomevaguenotionthatasIwas‘in’theFlyingSalamanderIshouldsoonerorlaterrisetothetopofit,byaprocessofpromotion.Ithinkit’spossiblethathealsohadpicturesofhimselftougmeforfiversatsomefuturedate.Haroldcertainlyhad.Icouldseeitinhiseye.Infact,evenwithmyinebeingwhatitis,I’dprobablybelendingmooHaroldatthismomentifhewerealive.Luckilyhediedafewyearsafterweweremarried,ofenteriething,andboththeoldVisaredeadtoo.
Well,HildaandIweremarried,andrightfromthestartit.Whydidyoumarryher?yousay.Butwhydidyoumarryyours?Thesethingshappentous.Iwonderwhetheryou’llbelievethatduringthefirsttwoorthreeyearsIhadseriousthoughtsofkillingHilda.Ofcourseinpractieneverdoesthesethings,they’reonlyakindoffantasythatoneenjoysthinkingabout.Besides,chapswhomurdertheirwivesalwaysgetcopped.Howevercleverlyyou’vefakedthealibi,theyknowperfectlywellthatit’syouwhodidit,andthey’llpinitontoyousomehow.Whenawoman’sbumpedoff,herhusbandisalwaysthefirstsuspect—whichgivesyoualittleside-glimpseofeoplereallythinkaboutmarriage.
OsusedtoeverythingierayearortwoIstoppedwantingtokillherandstartedwabouther.Justw.Forhours,sometimes,onSundayafternoonsorintheeveningwhenI’veehomefromwork,I’velainohallmyclothesomyshoes,waboutwomen.Whythey’relikethat,howtheygetlikethat,whetherthey’redoingitonpurpose.Itseemstobeamhtfulthing,thesuddennesswithwhiewomengotopiecesafterthey’remarried.It’sasiftheywerestrunguptodojustthatohing,aantthey’vedoheywitherofflikeaflowerthat’ssetitsseed.Whatreallygetsmedownisthedrearyattitudetowardslifethatitimplies.Ifmarriagewasjustanopenswihewomantrappedyouintoitaurnedroundandsaid,‘Now,youbastard,I’vecaughtyouandyoingtoworkformewhileIhaveagoodtime!’—Iwouldn’tmindsomuch.Butnotabitofit.Theydon’twanttohaveagoodtime,theymerelywanttoslumpintomiddleageasquicklyaspossible.Afterthefrightfulbattleofgettinghermantothealtar,thewomankindofrelaxes,andallheryouth,looks,energy,andjoyoflifejustvanishht.ItwaslikethatwithHilda.Herewasthispretty,delicategirl,who’dseemedtome—andinfactwhenIfirstknewhersheWAS—afiypeofanimalthanmyself,andwithinonlyaboutthreeyearsshe’dsettleddownintoadepressed,lifeless,middle-agedfrump.I’mnotdenyingthatIartofthereason.Butwhoevershe’dmarrieditwouldhavebeenmuchthesame.
WhatHildalacks—Idiscoveredthisaboutaweekafterweweremarried—isanykindofjoyinlife,anykindofiinthingsfortheirowheideaofdoingthingsbecauseyouenjoythemissomethingshehardlyuand.ItwasthroughHildathatIfirstgotanotionofwhatthesedecayedmiddle-classfamiliesarereallylike.Theessentialfactaboutthemisthatalltheirvitalityhasbeendrainedawaybylaoney.Infamilieslikethat,whichliveontinypensionsandannuities—that’stosayonineswhievergetbiggerandgenerallygetsmaller—there’smoresenseofpoverty,morecrust-wiping,andlookingtwiceatsixpehanyou’dfindinanyfarm-labourer’sfamily,letaloneafamilylikemine.Hilda’softentoldmethatalmostthefirstthingsherememberisaghastlyfeelingthattherewasneverenoughmoneyforanything.Ofcourse,inthatkindoffamily,thelaoneyisalwaysatitsworstwhenthekidsareattheschool-age.sequentlytheygrowup,especiallythegirls,withafixedideanotonlythatonealwaysIShard-upbutthatit’sone’sdutytobemiserableaboutit.
Atthebeginningwelivedinapokylittlemaisoeandhadajobtogetbyonmywages.Later,whenIwastransferredtotheWestBletchleybranch,thingswerebetter,butHilda’sattitudedidn’tge.Alwaysthatghastlygloomingaboutmohemilkbill!Thecoalbill!Therent!Theschoolfees!We’velivedallourlifetogethertothetuneof‘weekwe’llbeintheworkhouse.’It’snotthatHilda’smean,intheordinaryseheword,andstilllessthatshe’sselfish.EveherehappenstobeabitofsparecashknogaboutIhardlypersuadehertobuyherselfaclothes.Butshe’sgotthisfeelingthatyouOUGHTtobeperpetuallywyourselfupintoastewaboutlaoney.Justwupanatmosphereofmiseryfromasenseofduty.I’mnotlikethat.I’vegotmoretheprole’sattitudetowardsmoney.Life’sheretobelived,andifwe’regoingtobeinthesoupweek—well,weekisalongwayoff.WhatreallyshocksheristhefactthatIrefusetoworry.She’salwaysgoingformeaboutit.‘But,Gee!YoudooREALIZE!We’vesimplygotnomoall!It’sverySERIOUS!’Shelovesgettingintoapanicbecausesomethingorotheris‘serious’.Andoflateshe’sgotthattrick,whenshe’sgloomingaboutsomething,ofkindofhunghershouldersandfoldingherarmsacrossherbreast.IfyoumadealistofHilda’sremarksthroughouttheday,you’dfindthreebracketedtogetheratthetop—‘We’taffordit’,‘It’sagreatsaving’,and‘Idon’tknowwherethemooefrom’.Shedoeseverythingfativereasons.Whenshemakesacakeshe’snotthinkingaboutthecake,onlyabouthowtosavebutterandeggs.WhenI’mihherallshethinksaboutishownottohaveababy.Ifshegoestothepicturesshe’sallthetimewrithingwithindignationaboutthepriceoftheseats.Hermethodsofhousekeeping,withalltheemphasison‘usingthingsup’and‘makingthingsdo’,wouldhavegivenMothervulsions.Oherhand,Hildaisn’tintheleastasnob.She’sneverlookeddownonmebecauseI’mnotagentleman.Orary,fromherpointofviewI’mmuchtoolordlyinmyhabits.Weneverhaveamealinatea-shopwithoutafrightfulrowinwhispersbecauseI’mtippiresstoomudit’sacuriousthingthatifewyearsshe’sbeuchmoredefinitelylower-middle-class,inoutlookandeveninappearahanIam.Ofcourseallthis‘saving’businesshasneverledtoanything.Itneverdoes.WelivejustaboutaswellorasbadlyastheotherpeopleinEllesmereRoad.Buttheeverlastingstewaboutthegasbillandthemilkbillandtheawfulpriceofbutterandthekids’bootsandschool-feesgoesonandon.It’sakindofgamewithHilda.
WemovedtoWestBletchleyin‘29andstartedbuyingthehouseinEllesmereRoadtheyear,alittlebeforeBillywasborn.AfterIwasmadeanIorIwasmoreawayfromhomeandhadmoreopportuhotherwomen.OfcourseIwasunfaithful—Iwon’tsayallthetime,butasoftenasIgotthece.Curiouslyenough,Hildawasjealous.Inaway,sideringhowlittlethatkindofthioher,Iwouldn’thaveexpectedhertomind.Andlikealljealouswomenshe’llsometimesshowaingyouwouldn’tthinkhercapableof.Sometimesthewayshe’scaughtmeoutwouldhavemademebelieveihy,ifitwasn’tthatshe’softenbeenequallysuspiciouswhenIdidn’thappentobeguilty.I’mmoreorlesspermalyundersuspi,though,Godknows,ifewyears—thelastfiveyears,anyway—I’vebeenienough.Youhavetobe,whenyou’reasfatasIam.
Takingitbyandlarge,IsupposeHildaandIdoonworsethanabouthalfthecouplesinEllesmereRoad.There’vebeentimeswhehoughtofseparationordivorce,butinourwalkoflifeyoudon’tdothosethings.You’taffordto.Aimegoeson,andyoukindofgiveupstruggling.Whenyou’velivedwithawomanforfifteenyears,it’sdifficulttoimaginelifewithouther.She’spartoftheorderofthings.Idaresayyoumightfindthingstoobjecttointhesunandthemoon,butdoyoureallywanttogethem?Besides,therewerethekids.Kidsarea‘link’,astheysay.Ora‘tie’.Nottosayaballaer.
OflateyearsHildahasmadetwogreatfriendscalledMrsWheelerandMissMinns.MrsWheelerisawidow,andIgathershe’sgotverybitterideasaboutthemalesex.IfeelherkindofquiveringwithdisapprovalifIsomuchaseintotheroom.She’safadedlittlewomanandgivesyouapressionthatshe’sthesamecolourallover,akindofgreyishdust-colour,butshe’sfullofenergy.She’sabadinfluenHilda,becauseshe’sgotthesamepassionfor‘saving’and‘makingthingsdo’,thoughinaslightlydifferentform.Withherittakestheformofthinkingthatyouhaveagoodtimewithoutpayingforit.She’sforevernosingoutbargainsandamusementsthatdon’toney.Withpeoplelikethatitdoesn’tmatteradamhertheywantathingornot,it’smerelyaquestionofwhethertheygetitonthecheap.WhenthebigshopshavetheirremnantsalesMrsWheeler’salwaysattheheadofthequeue,andit’shergreatestpride,afteraday’shardfightingroundtheter,toeoutwithouthavingboughtanything.MissMinnsisquiteadifferentsort.She’sreallyasadcase,poorMissMinns.She’satallthinwomanofaboutthirty-eight,withblackpateherhairandaveryGOOD,trustingkindofface.Shelivesonsomekindoftinyfixedine,anannuityorsomething,andIfancyshe’saleft-overfromtheoldsocietyofWestBletchley,whenitwasalittletrytown,beforethesuburbgrewup.It’swrittenalloverherthatherfatherwasaclergymanandsatonherprettyheavilywhilehelived.They’reaspecialby-productofthemiddleclasses,thesewomenwhoturnintowitheredbagsbeforetheyevenmaoescapefromhome.PooroldMissMinns,forallherwriilllooksexactlylikeachild.It’sstillatremendousadveohernottogotochurch.She’salwaysburblingabout‘modernprogress’and‘thewoman’smovement’,andshe’sgotavagueyearningtodosomethingshecalls‘developinghermind’,onlyshedoesn’tquiteknowhowtostart.IthinkinthebeginniooHildaandMrsWheeleroutofpureloneliness,butnowtheytakeherwiththemwherevertheygo.
Aimesthey’vehadtogether,thosethree!SometimesI’vealmostehem.MrsWheeleristheleadingspirit.Youcouldn’tnameakindofidiocythatshehasn’tdraggedthemintoatoimeoranother.Anythingfromtheosophytocat’s-cradle,providedyoudoitonthecheap.Formonthstheywentinforthefood-kbusiness.MrsWheelerhadpickedupased-handebookcalledRadiantEnergywhichprovedthatyoushouldliveoudotherthingsthatdon’toney.OfcoursethisappealedtoHilda,whoimmediatelybeganstarvingherself.She’dhavetrieditohekidsaswell,onlyIputmyfootdowheyhadagoatfaith-healing.ThehoughtoftagPelmanism,butafteralotofcorrespoheyfoundthattheycouldhebookletsfree,whichhadbeenMrsWheeler’sidea.Thenitwashay-boxcookery.Thenitwassomefilthystuffcalledbeewine,whichposedtoothingatallbecauseyoumadeitoutofwater.Theydroppedthatafterthey’dreadanartithepapersayingthatbeewinegivesyoucer.Thentheynearlyjoinedohosewomen’sclubswhichgoforductedtoursroundfactories,butafteralotofarithmeticMrsWheelerdecidedthatthefreeteasthefactaveyoudidn’tquiteequalthesubscription.ThenMrsWheelerscrapedacquaintahsomebodywhogaveawayfreeticketsforplaysproducedbysomestagesocietyorother.I’veknowhreeofthemsitforhourslisteningtosomehighbrowplayofwhichtheydidn’teveendtouandaword—couldellyoutheheplayafterwards—buttheyfeltthattheyweregettingsomethingfornothing.Oheyeventookupspiritualism.MrsWheelerhadrunacrosssomedown-and-outmediumwhowassodesperatethathe’dgiveseancesfhteenpehatthethreeofthemcouldhaveaglimpsebeyondtheveilforataime.Isawhimoncewhenhecametogiveaseaourhouse.Hewasaseedy-lookingolddevilandobviouslyinmortalterrorofD.T.s.Hewassoshakythatwheakinghisovercoatoffinthehallhehadasortofspasmandahankofbutter-muslindroppedoutofhistr.Imaoshoveitbabeforethewomensaw.Butter-musliniswhattheymaketheectoplasmwith,soI’mtold.Isupposehewasgoingontoanotherseaerwards.Youdomaionsfhteenpence.MrsWheeler’sbiggestfindofthelastfewyearsistheLeftBookClub.Ithinkitwasin‘36thatthenewsoftheLeftBookClubgottoWestBletchley.Ijoisoonafterwards,andit’salmosttheonlytimeIrememberspendingmohoutHildaprotesting.Sheseesomesenseinbuyingabookwhenyettingitforathirdofitsproperprice.Thesewomen’sattitudeiscurious,really.MissMiainlyhadatryatreadiwoofthebooks,butthiswouldn’tevenhaveoccurredtotheothertwo.They’veneverhadanydirenexionwiththeLeftBookCluboranynotionwhatit’sallabout—infactIbelieveatthebeginningMrsWheelerthoughtithadsomethingtodowithbookswhichhadbeeinrailwaycarriagesandwerebeingsoldoffcheap.Buttheydoknowthatitmeanssevenandsixpennybooksforhalfa,andsothey’realwayssayingthatit’s‘suchagoodidea’.NowandagainthelocalLeftBookClubbraneetingsaspeopledowntospeak,andMrsWheeleralwaystakestheothersalong.She’sagreatoneforpublicmeetingsofanykind,alrovidedthatit’sindoorsandadmissiohethreeofthemsittherelikelumpsofpudding.Theydon’tknowwhatthemeeting’saboutandtheydon’tcare,butthey’vegotavaguefeeling,especiallyMissMinns,thatthey’reimprovingtheirminds,anditisn’tcostingthemanything.
Well,that’sHilda.Youseewhatshe’slike.Takeitbyandlarge,Isupposeshe’snoworsethanIam.SometimeserefirstmarriedIfeltI’dliketleher,butlaterIgotsothatIdidn’tcare.AndthenIgotfataleddown.Itmusthavebeenin1930thatIgotfat.Ithappenedsosuddenlythatitwasasifaonballhadhitmeandgotstuside.Youknowhowitis.Onenightyougotobed,stillfeelingmoreorlessyoung,withahegirlsandsoforth,amyouinthefullscioushatyou’rejustapooroldfattywithnothingaheadofyouthissidethegraveexceptsweatingyutsouttobuybootsforthekids.
Andnowit’s‘38,andineveryshipyardintheworldthey’rerivetingupthebattleshipsforanotherwar,andanameIcedtoseeonaposterhadstirredupinmeawholelotofstuffwhichoughttohavebeenburiedGodknowshowmanyyearsago.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
推荐自己的新书《天命讨债人》齐天大魔猴
桀骜齐天圣，铮铮大魔猴
第817章 四公子当真与众不同？清穿后每天被迫撩
【欢脱独宠，沙雕撩夫日
新书《谜城》开启神峰
一次偶然， 他踏足修
第270章 酒吧偶遇网游之影子大师
我，在黑夜中行走 我
007儿女成群婚城难入
十八岁的她，一心想用高
第四百一十六章 邀请剑神之剑弑乾坤
《剑神之剑弑乾坤》是一
声明：本站所收录之:Coming up for Air- PART Ⅱ-10、言情小说、玄幻、网游小说、及短篇作品、均为本站作者及网友上传。
并不代表本站立场!本站亦无法严格审:Coming up for Air最新章节其版权归属。如您对Coming up for AirTXT下载持有版权方面的异议，请联系本站客服。我们将于72小时内处理。
Copyright (C) 2019 All Rights Reserved 版权所有：松语文学
并不代表本站立场!本站亦无法严格审:Coming up for Air最新章节其版权归属。如您对Coming up for AirTXT下载持有版权方面的异议，请联系本站客服。我们将于72小时内处理。
Copyright (C) 2019 All Rights Reserved 版权所有：松语文学