Part 2-1
<strong>JESS</strong>
Itdidnttakelongforthepaperstofindout.Acoupleofdays,maybe.Iwasinmyroom,andDadcalledmedownstairsandaskedmewhatIdbeenuptoonNewYearsEve.A,Nothingmudhewehatisntwhattheneersseemtothink.AndIwaslike,Neers?
Andhesaid,Yeah,theresapparentlygoingtobeastoryaboutyouandMartinSharp.DoyouknowMartinSharp?AndIwas,youknow,Yeah,sortof,ohimthatnightataparty,dontknowhimverywell.
AndsoDadgoes,WhatthehellkindofpartyisitwhereyoumeetsomeonelikeMartinSharp?AndIcouldntthinkwhatkindofpartythatwouldbe,soIdidntsayanything.AndthenDadwaslike,Andwasthere…Didanything…Alltenterhooksorwhatever,kindofthing,soIjustdivedin.
DidIfuckhim?NoIdidnot!Thanksabunch!Bloodyhell!MartinSharp!Eeeeudsoonandsoonuntilhegottheidea.
ItwasfugChas,ofcourse,whophoheneers.Hedprobablytriedbefore,thelittleshit,butheneverhadmuchtogoonthewasjustme.TheJessCriartinSharpbo,though…uable.Howmuchdoyouthinkyougetforsomethinglikethat?Acoupleofhundredquid?More?Tobeho,IdhavedoifIwerehim.
Hesalwaysskint.AndImalwaysskint.Ifhedbeenahsellinguptheriver,hedbehalfwayouttoseabynow.
Dadpulledbackthecurtaintosneakalook,andtherewassomeohere.Iwaogooutandhaveagoathim,butDadwouldme;hesaidthattheydtakeamadpictureofme,andIdlookstupidait.
Andhesaiditwasundigodothat,andinourpositiooriseaboveitallandighem.AndIwaslike,Inwhoseposition?Imnotinaposition.A,Well,youare,whetheryoulikeitornotyouareinaposition,andIgo,Youreinapositionnotme,andhesaid,Youreinapositiontoo,aoforawhile.Butofcoingonaboutitnevergesanything,andIknowhesright,really.IfIwasntinapositiohepaperswoulderested.Infact,themoreIactasthoughImnotinapositiohemoreIminaposition,ifyouseewhatImean.IfIjustsatinmyroomandread,otasteadyboyfriend,theredbenoi.ButifIwenttobedwithMartinSharp,orthrewmyselfoffaroof,thentherewouldbetheoppositeofnoiheredbei.
WhenIwasinthepapersacoupleofyearsago,justaftertheJenthing,IthinkthefeelingwasIwasTroubledratherthanBad.Anyway,shopliftingisntmurder,isit?Everyohroughashopliftingphase,dontthey?
BywhichImeanpropershoplifting,boostingWinona-style,bagsandclothesandshit,notpensas.Itesjustafterponiesandboybands,andrightbeforespliffandsex.ButIcouldtellthatitwasdifferentthistime,andthatwaswhenIstartedtothinkthingsthrough.Yeah,yeah,Iknow.Butbetterlatethannever,eh?WhatIthoughtwasthis:ifitwasgoingtobealloverthepapers,itwasbetterforMumandDadtothinkthatIdsleptwithMartinthantoknowtherealreasoogether.Therealreasonwouldkillthem.Maybeliterally.Whiakemetheonlyfamilymemberleftalive,possibly,andevenImmakingupmymindwhichwaytogo.Soifthepapershadgotholdofthewrongendofthestick,itwouldntbesuchabadthing.Obviouslyitwouldbeprettyhumiliatingatcollege,everyohinkingIdfuckedthesleaziestmaninBritain,butitwouldbefreatergood,i.e.twoaliveparents.
Thethingwas,eventhoughIdstartedtothinkthingsthrough,Ididntthihroughproperly.IcouldhavesavedmyselfalotoftroubleifIdjustgivenitawominutesbeforeIdopenedmymouth,butIdidnt.Ijustwent,Da-ad.Andhewaslike,Oh,no.AndIjustlookedathimandhegoes,Youdbettertellmeeverything,andIsaid,Well,thereisntmuchtotellreally.IjustwenttothispartyahereandIhadtoomuchtodrinkabacktohispladthatsit.Andhewaslike,Thatsit,asinendofstory?A,Well,no,thatsitasindotdotdotyoudooknowthedetails.Sohewent,JesusChrist,adowninachair.
Butheresthething:IdidosayIdsleptwithhim,didI?Icouldhavesaidwedsnogged,orhetriediton,oranythingatalllikethat,butIwasntquiough.Iwaslike,Wellifitsachoicebetweensuicideandsex,bettergosex,butthosedidnthavetobethechoices.Sexwasonlyaservingsuggestionsortofthing,butyoudonthavetodoexactlywhatitsaysonthepacket,doyou?Youmissthegarnishout,ifyouwant,andthatswhatIshouldhavedone.(Garnish-thatsaweirdword,isntit?IdontthinkIveeveruseditbefore.)ButIdidnt,didI?AherthingIshouldhavedodidnt:beforeItoldhimanything,IshouldhavegotDadtofindoutwhatthestoryintheneerwas.Ijustthought,Tabloids,sex…IdontknowwhatIthought,totellyouthetruth.Notmuch,asusual.
SoDadghtonthephoalkedtohisoffidtoldthemwhatIdtoldhim,andthenwhenhedfinished,hesaidhewasgoingoutandIwasnttoahephoanywhereordoanything.SoIwatchedTVforafewminutes,andthenIlookedoutthewindowtoseeifIcouldseethatbloke,andIcould,andhewasntonhisownanymore.
AndthenDadcamebackwithaneer-hedbeenouttogetanearlyedition.Helookedabouttenyearsolderthanhehadbeforeheleft.
Andheheldupthepaperformetosee,andtheheadlinesaid,MARTINSHARPANDJUNIORMINISTERSDAUGHTERINSUICIDEPACT.
Sothewholesexfessionbithadbeenapleteandutterfugwasteoftime.
JJThatwasthefirsttimeweknewanythingaboutJesssbackground,andIhavetosaythatmyfirstreawasthatitrettyfughilarious.Iwasinmylocalstore,buyingsomesmokes,andJessandMartiaringatmefromtheter,aheheadlineandwhooped.
Which,seeingastheheadlinewasabouttheirsupposedsuicidepaesomestrangelooks.AnEduinister!Holyshit!Youvegottouand,thisgirltalkedlikeshedbeenbroughtupbyapenniless,junkiewelfaremotherwhowasyouhanher.Aedlikeeducationwasaformofprostitution,somethingthatonlytheweirdorthedesperatewouldresortto.
Butthenwhehestory,itwasntquitesofunny.IdidntknowanythingaboutJesssoldersisterJennifer.Noneofusdid.Shedisappearedafewyearsago,whenJesswasfifteenandshewaseighteen;shedborrowedhermothersdtheyfounditabandonednearawell-knownsuicidespotdownonthecoast.Jenniferhadpassedhertestthreedaysbefore,asifthathadbeenthepointoflearningtodrive.Theyneverfoundabody.IdontknowwhatthatwouldhavedooJess-nothinggood,Iguess.Andheroldman…Jesus.Parentswhoosuicidaldaughtersarelikelytoendupfeeliydarkaboutthewholechild-raisingse.
Aheday,itbecameawholelotlessfunny.Therewasanotherheadline,anditreadTHEREWEREFOUROFTHEM!,andiiderhittherewasadescriptionofthesetwofreaksthatIeventuallyrealizedweresupposedtobeMaureenandme.Andattheendofthearticle,thereealforfurtherinformationandaphonenumber.
Therewasevenlikeacashreward.MaureenandIhadpriourheads,man!TheinformationhadclearlyefromthatassholeChas;youcouldhearthewhineinhisvhtthroughtheweirdBritishtabloidprose.
Youhadtogivetheguyalittlecredit,though,Iguess.Tome,theeveninghadsistedoffourmiserablepeople,failingdismallytodosomethingtheyhadsetouttodo-somethingthatisnot,letsbeho,realhardtoachieve.ButChashadseehingelse:hedseenthatitwasastory,somethinghemightmakeafewbucksoffof.OK,hemusthaveknownaboutJesssdad,but,youknow,propstotheguy.Hestilloputittogether.
Illtellyouthehoruthhere:Igotoffooryalittle.Itwaskindofgratifying,inanironicway,readingaboutmyself,andthatmakessenseifyouthinkaboutit.See,ohethingsthathadbroughtmedownwasmyinabilitytoleavemymarkontheworldthroughmymusic-whichisanotherwayofsayingthatIwassuicidalbecauseIwasntfamous.
MaybeImbeinghardonmyself,becauseIknowtherewasalittlemoretoitthanthat,butthatwassureapartofit.Anyway,reizingthatIwasallwasheduphadgotmeontothefrontpageoftheneer,andmaybetheresalessontheresomewhere.
SoIwassortofenjoyingmyself,sittinginmyflat,drinkingcoffeeandsmoking,takingpleasurefromknowingthatIwassortoffamousandpletelyanonymous,allatthesametime.Ahefugbuzzerwent,andIjumpedoutofmyskin.
Whoisit?IsthatJJ?Ayoungwomansvoice.
Whoisit?IwonderedifIcouldhaveafewwordswithyou?Abouttheht?Howdidyougetthisaddress?IuandyouwereohepeoplewithJessCriandMartinSharponNewYearsEve?Wheriedtokillthemselves?Youuandwrong,maam.Thiswasthefirstsenteneitherofusthatdidnthaveaquestionmarkattheend.Thelowheendofminewasarelief,likeasneeze.
WhichbithaveIg?Allofit.Youpressedthewrongbuzzer.
IdontthinkIdid.
Howdoyouknow?BecauseyoudidntdenyyouwereJJ.AndyouaskedhowIdgotthisaddress.
Goodpoint.Theywereprofessional,thesepeople.
Ididntsayitwasmyaddress,though,didI?Thereause,whilewebothallowedthepletestupidityofthisobservationtofloataround.
Shedidntsayanything.Iimagiandingoutthereireet,shakingherheadsadlyatmypatheticattempts.Ivowednottosayanotherworduntilshewentaway.
Listen,shesaid.Wasthereareasonyoucamedown?Whatkindofreason?Idontknow.Somethingthatmightcheerourreadersup.Maybe,Idontknow,yougaveeachotherthewilltogoon.
Idontknowaboutthat.
ThefourofyoulookeddownoverLondonandsawthebeautyoftheworld.Anythinglikethat?Anythingthatmightinspireourreaders?WasthereanythinginspirationalinourquesttofindChas?Iftherewas,Icould.
DidMartinSharpsayanythingthatgaveyouareasontolive,forexample?Peoplewouldwanttoknow,ifhedid.
ItriedtothinkifMartinhadofferedusanywordsoffortshecoulduse.HedcalledJessafugidiot,butthatwasmoreofaspirit-liftingratherthanlife-savingmoment.Aoldusthataguestonhisshowhadbeenmarriedtosomeonewhodbeeninaafortwenty-fiveyears,butthathadnthelpedusoutmuch,either.
Itthinkofanything,noingtoleaveacardwithmynumbersonit,mewhenyoufeelreadytotalkaboutthis.
Inearlyranoutafterher-Iwas,aswesay,missingheralready.Ilikedbeiemporaryterofherworld.Shit,Ilikedbeiemporaryterofmyown,becausetherehadoomuchthereretly,andtherewasntmuchthereaftershedgoher.
<strong>MAUREEN</strong>
SoIwenthome,andIputthetelevisionon,andmadeacupoftea,andIphohetre,awoyoungfellasdeliveredMattytothehouse,andIputhiminfrontoftheTV,anditallstartedagain.ItwashardtoseehowIdlastanothersixweeks.Iknowwehadanagreement,butIhoughtIdseeanyofthemagainanyway.Oh,weexgedtelephonenumbersandaddressesandsoforth.(MartinhadtoexplaiifIdidnthaveaputer,thenIwouldnthaveanemailaddress.IwasntsurewhetherIdhaveoneornot.Ithoughtitmighthaveeihoseenvelopesyouthrowaway.)ButIdidntthiuallybeusingthem.
IlltellyouGodshoruth,eventhoughitllmakemesoundasifIwasfeelingsorryformyself:Ithoughttheymightseeeachother,buttheydkeepmeoutofit.Iwastoooldforthem,andtooold-fashioned,withmyshoesandall.Idhadaingtimegoingtopartiesandseeingallthestrangepeoplethere,butithadntgedanything.IwasstillgoingbacktopickMattyup,andIstillhadnolifetolivebeyondthelifeIwasalreadysidtiredof.Youmightbethinking,well,whyisntsheangry?ButofcourseIamangry.IdontknowwhyIeverpretendImnot.Thechurchhadsomethingtodowithit,Isuppose.Andmaybemyage,becauseweweretaughtnottogrumble,weresomedays-mostdays-Iwanttoscreamandshoutahingsandkillpeople.Oh,theresanger,rightenough.Youtbestuckwithalifelikethisoneandangry.
Anyleofdayslatertheph,andthiswomanoshvoicesaid,IsthatMaureen?Itis.
ThisistheMetropolitanPolice.
Oh,hello,Isaid.
Hello.WevehadreportsthatyoursonwascausingtroubleintheshoppireonNewYearsEve.Shopliftingandsniffingglueandmuggingpeopleandsoon.
Imafraiditcouldnthavebeenmyson,Isaid,likea.Hehasadisability.
Andyouresurehesnotputtingthedisabilityohoughtaboutthisforhalfased.Well,youdo,dontyou,whenitsthepolice?Youwanttomakeabsolutelysurethatyouretellingtheabsolutetruth,justincaseyougetintotroublelateron.
Hedbeaverygoodactorifhewas.
Andyouresurehesnotaverygoodactor?Oh,positive.Yousee,hestoodisabledtoact.
Buthowaboutifthatsanaly,theer,thewossshisdescription.Thesuspect.
Whatsthedescription?IdontknowwhyIsaidthat.Tobehelpful,Isuppose.
Welletothat,madam.youatforhiswhereaboutsonNewYearsEve?Wereyouwithhim?Ifeltachillrunthroughmetheehaderedatfirst.
Theydgotme.Ididntknowwhethertolieornot.Supposingsomeonefromthehomehadtakenhimoutandusedhimasacover,sortofthing?
Ohoseyoungfellas,say?Theylookedniough,butyoudontknow,doyou?Supposingtheyhadgoneshoplifting,andhiddehingutysbla?Supposingtheyallwentoutdrinking,aookMattywiththem,aintoafight,andtheypushedthewheelchairhardtowardssomeoheywerefightingwith?Andthepolicesawhimcareeringintosomeone,andtheydidntknowthathecouldnthavepushedhimself,sotheythoughthewasjoiningin?Andafterwardshewasjustplayingdumbbecausehedidntwanttogetintotrouble?Well,youcouldhurtsomeone,crashingintothemwithawheelchair.Youcouldbreaksomeonesleg.Andsupposing…Actually,eveninthemiddleofmylittlepanicIcouldntreallyseehowhedmahegluesniffing.Butevenso!Thesewereallthethingsthatwentthroughmymind.Itwasallguilt,Isuppose.Ihadhhim,andIshouldhavebeen,andthereasonIhadhhimwasbecauseIwaoleavehimforever.
Iwasntwithhim,no.Hewasbeinglookedafter.
Ah.Isee.
Heerfectlysafe.
Imsurehewas,madam.Butwerenottalkingabouthissafety,arewe?
WeretalkingaboutthesafetyofpeopleintheWoodGreenshoppire.
WoodGreen!HewasalltheinWoodGreen!No.Yes.Sorry.
Areyoureallysorry?Areyoureallyreallyreallyf—sorry?Icouldntbelievemyears.Ikhepoliceusedbadlanguage,ofcourse.ButIthoughtitwouldorewhentheywereuress,withterroristsandsuchlike,notonthephoomembersofthepublithecourseofaroutineinquiry.Unless,ofcourse,shereallywasuress.atty,orwhoeverpushedhim,haveactuallykilledsomeone?
Achild,maybe?
Maureen.
Yes,Imstillhere.
Maureen,Imnotreallyapolian.ImJess.
Oh.Icouldfeelmyselfblushingatmyownstupidity.
Youbelievedme,didntyou,yousillyoldbag.
Yes,Ibelievedyou.
Shecouldhearinmyvoicethatshedupsetme,soshedidnttrytomakeanymoreofit.
Haveyouseenthepapers?No.Idontlookatthem.
Wereinthem.
Whosinthem?Weare.Well,MartinandIareinthembyname.Whatalaugh,eh?Whatdoesitsay?ItsaysthatmeandMartinandtwoothermystery,youknow,peoplehadasuicidepact.
Thatsnottrue.
Der.AnditsaysImtheJuniorMinisterforEducationsdaughter.
Whydoesitsaythat?BecauseIam.
Oh.
Imjusttellingyousoyouknowwhatsinthepapers.Areyousurprised?Well,youdoswearalot,forapolitisdaughter.
AndaortercameroundtoJJsflatandaskedhimwhetherwecamedownforaninspirationalreason.
Whatdoesthatmeaknow.Anyway.Weregoingtohaveacrisismeeting.
Whois?Thefourofus.Bigreunion.Maybeintheplacewherewehadbreakfast.
Itgoanywhere.
Whynot?BecauseofMatty.ThatsohereasonsIontheroof.
BecauseIevergoanywhere.
Wecouldetoyou.
Ibegantoflushagain.Ididntwantthemhere.
No,no.Illthinkofsomething.Whehinkingofmeetingup?Laterontoday.
Oh,Iwontbeabletosortanythingoutfortoday.
Sowelletoyou.
Pleasedont.Ihaventtidiedup.
Sotidyup.
Iveneverhadanyonefromthetelevisioninmyhouse.Orapolitisdaughter.
Iwontputonanyairsraces.Wellseeyouatfive.
Andthatgavemethreehourstosorteverythingout,puteverythingaway.Itdoesdriveyoualittlebitmad,alifelikemihink.Youhavetobealittlemadtowanttojumpoffthetopofabuilding.Youhavetobealittlemadtoedownagain.YouhavetobemorethanalittlemadtoputupwithMatty,aayinginallthetime,andtheloneliness.ButIdothinkImonlyalittlemad.IfIwerereallymad,Iwouldnthaveworriedaboutthetidyingup.AndifIwerereally,properlymad,Iwouldnthavemindedwhattheyfound.
MARTINIsupposeitcrossedmymindthatmyvisittoToppersHousemightbeofioourfriendsiabloidpress.Iwasonthefrontpageofthepaperforfallingdowndrunkireet,forChristssake,andsomewouldarguethatattemptingtofalloffahighbuildingiseveerestingthanthat.WheoldChaswherewedmet,Ididwonderwhetherhedhavethewittoselltheknowledgeon,butasChasseemedtomeaparticularlywitlessindividual,Idismissedthefearasparanoia.IfIdknownthatJesswasnewsworthyinherht,thenIcouldhavepreparedmyself.
Myagentcalledfirstthing,ahestoryouttome-IonlybotherwiththeTelegraphathomenow.
Isanyofthistrue?hesaid.
Betweenyouandme?Ifyouwant.
Iwasgoingtojumpfromthetopofatower-block.
Gosh.
Myagentisyoung,poshandgreen.IcameoutofprisontofindthattherehadbeenaquoteunquanizationattheagendTheo,whousedtomakethecoffeeformypreviousagent,isnowallthatstaweenmeandprofessionaloblivion.ItwasTheowhofoundmemycurrentjobatFeetUpTV!,theworldsworstcableel.HehasadegreeinparativeReligion,andhesapublishedpoet.IsuspectthatheplayshisfootballforAllboysUnited,ifyougetmydrift,althoughthatsherherenorthere.Hesatthechocolateteapotendofthepetencyscale.
Imetherupthere.Herandacoupleofothers.Wecamebackdownagain.AndhereIam,inthelandoftheliving.
Whywereyougoingtojumpoffthetopofatower-block?Iturelywhimsical.
Imsureyoumusthavehadareason.
Idid.Iwasjoking.Readmyfile.Acquaintyourselfwithretevents.
Wethoughtwedturnedaer.Itsalwaysverytoug,hisinsistehefirstpersonplural.Iveheardthemall:Sincewecameoutofprison…,Sihatspotofbotherwiththeteenagegirl…"Iftherewasonecausefretafterasuccessfulsuicideattempt,itwouldbethatIdtohearTheosay,Sincewekilledourselves…Or,Sinceourfuneral...
Wethoughtwrong.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
Itdidnttakelongforthepaperstofindout.Acoupleofdays,maybe.Iwasinmyroom,andDadcalledmedownstairsandaskedmewhatIdbeenuptoonNewYearsEve.A,Nothingmudhewehatisntwhattheneersseemtothink.AndIwaslike,Neers?
Andhesaid,Yeah,theresapparentlygoingtobeastoryaboutyouandMartinSharp.DoyouknowMartinSharp?AndIwas,youknow,Yeah,sortof,ohimthatnightataparty,dontknowhimverywell.
AndsoDadgoes,WhatthehellkindofpartyisitwhereyoumeetsomeonelikeMartinSharp?AndIcouldntthinkwhatkindofpartythatwouldbe,soIdidntsayanything.AndthenDadwaslike,Andwasthere…Didanything…Alltenterhooksorwhatever,kindofthing,soIjustdivedin.
DidIfuckhim?NoIdidnot!Thanksabunch!Bloodyhell!MartinSharp!Eeeeudsoonandsoonuntilhegottheidea.
ItwasfugChas,ofcourse,whophoheneers.Hedprobablytriedbefore,thelittleshit,butheneverhadmuchtogoonthewasjustme.TheJessCriartinSharpbo,though…uable.Howmuchdoyouthinkyougetforsomethinglikethat?Acoupleofhundredquid?More?Tobeho,IdhavedoifIwerehim.
Hesalwaysskint.AndImalwaysskint.Ifhedbeenahsellinguptheriver,hedbehalfwayouttoseabynow.
Dadpulledbackthecurtaintosneakalook,andtherewassomeohere.Iwaogooutandhaveagoathim,butDadwouldme;hesaidthattheydtakeamadpictureofme,andIdlookstupidait.
Andhesaiditwasundigodothat,andinourpositiooriseaboveitallandighem.AndIwaslike,Inwhoseposition?Imnotinaposition.A,Well,youare,whetheryoulikeitornotyouareinaposition,andIgo,Youreinapositionnotme,andhesaid,Youreinapositiontoo,aoforawhile.Butofcoingonaboutitnevergesanything,andIknowhesright,really.IfIwasntinapositiohepaperswoulderested.Infact,themoreIactasthoughImnotinapositiohemoreIminaposition,ifyouseewhatImean.IfIjustsatinmyroomandread,otasteadyboyfriend,theredbenoi.ButifIwenttobedwithMartinSharp,orthrewmyselfoffaroof,thentherewouldbetheoppositeofnoiheredbei.
WhenIwasinthepapersacoupleofyearsago,justaftertheJenthing,IthinkthefeelingwasIwasTroubledratherthanBad.Anyway,shopliftingisntmurder,isit?Everyohroughashopliftingphase,dontthey?
BywhichImeanpropershoplifting,boostingWinona-style,bagsandclothesandshit,notpensas.Itesjustafterponiesandboybands,andrightbeforespliffandsex.ButIcouldtellthatitwasdifferentthistime,andthatwaswhenIstartedtothinkthingsthrough.Yeah,yeah,Iknow.Butbetterlatethannever,eh?WhatIthoughtwasthis:ifitwasgoingtobealloverthepapers,itwasbetterforMumandDadtothinkthatIdsleptwithMartinthantoknowtherealreasoogether.Therealreasonwouldkillthem.Maybeliterally.Whiakemetheonlyfamilymemberleftalive,possibly,andevenImmakingupmymindwhichwaytogo.Soifthepapershadgotholdofthewrongendofthestick,itwouldntbesuchabadthing.Obviouslyitwouldbeprettyhumiliatingatcollege,everyohinkingIdfuckedthesleaziestmaninBritain,butitwouldbefreatergood,i.e.twoaliveparents.
Thethingwas,eventhoughIdstartedtothinkthingsthrough,Ididntthihroughproperly.IcouldhavesavedmyselfalotoftroubleifIdjustgivenitawominutesbeforeIdopenedmymouth,butIdidnt.Ijustwent,Da-ad.Andhewaslike,Oh,no.AndIjustlookedathimandhegoes,Youdbettertellmeeverything,andIsaid,Well,thereisntmuchtotellreally.IjustwenttothispartyahereandIhadtoomuchtodrinkabacktohispladthatsit.Andhewaslike,Thatsit,asinendofstory?A,Well,no,thatsitasindotdotdotyoudooknowthedetails.Sohewent,JesusChrist,adowninachair.
Butheresthething:IdidosayIdsleptwithhim,didI?Icouldhavesaidwedsnogged,orhetriediton,oranythingatalllikethat,butIwasntquiough.Iwaslike,Wellifitsachoicebetweensuicideandsex,bettergosex,butthosedidnthavetobethechoices.Sexwasonlyaservingsuggestionsortofthing,butyoudonthavetodoexactlywhatitsaysonthepacket,doyou?Youmissthegarnishout,ifyouwant,andthatswhatIshouldhavedone.(Garnish-thatsaweirdword,isntit?IdontthinkIveeveruseditbefore.)ButIdidnt,didI?AherthingIshouldhavedodidnt:beforeItoldhimanything,IshouldhavegotDadtofindoutwhatthestoryintheneerwas.Ijustthought,Tabloids,sex…IdontknowwhatIthought,totellyouthetruth.Notmuch,asusual.
SoDadghtonthephoalkedtohisoffidtoldthemwhatIdtoldhim,andthenwhenhedfinished,hesaidhewasgoingoutandIwasnttoahephoanywhereordoanything.SoIwatchedTVforafewminutes,andthenIlookedoutthewindowtoseeifIcouldseethatbloke,andIcould,andhewasntonhisownanymore.
AndthenDadcamebackwithaneer-hedbeenouttogetanearlyedition.Helookedabouttenyearsolderthanhehadbeforeheleft.
Andheheldupthepaperformetosee,andtheheadlinesaid,MARTINSHARPANDJUNIORMINISTERSDAUGHTERINSUICIDEPACT.
Sothewholesexfessionbithadbeenapleteandutterfugwasteoftime.
JJThatwasthefirsttimeweknewanythingaboutJesssbackground,andIhavetosaythatmyfirstreawasthatitrettyfughilarious.Iwasinmylocalstore,buyingsomesmokes,andJessandMartiaringatmefromtheter,aheheadlineandwhooped.
Which,seeingastheheadlinewasabouttheirsupposedsuicidepaesomestrangelooks.AnEduinister!Holyshit!Youvegottouand,thisgirltalkedlikeshedbeenbroughtupbyapenniless,junkiewelfaremotherwhowasyouhanher.Aedlikeeducationwasaformofprostitution,somethingthatonlytheweirdorthedesperatewouldresortto.
Butthenwhehestory,itwasntquitesofunny.IdidntknowanythingaboutJesssoldersisterJennifer.Noneofusdid.Shedisappearedafewyearsago,whenJesswasfifteenandshewaseighteen;shedborrowedhermothersdtheyfounditabandonednearawell-knownsuicidespotdownonthecoast.Jenniferhadpassedhertestthreedaysbefore,asifthathadbeenthepointoflearningtodrive.Theyneverfoundabody.IdontknowwhatthatwouldhavedooJess-nothinggood,Iguess.Andheroldman…Jesus.Parentswhoosuicidaldaughtersarelikelytoendupfeeliydarkaboutthewholechild-raisingse.
Aheday,itbecameawholelotlessfunny.Therewasanotherheadline,anditreadTHEREWEREFOUROFTHEM!,andiiderhittherewasadescriptionofthesetwofreaksthatIeventuallyrealizedweresupposedtobeMaureenandme.Andattheendofthearticle,thereealforfurtherinformationandaphonenumber.
Therewasevenlikeacashreward.MaureenandIhadpriourheads,man!TheinformationhadclearlyefromthatassholeChas;youcouldhearthewhineinhisvhtthroughtheweirdBritishtabloidprose.
Youhadtogivetheguyalittlecredit,though,Iguess.Tome,theeveninghadsistedoffourmiserablepeople,failingdismallytodosomethingtheyhadsetouttodo-somethingthatisnot,letsbeho,realhardtoachieve.ButChashadseehingelse:hedseenthatitwasastory,somethinghemightmakeafewbucksoffof.OK,hemusthaveknownaboutJesssdad,but,youknow,propstotheguy.Hestilloputittogether.
Illtellyouthehoruthhere:Igotoffooryalittle.Itwaskindofgratifying,inanironicway,readingaboutmyself,andthatmakessenseifyouthinkaboutit.See,ohethingsthathadbroughtmedownwasmyinabilitytoleavemymarkontheworldthroughmymusic-whichisanotherwayofsayingthatIwassuicidalbecauseIwasntfamous.
MaybeImbeinghardonmyself,becauseIknowtherewasalittlemoretoitthanthat,butthatwassureapartofit.Anyway,reizingthatIwasallwasheduphadgotmeontothefrontpageoftheneer,andmaybetheresalessontheresomewhere.
SoIwassortofenjoyingmyself,sittinginmyflat,drinkingcoffeeandsmoking,takingpleasurefromknowingthatIwassortoffamousandpletelyanonymous,allatthesametime.Ahefugbuzzerwent,andIjumpedoutofmyskin.
Whoisit?IsthatJJ?Ayoungwomansvoice.
Whoisit?IwonderedifIcouldhaveafewwordswithyou?Abouttheht?Howdidyougetthisaddress?IuandyouwereohepeoplewithJessCriandMartinSharponNewYearsEve?Wheriedtokillthemselves?Youuandwrong,maam.Thiswasthefirstsenteneitherofusthatdidnthaveaquestionmarkattheend.Thelowheendofminewasarelief,likeasneeze.
WhichbithaveIg?Allofit.Youpressedthewrongbuzzer.
IdontthinkIdid.
Howdoyouknow?BecauseyoudidntdenyyouwereJJ.AndyouaskedhowIdgotthisaddress.
Goodpoint.Theywereprofessional,thesepeople.
Ididntsayitwasmyaddress,though,didI?Thereause,whilewebothallowedthepletestupidityofthisobservationtofloataround.
Shedidntsayanything.Iimagiandingoutthereireet,shakingherheadsadlyatmypatheticattempts.Ivowednottosayanotherworduntilshewentaway.
Listen,shesaid.Wasthereareasonyoucamedown?Whatkindofreason?Idontknow.Somethingthatmightcheerourreadersup.Maybe,Idontknow,yougaveeachotherthewilltogoon.
Idontknowaboutthat.
ThefourofyoulookeddownoverLondonandsawthebeautyoftheworld.Anythinglikethat?Anythingthatmightinspireourreaders?WasthereanythinginspirationalinourquesttofindChas?Iftherewas,Icould.
DidMartinSharpsayanythingthatgaveyouareasontolive,forexample?Peoplewouldwanttoknow,ifhedid.
ItriedtothinkifMartinhadofferedusanywordsoffortshecoulduse.HedcalledJessafugidiot,butthatwasmoreofaspirit-liftingratherthanlife-savingmoment.Aoldusthataguestonhisshowhadbeenmarriedtosomeonewhodbeeninaafortwenty-fiveyears,butthathadnthelpedusoutmuch,either.
Itthinkofanything,noingtoleaveacardwithmynumbersonit,mewhenyoufeelreadytotalkaboutthis.
Inearlyranoutafterher-Iwas,aswesay,missingheralready.Ilikedbeiemporaryterofherworld.Shit,Ilikedbeiemporaryterofmyown,becausetherehadoomuchthereretly,andtherewasntmuchthereaftershedgoher.
<strong>MAUREEN</strong>
SoIwenthome,andIputthetelevisionon,andmadeacupoftea,andIphohetre,awoyoungfellasdeliveredMattytothehouse,andIputhiminfrontoftheTV,anditallstartedagain.ItwashardtoseehowIdlastanothersixweeks.Iknowwehadanagreement,butIhoughtIdseeanyofthemagainanyway.Oh,weexgedtelephonenumbersandaddressesandsoforth.(MartinhadtoexplaiifIdidnthaveaputer,thenIwouldnthaveanemailaddress.IwasntsurewhetherIdhaveoneornot.Ithoughtitmighthaveeihoseenvelopesyouthrowaway.)ButIdidntthiuallybeusingthem.
IlltellyouGodshoruth,eventhoughitllmakemesoundasifIwasfeelingsorryformyself:Ithoughttheymightseeeachother,buttheydkeepmeoutofit.Iwastoooldforthem,andtooold-fashioned,withmyshoesandall.Idhadaingtimegoingtopartiesandseeingallthestrangepeoplethere,butithadntgedanything.IwasstillgoingbacktopickMattyup,andIstillhadnolifetolivebeyondthelifeIwasalreadysidtiredof.Youmightbethinking,well,whyisntsheangry?ButofcourseIamangry.IdontknowwhyIeverpretendImnot.Thechurchhadsomethingtodowithit,Isuppose.Andmaybemyage,becauseweweretaughtnottogrumble,weresomedays-mostdays-Iwanttoscreamandshoutahingsandkillpeople.Oh,theresanger,rightenough.Youtbestuckwithalifelikethisoneandangry.
Anyleofdayslatertheph,andthiswomanoshvoicesaid,IsthatMaureen?Itis.
ThisistheMetropolitanPolice.
Oh,hello,Isaid.
Hello.WevehadreportsthatyoursonwascausingtroubleintheshoppireonNewYearsEve.Shopliftingandsniffingglueandmuggingpeopleandsoon.
Imafraiditcouldnthavebeenmyson,Isaid,likea.Hehasadisability.
Andyouresurehesnotputtingthedisabilityohoughtaboutthisforhalfased.Well,youdo,dontyou,whenitsthepolice?Youwanttomakeabsolutelysurethatyouretellingtheabsolutetruth,justincaseyougetintotroublelateron.
Hedbeaverygoodactorifhewas.
Andyouresurehesnotaverygoodactor?Oh,positive.Yousee,hestoodisabledtoact.
Buthowaboutifthatsanaly,theer,thewossshisdescription.Thesuspect.
Whatsthedescription?IdontknowwhyIsaidthat.Tobehelpful,Isuppose.
Welletothat,madam.youatforhiswhereaboutsonNewYearsEve?Wereyouwithhim?Ifeltachillrunthroughmetheehaderedatfirst.
Theydgotme.Ididntknowwhethertolieornot.Supposingsomeonefromthehomehadtakenhimoutandusedhimasacover,sortofthing?
Ohoseyoungfellas,say?Theylookedniough,butyoudontknow,doyou?Supposingtheyhadgoneshoplifting,andhiddehingutysbla?Supposingtheyallwentoutdrinking,aookMattywiththem,aintoafight,andtheypushedthewheelchairhardtowardssomeoheywerefightingwith?Andthepolicesawhimcareeringintosomeone,andtheydidntknowthathecouldnthavepushedhimself,sotheythoughthewasjoiningin?Andafterwardshewasjustplayingdumbbecausehedidntwanttogetintotrouble?Well,youcouldhurtsomeone,crashingintothemwithawheelchair.Youcouldbreaksomeonesleg.Andsupposing…Actually,eveninthemiddleofmylittlepanicIcouldntreallyseehowhedmahegluesniffing.Butevenso!Thesewereallthethingsthatwentthroughmymind.Itwasallguilt,Isuppose.Ihadhhim,andIshouldhavebeen,andthereasonIhadhhimwasbecauseIwaoleavehimforever.
Iwasntwithhim,no.Hewasbeinglookedafter.
Ah.Isee.
Heerfectlysafe.
Imsurehewas,madam.Butwerenottalkingabouthissafety,arewe?
WeretalkingaboutthesafetyofpeopleintheWoodGreenshoppire.
WoodGreen!HewasalltheinWoodGreen!No.Yes.Sorry.
Areyoureallysorry?Areyoureallyreallyreallyf—sorry?Icouldntbelievemyears.Ikhepoliceusedbadlanguage,ofcourse.ButIthoughtitwouldorewhentheywereuress,withterroristsandsuchlike,notonthephoomembersofthepublithecourseofaroutineinquiry.Unless,ofcourse,shereallywasuress.atty,orwhoeverpushedhim,haveactuallykilledsomeone?
Achild,maybe?
Maureen.
Yes,Imstillhere.
Maureen,Imnotreallyapolian.ImJess.
Oh.Icouldfeelmyselfblushingatmyownstupidity.
Youbelievedme,didntyou,yousillyoldbag.
Yes,Ibelievedyou.
Shecouldhearinmyvoicethatshedupsetme,soshedidnttrytomakeanymoreofit.
Haveyouseenthepapers?No.Idontlookatthem.
Wereinthem.
Whosinthem?Weare.Well,MartinandIareinthembyname.Whatalaugh,eh?Whatdoesitsay?ItsaysthatmeandMartinandtwoothermystery,youknow,peoplehadasuicidepact.
Thatsnottrue.
Der.AnditsaysImtheJuniorMinisterforEducationsdaughter.
Whydoesitsaythat?BecauseIam.
Oh.
Imjusttellingyousoyouknowwhatsinthepapers.Areyousurprised?Well,youdoswearalot,forapolitisdaughter.
AndaortercameroundtoJJsflatandaskedhimwhetherwecamedownforaninspirationalreason.
Whatdoesthatmeaknow.Anyway.Weregoingtohaveacrisismeeting.
Whois?Thefourofus.Bigreunion.Maybeintheplacewherewehadbreakfast.
Itgoanywhere.
Whynot?BecauseofMatty.ThatsohereasonsIontheroof.
BecauseIevergoanywhere.
Wecouldetoyou.
Ibegantoflushagain.Ididntwantthemhere.
No,no.Illthinkofsomething.Whehinkingofmeetingup?Laterontoday.
Oh,Iwontbeabletosortanythingoutfortoday.
Sowelletoyou.
Pleasedont.Ihaventtidiedup.
Sotidyup.
Iveneverhadanyonefromthetelevisioninmyhouse.Orapolitisdaughter.
Iwontputonanyairsraces.Wellseeyouatfive.
Andthatgavemethreehourstosorteverythingout,puteverythingaway.Itdoesdriveyoualittlebitmad,alifelikemihink.Youhavetobealittlemadtowanttojumpoffthetopofabuilding.Youhavetobealittlemadtoedownagain.YouhavetobemorethanalittlemadtoputupwithMatty,aayinginallthetime,andtheloneliness.ButIdothinkImonlyalittlemad.IfIwerereallymad,Iwouldnthaveworriedaboutthetidyingup.AndifIwerereally,properlymad,Iwouldnthavemindedwhattheyfound.
MARTINIsupposeitcrossedmymindthatmyvisittoToppersHousemightbeofioourfriendsiabloidpress.Iwasonthefrontpageofthepaperforfallingdowndrunkireet,forChristssake,andsomewouldarguethatattemptingtofalloffahighbuildingiseveerestingthanthat.WheoldChaswherewedmet,Ididwonderwhetherhedhavethewittoselltheknowledgeon,butasChasseemedtomeaparticularlywitlessindividual,Idismissedthefearasparanoia.IfIdknownthatJesswasnewsworthyinherht,thenIcouldhavepreparedmyself.
Myagentcalledfirstthing,ahestoryouttome-IonlybotherwiththeTelegraphathomenow.
Isanyofthistrue?hesaid.
Betweenyouandme?Ifyouwant.
Iwasgoingtojumpfromthetopofatower-block.
Gosh.
Myagentisyoung,poshandgreen.IcameoutofprisontofindthattherehadbeenaquoteunquanizationattheagendTheo,whousedtomakethecoffeeformypreviousagent,isnowallthatstaweenmeandprofessionaloblivion.ItwasTheowhofoundmemycurrentjobatFeetUpTV!,theworldsworstcableel.HehasadegreeinparativeReligion,andhesapublishedpoet.IsuspectthatheplayshisfootballforAllboysUnited,ifyougetmydrift,althoughthatsherherenorthere.Hesatthechocolateteapotendofthepetencyscale.
Imetherupthere.Herandacoupleofothers.Wecamebackdownagain.AndhereIam,inthelandoftheliving.
Whywereyougoingtojumpoffthetopofatower-block?Iturelywhimsical.
Imsureyoumusthavehadareason.
Idid.Iwasjoking.Readmyfile.Acquaintyourselfwithretevents.
Wethoughtwedturnedaer.Itsalwaysverytoug,hisinsistehefirstpersonplural.Iveheardthemall:Sincewecameoutofprison…,Sihatspotofbotherwiththeteenagegirl…"Iftherewasonecausefretafterasuccessfulsuicideattempt,itwouldbethatIdtohearTheosay,Sincewekilledourselves…Or,Sinceourfuneral...
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