Part 3-4
ItwasntlikeIwao,youknow,grablifeinapassionateembradvowoletitgountilitletgoofme.Inaway,itmakesthingsworse,er.Onceyoustoppretendingthateverythingsshittyandyoutwaittogetoutofit,whichisthestoryIdbeentellingmyselfforawhile,thesmorepainful,ellingyourselflifeisshitislikeahetidwhenyoustoptakingtheAdvil,thenyoureallytellhowmuchithurts,andwhere,anditsnotlikethatkindofpaindoesanyoneawholelotofgood.
AnditwaskindofappropriatethatIwaswithmyex-loverandmyex-brotherattheprecisemomentIrealized,becauseitwasthesamekindofthing.Ilovedthem,andwouldalwayslovethem.Buttherelacewheretheycouldfitanymore,soIhadoputallthethingsIfelt.Ididntknowwhattodowiththem,andtheydidntknowwhattodowithme,andisntthatjustlikelife?
Ineversaidanythingaboutfinishingwithyoubecauseyoingtobearockstar,saidLizzieafterawhile.Youknowthatreally,dontyou?Ishookmyhead.Ididntknow,didI?Youguysbackmeuponthat.NotohisstoryhaveIeverowoanykindofmisuanding,deliberateorotherwise.SofarasIwased,shewasdumpingmebecauseIwasamusicalloser.
Sowhatdidyousay,then?Tryagain.AndIlllistenrealhardthistime.
Itsnotgoingtomakeanydifferenow,becauseweveallmovedht?Kindof.Iwasntgoingtoadmittostandingstill,oingbackwards.
OK.WhatIsaidwas,Icouldhyouifyouwerentamusi.
Itwasntsuchabigdealtoyouatthetime.Youdontevenlikemusicthatmuch.
Yourenothearingme,JJ.Youreamusi.Itsnotjustwhatyoudid.
Itswhoyouare.AndImnotsayingyoingtobeasuccessfulmusi.IdontevenknowifyoodowasjustthatIcouldseeyoudbeoanyoneifyoustopped.Andlookpened.Youbreakthebandup,andfivemieryourestandingoopofatower-block.Yourestuckwithit.Andwithoutityouredead.Oryoumightaswellbe.
So…OK.Nothingtodowithbeingunsuccessful.
God,whatdoyoutakemefor?ButIwasnttalkingabouther;Iwastalkingaboutme.Ineverlookedatitthatwaybefore.Ithoughtthiswholethinghadbeenaboutmyfailure,butthatwasntit.Andatthatmomelikegmyfugheartout,really.IfeltlikegbecauseIknewshewasright,andsometimesthetruthgetsyoulikethat.IfeltlikegbecauseIwasgoingtomakemusicagain,andIdmisseditsomudIfeltlikegbecauseIkhatmakingmusievergoingtomakemesuccessful,soLizziehadjustoahirty-fiveyearsofpoverty,rootlessness,despair,hplan,cold-watermotelsandbadhamburgers.ItsjustthatIdbeeatingtheburgers,notflippingthem.
<strong>MARTIN</strong>
Iwalkedhome,turhephoneoffaheforty-eighthourswiththecurtainsdrawn,drinking,sleepingandwatgasmanyprogrammesaboutantiquesasIcouldfind.Duringthoseforty-eighthours,IwouldsaythatIwasingravedaurningintoMariePrevost,theHollywoodactresswhowasdiscoveredsometimeafterherdeathinastateofdisrepair,duetohercorpsehavingbeenpartiallyeatenbyherdachshund.ThatIhadnodachshund,orindeedanydomesticpet,Irememberbeingasouresolationinthosecoupleofdays.Iwouldcertainlydiealone,andmycorpsewouldcertainlybeinastateofadvanceddecaybythetimeanyonefouIwouldbeplete,apartfromthebitsthathaddroppedoffthroughnaturalcauses.Sothatwasallright.
Heresthething.Thecauseofmyproblemsislocatedinmyhead,ifmyheadiswheremypersonalityislocated.(dyandotherswouldarguethatbothmypersonalityandthesourytroubleswerelocatedbelowratherthanabovemywaist,buthearmeout.)Ihadbeengivenmanyopportunitiesinlife,andIhadthrowneachofthemaway,onebyohroughaseriesofcatastrophicallybaddecisions,eaeofwhichseemedlikeagoodideatome-tomeandmyhead-atthetime.AheonlytoolIhadatmydisposaltocorrectthedisastrouscoursemylifeseemedtobetakingwastheverysameheadthathadcausedmetofuckupinthefirstplace.WhatcedidIhave?
AcoupleofweeksafterJesssJerrySpringershow,IreadsomenotesIdmadeduringthatteriod.ItwouldruetosaythatIdbeensodrunkIdfottenIdevermadethem,andinanycasetheydbeenlyingarouinplainview.ButitwasafhtbeforeIpossessedenoughcetoreadthem,andonceIddoneso,Iwasalmostpelledtodrawthecurtainsandreachflenmieonceagain.
Theobjectoftheexercisewastoanalyse,withtheonlyheadIhaveavailabletome,whyIhadbehavedsoabsurdlythatafternoon,andtolistallpossiblerespohatbehaviivemyheaditsdue-tobefairtothelad,assportspunditswouldsay-itwasatleastcapablenizingthatthebehaviourhadbeenabsurd.Itjustwasntcapableofdoingverymuchaboutit.Areallheadslikethis,orisitjustmine?
Anyway,onthebacksofseveralunopenedenvelopes,mostlybills,thereressinglyclusiveevidehecircularityofhumanbehaviour.WHYHORRIBLETONURSE?Ihadwritten.Andthen,underh:)ARSEHOLE?HIM?ME?
)HITTINGONPENNY?
)GOOD-LOOKINGANDYOUNG-PISSEDMEOFF?
)ANNOYEDBYPEOPLE.
Thislastexplanation,whichmayhavemeantsomethingbrilliantlyprecisewhenIhitonit,nowseemedstartlinglydidinitsvagueness.
Onanotherenvelope,IhadscrawledCOURSESOFA(andpleaseheway,theswitberstoletters,aswitchpresumablymeanttoindicatethestifiatureofthework):a)KILLMYSELF?
b)ASKMAUREENNOTTOUSETHATNURSEANYMORETAndCstoppedthere,eitherbecauseIfellintoastuporatthatpoint,orbecauseDontwasacisewayofexpressingaprofoundsolutiontoallmyproblems.Thinkaboutit:howmuchbetterthingswouldbeformeifIdidnt,wouldntandneverhad.
herenvelopeinspiredmufidenmypowersofcogitation.
Icouldseethattheyhadbothbeenwrittenbythemanwhohadretlywaellaselectgroupofpeople-agroupthatincludedhisownyoungdaughters-thatallmalenurseswereeffeminateandself-righteous:thewordARSEHOLEwouldsurelyprovideaforensicpsychologistwithalltheevidencerequiredforthatdedu.Andsimilarly,themanentsomeofNewYearsEvetryingtoworkoutwhethertojumpfromtheroofofatower-blockwasexactlythesortofmanwhomightjotdownKILLMYSELF?inaThingsToDolist.IfthinkingiheboxwereanOlympicsport,IwouldhavewoldmedalsthanCarlLewis.
Quiteclearly,Iwoheads,twoheadsbeierthanoneandallthat.Onewouldhavetobetheoldone,justbecausetheoldoneknowspeoplesnamesandphonenumbers,andwhichbreakfastcerealIprefer,andsoon;thesedonewouldbeabletoobserveandinterpretthebehaviourofthefirst,inthemannerofatelevisionwildlifeexpert.AskingtheheadIhavenowtoexplainitsownthinkingisaspointlessasdillingyourowntelephonenumberonyourowntelephoherway,yougetanengagedsignal.Oryourownanswermessage,ifyouhavethatkindofphoem.
Ittookmeanembarrassingamountoftimetorealizethatotherpeoplehaveheads,andthataheseheadswoulddoabetterjobofexplainingwhatthepurposeofmyexplosionmighthavebeen.This,Isupposed,waswhypeoplepersistedwiththewholenotionoffriends.IseemedtohavelostallminearouimeIwenttoprison,butIknewplentyofpeoplewhodbepreparedtotellmewhattheythoughtofme.Infact,itseemedthatmypropensityforlettingpeopledownandalienatingthemwouldactuallyservemeingoodsteadhere.Friendsandlhttrytothrowakindlylightontheepisode,butbecauseIhadonlyex-friendsandex-lovers,Iwasideallyplaced.Ionlyreallyknewpeoplewhowouldgiveittomewithbothbarrels.
Iknewwheretostart,too.Indeed,sosuccessfulwasmyfirstphonecallthatIdidntreallyospeaktoanyoneelse.Myex-wifeerfect-direct,articulateandclear-sighted-andIactuallyendedupfeelingsorryforpeoplelivingwithsomeonewholovedthem,whennotlivingwithsomeonewholoathedyouwassoobviouslythewaytogo.Whenyouhaveadyinyourlife,therearentevenanypleasaowadethrough:thereareonlyunpleasantries,andunpleasantriesareaialpartofthelearningprocess.
Wherehaveyoubeen?Athome.Drunk.
Haveyoulisteoyourmessages?No.Why?Oh,Ijustleftyouafewthoughtsabouttheotherafternoon.
Ah,now,youseethatsexactlywhatIwaalkabout.Whatdoyouthinkitwasallabout?Well,youreunbalanced,arentyou?Unbalandpoisonous.Anunbalanced,poisonoustosser.
Thiswasagoodstart,Ifelt,butitlackedfocus.
Listen,Iappreciatewhatyouresaying,andIdontwanttoappearrude,buttheunbalaosserpartIfindlessiingthanthepoisonouspart.
Couldyoutalkmoreaboutthat?Maybeyoushouldpaysomeoodothis,saiddy.
Youmeanatherapist?Shesherapist?No,Iwasthinkingmoreofohosewomenwhowillpeealloveryouifyoupayherenough.Isntthatwhatyouwant?Ithoughtaboutthis.Ididntwanttodismissanythingoutofhand.
Idontthinkso,Isaid.Itsneverappealedbefore.
Ieakiaphorically.
Imsorry.Idontreallyuand.
Youclearlyfeelsoawfulaboutyourselfthatyoudontmindbeingabused.Isntthattheirproblem?Whoseproblem?Thesemenwhoneedwomento…Nevermind.
Iwasdimlybeginningtoperceivewhatshewasdrivingat.Itwastruethatbeingcallednamesfeltgood.Orrather,itfeltappropriate.
Youknowwhyyouturhatpuy,dontyou?No!Yousee,thatspreciselywhyIcalledyou.
Ifdyhadknownhowmuchdamageshecouldhavedooppingrightthere,thetemptationwouldhavebeentoomuchforher.
Luckily,though,dywasdetermiogoalltheway.
Imean,hewasfifteenyearsyouhanyou,andmuchbetter-looking.Butitwasntthat.Heddonemorewithhislifethatafternoonthanyouveeverdohyours.
Yes!Yes!Youponcearoundontelevisionandscrewschoolgirls,andhepushesdisabledkidsaroundinawheelchair,probablyfortheminimumwage.ItsnowonderPennywaochathimup.Forher,itwasthemoralequivalentofgoingfromFraeinsmooBradPitt.
Thankyou.Thatsgreat.
Dontyoudareputthephonedownonme.Iveonlyjuststarted.Ivegottwelveyearsworthofthisstuff.
Oh,Illbebaore,Ipromise.Butthatsplentytobegoingonwith.
Yousee?Ex-wives:really,everybodyshouldhaveatleastone.
MAUREENIfeelabitdaftexplainingpeheendoftheinterventionday,becauseitallsoundsliketoomuchoface.ButIthinkitprobablyonlysoundslikeae.IknowIsaidbeforethatImlearningtofeeltheweightofthings,whichmeanslearningwhattosayandwhatnottosayincaseyoumakepeoplefeelbadlyforyou.SoifIsaythatnothinghappenedinmylifebeforeImettheothers,IdontwanttomakeitsoundasthoughImgrumbling.Itwasjusthowthingswere.IfyouspendallyourtimeinaveryquietroomandsomeoneesupbehindyouandsaysBoo!,youjump.Ifyouspendallyourtimewithshortpeople,andyouseeasix-foot-tallpoli,helookslikeagiant.Andifnothinghappensandthehinghappens,thenthesomethiobepeculiar,almostlikeanActofGod.Thenothiretchesthesomething,thehappening,outofshape.
HerespeephenandSeanhelpedmegetMattyhome;wehailedablackcab,andthefourofusjustaboutsquashedin,althoughthetwonursesandIwerepressedupagainsteachotheri.Ahatseemedlikesomething.Afewmonthsago,IdhavegonehomeandtoldMattyaboutthat,ifhehadherewithme.Butofcourseifhehadherewithme,theredhavebeennothingtotell.IwouldnthaveephenandSean,andwewouldnthavebeenthereinataxi.
Idhavebeenonabus,onmyown,evensupposingIdgoneanywhere.YouseewhatImeanaboutsomethingandnothing?
Oncewewereallsettled,StephensaidtoSean,Haveyougotanyoneelseyet?AndSeansaid,No,andIdontthinkImgoingtobeableto.AndStephensaid,Itsjustthethreeofus,then?Wellgetslaughtered.AndSeanjustshrugged,andweallsatlookingoutofthewindowforalittlewhile.Ididntknowwhattheydbeentalkingabout.
AndthenSeansaid,Anygoodatquizzes,Maureen?Fancyjoiningourteam?Itdoesntmatterifyoudontknowanything.Weredesperate.
Now,thatsnotthemostamazingstoryyouveeverheard,isit?
IlistentoJessandJJandMartin,andthatsortofthinghappenstothemallthetime.Theymeetsomeoneinaliftorabar,andthatsomeonesays,Wouldyoulikeadrink?,oreven,Wouldyoulikeintercourse?Andperhapstheydbeenthinkingthattheydlikeintercourse,soitcouldseemtothemthatbeingofferedintercourse,justwhentheydbeenthinkingtheymightlikeit,isthemostamazingce.Butmyimpressionisthatthisisnthowtheythink,orhoeoplethink.Itsjustlife.Onepersonbumpsintoanotherperson,andthatpersonwantssomething,orknowssomeoneelsewhowantssomething,andasaresult,thingshappen.
Or,toputitanotherway,ifyoudontgoout,andnevermeetahennothinghappens.Howcouldit?Butforamoment,Icouldhardlytalk.Idwaakepartinaquiz,andthesepeopleneededsomeoheirquizteam,aashivergodownmyspine.
Soinsteadofgoinghome,wetookMattytotherespitehome.SeanandStephew,buttheywerefriendswithallthepeoplewhowere,sotheyjusttoldtheirfriendsthatMattywasstayingtherefortheevening,andurnedahair.Wearraomeetinthepubwheretheydotheirquizzing,ahometogetged.
Idontknowwhichpartofthestorytotellyouaboutheresanothervolved,soIdontknowwhethertoputithere,inthecesse,orlateron,afterIvetoldyouaboutthequiz.MaybeifIseparatethecesout,pushthemfurtherapart,youmightbelievethemmore.Oherhand,Idontcarewhetheryoubelievethem,becausetheyretrue.Andinanycase,Istilltdecidewhethertheyarecesornot,thesethings:perhapsgettingsomethingyouwantisneverace.Ifyouwantacheesesandwidyougetacheesesandwich,thattbeace,it?Andbythesametoken,ifyouwantajobandyougetajob,thattbeaceeither.Thesethingslybetalifyouthinkyouhavenopoweroveryourlifeatall.SoIlltellyouhere:theotherpersonoeamwasanoldermancalledJack,whohasanewsagentsjustoffArchway,andheofferedmeajob.
Itsnotmuchofajob-threemsaweek.Anditdoesntpayverywell-￡.anhour.AoldmeIdbeonprobationatfirst.Buthesgettingonabit,astogobacktobedaterhesopeheshopandsortedthepapersawiththeearly-mrush.HeofferedmethejobinthesamewaythatStephenandSeanhadaskedmewhetherIwaojointhequizteam-asajoke,outofdesperation.IweeVroundandthesportround,heaskedmewhatIdid,andItoldhimIdidntdoanythingmuchapartfromlookafterMatty,andthenhesaid,Youdontwantajob,doyou?Andashiverwentbackupmyspine.
Wedidntwinthequiz.Wecamefourthoutofeleventeams,buttheboyswerequitepleasedwiththat.AndIknewsomethingsthattheydidntknow.IkhatthenameofMaryTylerMooresbosswasLouGrant,forexample.IkhatJohnMajorssonmarriedEmmaNoble,andIkhatCatherineCooksonhadwrittenaboutTillyTrotterandMaryAnnShaughnessy.Sotherewerethreepointstheywouldnthaveghtthere,whichmightbewhytheysaidIcouldeagain.Thefourthchapisunreliable,apparently,becausehesjustgotagirlfriend.ItoldthemIwasthemostreliablepersontheycouldpossiblyhopetomeet.
Acoupleofmonthsago,Ireadalibrarybookaboutagirlwhofoundherselffallingihherlong-lostbrother.Butofcourseitturhewasntherlong-lostbrotherafterall,andhedonlytoldherthatbecausehelikedthelookofher.Alsoitturthatheoor.Hewasveryridontopofthat,theyfoundoutthatthebonemarrowofhisdogmatchedthebonemarrow,whohadleukemia,sohisdogsavedthelife.
ItwasntasgoodasImmakingitsound,totellyouthetruth.Itwasabitsoppy.ButthepointImtryingtomakeisthatImworriedImstartingtosoundlikethatbook,whatwiththejob,andthequizteam.AndifImstartingtosoundlikethattoyou,thenIdliketopointouttwothings.
FirstlyIdliketopointoutthatgettingcareforMattyorethan￡.anhour,soImnotevenaswelloffasIwas,andastorythatendswithyounotaswelloffasyouwereisntreallyafairy-story,isit?SedlyIdliketopointoutthatthefourthchapinthequizteamwillturnupsometimes,soIwontbeineveryweek.
Iwasdrinkingginandbitterlemonsinthepub,aherswouldmebuyaround;theysaidIwasaringer,andhadtobepaidfor.
Maybeitwasthedrinkthatleftmefeelingsopositive,butattheendoftheevening,IkhatwheagainonMarchst,Iwouldingtothrowmyselfofftheroof,notforawhile.Andthatfeeling,thefeelingthatIcouldcopefornow…Iwaohangontothatforaslongaspossible.Itsgoingallrightsofar.
Themafterthequiz,Iwentbacktothechurch.Ihadoanychurcewewereonholiday,andIhadomineforweeksandweeks,eversinceIdmettheothersontheroof.ButIcouldgobaowbecauseIdidntthinkIdbeittingthesinofdespairforawhile,soIcouldgobadaskfodsfiveness.Helyhelpyouifyouvestoppeddespairing,whichifyouthinkaboutit…Well,itsnotmybusiothinkaboutit.ItwasaquietFridaym,andtherewashardlyanybodyin.TheoldItalianwomanwhonevermissesaMasswasthere,andthereleofAfriladiesIdneverseenbefore.
Therewerenomen,andtherewerenoyoungpeople.IwasnervousbeforeIwenttothefessional,butitwasfine,really.Itoldthetruthabouthowlongithadbeensincemylastfession,andIfessedtothesinofdespair,andIwasgivenfifteenDecadesoftheRosary,whichIthoughtseemedoeepside,evenforthesinofdespair,butIwontplain.
SometimesyoufetthatGodisinfiniteinHismercy.HewouldnthavebeeninfiniteifIdjumped,mindyou,butIhadnt.
AherAnthonysaid,wehelpyouwithanything?weeaseyourburdeninanyway?Becauseyoumustrememberthatyourepartofaunityhereatthechurch,Maureen.
AndIsaid,Thankyou,Father,butIhavefriendswhoarehelping.Ididnttellhimwhatsortofunitythesefriendsbeloo,though.Ididnttellhimthattheywerealldespairingsinners.
DoyourememberPsalm?Callupohedayoftrouble;Iwilldeliveryou,andyoushallglorifyMe.IwenttoToppersHousebecauseIhadcalledandcalledandcalled,andtherewasnodelivery,andmydaysoftroubleseemedtohavelastedtoolong,andshowednosignsofending.ButHedidhearme,intheend,ameMartinandJJandJess,andthemeStephenandSeanandthequiz,andthemeJadthenewsagents.Inotherwords,HeprovedtomethatHewaslistening.
HowcouldIhavecarriedondoubtingHim,withallthatevidence?SoIdbetterglorifyHim,asbestI.
<strong>JESS</strong>
Sothisblokewiththedogdidnthaveaname.Imeahavehadosomestage,buthetoldmehedidanymore,becausehedidntagreewithnames.Hereedtheystoppedyoufrombeingwhoeveryouwaobe,andoncehedexplaiome,Icouldsortofseewhathemeant.SayyoureTony,orJoanna.Well,youwereTonyorJoaerday,andyoullbeTonyorJoannatomorrow.Soyourefucked,really.Peoplewillalwaysbeabletosaythingslike,Oh,thatssotypicalofJoanna.Butthisgeezer,hecouldbelikeahundreddifferentpeopleallinoneday.Hetoldmetocallhimwhatevercameintomyhead,soatfirsthewasDog,becauseofthedog,andthenhewasNodog,becausewewentforadrinkinapubathedogoutside.Sohedhadtwopletelydifferentpersonalitiesinthefirsthourwespenttogether,becauseDogandNodogaresortofoppositetypes,arentthey?Blokewithdogisdifferentfromblokewithnodog.Blokewithdoghasadifferentimagefromblokeinpub.Andyoutsay,Oh,thatssotypicalofNodogtolethisdogshitinsomeonesgarden.Itwouldntmakesense,wouldit?Howodoghaveadogthatshitsinsomeonesgarden,oranydogatall,etothat?Andhispointis,weallbeDogsandNodogsinasingleday.Dad,forexample,couldbeNotdadwhework,becausewheworkhesnotDad.Iknowthisisallprettydeep,butifyouthinkaboutithard,itmakessense.
AndinthatsamedayhewasFlower,becausehepickedmeafloewerewalkingthroughthelittleparkdownnearSouthwarkBridge,andthenAshtray,becausehetastedlikeone,andFloweristheoppositeofAshtray,too.Youseehowitworks?Humanbeingsaremillionsofthingsinoneday,andhismethoduandsthatmuchbetterthaheWesternwayofthinkingaboutit.Ionlycalledhimonemoreerthat,anditwasdirty,sothatonewillhavetobeasecret.WhenIsayitwasdirty,Imeanitwillsounddirtytoyououtoftextsortofthing.Itsonlyreallydirtyifyoudontrespectthemalebody,andthatinmyopinionwouldmakeyoudirty,notus.
Sothisbloke…Actually,IseeoneadvaheWesternwayofthinking,whichisthatifsomeonehasaname,youknowwhattocallthem,dontyou?Itsonlyonesmalladvantage,andtherearemillionsofbigdisadvantages,includingthebiggestoneofall,whichisthatnamesarereallyfascistanddontallowustoexpressourselvesashumanbeings,andturnusintoohing.ButasImtalkingabouthimalothere,IthinkIllcallhimjustonename.Nodogwilldo,becauseitsmoreunusual,andyoullknowwhoImtalkingabout,anditsbetterthanDog,becauseyoumightthinkImtalkingaboutafugdog,whiot.
SoNodogtookmebacktohisplaceafterwedgoneforadrink.Ididntthinkhedhaveaplace,tobeho,whatwiththedogahing.Helookedlikethesortofblokewhomightbeiweenplaces,butIobviouslymethimatagoodtime.Itwasntanormalsortofaplace,though.HelivedinashoproundthebackofRotherhithestation.Itwasntavertedshop,either-itwasjustashop,althoughitdidntsellanythinganymore.Itusedtobelikeanold-fashionedershopthingy,sotherewereshelves,andters,andtherewasabigshopwindow,whichhekeptcoveredwithasheet.Nodogsdoghadhisownbedroomattheback,whichmusthavebeenastoonceuponatime.Shopsareactuallyquitefortable,ifyouputupwithabitofdisfort.Youputyourclothesupontheshelves,putyourtellyupontheterwherethecashregisterwouldhavegoyourmattressonthefloor,andyoureaway.Andshopshavetoilets,andwater,althoughtheydonthavebathsorshowers.
Whehere,wehadsexstraightoff,togetitoutoftheway.Idonlyhadproperfull-ohChasbefore,andthatwasntanygood,butitwasallrightwithNodog.Alotmorethingsworked,ifyouknowwhatImean,becausewithChas,hisbitsdidntreallyworkandmybitsdidntreallywork,soitwasallabitofaneffort.Anyway,thistimearound,Nodogsbitsworkedfine,andsomioo,anditwasmucheasiertoseewhyanyonewouldwanttodoitagain.Peoplegoonaboutthefirsttimebeingimportant,butitsthesedtimethatreallymatters.Orthesedperson,anyway.
LookatwhatafoolIwasthefirsttime,allcutupandsobbingandobsessed.See,ifIdbeeasedtime,IdhaveknownIwasgoingtohaveproblems.ButIreallydidntcareifIsawNodogagainornot,sothatsgottress,right?Thatsmuchmorethewaythingsshouldbe,ifyoingtogetoninlife.
Afterwedfinished,heturnedhislittleblad-whiteTVon,andwelayonhismattresswatgwhatever,andtheartedtotalk,andIeellinghimaboutJen,andToppersHouse,ahers.Andhewasntsurprised,orsympathetic,oranythinglikethat.Hejustnodded,andthenhegoes,Oh,Imalwaystryingtotopmyself.AndIwaslike,Well,youtbemuchgoodatit,a,Thatsnottheidea,though,isit?
AndIwaslike,Isntit?AndhesaidthattheideawastolikestantlyofferyourselfuptothegodsofLifeah,whangods,sotheywerenothingtodowithchurdifthegodofLifewantedyou,thenyoulived,andifthegodofDeathwantedyou,youdidnt.SohereedthatonNewYearsEveIdbeenchosenbythegodofLife,andthatswhyIneverjumped.AndIwaslike,Ineverjumpedbecausepeoplesatonmyhead,andheexplaihatthegodofLifeeakingthroughthesepeople,andthatmadeperfesetome.Becausewhyelsewouldtheyhavebothered,uheywerelikebeingguidedbyinvisibleforces?
Aoldmethatpeoplewhowerebrain-dead,likeGeeBushandTonyBlair,andthepeoplewhojudgedPopIdol,neverofferedthemselvesuptothegodsofLifeahatall,andthereforecouldneverprovethattheyhadtherighttolive,andweshouldheirlawsheirdecisions(likethePopIdoljudges).Sowedonthavetobombtriesiftheytellusto,andiftheysaythatFatMichelleorwhoeverhaswonPopIdol,wedonthavetolistentothem.Wejustsay,Noshedidnt.
Ahinghesaidwassotruethatitsortofmademeregretthelastfewweeks,becauseeventhoughJJandMaureenandMartinhadbeeome,sortof,youwouldntreallydescribethemasbrainy,wouldyou?
Itsnotliketheyhadanyanswers,inthewayNodoghadanswers.Buttheotherwayoflookingatitisthatwithouttheothers,IdneverhavemetNodog,becauseIwouldnthavebotheredwiththeintervention,andtheredhavebeennothingtowalkoutof.
AndIsupposethatsthegodofLifetalking,too,ifyouthinkaboutit.
Whehome,MumandDadwaospeaktome.AndatfirstIwaslike,Whatever,buttheywerereallykeen,andMummademeacupoftea,andsatmedownatthekittable,andthenshesaidthatshewaoapologizetomeabouttheearrings,andthatsheknewwhodpihem.SoIwent,Who?Andshegoes,Jen.AndIstaredather.Andshewaslike,Yeah,really.Jen.SoIsaid,Sohowdoesthatwork?AoffononeabouthowMaureenhadpoisomethingthatwasactuallyblindinglyobvious,ifyouthoughtaboutit.TheywereJensfavouriteearrings,andiftheydgoneandnothingelsehad,thenthatcouldntbeadatfirstIcoulddifferemade,becauseJenstillwasntaround.ButwhenIsawwhatdifferemadetoher,howmuchcalmeritmadeher,Ididntcarewhy.Themainthingwas,shewaobeome.
AndIwaseveefultoNodogthen.Becausehehadtaughtmethisdeep,clearwayofthinking,thewaythatallowedmetoseethingsastheyreallywere.SoeventhoughMumwashingsthewaytheyreallywere,andshedidntknowthatforexamplethePopIdoljudgescouldntprovetheyhadtherighttolive,shewasseeingsomethingthatcouldworkforher,andstopherfrombeingsuchabitch.
AndnowbecauseofNodogs松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
AnditwaskindofappropriatethatIwaswithmyex-loverandmyex-brotherattheprecisemomentIrealized,becauseitwasthesamekindofthing.Ilovedthem,andwouldalwayslovethem.Buttherelacewheretheycouldfitanymore,soIhadoputallthethingsIfelt.Ididntknowwhattodowiththem,andtheydidntknowwhattodowithme,andisntthatjustlikelife?
Ineversaidanythingaboutfinishingwithyoubecauseyoingtobearockstar,saidLizzieafterawhile.Youknowthatreally,dontyou?Ishookmyhead.Ididntknow,didI?Youguysbackmeuponthat.NotohisstoryhaveIeverowoanykindofmisuanding,deliberateorotherwise.SofarasIwased,shewasdumpingmebecauseIwasamusicalloser.
Sowhatdidyousay,then?Tryagain.AndIlllistenrealhardthistime.
Itsnotgoingtomakeanydifferenow,becauseweveallmovedht?Kindof.Iwasntgoingtoadmittostandingstill,oingbackwards.
OK.WhatIsaidwas,Icouldhyouifyouwerentamusi.
Itwasntsuchabigdealtoyouatthetime.Youdontevenlikemusicthatmuch.
Yourenothearingme,JJ.Youreamusi.Itsnotjustwhatyoudid.
Itswhoyouare.AndImnotsayingyoingtobeasuccessfulmusi.IdontevenknowifyoodowasjustthatIcouldseeyoudbeoanyoneifyoustopped.Andlookpened.Youbreakthebandup,andfivemieryourestandingoopofatower-block.Yourestuckwithit.Andwithoutityouredead.Oryoumightaswellbe.
So…OK.Nothingtodowithbeingunsuccessful.
God,whatdoyoutakemefor?ButIwasnttalkingabouther;Iwastalkingaboutme.Ineverlookedatitthatwaybefore.Ithoughtthiswholethinghadbeenaboutmyfailure,butthatwasntit.Andatthatmomelikegmyfugheartout,really.IfeltlikegbecauseIknewshewasright,andsometimesthetruthgetsyoulikethat.IfeltlikegbecauseIwasgoingtomakemusicagain,andIdmisseditsomudIfeltlikegbecauseIkhatmakingmusievergoingtomakemesuccessful,soLizziehadjustoahirty-fiveyearsofpoverty,rootlessness,despair,hplan,cold-watermotelsandbadhamburgers.ItsjustthatIdbeeatingtheburgers,notflippingthem.
<strong>MARTIN</strong>
Iwalkedhome,turhephoneoffaheforty-eighthourswiththecurtainsdrawn,drinking,sleepingandwatgasmanyprogrammesaboutantiquesasIcouldfind.Duringthoseforty-eighthours,IwouldsaythatIwasingravedaurningintoMariePrevost,theHollywoodactresswhowasdiscoveredsometimeafterherdeathinastateofdisrepair,duetohercorpsehavingbeenpartiallyeatenbyherdachshund.ThatIhadnodachshund,orindeedanydomesticpet,Irememberbeingasouresolationinthosecoupleofdays.Iwouldcertainlydiealone,andmycorpsewouldcertainlybeinastateofadvanceddecaybythetimeanyonefouIwouldbeplete,apartfromthebitsthathaddroppedoffthroughnaturalcauses.Sothatwasallright.
Heresthething.Thecauseofmyproblemsislocatedinmyhead,ifmyheadiswheremypersonalityislocated.(dyandotherswouldarguethatbothmypersonalityandthesourytroubleswerelocatedbelowratherthanabovemywaist,buthearmeout.)Ihadbeengivenmanyopportunitiesinlife,andIhadthrowneachofthemaway,onebyohroughaseriesofcatastrophicallybaddecisions,eaeofwhichseemedlikeagoodideatome-tomeandmyhead-atthetime.AheonlytoolIhadatmydisposaltocorrectthedisastrouscoursemylifeseemedtobetakingwastheverysameheadthathadcausedmetofuckupinthefirstplace.WhatcedidIhave?
AcoupleofweeksafterJesssJerrySpringershow,IreadsomenotesIdmadeduringthatteriod.ItwouldruetosaythatIdbeensodrunkIdfottenIdevermadethem,andinanycasetheydbeenlyingarouinplainview.ButitwasafhtbeforeIpossessedenoughcetoreadthem,andonceIddoneso,Iwasalmostpelledtodrawthecurtainsandreachflenmieonceagain.
Theobjectoftheexercisewastoanalyse,withtheonlyheadIhaveavailabletome,whyIhadbehavedsoabsurdlythatafternoon,andtolistallpossiblerespohatbehaviivemyheaditsdue-tobefairtothelad,assportspunditswouldsay-itwasatleastcapablenizingthatthebehaviourhadbeenabsurd.Itjustwasntcapableofdoingverymuchaboutit.Areallheadslikethis,orisitjustmine?
Anyway,onthebacksofseveralunopenedenvelopes,mostlybills,thereressinglyclusiveevidehecircularityofhumanbehaviour.WHYHORRIBLETONURSE?Ihadwritten.Andthen,underh:)ARSEHOLE?HIM?ME?
)HITTINGONPENNY?
)GOOD-LOOKINGANDYOUNG-PISSEDMEOFF?
)ANNOYEDBYPEOPLE.
Thislastexplanation,whichmayhavemeantsomethingbrilliantlyprecisewhenIhitonit,nowseemedstartlinglydidinitsvagueness.
Onanotherenvelope,IhadscrawledCOURSESOFA(andpleaseheway,theswitberstoletters,aswitchpresumablymeanttoindicatethestifiatureofthework):a)KILLMYSELF?
b)ASKMAUREENNOTTOUSETHATNURSEANYMORETAndCstoppedthere,eitherbecauseIfellintoastuporatthatpoint,orbecauseDontwasacisewayofexpressingaprofoundsolutiontoallmyproblems.Thinkaboutit:howmuchbetterthingswouldbeformeifIdidnt,wouldntandneverhad.
herenvelopeinspiredmufidenmypowersofcogitation.
Icouldseethattheyhadbothbeenwrittenbythemanwhohadretlywaellaselectgroupofpeople-agroupthatincludedhisownyoungdaughters-thatallmalenurseswereeffeminateandself-righteous:thewordARSEHOLEwouldsurelyprovideaforensicpsychologistwithalltheevidencerequiredforthatdedu.Andsimilarly,themanentsomeofNewYearsEvetryingtoworkoutwhethertojumpfromtheroofofatower-blockwasexactlythesortofmanwhomightjotdownKILLMYSELF?inaThingsToDolist.IfthinkingiheboxwereanOlympicsport,IwouldhavewoldmedalsthanCarlLewis.
Quiteclearly,Iwoheads,twoheadsbeierthanoneandallthat.Onewouldhavetobetheoldone,justbecausetheoldoneknowspeoplesnamesandphonenumbers,andwhichbreakfastcerealIprefer,andsoon;thesedonewouldbeabletoobserveandinterpretthebehaviourofthefirst,inthemannerofatelevisionwildlifeexpert.AskingtheheadIhavenowtoexplainitsownthinkingisaspointlessasdillingyourowntelephonenumberonyourowntelephoherway,yougetanengagedsignal.Oryourownanswermessage,ifyouhavethatkindofphoem.
Ittookmeanembarrassingamountoftimetorealizethatotherpeoplehaveheads,andthataheseheadswoulddoabetterjobofexplainingwhatthepurposeofmyexplosionmighthavebeen.This,Isupposed,waswhypeoplepersistedwiththewholenotionoffriends.IseemedtohavelostallminearouimeIwenttoprison,butIknewplentyofpeoplewhodbepreparedtotellmewhattheythoughtofme.Infact,itseemedthatmypropensityforlettingpeopledownandalienatingthemwouldactuallyservemeingoodsteadhere.Friendsandlhttrytothrowakindlylightontheepisode,butbecauseIhadonlyex-friendsandex-lovers,Iwasideallyplaced.Ionlyreallyknewpeoplewhowouldgiveittomewithbothbarrels.
Iknewwheretostart,too.Indeed,sosuccessfulwasmyfirstphonecallthatIdidntreallyospeaktoanyoneelse.Myex-wifeerfect-direct,articulateandclear-sighted-andIactuallyendedupfeelingsorryforpeoplelivingwithsomeonewholovedthem,whennotlivingwithsomeonewholoathedyouwassoobviouslythewaytogo.Whenyouhaveadyinyourlife,therearentevenanypleasaowadethrough:thereareonlyunpleasantries,andunpleasantriesareaialpartofthelearningprocess.
Wherehaveyoubeen?Athome.Drunk.
Haveyoulisteoyourmessages?No.Why?Oh,Ijustleftyouafewthoughtsabouttheotherafternoon.
Ah,now,youseethatsexactlywhatIwaalkabout.Whatdoyouthinkitwasallabout?Well,youreunbalanced,arentyou?Unbalandpoisonous.Anunbalanced,poisonoustosser.
Thiswasagoodstart,Ifelt,butitlackedfocus.
Listen,Iappreciatewhatyouresaying,andIdontwanttoappearrude,buttheunbalaosserpartIfindlessiingthanthepoisonouspart.
Couldyoutalkmoreaboutthat?Maybeyoushouldpaysomeoodothis,saiddy.
Youmeanatherapist?Shesherapist?No,Iwasthinkingmoreofohosewomenwhowillpeealloveryouifyoupayherenough.Isntthatwhatyouwant?Ithoughtaboutthis.Ididntwanttodismissanythingoutofhand.
Idontthinkso,Isaid.Itsneverappealedbefore.
Ieakiaphorically.
Imsorry.Idontreallyuand.
Youclearlyfeelsoawfulaboutyourselfthatyoudontmindbeingabused.Isntthattheirproblem?Whoseproblem?Thesemenwhoneedwomento…Nevermind.
Iwasdimlybeginningtoperceivewhatshewasdrivingat.Itwastruethatbeingcallednamesfeltgood.Orrather,itfeltappropriate.
Youknowwhyyouturhatpuy,dontyou?No!Yousee,thatspreciselywhyIcalledyou.
Ifdyhadknownhowmuchdamageshecouldhavedooppingrightthere,thetemptationwouldhavebeentoomuchforher.
Luckily,though,dywasdetermiogoalltheway.
Imean,hewasfifteenyearsyouhanyou,andmuchbetter-looking.Butitwasntthat.Heddonemorewithhislifethatafternoonthanyouveeverdohyours.
Yes!Yes!Youponcearoundontelevisionandscrewschoolgirls,andhepushesdisabledkidsaroundinawheelchair,probablyfortheminimumwage.ItsnowonderPennywaochathimup.Forher,itwasthemoralequivalentofgoingfromFraeinsmooBradPitt.
Thankyou.Thatsgreat.
Dontyoudareputthephonedownonme.Iveonlyjuststarted.Ivegottwelveyearsworthofthisstuff.
Oh,Illbebaore,Ipromise.Butthatsplentytobegoingonwith.
Yousee?Ex-wives:really,everybodyshouldhaveatleastone.
MAUREENIfeelabitdaftexplainingpeheendoftheinterventionday,becauseitallsoundsliketoomuchoface.ButIthinkitprobablyonlysoundslikeae.IknowIsaidbeforethatImlearningtofeeltheweightofthings,whichmeanslearningwhattosayandwhatnottosayincaseyoumakepeoplefeelbadlyforyou.SoifIsaythatnothinghappenedinmylifebeforeImettheothers,IdontwanttomakeitsoundasthoughImgrumbling.Itwasjusthowthingswere.IfyouspendallyourtimeinaveryquietroomandsomeoneesupbehindyouandsaysBoo!,youjump.Ifyouspendallyourtimewithshortpeople,andyouseeasix-foot-tallpoli,helookslikeagiant.Andifnothinghappensandthehinghappens,thenthesomethiobepeculiar,almostlikeanActofGod.Thenothiretchesthesomething,thehappening,outofshape.
HerespeephenandSeanhelpedmegetMattyhome;wehailedablackcab,andthefourofusjustaboutsquashedin,althoughthetwonursesandIwerepressedupagainsteachotheri.Ahatseemedlikesomething.Afewmonthsago,IdhavegonehomeandtoldMattyaboutthat,ifhehadherewithme.Butofcourseifhehadherewithme,theredhavebeennothingtotell.IwouldnthaveephenandSean,andwewouldnthavebeenthereinataxi.
Idhavebeenonabus,onmyown,evensupposingIdgoneanywhere.YouseewhatImeanaboutsomethingandnothing?
Oncewewereallsettled,StephensaidtoSean,Haveyougotanyoneelseyet?AndSeansaid,No,andIdontthinkImgoingtobeableto.AndStephensaid,Itsjustthethreeofus,then?Wellgetslaughtered.AndSeanjustshrugged,andweallsatlookingoutofthewindowforalittlewhile.Ididntknowwhattheydbeentalkingabout.
AndthenSeansaid,Anygoodatquizzes,Maureen?Fancyjoiningourteam?Itdoesntmatterifyoudontknowanything.Weredesperate.
Now,thatsnotthemostamazingstoryyouveeverheard,isit?
IlistentoJessandJJandMartin,andthatsortofthinghappenstothemallthetime.Theymeetsomeoneinaliftorabar,andthatsomeonesays,Wouldyoulikeadrink?,oreven,Wouldyoulikeintercourse?Andperhapstheydbeenthinkingthattheydlikeintercourse,soitcouldseemtothemthatbeingofferedintercourse,justwhentheydbeenthinkingtheymightlikeit,isthemostamazingce.Butmyimpressionisthatthisisnthowtheythink,orhoeoplethink.Itsjustlife.Onepersonbumpsintoanotherperson,andthatpersonwantssomething,orknowssomeoneelsewhowantssomething,andasaresult,thingshappen.
Or,toputitanotherway,ifyoudontgoout,andnevermeetahennothinghappens.Howcouldit?Butforamoment,Icouldhardlytalk.Idwaakepartinaquiz,andthesepeopleneededsomeoheirquizteam,aashivergodownmyspine.
Soinsteadofgoinghome,wetookMattytotherespitehome.SeanandStephew,buttheywerefriendswithallthepeoplewhowere,sotheyjusttoldtheirfriendsthatMattywasstayingtherefortheevening,andurnedahair.Wearraomeetinthepubwheretheydotheirquizzing,ahometogetged.
Idontknowwhichpartofthestorytotellyouaboutheresanothervolved,soIdontknowwhethertoputithere,inthecesse,orlateron,afterIvetoldyouaboutthequiz.MaybeifIseparatethecesout,pushthemfurtherapart,youmightbelievethemmore.Oherhand,Idontcarewhetheryoubelievethem,becausetheyretrue.Andinanycase,Istilltdecidewhethertheyarecesornot,thesethings:perhapsgettingsomethingyouwantisneverace.Ifyouwantacheesesandwidyougetacheesesandwich,thattbeace,it?Andbythesametoken,ifyouwantajobandyougetajob,thattbeaceeither.Thesethingslybetalifyouthinkyouhavenopoweroveryourlifeatall.SoIlltellyouhere:theotherpersonoeamwasanoldermancalledJack,whohasanewsagentsjustoffArchway,andheofferedmeajob.
Itsnotmuchofajob-threemsaweek.Anditdoesntpayverywell-￡.anhour.AoldmeIdbeonprobationatfirst.Buthesgettingonabit,astogobacktobedaterhesopeheshopandsortedthepapersawiththeearly-mrush.HeofferedmethejobinthesamewaythatStephenandSeanhadaskedmewhetherIwaojointhequizteam-asajoke,outofdesperation.IweeVroundandthesportround,heaskedmewhatIdid,andItoldhimIdidntdoanythingmuchapartfromlookafterMatty,andthenhesaid,Youdontwantajob,doyou?Andashiverwentbackupmyspine.
Wedidntwinthequiz.Wecamefourthoutofeleventeams,buttheboyswerequitepleasedwiththat.AndIknewsomethingsthattheydidntknow.IkhatthenameofMaryTylerMooresbosswasLouGrant,forexample.IkhatJohnMajorssonmarriedEmmaNoble,andIkhatCatherineCooksonhadwrittenaboutTillyTrotterandMaryAnnShaughnessy.Sotherewerethreepointstheywouldnthaveghtthere,whichmightbewhytheysaidIcouldeagain.Thefourthchapisunreliable,apparently,becausehesjustgotagirlfriend.ItoldthemIwasthemostreliablepersontheycouldpossiblyhopetomeet.
Acoupleofmonthsago,Ireadalibrarybookaboutagirlwhofoundherselffallingihherlong-lostbrother.Butofcourseitturhewasntherlong-lostbrotherafterall,andhedonlytoldherthatbecausehelikedthelookofher.Alsoitturthatheoor.Hewasveryridontopofthat,theyfoundoutthatthebonemarrowofhisdogmatchedthebonemarrow,whohadleukemia,sohisdogsavedthelife.
ItwasntasgoodasImmakingitsound,totellyouthetruth.Itwasabitsoppy.ButthepointImtryingtomakeisthatImworriedImstartingtosoundlikethatbook,whatwiththejob,andthequizteam.AndifImstartingtosoundlikethattoyou,thenIdliketopointouttwothings.
FirstlyIdliketopointoutthatgettingcareforMattyorethan￡.anhour,soImnotevenaswelloffasIwas,andastorythatendswithyounotaswelloffasyouwereisntreallyafairy-story,isit?SedlyIdliketopointoutthatthefourthchapinthequizteamwillturnupsometimes,soIwontbeineveryweek.
Iwasdrinkingginandbitterlemonsinthepub,aherswouldmebuyaround;theysaidIwasaringer,andhadtobepaidfor.
Maybeitwasthedrinkthatleftmefeelingsopositive,butattheendoftheevening,IkhatwheagainonMarchst,Iwouldingtothrowmyselfofftheroof,notforawhile.Andthatfeeling,thefeelingthatIcouldcopefornow…Iwaohangontothatforaslongaspossible.Itsgoingallrightsofar.
Themafterthequiz,Iwentbacktothechurch.Ihadoanychurcewewereonholiday,andIhadomineforweeksandweeks,eversinceIdmettheothersontheroof.ButIcouldgobaowbecauseIdidntthinkIdbeittingthesinofdespairforawhile,soIcouldgobadaskfodsfiveness.Helyhelpyouifyouvestoppeddespairing,whichifyouthinkaboutit…Well,itsnotmybusiothinkaboutit.ItwasaquietFridaym,andtherewashardlyanybodyin.TheoldItalianwomanwhonevermissesaMasswasthere,andthereleofAfriladiesIdneverseenbefore.
Therewerenomen,andtherewerenoyoungpeople.IwasnervousbeforeIwenttothefessional,butitwasfine,really.Itoldthetruthabouthowlongithadbeensincemylastfession,andIfessedtothesinofdespair,andIwasgivenfifteenDecadesoftheRosary,whichIthoughtseemedoeepside,evenforthesinofdespair,butIwontplain.
SometimesyoufetthatGodisinfiniteinHismercy.HewouldnthavebeeninfiniteifIdjumped,mindyou,butIhadnt.
AherAnthonysaid,wehelpyouwithanything?weeaseyourburdeninanyway?Becauseyoumustrememberthatyourepartofaunityhereatthechurch,Maureen.
AndIsaid,Thankyou,Father,butIhavefriendswhoarehelping.Ididnttellhimwhatsortofunitythesefriendsbeloo,though.Ididnttellhimthattheywerealldespairingsinners.
DoyourememberPsalm?Callupohedayoftrouble;Iwilldeliveryou,andyoushallglorifyMe.IwenttoToppersHousebecauseIhadcalledandcalledandcalled,andtherewasnodelivery,andmydaysoftroubleseemedtohavelastedtoolong,andshowednosignsofending.ButHedidhearme,intheend,ameMartinandJJandJess,andthemeStephenandSeanandthequiz,andthemeJadthenewsagents.Inotherwords,HeprovedtomethatHewaslistening.
HowcouldIhavecarriedondoubtingHim,withallthatevidence?SoIdbetterglorifyHim,asbestI.
<strong>JESS</strong>
Sothisblokewiththedogdidnthaveaname.Imeahavehadosomestage,buthetoldmehedidanymore,becausehedidntagreewithnames.Hereedtheystoppedyoufrombeingwhoeveryouwaobe,andoncehedexplaiome,Icouldsortofseewhathemeant.SayyoureTony,orJoanna.Well,youwereTonyorJoaerday,andyoullbeTonyorJoannatomorrow.Soyourefucked,really.Peoplewillalwaysbeabletosaythingslike,Oh,thatssotypicalofJoanna.Butthisgeezer,hecouldbelikeahundreddifferentpeopleallinoneday.Hetoldmetocallhimwhatevercameintomyhead,soatfirsthewasDog,becauseofthedog,andthenhewasNodog,becausewewentforadrinkinapubathedogoutside.Sohedhadtwopletelydifferentpersonalitiesinthefirsthourwespenttogether,becauseDogandNodogaresortofoppositetypes,arentthey?Blokewithdogisdifferentfromblokewithnodog.Blokewithdoghasadifferentimagefromblokeinpub.Andyoutsay,Oh,thatssotypicalofNodogtolethisdogshitinsomeonesgarden.Itwouldntmakesense,wouldit?Howodoghaveadogthatshitsinsomeonesgarden,oranydogatall,etothat?Andhispointis,weallbeDogsandNodogsinasingleday.Dad,forexample,couldbeNotdadwhework,becausewheworkhesnotDad.Iknowthisisallprettydeep,butifyouthinkaboutithard,itmakessense.
AndinthatsamedayhewasFlower,becausehepickedmeafloewerewalkingthroughthelittleparkdownnearSouthwarkBridge,andthenAshtray,becausehetastedlikeone,andFloweristheoppositeofAshtray,too.Youseehowitworks?Humanbeingsaremillionsofthingsinoneday,andhismethoduandsthatmuchbetterthaheWesternwayofthinkingaboutit.Ionlycalledhimonemoreerthat,anditwasdirty,sothatonewillhavetobeasecret.WhenIsayitwasdirty,Imeanitwillsounddirtytoyououtoftextsortofthing.Itsonlyreallydirtyifyoudontrespectthemalebody,andthatinmyopinionwouldmakeyoudirty,notus.
Sothisbloke…Actually,IseeoneadvaheWesternwayofthinking,whichisthatifsomeonehasaname,youknowwhattocallthem,dontyou?Itsonlyonesmalladvantage,andtherearemillionsofbigdisadvantages,includingthebiggestoneofall,whichisthatnamesarereallyfascistanddontallowustoexpressourselvesashumanbeings,andturnusintoohing.ButasImtalkingabouthimalothere,IthinkIllcallhimjustonename.Nodogwilldo,becauseitsmoreunusual,andyoullknowwhoImtalkingabout,anditsbetterthanDog,becauseyoumightthinkImtalkingaboutafugdog,whiot.
SoNodogtookmebacktohisplaceafterwedgoneforadrink.Ididntthinkhedhaveaplace,tobeho,whatwiththedogahing.Helookedlikethesortofblokewhomightbeiweenplaces,butIobviouslymethimatagoodtime.Itwasntanormalsortofaplace,though.HelivedinashoproundthebackofRotherhithestation.Itwasntavertedshop,either-itwasjustashop,althoughitdidntsellanythinganymore.Itusedtobelikeanold-fashionedershopthingy,sotherewereshelves,andters,andtherewasabigshopwindow,whichhekeptcoveredwithasheet.Nodogsdoghadhisownbedroomattheback,whichmusthavebeenastoonceuponatime.Shopsareactuallyquitefortable,ifyouputupwithabitofdisfort.Youputyourclothesupontheshelves,putyourtellyupontheterwherethecashregisterwouldhavegoyourmattressonthefloor,andyoureaway.Andshopshavetoilets,andwater,althoughtheydonthavebathsorshowers.
Whehere,wehadsexstraightoff,togetitoutoftheway.Idonlyhadproperfull-ohChasbefore,andthatwasntanygood,butitwasallrightwithNodog.Alotmorethingsworked,ifyouknowwhatImean,becausewithChas,hisbitsdidntreallyworkandmybitsdidntreallywork,soitwasallabitofaneffort.Anyway,thistimearound,Nodogsbitsworkedfine,andsomioo,anditwasmucheasiertoseewhyanyonewouldwanttodoitagain.Peoplegoonaboutthefirsttimebeingimportant,butitsthesedtimethatreallymatters.Orthesedperson,anyway.
LookatwhatafoolIwasthefirsttime,allcutupandsobbingandobsessed.See,ifIdbeeasedtime,IdhaveknownIwasgoingtohaveproblems.ButIreallydidntcareifIsawNodogagainornot,sothatsgottress,right?Thatsmuchmorethewaythingsshouldbe,ifyoingtogetoninlife.
Afterwedfinished,heturnedhislittleblad-whiteTVon,andwelayonhismattresswatgwhatever,andtheartedtotalk,andIeellinghimaboutJen,andToppersHouse,ahers.Andhewasntsurprised,orsympathetic,oranythinglikethat.Hejustnodded,andthenhegoes,Oh,Imalwaystryingtotopmyself.AndIwaslike,Well,youtbemuchgoodatit,a,Thatsnottheidea,though,isit?
AndIwaslike,Isntit?AndhesaidthattheideawastolikestantlyofferyourselfuptothegodsofLifeah,whangods,sotheywerenothingtodowithchurdifthegodofLifewantedyou,thenyoulived,andifthegodofDeathwantedyou,youdidnt.SohereedthatonNewYearsEveIdbeenchosenbythegodofLife,andthatswhyIneverjumped.AndIwaslike,Ineverjumpedbecausepeoplesatonmyhead,andheexplaihatthegodofLifeeakingthroughthesepeople,andthatmadeperfesetome.Becausewhyelsewouldtheyhavebothered,uheywerelikebeingguidedbyinvisibleforces?
Aoldmethatpeoplewhowerebrain-dead,likeGeeBushandTonyBlair,andthepeoplewhojudgedPopIdol,neverofferedthemselvesuptothegodsofLifeahatall,andthereforecouldneverprovethattheyhadtherighttolive,andweshouldheirlawsheirdecisions(likethePopIdoljudges).Sowedonthavetobombtriesiftheytellusto,andiftheysaythatFatMichelleorwhoeverhaswonPopIdol,wedonthavetolistentothem.Wejustsay,Noshedidnt.
Ahinghesaidwassotruethatitsortofmademeregretthelastfewweeks,becauseeventhoughJJandMaureenandMartinhadbeeome,sortof,youwouldntreallydescribethemasbrainy,wouldyou?
Itsnotliketheyhadanyanswers,inthewayNodoghadanswers.Buttheotherwayoflookingatitisthatwithouttheothers,IdneverhavemetNodog,becauseIwouldnthavebotheredwiththeintervention,andtheredhavebeennothingtowalkoutof.
AndIsupposethatsthegodofLifetalking,too,ifyouthinkaboutit.
Whehome,MumandDadwaospeaktome.AndatfirstIwaslike,Whatever,buttheywerereallykeen,andMummademeacupoftea,andsatmedownatthekittable,andthenshesaidthatshewaoapologizetomeabouttheearrings,andthatsheknewwhodpihem.SoIwent,Who?Andshegoes,Jen.AndIstaredather.Andshewaslike,Yeah,really.Jen.SoIsaid,Sohowdoesthatwork?AoffononeabouthowMaureenhadpoisomethingthatwasactuallyblindinglyobvious,ifyouthoughtaboutit.TheywereJensfavouriteearrings,andiftheydgoneandnothingelsehad,thenthatcouldntbeadatfirstIcoulddifferemade,becauseJenstillwasntaround.ButwhenIsawwhatdifferemadetoher,howmuchcalmeritmadeher,Ididntcarewhy.Themainthingwas,shewaobeome.
AndIwaseveefultoNodogthen.Becausehehadtaughtmethisdeep,clearwayofthinking,thewaythatallowedmetoseethingsastheyreallywere.SoeventhoughMumwashingsthewaytheyreallywere,andshedidntknowthatforexamplethePopIdoljudgescouldntprovetheyhadtherighttolive,shewasseeingsomethingthatcouldworkforher,andstopherfrombeingsuchabitch.
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Copyright (C) 2019 All Rights Reserved 版权所有：松语文学